Legend of Us
by MadamButterfly
Summary: I'm not dead yet! DISK FOUR is taking longer than expected. But the end is near and we will soon be free of this torture but until then we have yet to see the really trippy stuff
1. Prologue: One Fateful Summer Day

Author's Note: This is a product of my semi-warped mind where my friends and I are sucked into the video game Legend of Dragoon. I hope FanFiction.net will let me keep this fic...I think I read something in that thing I hadta agree to bout writing bout real people....but my fic is harmless, plus it's featuring me and my friends so they don't mind (I told them bout my plans, so they were warned). Anyways, I tried to post this in 2002 but it didn't really work so I'm trying again with some revisions. The names have been changed (except mine) and the personalities have been exagerated (including mine). ( ) is narration, [ ] are my own personal thoughts for clarity or what not, and everyone knows that *words like this* are actions. Blah blah blah here's the fic  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Sony or LoD including its characters and plot  
  
Prologue: One Fateful Summer Day.  
  
(The scene: It's August of 2002, the summer between ninth and tenth grade. My family and I had just moved into a new house a month before and my friends would come over frequently and bother me.)  
  
Me (Tina): *over the phone* Hello?  
  
Ania: Hey we're coming over to bug ya, okay?  
  
Me: Whatever. *Click*  
  
(So my friends came over. The usual group came to visit me -- Ania [my best friend -- sometimes], Wesley [the evil ex-boyfriend], Nikole [best friend since kindergarten], Boberto, Timoty, and Leroy [friends from school] We got bored so we immediately went to my room where Nikole and Ania sat down to read our yearbook, Boberto and Timoty read my sister's manga comics, Leroy and I battled it out on Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2, and Wesley sat in the corner being very quiet.)  
  
Ania: I'm bored let's go do something  
  
Me: I'm sorry you feel that way. *Curses Bob Burnquist for not landing his trick*  
  
Wesley: *laughs*  
  
Me: *death glare*  
  
Ania: Let's go get something to eat.  
  
(Half of us shook our head "no" because we're all poor. I grabbed the basket full of our video games and hand them back to Nikole without taking my eyes off the screen)  
  
Me: Here. Pick out a game to play.  
  
Ania: But I hate Playstation!  
  
(Ania kept whining, but we ignored her. Nikole thumbed through the games and finally came to everyone's favorite game)  
  
Nikole: How bout this? *Holds up the LoD case*  
  
Me: Nah, it's only one player plus the plot is reeaally long and complicated. You guys wouldn't like it.  
  
Boberto: Why doncha show us?  
  
(I shrugged my shoulders in agreement. Ania rolled her eyes while I placed the first disk into the Playstation console. Before I could even sit back into my beanbag chair, a huge flash of light fulled the room. The next second, all seven of us vanished from the room! Hearing our screams of terror, my little sister pushed open the bedroom door to spy on us.)  
  
Lisa: Tina?! What are you and your stupid friends doing now?  
  
(She looked at the TV screen and saw the theme song for LoD playing on it. Cautiously, she sat down in the beanbag chair and took ahold of the vibrating controller. She moved the cursor down and hit the X button to begin a new game....)  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(After the flash of white light disappears, the seven of us land painfully on our asses in a medieval-like inn, which I later realized to be the inn in Bale. It was empty except for a large group of strange-looking people playing cards at a table smack in the middle of the room and two old men drinking at the bar, laughing uncontrollably and scheming on a plantinum- haired girl with a hammer. My friends are confused beyond their minds yet I am intrigued. My friends groaned and rubbed their butts in pain while I stood up and walked closer to the table.)  
  
Me: Oh my god, this is...[unfinished sentence -- classic LoD]  
  
(I was interuppted by a high-pitched squeal of joy, which scarred the crap outta us)  
  
Shana: HAH! Royal flush -- that beats your full house! Yeess!! Now gimme back my Dragoon Spirit, bitch!!  
  
Miranda: *slaps the table* No! You musta cheated, you couldn't get a hand that good if your life depended on it! Dart, make her play fair!  
  
Dart: It's not my problem.  
  
Shana: Yeah, plus I'm not the one with magic -- well, not for long since I WON!! WHOOO!!! *Victory dance*  
  
Miranda: Grrr...fine! *reluctantly gives Shana a silver orb and pouts*  
  
Albert: Damn, I didn't know Shana could get like that.  
  
Lavitz: Rose musta corrupted her  
  
Rose: *smiles proudly*  
  
Meru: Dart! You mind getting your daddy and granddad offa me and away from the liquor? *Inches further and further away from the drunk old men*  
  
Hashel:*slurred speech* You can call me daddy *takes another shot*  
  
Meru: *smacks his hand away from her...um...I'll let you use your imagination for that*  
  
Dart: Not my problem either  
  
(Now I'm about five feet away from the table starring at the poker players, facing Shana [still doing her victory dance], Miranda [still pouting and now muttering a string of profanities], and Dart [holding his head in his hands]. Albert turns his eyes towards me and gesters to Lavitz, sitting across the table from him. Lavitz smacks Dart's hand, forcing Dart to look up at me and my friends, who are still sitting dumbfounded on the ground.)  
  
Dart: Can I....help you?  
  
(I held my breath while Rose, Lloyd, and Kongol turned in their chairs to face us. Even Meru and the two drunkards [who I now recongize as Haschel and Zieg] stop to hear our response)  
  
Me: Umm....I...well, I'm Tina and I...  
  
Leroy: *boldly stands up and marches up next to me* Yeah, you can help us by telling us where the hell we are and how we can get the hell home!  
  
(Leroy continued to stare angrily at the odd bunch while I nervously smiled at them. Dart rose from his seat and walked over toward the two of us. As he walked over, we could hear the metal of his sword clank against the metal of his armor. Leroy's glare and my smile quickly faded when Dart came face-to-face to us)  
  
Dart: You're in the game of Legend of Dragoon, on the continent of Endiness.  
  
Leroy: That doesn't tell me a thing!  
  
Dart: Look kid, I don't even know how you got here, how am I supposed to know how to get you out? Obviously, we can't get out so what makes you think you can get out?  
  
Ania: What do you mean we might not get out?!  
  
Lloyd: *from the table* So they do talk...  
  
Me: You know, you don't seem that threatening in the game *nervous chuckle*  
  
(Dart whipped his head to face mine. He looked at me in a way that is hard to explain)  
  
Dart: You've played this game before?  
  
Me: Yeeaah....  
  
(Suddenly Rose, Lavitz, Shana, Albert, Lloyd, Miranda, Kongol, and Meru stood up and walked slowly to where I was standing. Zieg and Hashel, however, are so hammered that they passed out on the bar about two minutes ago)  
  
Dart: You're the one who plays this game the most, right?  
  
Me: Maybe, this is actually my sister's game...  
  
Ania: Hey!! What do you mean we can't get out?!  
  
(Dart raised his hand to silence Ania and he was about to make a comment, but he was interuppted by a flashing, red light reminscent of a fire alarm)  
  
All LoD characters (minus Zieg and Hashel): *groan*  
  
(Zieg and Hashel finally come back to life and Rose snorts in disgust)  
  
Lloyd: Dammit! I hate dying!!  
  
Lavitz: *nods in agreement*  
  
Zieg: I don't want that damn Melbu Frahma comin' inside me again *puts arm around Rose* but you can...  
  
Rose: Tsk *pushes his arm offa her, causing Zieg to fall on the floor, passed out*  
  
Hashel: Homo  
  
Meru: What is this, the thousandth time we've had to do this damn game?!  
  
Kongol: Strange children do it.  
  
Timoty: What's up with your grammar, dude?  
  
Dart: *strokes his chin, thinking* You know, that sounds like a good idea. I mean, this one is the principle user of the Playstation....  
  
(My friends look at me strangely when Dart jerked his thumb in my direction)  
  
Shana: But then she'd know the secrets of the game  
  
Dart: No she won't, it'll work just like with us!  
  
Lavitz: What about the rest of them? I bet they don't know a thing about this game -- or do you?  
  
(That last question was directed to the group of five still sitting on the floor. They nodded at Lavitz and he turned back to Dart)  
  
Rose: Plus there's only seven of them -- what about the rest of the cast? They don't like doing this either.  
  
Lloyd: Yeah, and I'm not gunna do the game without you all!!  
  
Zieg: *on the floor* Yeah!! Me *hiccup* neither! What are we talkin bout?  
  
Lloyd: I thought you passed out  
  
Zieg: hehehehe...  
  
Dart: Well, we'll work it out.  
  
Leroy: Are you gunna answer me or just talk about us?  
  
Dart: I'll make you a deal. *Ignores Leroy and turns to me* If you seven play our parts in the game then we'll get you outta here.  
  
Nikole: If we do that, will we end up like you guys? *clinkles nose in disgust, especially at Hashel and Zieg* Please say no...  
  
Me: Is that the only way we can get out?  
  
Dart: *nods*  
  
Me: How can I trust you? What if you decide to keep us here so you guys don't hafta play the game ever again?  
  
Dart: You just gotta trust us.  
  
(I finally had enough courage to stand up to the computer-generated characters)  
  
Me: Nuh, uh. I need more than that. I need a magical spell or what have you that'll insure our escape from the game. *Death glare*  
  
Lavitz: Damn, she's just like Rose!!  
  
Rose: There's nothing wrong with that. *Death glare*  
  
Lavitz: Gaah!! *Clutches his chest and falls down on the floor, laughing*  
  
Rose: *kicks him* That's not funny.  
  
Dart: Alright. Dragoons, c'mere.  
  
My friends: Dragoons?....  
  
(The seven who possesed Dragoon Spirits crowded around Dart and me. Meru pulled Hashel's hung-over body to the rest of the group while Lloyd, Lavitz, Miranda, and Zieg stood behind them, facing the five on the floor. Well, actually Zieg had finally gotten offa the floor and was frantically searching for more liquor; Miranda was cursing slightly louder at the gloating Shana; and Lavitz was drying his eyes from laughing so hard.)  
  
Dart: *to me* Stick out your hand.  
  
(I obeyed with caution. Dart immediately placed his hand on top of mine and the rest followed his lead. Kongol actually had to place his hand under mine, since his is strong and big enough to support the rest of our hands. They closed their eyes, even the hammered Hashel, and I felt a warm, tingly feeling go through my body. They then took their hands away)  
  
Dart: There. You have a little of all the Dragoons' powers. You can't use it during the game but once you reach the end of the game, you can use it to escape from the game. Now I think it's time for you kids to go.  
  
(He slapped my shoulder and immediately my six friends and I vanished in another flash of white light. Making sure that we were gone, the Dragoons plus Lloyd, Lavitz, Miranda, and Zieg returned to their business.)  
  
Miranda: I'm gunna win back my Dragoon Spirit!!  
  
Shana: Sorry honey, the DS's vanished with the kids *nan nan*  
  
Miranda: Dammit!! *Muttering more profanties*  
  
Albert: So what do we play now?  
  
Hashel: *jumping on Rose's lap* Strip poker!!  
  
Rose: *smacks Hashel onto the ground* Bastard 


	2. Chapter 1: The Journey Begins

Author's Note: The Prologue wasn't that funny, I know. But now the humor begins and the game actually starts. I must warn you that my English teacher would be very displeased if she saw this so if you're a stickler for grammatical and literary correctness, you won't like this. O yeah, {}means someone's thinking (which is rare amongst some of my friends *coughWesleycough*) Here ya go.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD or Sony so don't sue me  
  
Chapter 1: The Journey Begins....  
  
(It's a dark and foggy night. High in the sky, the Moon That Never Sets glowed a waxy blue color, looking down on the small town of Seles. The people of Seles slept quietly in their beds until their peaceful slumbers were interrupted by a rain of flaming arrows. Sandoran soldiers galloped into the village on horses that look like giant aardvarks and pillaged the helpless village. In the middle of the chaos, some soldiers capture a young girl and call over the Great Commander)  
  
Soldier: Great Commander, this way.  
  
Great Commander:*leans over the unconscious girl* Is this her? *Takes a green orb from a soldier and engraves a small insignia on the girl's forehead* Indeed. Take her into custody.  
  
(The Great Commander starts to walk away but he's approached by a man in a black hooded cape)  
  
Great Commander: *to the Hooded Man* Is this really necessary?  
  
Hooded Man: Hell if I know. I just saw a flash of light and I ended up here.  
  
Great Commander: ??  
  
Hooded Man: Yeah, well it's an order from Emperor Joel so you gotta do it.  
  
Great Commander: O...k....but what are you gunna do with her?  
  
Hooded Man: It's not of your concern *leans over to see the prisoner* She looks kinda familiar to me, though...  
  
(Suddenly, the girl regains consciousness)  
  
Ania: WTF?! Who are you?! What are you doing to me?! RAAAAAPE!!! They're trying to RAAAAPE ME!!  
  
[Yes, the girl is indeed Ania, taking the place of Shana. Ania definitely isn't as sweet as Shana and her legs aren't as long as Shana's (Ania's short) but Ania's pretty weak and she used to have brown hair like Shana's (now it's burgundy), but by magic we restored her original color. She's not gunna like that...]  
  
Hooded Man: Why would she think that?  
  
Ania: RAAAAAAAAPEEE!!!!  
  
[Hmph. Can't rape the willing]  
  
Great Commander: I dunno but that voice...god it's annoying!! Take her away.  
  
(The soldiers bound and gagged Ania, to surpress her loud and annoying cries of rape, and threw her into the back of a black-covered wagon. The wagon trudged away followed by the Great Commander and the rest of his batillion on horseback. The Hooded Man mysteriously disappeared as the screen fades to black....)  
  
(...and turns its attention to a wandering warrior, standing majestically on the clifftops watching the forest below with her midnight hair cascading down her back. She noticed a beast rising from the forest.)  
  
Me: Ferybrand, the Green Tusked Dragon.  
  
[Enter the herione and author of this story]  
  
Me: *rubbing gloved hands in excitement* {Hehehe....this is gunna be so fun...}  
  
(Rose, er, I jumped down the cliff and vanished into the forest.)  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Now we focus on a blood-red-armor-clad warrior sitting, confused, on a stump. He reads a war bulletin with apathy)  
  
Wesley: Tension between Basil and Sandora increases...why do I care? I just wanna go home.  
  
[Why might I cast the evil ex-boyfriend as Dart, the main character of the game? Well, he looks the most like Dart with brown spiky hair (or, it was the last time I saw him) and he's the buffest of my friends (hey, I did date him). Plus, Dart is confused through most of the game, which is how Wesley is in real life. Okay, on with the fic]  
  
(Wesley hears the galloping of hooves, so he runs over to see if it's someone who can tell him what the hell is going on. He sees soldiers galloping away, ignoring him, but two soldiers stopped in front of Wesley and drew their spears against him)  
  
Soldier A: Who are you?  
  
Wesley: *draws his sword out of instinct* oooo....shiny sword....  
  
Soldier B: You dare draw your weapon against us? Are you a mercenary of Basil?  
  
Wesley: What's a mercenary?  
  
Soldier A:*lowering his lance* You don't know what a mercenary is? Your in a medieval setting, you know that?!  
  
Soldier B: *also lowers his lance* Yeah, how can you be so stupid?!  
  
Wesley: I'm not here by choice. And that last comment was uncalled for!  
  
Soldier A: That sux. Well, I wish we could help you dude, but we gotta go. Bye.  
  
(The soldiers gallop away at a suspiously high speed. Wesley stood at the same spot, staring in the direction of the fleeing soldiers)  
  
Wesley: Hey wait!! Can't you get me outta here??!!  
  
(Thundering footsteps approached Wesley and soon, he was face-to-face with a Dragon that looks like a giant praying mantis)  
  
Wesley: Oh shit.  
  
(He takes a cue from the soldiers and runs like hell. Meanwhile, I'm admiring my dark blue armor, especially the uneven boots, and my looong sword)  
  
Me: Hell ya.  
  
(Wesley soon runs to the path that I'm standing by, followed closly by Ferybrand, who's knocking down trees and such. I'm very much enjoying Wesley being slapped around by the Dragon [payback time] but, due to my sympathetic nature, I eventually rescue him by hiding ourselves behind a huge boulder)  
  
Wesley: You...?  
  
Me: *whispers* Shhh....if you don't wanna die.  
  
(Ferybrand banged his head against the cliff in frustration, then left. As soon we were sure that he was gone, Wesley and I stood up and returned to the dirt road.)  
  
Wesley: How'd ya know that he wouldn't look behind the rock?  
  
Me: Because Dragons, much like yourself, aren't that bright.  
  
(Wesley stood, starring blankly at me and didn't say anything for about a minute)  
  
Wesley: Hey! You called me stupid!  
  
Me: *slaps forehead* What a fine catch you are....don't try to think, it'll hurt too much.  
  
Wesley: ??  
  
Me: Nevermind. By the way, that village over there has just been destroyed.  
  
Wesley: Why do I care?  
  
Me: Stupid!! That's your village!!  
  
Wesley: Oh. Then I guess I'll be going now, see ya later.  
  
Me: Bye.  
  
(Wesley ran off to "his village" and suddenly my dark blue Dragoon Spirit began to glow)  
  
Me: {You've gotta be kidding....oh fine! Oh my god, he's.....?} *yelling to the sky* You happy now?!?! *Storms off into the distance, muttering obscenities*  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(We return to Wesley, who has now reached the village of Seles and approaches a dying old man)  
  
Dying Old Man: Ahh....Wesley?....Is that really you?....if only you came sooner....  
  
Wesley: How do you know me?  
  
Dying Old Man: *ignores his comment* Aaah...you must...rescue....Ania....*dies*  
  
[I don't think the first guy to you talk to says that but I'm cutting it short since the rest of the people in Seles are basically insignificant.]  
  
[Plous: Bitch]  
  
[....Anyways...]  
  
Wesley: Ania? From real life?! Where is she? What happened to her?!  
  
Commander (no, not the Great one): He's not going to answer you. He's dead.  
  
(Wesley turned around, now standing face-to-face with a tall man in dark armor. Again, I'm cutting out the first battle with the privates because they are insignificant)  
  
Wesley: Who are you? And what did you do with Ania?!  
  
Commander: Ania? She must be the girl we captured. Yes, we burned this town just so we could get to that woman....she should be enjoying the comforts of Hellena prison by now.  
  
Wesley: ??...prison??  
  
Commander: It's sarcasm genius. Hellena is the worst prison in Endiness. It's not comfortable and it's a bad thing she's there....and you're not a genius.  
  
Wesley: grrr....that's the third time I've been called dumb in two minutes!!  
  
Commander: I wonder why.  
  
Wesley: That's it, you asked for it!!  
  
(Wesley charged at the Commander but he stopped him)  
  
Commander: Wait!!  
  
Wesley: *stops, confused*  
  
Commander: That's not how it works. I have to say this one line...ahem...Alright, I'll let you follow her, but not Hellena -- to "hell!"  
  
[I really like that line]  
  
(So the Commander charged at Wesley, who was still a little dumbfounded. The screen dissolved and Wesley found himself holding his sword, standing in a battle stance directly in front of the Commander and two privates.)  
  
Wesley: What the hell....where did those two come from...? Hey, how am I supposed to use this thing?!?!  
  
(The three enemies ignored him and one of the privates ran at Wesley. He tried to run, but Wesley's feet couldn't move!! Wesley braced himself for the blow, and the soldier slashed his dagger across Wesley's chest. Five damage.)  
  
Wesley: Ow?  
  
(The soldier ran back and it was Wesley's turn. He still didn't know how to use the sword, but a mysterious force pulled him toward the private that attacked him. Then, almost automatically, Wesley cut across the soldier twice and shouted...)  
  
Wesley: Double Slash!! *Five damage*  
  
(The soldier disappeared in a flash of red smoke and Wesley ran back to his original position)  
  
Wesley: Sweet! How did I do that?  
  
(He didn't concern himself too much with how he killed the soldier, since he still had to kill two more. The second private was just as easy to beat.)  
  
Commander: How cheeky of you. Gawh!! *Powers up*  
  
Wesley: Now what the hell does that do?  
  
(The Commander attacked Wesley. Eight damage)  
  
Wesley: Oh, that.  
  
(It took a little longer to kill the Commander, due to his power up plus he healed himself)  
  
Wesley: Hey!! How come I can't do that? Oh well, Double Slash!!  
  
(After a couple more additions, the Commander was successfully defeated and Wesley celebrated by doing a little victory dance. Yay, now he's at level two. The Commander left behind some Healing Potions and some other stuff and since Wesley did not want to leave anything to waste, he picked up the Commander's belongings)  
  
Wesley: I have no idea what these things do, but I might as well take them. Now what do I do? Oh yeah, Ania. I guess if we wanna get outta here, I'd better go rescue her. But what about Tina? Ah well, it looked to me like she could take care of herself...plus she called me stupid...grr...Yeah, um, where's Hellena anyways?  
  
(He asked for directions from some random people walking around and then headed back in the direction that he came from. Wesley was now on his first rescue mission and in full Dart-mode. I told you this was gunna be fun.)  
  
Second Author's Note: If you don't remember who Plous is (and the only reason I do is that I just started a new game myself), he's the second guy that Dart talks to in Seles, just before the fight described in this chapter. 


	3. Chapter 2: The Confusion Continues in He...

Author's Note: I hope you all aren't sick of me yet, since I'm still barely through the first disk. The action of the story will start to pick up here, so it'll be a little more exciting. Another warning: I originally started writing this story with a lot of malice and anger within me. This story's real purpose is to let off anger that I hold towards some of my friends at the time. So if my writing seems bitter and cynical, you know why.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD or Sony or any of that shit.  
  
Chapter 2: The Confusion Continues in Hellena  
  
(As soon as Wesley left Seles, the player now gets a sneak preview of Hellena. Isn't it pretty? Inside, the wardens escorted their new prisoner to her cell)  
  
Warden: Be good in there.  
  
Ania: But I'm not good!! I'm bad...how punk do I hafta dress to get that message across to ya? Oh I forgot, I'M STUCK IN A GAY VIDEO GAME!!!  
  
Warden: Whatever. Just be quiet, okay? *Whispers* Damn what an annoying voice.  
  
Ania: Hmph! I heard that!!  
  
(The warden slammed the door behind him and locked it shut. Ania threw herself on the tiny bed and pouted)  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(We now see a rather skinny man pacing up and down a rope bridge deep within Hellena. The Hooded Man stood at one end of the bridge, watching the Head Warden)  
  
Warden: Sir Swaim, the girl has been placed in her cell. *exits*  
  
Swaim: Good. *Turns to the Hooded Man* What is she here for anyways?  
  
[The Head Warden, originally played by Fruegal, is now Swaim. Swaim is a good friend of mine but a little insensitive. He used to be fat in elementary school and I don't have the heart to make him big again. Think Fruegal on Weight Watchers]  
  
Hooded Man: God why don't you people get it?! It's none of your business! {Besides, I'm not quite sure of it either....}  
  
Swaim: I don't take orders from you anyways! I only take orders from Emperor Joel!  
  
Hooded Man: In that case....if you lay a finger on that girl *draws a long sword from within his cape* I will have your head. This is a message from Emperor Joel.  
  
Swaim: *steps back away from the sword* Alright! Geez, just cuz I'm black....  
  
[No your not, whiteboy]  
  
Hooded Man: Umm....no comment....*pulls back his sword, turns and leaves*  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Wesley fought insignificant animals in the forest and found the prison, which he couldn't miss since all the cities and locations you hafta go in the game stick out like a sore thumb on the world map. Anyways, he approached the gates and hid behind a merchant's wagon and listened for a good cue to sneak in)  
  
Warden: *inspecting the load* Good meat, good fish. You can pass.  
  
Merchant:*New York accent* You guys got alotta stuff comin' in now'days. You got some big shin-dig goin' on, eh?  
  
[I don't know why, I just thought it be cool to give that merchant a New York accent]  
  
Warden: *threatens him with his weapon* It's not any concern for a merchant like you!  
  
Merchant: Whoa, whoa, whoa! *Pushes the lance away* Watch where you's pointin' that thing, eh? I don't want no trouble, I'ms just curious. 'Suze me for trying to get to know a thing or two bout m'customerz. I'll just be hopin' back in m'wagon...  
  
(The merchant climbed into the driver's seat of the wagon and cracked the reins of the large beast that pulled it. Wesley hopped in with the meat and fish [which fish are meat, so I don't know why people hafta make a difference between the two] and the merchant rode in through the gates of Hellena)  
  
(Wesley jumped out of the wagon when it came to a complete stop [thank you for riding Merchant Wagons. Please enjoy the rest of your stay here at Hellena and please be sure to visit the gift shop adjacent to this ride *repeats the same thing in Spanish, Japanese, and Arabic*]. Hey, I live in California and my uncle works at Disneyland, okay? I practically grew up there)  
  
Wesley: Can we PLEASE get on with it now? I have to be calling my girlfriend soon...  
  
[You know what, no one asked you Mr. I-cheated-on-my-girlfriend]  
  
Wesley: I never cheated on Stephanie...  
  
[Yes you did, dumbass, WITH ME!!]  
  
Wesley: Oh yeah, I forgot. *pause* You're not used to being dumped, are you?  
  
[You didn't dump me!!]  
  
(I think that's enough of that. Anyways, Wesley jumped out of the wagon and began to search for Ania -- but the search was quickly interrupted.)  
  
Merchant: Hey! Who are you?!  
  
Wesley: I'm...uh...  
  
Merchant: Guards!! Guards!!  
  
Wesley: No!! No, don't call the guards on me!!  
  
(But Wesley's attempts were in vain. The merchant's cries brought two wardens, which Wesley quickly defeated. The merchant cowered in fear at the feet of Wesley, which made his ego inflate just a bit)  
  
Merchant: Oh god, pleaze don't hurt me!! I -- I really didn't mean to call thoze guards on ya, just pleaze don't kill me!!  
  
(Wesley smiled and raised his sword...)  
  
Merchant: Oh god!!  
  
(...and placed it back in its sheath.)  
  
Wesley: Shut up. I won't kill you. I just need some information about a prisoner here....  
  
Merchant: Hey I don't know nothin' bout any of the prisoners here. They don't tell me nothin', okay? Now I'll just be standin' over here, mindin' m'own business and yous can go lookin' for whoever needs lookin' for.  
  
(Wesley starred with a raised eyebrow at the merchant while he walked over to a table just ahead of him.)  
  
Merchant: O yeah...if yous need any goods or what not, you can just come over ta me! I'll give ya a good deal, eh?  
  
(Wesley bought a few items and quickly ran out into the corridor. The search is on!!)  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Wesley ran around Hellena, searching for Ania while wardens blew whistles and randomly yelled "Who is it?!" and "Bastard!" at him. Wesley searched through open cells and found Gold and items [but if the cells were open, couldn't the prisoners just escape? Oh well] but he still couldn't find Ania. He then ran into one corridor and heard....)  
  
Warden: Move quicker!  
  
(Wesley peaked his head in and saw a warden pushing two POWs [prisoners of war] with his spear.)  
  
Warden: *laughing* Hahaha....I'll make you wish you died on the battlefield!  
  
POW: We'll see about that! *Tries to tackle the warden*  
  
Warden: *pushes him back* ooo....feisty feisty! The worst kind of POW but the best kind of feed.  
  
???: I won't let you!!  
  
(A gallant knight, dressed in the green armor of Basil, emerges from the shadows and spears two wardens [who came from no where] with his harpoon.)  
  
Warden: Bastard! How'd you break out?!  
  
(The knight didn't answer him -- he just stabbed him)  
  
Melvin: *to the POWs, reading from his hand* Go to Indeeys Castle and tell King Booberto...hehe, it says boob...huh? Oh oops...Boberto and give him this...message..?  
  
[Alright, maybe he isn't so gallant]  
  
POWs: Yes sir!  
  
Melvin: Wait! I didn't even tell you the message!!  
  
POWs: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!! *Are pushed off the bridge and fall to their doom*  
  
Melvin: Guess I don't need to. *Runs to the warden who pushed the POWs to their doom and stabbed them*  
  
(Wesley got swept up in the action and ran out to kill a few wardens himself. Once all of the wardens were dead, Melvin turned on Wesley.)  
  
Wesley: *blocking Melvin's weapon* I'm not your enemy!  
  
Melvin: *withdrawing his lance* You're not?  
  
Wesley: No! Do I look like any of those ugly-ass wardens? *laughs*  
  
(Three wardens run out into the corridor and corner the two guys)  
  
Ugly-Ass Wardens: We heard that.  
  
Wesley: Crap.  
  
Melvin: *to Wesley* Well I guess we don't have time for introductions!  
  
Wesley: No we don't.  
  
(And the screen dissolves and the battle commenses. I'm only narrating this battle cuz I like doing this...)  
  
Melvin: HARPOON!!  
  
(Alright I'm done now. Anyways, Wesley and Melvin defeat the three ugly- ass wardens -- )  
  
(Ugly-Ass Wardens: Bitch)  
  
(Geez! Would the video game characters PLEASE stop calling the narrator a bitch!!)  
  
(Ugly-Ass Wardens: It's a lame attempt at humor. You ARE the author/narrator, you should know this)  
  
(Wesley: No, no this really IS funny!! Who's dumb now?!)  
  
(Remind me to slap you when I meet you up in Hoax)  
  
(Wesley:....?)  
  
(Don't think. Let's continue -- yes, our heroes defeat the ugly-ass wardens and now they are talking. I really didn't need to narrate that.)  
  
Melvin: Alright, so what are you doing here anywayz? I mean, you didn't come here by choice, didcha?  
  
Wesley: I'm not in the game by choice, but I am in the prison by choice -- hey, why are you in the game anywayz? You weren't at the house.  
  
Melvin: I dunno how I got here -- I just saw a flash of white light and I ended up in a tavern. This weird-lookin' guy -- kinda dressed like you -- wrote these instructions down on my hand and set me to this prison. See?  
  
(Melvin showed Wesley his hand, which had the message that he tried to tell the POWs written on it. Sweat and other things had smeared the writing [not that you sickos...or maybe it is....]  
  
Wesley: Amazing. So who are you again?  
  
Melvin: Well, in real life I'm Melvin, but now I'm Sir Melvin! Head of the First Knighthood of Basil! [Just to clarify, he goes to the same school as me, Ania, Boberto, Timoty, and Leroy]  
  
Wesley: Proud of yourself, aren't ya?  
  
Melvin: Yes I am. Who are you now?  
  
Wesley: I'm Wesley -- in real life and in here.  
  
Melvin: You still didn't answer my question -- why are you in prison?  
  
Wesley: I broke in to rescue Ania. Do you where she is?  
  
Melvin: Even if I did, I wouldn't let her out! She's mean to me!  
  
Wesley: Well, we hafta rescue her or else we can't finish the game and we'll be stuck in here forever.  
  
Melvin: Well when you put it that way...aite, let's go.  
  
(So Wesley made a new friend and now our party has a grand total of two. The two evaded more wardens shouting "Who is it?" and "Bastard!" until finally they came to a big room, full of wardens. The wardens were standing around, chatting and totally ignoring Wesley and Melvin [their break room?]  
  
Wesley: The security is tight  
  
Melvin: Thank you, Mr. Obvious. *Notices a glimmer of metal* Hey, what's that?  
  
Wesley: *picking up the key* You think this is the key to Ania's cell?  
  
Melvin: I dunno, but if it is, you'd think it would be guarded better.  
  
Wesley:*shrug* Let's take it anywayz.  
  
*Aquired Key to Ania's Cell*  
  
Melvin: Maybe it is.  
  
(So they ran out of the tightly guarded room and ran across the bridge and used the key to open a locked door. When Wesley and Melvin entered the room, they assumed the cell with the most guards was the one that held Ania. However, they noticed the wardens sitting in a circle on the ground, playing cards.)  
  
Wesley:*aside to Melvin* Why are all these damn characters playing cards? Don't they have anything better to do?  
  
Melvin: *aside to Wesley* Guess not  
  
Ania: *from inside the cell* Hey you lazy-ass bastards!! I'm thirsty and I want something to drink!!  
  
Warden A: *rubbing his head* I could use a drink right now  
  
Warden B: Maybe if you didn't yell at us so much, you wouldn't be thirsty!!  
  
Ania: I'm not yelling! I'm asking firmly for a drink!!  
  
Warden C: Lady, this is a prison, not a hotel!! We're the wardens, not the bellboys!! You're the prisoner, not the guest!! You're --  
  
Warden A: Dude, we get the idea.  
  
Ania: I don't care, GET ME A DAMN DRINK!!  
  
Wesley: {Okay that's enough}*jumps in front of the guards* We're here to...defeat you and rescue the girl.  
  
Warden C: Dude you guys can have her!  
  
Wesley and Melvin:*confused*  
  
Warden B: She's been bitchin' and ordering us around ever since she got here! Plus, we'd like to live, so y'all can rescue her. C'mon guys, let's go finish our game in the break room. *The three pick up their stuff and leave.*  
  
Melvin: What just happened?  
  
Wesley: I dunno, but I'm goin' in. Stay out here and watch for anymore guards, okay?  
  
Melvin: 'Kay.  
  
(Wesley opened the cell door with the same key [how convient] and entered the dark cell and saw Ania standing in the middle, wearing a short white dress and small brown boots. The happy renunion!)  
  
Ania: *hug* Wesley!! *Punches him in the shoulder* Bout damn time you came and rescued me!!  
  
Wesley: That's no way to talk to your liberator  
  
Ania: Ooo....big word...  
  
(Suddenly, twinkly music begins to play)  
  
Ania and Wesley: WTF?  
  
Melvin: *sticks head inside cell* Am I going crazy, or do I hear twinkly music?  
  
Wesley: Not unless we're all going crazy.  
  
Mysterious Male Voice Over Intercom: Excuse me, but the twinkly music is playing because Ania and Wesley are supposed to be in love.  
  
Ania and Wesley: Eeeewwwww.....  
  
Ania: I refuse to be in love with Tina's leftovers!!  
  
Mysterious Female Voice Over Intercom: Dart! Don't help them!! *Smack*  
  
M.M.V.O.I.: Sorry. Carry on *click*  
  
Melvin: Where the hell did they get that thing?  
  
Wesley: *pause* Hey!! I'm not leftovers!!  
  
Ania: Took you long enough. But hey! You're supposed to be rescuing me!  
  
Wesley: Right. Umm...let's go.  
  
(So Ania and Wesley left the cell and met back up with Melvin. Ania retrieved her bow and arrows and the trio bolted out. I know you have another fight with some more wardens, but that fight is insignifcant. Plus I still got a whole lotta more stuff to narrate so let's move on.)  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Meanwhile, halfway on their way to the break room, the three wardens who guarded Ania's cell realized that Swaim was not gunna like that they deliberately let the girl go. They formulated a plan and sent Warden C to go deliver the news to Swaim.)  
  
Warden C: Why the hell do I hafta do it?  
  
Warden A: Because you're the newest and the one with the lowest salary.  
  
Warden B: Sucks to be you.  
  
(Wardens A and B pushed Warden C into Swaim's office to deliver the bad news)  
  
Warden C: *deep breath* SirthegirlfromSelesandtheknightfromBasilescaped  
  
Swaim: What?  
  
Warden C: Well, the knight from Basil broke out of his cell this morning --  
  
Swaim: Not that, the other part!  
  
Warden C: Oh, um..the girl from Seles was taken away by the knight and a guy dressed in armor. I assure you, the guards did their best to keep her locked up -- they did not hand her over without a fight*cough* And I'm telling you this as a messager, not *cough* as one of those guards*cough* {please don't fire me...}  
  
Wardens A and B: *smack foreheads* Dumbass  
  
Swaim: Arrgghhh!!!*throws Warden C to his doom*  
  
Warden C: Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh*fades away*  
  
Swaim: I might as well paint the whole place with red with their blood!!*exits*  
  
(*Gasp* Can our heroes stand up to the nasty Swaim?! Find out on our next episode!! Same time, same place) 


	4. Chapter 3: Our First Boss Fight! Yay!

Author's Note: Thanks for reviewing, the few who have, especially Aerena! That's really all I hafta say in this note, so yeah....  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD. Well, technically, I own a copy of the game LoD, but you know what I mean  
  
Chapter 3: Our First Boss Fight!! Yay!!  
  
(Our heroes are almost out of Hellena!! As they race towards the exit, they find themselves face-to-face with a small roadblock)  
  
Melvin and Ania: SWAIM?!  
  
Wesley: Who the hell are you?  
  
Swaim: I'm the head warden of this fine establishment, and I'm here to make sure you don't go any further!  
  
Wesley: You two know him?  
  
Melvin: He goes to school with us.  
  
Ania: Unfortunetly.  
  
Swaim: *notices Ania, looks disgusted* Seeing as how you two dudes have Ugly with you here, I should just let you go. Seems that she's been scaring all the captives with her face!!  
  
Ania: censored you.  
  
Wesley: That wasn't nice -- neither of you  
  
Swaim: Well, even if I let y'all go that Hooded guy will kick my ass. So you'd better fight me if you wanna get outta here!  
  
Wesley: *draws sword* Sounds like a challenge  
  
(And so the screen dissolves and the battle begins. Swaim is accompanied by two senior wardens, who are slightly tougher than the regular wardens. The trio quickly defeated one of the wardens, but just before he died, the senior warden gave our heroes a little present)  
  
Senior Warden: Argh! If I'm going to hell, I might as well take you with me!! *Throws Gushing Magma*  
  
(Towers of lava surrounded the party, but only for a short time. The senior warden then dissapeared in a cloud of red smoke)  
  
Ania: OW!! *20 damage [estimate]*  
  
Melvin:*10 damage* How thoughtful  
  
(The second senior warden did the same thing and soon, it was just Swaim and our little trio. Swaim would occasionally bash someone with his club or throw huge boulders at another.)  
  
Swaim: *throws boulder at Ania*  
  
Ania: *20 damage* Hey!! I thought you wanna keep me alive!!  
  
Swaim: That doesn't mean I can't knock you around once in a while. This is for breaking me and my girlfriend up!!*throws boulder at Ania*  
  
Ania: *dies*  
  
Swaim: Oops. My bad  
  
Wesley and Melvin: OMG! What do we do?!  
  
Mysterious Male Voice Over Intercom: Man, you two are dense. What do you think those items are for?!  
  
Mysterious Female Voice Over Intercom: Dart!! You help them one more time and I swear...*smack*  
  
M.M.V.O.I: Ow! Geez, Shana, you're supposed to be the healer in this group. Carry on. *Click*  
  
Swaim: That was odd.  
  
Wesley: Yeess...very...anyways, it's not my turn. Melvin, you're gunna hafta do it  
  
Melvin: O...k...*takes out small jar from his pocket* Hmm....Angel's Prayer....*reading* Directions: To resurect and give half health to a member of your party, unscrew cap and throw into the air. Keep out of reach of children. Side effects may include....  
  
Wesley: Quit stalling, just heal her!!  
  
Melvin: Fine! Geez *unscrews cap and throws in the air*  
  
Ania: *back to life* Aaahhh....what the hell?...  
  
Swaim: How come I can't do that?  
  
Wesley: Don't question, just shoot.  
  
Ania: Gladly.  
  
(Our dense heroes just learned something new. Maybe the quality of public education isn't as good as we thought it to be....anyways, the trio eventually brought Swaim's health low enough to defeat him. But he doesn't die yet...)  
  
Swaim: *sitting on the floor* Argh!!  
  
Wesley: Is he immortal?  
  
Melvin: You'd think if he could take a beating like that, he'd do better in wrestling.  
  
(Wesley and Melvin stole two horse/giant aardvark animals and Ania climbed on the one Wesley stole. They rode out of Hellena and deserted the beasts just outside the Prairie, since they could hide easier without them. Wesley, followed by Ania then Melvin, ran quickly through the Prairie but Melvin is soon shot in the foot)  
  
Melvin: OW! Damn!  
  
Ania: You okay?  
  
Melvin: I'll live, but we gotta hide quick!  
  
(Our fugitives found a patch of tall grass to conceal themselves in. Two wardens approach the same patch of tall grass and see the reeds rustling. Oh no! Will our heroes be discovered?....)  
  
Warden 1: What's that?!  
  
Warden 2: It's them!! I know it!! We got them now!!  
  
(The wardens bear their weapons and point it straight at what seems to be Wesley, Melvin, and Ania. The reeds shake violently and what emerges from the grass is....a rabbit)  
  
Rabbit: *nose wiggle and hops away* [how cute!! ^_^]  
  
Warden 1: Is this our fugitive?  
  
Warden 2: Of course not, dumbass! *Smack*  
  
Warden 1: That was uncalled-for! I was being sarcastic!  
  
Warden 2: Whatever. Let's check this way. *They run in the opposite direction*  
  
(Apparently, our heroes are smarter than we thought, for they crawled through the grass and watched the two feuding wardens from the other side of the reeds. I'm so proud of them!! Anyways, the group soon finds an empty shed to rest in and treat Melvin's wound)  
  
Ania: There. Good as new.  
  
Wesley: I didn't know that you could do that  
  
Ania: I kinda had to learn it in health last year. Plus, it's supposed to be a part of the plot.  
  
[Here is were I hafta make them actually know something about the game. Dart doesn't feel like being slapped by Shana again]  
  
Wesley: Really?  
  
Ania: In the game, we grew up in the same town -- Seles in fact. Then you left five years ago. *Smack* Bastard!  
  
Wesley: Ow! Sorry!!  
  
Melvin: Why did you leave Seles?  
  
Wesley: To pursue [a word you will see alot] the Black Monster. He killed my parents and destoyed my first hometown, Neet.  
  
Melvin: Damn that sucks  
  
Wesley: Yeah. It was horrible....  
  
*Flashback*  
  
(Snowy Neet is up in flames and a terrible winged demon holds a royal soldier of Mille Seseau by the throat. We don't know what they are saying -- all we hear in the low, raspy voice of the demon growling at the soldier who later cries screams of agonizing pain as the Black Monster sets him aflame. Three people are seen fleeing the burning town -- a five-year-old Wesley, his red-haired father, and raven-haired mother.)  
  
Wesley: My mother, father, and I escaped from the village, but my father, a warrior in his younger days, thought that he could go back and save the town by destroying the Black Monster. My mother, also a natural fighter, wanted to help. They said goodbye to each other and to me, leaving me in the forest outside the town. The next day I went back to Neet, hoping I could find my mom and dad there. But all I found was my father's memento that he always carried around.  
  
*Flashback over*  
  
Wesley: *holding memento, which is a small red stone glowing brightly* I've had this ever since. And five years ago, I went out to find the Black Monster and kill him.  
  
Melvin: Revenge?  
  
Wesley: Like you wouldn't believe  
  
Ania: Psh. Men.  
  
Wesley: *quickly changing the subject* So Melvin, you all healed up?  
  
Melvin: For now. I mean, I can walk and all  
  
Wesley: Alright, let's go.  
  
Ania: Go where?  
  
Wesley: Good question.  
  
Melvin: Well, you guys might as well come with me to Bale. I gotta go tell King Boberto the bad news -- my knighthood was annilated.  
  
Wesley: Ouch  
  
Melvin: Ya know what, we got this super smart dude at the Castle -- Minister Vicente -- he might know something bout the Black Monster  
  
Wesley: Sweet  
  
Ania: Boberto? And Vicente? You don't mean....  
  
Melvin: Probably.  
  
Ania: How come I couldn't be royalty?! But noooo....I had to be put in prison and my love interest is him *points to Wesley*  
  
Wesley: I'm not that bad. Tina and Nikole obviously saw something in me.  
  
Ania: Well, look at what Nikole dated before you *points to Melvin*  
  
Melvin: Leave me outta this!!  
  
Wesley: WHAT?! Nikole dated you?!  
  
Melvin: No comment.  
  
[You, the reader, must understand that we (my social group) all have dated each other at least once in our short lives (except for those within our own sex). Don't ask, looong stories]  
  
Ania: And you haven't even seen Tina's previously boyfriends...wait, you have met Leroy...  
  
Wesley: You know what, I don't wanna know. Fine, let's go to Bale.  
  
(And so, that painful conversation ends and the trio set out for Bale. They quickly find themselves in the Limestone Cave, where a monster, who terrorized travelers, was rumored to live there. I think our genius president Dubya [sarcasm] would consider him a "terroist" and a part of the "axis of evil.")  
  
Wesley: So where is this monster?  
  
Melvin: Dunno. Hey! Maybe we won't hafta fight him!  
  
Ania: Chicken!!  
  
Melvin: You better be nice to me -- I saved your ass back in Hellena, remember?!  
  
Wesley: Hey! Whadda bout me?!  
  
Melvin: She's in love with you, so she hasta be nice to you.  
  
Ania: AM NOT!!  
  
Melvin: Are to!  
  
Ania: AM NOT!!  
  
Wesley: Shhhh!! You hear that?  
  
(A faint hissing echoed through the Cave, and soon a long brown snake emerged from the shadows of the Cave. It beared its fangs and forked tongue and lunged for the trio. Screen dissolves, battle begins. What actually happens in the battle isn't important, but what happens after the battle is...)  
  
(When our heroes damaged the snake enough, Wesley did his end-of-the-battle- Dart-move..)  
  
Wesley: *runs up to the snkae, sword drawn* TA! *Jumps, slashes at the snake* [end-of-the-battle-Dart-move]  
  
(So the snake falls dead on its side, green blood oozing from its mouth. The trio leans over the corspe and, making sure it was dead, stepped over the snake and walked toward the exit of the Cave. Ania was the last in line. Suddenly, the snake rises to strike Ania one final time!)  
  
Wesley: Ania, look out!!  
  
(As the snake leans in to eat our heroine, she responses by emitting a bright blue-white light from her body with a luminating insignia on her forehead. The snake insinerated in the light, and Ania fell to her knees once the light had faded.)  
  
Wesley: Ania! Are you okay?  
  
Ania: I...think so...  
  
Melvin: What the hell was that?!  
  
Ania: I -- I don't know!! Look, let's just go.  
  
(And so they did, leaving with a feeling of confusion and uneasiness) 


	5. Chapter 4: Bale and the King of Sandwich...

Author's Note: Sorry folks, the Dark Evil One is NOT Nikole in my story. The Dark Evil One comes later. Also I wont be posting the rest of this fic until after Easter (April 20) becuz I gave up cursing for Lent and that includes in print  
  
Readers: *cheers*  
  
*sniff sniff*...haha well I dont get that many readers anyways so whatever.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD -- don't you get it already?!  
  
Chapter 4: Bale and the King of Sandwiches  
  
Wesley: So this is Bale.  
  
Melvin: Yup.  
  
Ania: Doesn't look that impressive to me.  
  
Melvin: Ya know what, I -- oof!!  
  
(A woman carrying a baby on her back bumped into the trio as she raced to get outta Bale)  
  
Woman: HEY! Watch where you're going!!  
  
Ania: You ran into us!!  
  
Woman: Shhh!!! You made the baby cry!!  
  
Baby: Tee!!  
  
Woman: *to her baby* Yes, we're going to find Tee...shhh...  
  
Melvin: That doesn't look to me like the kid's crying  
  
Wesley: Who's Tee?  
  
Ania: You know who you look like, ma'am?  
  
Woman: I really don't have time. I really need to get out of here.  
  
(And so the woman left, with the baby still shouting "Tee!" Our heroes stood in the middle of the rode, staring at each other for a minute, trying to figure out what just happened)  
  
Ania: I coulda sworn that woman looked like --  
  
Melvin: And I coulda sworn that we were going to the Castle to go talk with the King, but it seems like we are just standing around wondering about a rude woman!! Let's go already!!  
  
Wesley: You don't have to be so snippy.  
  
Ania: Snippy?  
  
(So the three arguing teenagers walked toward Indels Castle, but not before enabling a drunkard's alcoholism just so they could get to a boat and ride around Bale. When they entered the Castle, random knights greeted Melvin while they wandered trying to find the throne room. When they found it, and the person sitting on the throne, they were at a lose for words.)  
  
Ania and Melvin: Ah hell no!!  
  
Boberto: Yeess! Hey! Get me another sandwich!  
  
Servant: *gets a sandwich and gives it to Boberto*  
  
Boberto: Heelllss yes!  
  
Ania: It's just not fair.  
  
Wesley: Umm....hello, King?  
  
Boberto: Oh. Wassup, Melvin! I heard you're knighthood all died  
  
Melvin: Yeah...basically  
  
Boberto: That sucks...anyways, you hear to get more info bout the war, huh?  
  
Melvin: Yeah.  
  
Boberto: Well, I'll get Minister Vicente -- he's really the one who knows all the war shit. Vicente!  
  
Minister Vicente: Yes?  
  
Boberto: I think it's time to start the war meeting  
  
Minister Vicente: Yeah, okay  
  
Wesley: Before you start that, can you tell me about the Black Monster?  
  
Minister Vincente: Why the hell would you wanna know that?  
  
Wesley: Because he censored killed my parents and my entire hometown!!  
  
Minister: Oh! You're a survivor of Neet?!  
  
Wesley: I thought you were supposed to be smart  
  
Minister Vicente: Temper, temper. Well, I don't know much about the Black Monster, but I do know about the Dragon Campaign....  
  
Wesley: I really don't care about a campaign for dragons...  
  
Minister Vicente: I don't care that you don't care. You have to listen to me anyways -- number one, because it's the most lines I have in this damn game and number two, because the Dragon Campaign is actually a war that happened 11,000 years ago which will become more and more important as the game progresses.  
  
Ania: Oh goody, a history lesson  
  
Melvin: I told ya he was smart  
  
Minister Vicente: Yes I am....anyways years before the Dragon Campaign, Winglies ruled the world and enslaved all the species --  
  
Wesley: Winglies? Someone was creative  
  
Minister Vicente: Don't interrupt. The Humans got sick of it so they formed an army under the direction of Emperor Diaz and the seven Dragoons -- seven warriors who used the power of the dragon to fight (hence, Dragon Campaign)  
  
All: Ohhhhh.....{I still don't get it}  
  
Minister Vicente: Yeesss...now that everyone understands {not really}....the Liberation Army of Humans, headed by the Dragoons and Emperor Diaz, defeated the Winglies 11,000 years ago therefore ending the war and freeing the species from slavery!  
  
All: Yay!  
  
(Now that actually is supposed to be a video, just so ya know)  
  
Wesley: How does that relate to the Black Monster?  
  
Minister Vicente: Well, shortly after the Dragon Campaign ended the Black Monster appeared and started massacring towns, but no one really knows why. Sorry, can't help ya there.  
  
Wesley: Grrr....  
  
[Hehehe...I know why....]  
  
Boberto: Well, I guess we'd better start the war meeting...  
  
Wesley: Wait, I have one last request!  
  
Boberto: {Demanding little....}Okay, what do you want?  
  
Wesley: Can Ania stay in the Castle here with you?  
  
Ania: WHAT?!  
  
Melvin: Woohoo!  
  
Boberto and Vicente: NOO!!  
  
Wesley: Why not?! I mean, the only reason I would leave her here is, of course, for her safety..hehe....  
  
Melvin: Plus the fact that she's ANNOYING!!  
  
Ania: You know I have weapons and I'm not afraid to use them...  
  
Melvin: So do I...  
  
Boberto: You still can't leave her here! Look, Sandora has captured a dragon and they're using it against us. If the dragon attacks, Bale'll probably be its first target and we can't defend the Castle against a dragon.  
  
Wesley: Probably that same damn dragon that attacked me...  
  
Ania: Well at least SOMEONE cares about my safety....  
  
Boberto: Really, who?  
  
Ania: *profanities*  
  
Boberto: Alright everyone I'm starting the war meeting! Ania, Wesley, you two go wander the Castle I don't care what the hell you do.  
  
Wesley and Ania: Well, can we...  
  
Boberto: No.  
  
Wesley and Ania: Damn! *Both walk out onto balcony*  
  
(Well, we all know what Wesley and Ania are going to say on the balcony, so let's listen in on the war meeting, shall we?)  
  
Boberto: So anyone catch the Dodgers game last night?  
  
Melvin: Nah, don't really care for baseball  
  
Random Knight: What is this baseball you speak of?  
  
Minister Vicente: Hey! I thought we were supposed to be talking about the war? Hence, war meeting?  
  
Boberto: It doesn't matter, I don't control what happens to these guys anyways -- I'm just a character in the game I'm not the one playing it.  
  
Minister Vicente: Good point.  
  
Boberto: Of course, I'm the king! Speaking of which, where's my sandwich?!  
  
(How enlightening. Okay, back onto the balcony)  
  
Wesley: You think we can see Seles from here?  
  
Ania: No, stupid. Seles is over the mountain -- plus it burned down, remember?  
  
Wesley: Right.  
  
Melvin: Hey guys  
  
Wesley: How was the "war meeting?"  
  
Melvin: Enlightening....anyways, I'm heading to Hoax to defend against the dragon. You two wanna come with?  
  
Wesley: Sure  
  
Ania: Whatever  
  
(The two of them start to leave...)  
  
Melvin: What, no inspirational self-discovery music?  
  
Wesley: *raises a hand apathetically*  
  
(CUE INSPIRATIONAL SELF-DISCOVERY MUSIC!!!)  
  
*Inspirational self-discovery music plays*  
  
Melvin: Alright.....whatever, let's go.  
  
Wesley: Wait, don't we hafta visit your mom?  
  
Melvin: I have a mom?  
  
Ania: Well you had to come from SOMEWHERE didn't you?  
  
Melvin: Well, yeah, but this is a video game...  
  
Wesley: Screw it, I'm getting bored with this town anyways, let's just go to Hoax  
  
[That was...interesting...] 


	6. Chapter 5: The Many Battles of Hoax

Author's Note: Okay maybe I lied about that not writing till after Easter...well actually this really will be the last chapter I post until after April 20th. And I wrote this chapter before I gave up cursing! This is the chapter you've all been watiting for (even if you don't know it)....if you've played the game then you kno what I'm talking bout. YAY!!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD y'all should know that by now...  
  
Chapter 5: The Many Battles of Hoax  
  
(Approaching Hoax. Enter? Yes!)  
  
Wesley: This isn't a town this is a fort!  
  
Melvin: Well, we're kinda in the middle of a war...  
  
(The three didn't waste any time -- well actually, I made them not waste any time because I'm getting bored with this disk and I don't want to deal with pointless encounters with mid-wives.)  
  
Mid-wife: Why you little...  
  
[If you call me a bitch I swear...]  
  
(Okay, well all the midwife tells you is that twenty years ago, Carlo the king was murdered and his six year old son Boberto took over the country and Carlo's brother Joel did not like that so he split the countries and have been fighting ever since. Plus talking to the midwife creates a moment of sexual tension between Dart and Shana, or in this case, Wesley and Ania. And none of us want that, right?  
  
Wesley and Ania: Right.  
  
(Good. Now quit arguing with the video game characters!!  
  
[Sorry]  
  
(Anyways, they quickly found the Head of the Eighth Knighthood, Brendan, to figure out the situation)  
  
Melvin: Yo! Brendan!  
  
Brendan: Melvin! Why the hell am I here?  
  
Melvin: *whispers* You're the Head of the Knights here and you're preparing for a war...  
  
Brendan: Oh yes, that's right and you want me to assign your positions....well, let's have Miss Priss over here cook all the meals for the knights...  
  
Ania: Hell no, I cook for NO ONE  
  
Brendan: Well, in this part of the game you don't fight at all and we had to think of some way to keep you occupied  
  
Ania: Stupid backwards medieveal society...  
  
Brendan: Quit complaining and start cooking, Princess.  
  
Ania: *exits, muttering more profanities*  
  
Brendan: And now you guys...since it's already dark outside...  
  
Melvin and Wesley: It is?!  
  
Brendan: Yes, it is and do you know why? Cuz I say it is!! Go take over for the watch-man!!  
  
Wesley: So I get bossed around AND I don't get any sleep...  
  
Brendan: Sleep is for the weak! Now go to your position while I take a nap...  
  
[Aha! Didn't see that one coming, didcha?]  
  
Wesley: Well, actually...  
  
[Shut up]  
  
(Melvin and Wesley went and took over for the watch-man. It was super quiet except for the hooting of the owls)  
  
Wesley: Since the enemy isn't coming...  
  
Melvin: How do you know?  
  
Wesley: Cuz of the owls in the forest are hooting, which means that no dragon or army is nearby  
  
Melvin: So you DO know something...  
  
[I would think it would be the other way around, but what do I know?! I'm just the damn author of this story...]  
  
Wesley: So I'm gunna go pick up something  
  
Melvin: Ya wanna tell me what that something is?  
  
Wesley: No. And you never will know MUHAHAHA!!  
  
Melvin: Riiiight  
  
(So Wesley went to go pick up this "something" but once he got to the bottom of the stairs, complete and utter silence befell their ears...)  
  
Wesley: The owls...  
  
Knight: The Sandorans are coming!! The Sandorans are coming!!!  
  
Sandorans: AAAAAHHHH!!! DAMN SKIPPY!!!!  
  
(Flaming arrows bombarded the fort and Sandoran soldiers broke the defenses of the great Hoax. Hoax was under attack, complete chaos followed, and Melvin and Wesley were right in the middle of it!! This is where the great Bill and Ted would say "EXCELLENT!!" Sorry. Anyways, the two of them killed numerous anonymous soldiers, which dissapeared once they died instead of lying on the ground in a bloody heap...darn...but once they thought it was all over...)  
  
Sandoran Elite: Tut, is this the strongest defense Basil has to offer? It's so pathetically weak! I laugh at your weakness, ahahaha!  
  
Wesley: Let's go get that one  
  
Sandoran Elite: There are two of you? Oooh, should I be scared now?  
  
Wesley: Big talkers are usually weak  
  
Melvin: And trying to make up for smaller things  
  
Sandoran Elite: *blushes* Are you insulting my manliness?! How dare you!! Now you're gunna get it!!  
  
(And the battle begins. At first the Elite just whipped Melvin and Wesley around with a chain...)  
  
Melvin: I'm sure the ladies love that...  
  
(...and shot them with darts)  
  
Sandoran Elite: ARROWS!!  
  
(Whatever. But he wasn't a tough opponent. Volcano [we just recently mastered Double Slash -- aren't you proud of us?] and Harpoon were almost too strong for this one)  
  
Sandoran Elite *health down to yellow*: Now I'm taking my gloves off!  
  
(He then stands perfectly straight, brings his hands together, and begins to chant. Weird green symbols circle around him as he throws down his hands, shooting green flames onto the ground, where they jetted across to Wesley and Melvin, exploding once they approached our heroes)  
  
Wesley: *40 damage*  
  
Melvin: *20 damage*  
  
(The pair kept attacking and once the Elite's health was border-line red, his next trick was the split into 3)  
  
Sandoran Elite: Can you peg the real me?  
  
[He's on the right]  
  
Melvin: *to the guy on the far right* Harpoon!  
  
Sandoran Elite: Darn!  
  
(After two more turns, he split again -- he's on the left this time guys)  
  
Wesley: *to the guy on the far left* Volcano!  
  
Sandoran Elite: Darn!  
  
Melvin: Isn't this cheating?  
  
Wesley: Why are you questioning her?! You wanna kill him, dontcha?!  
  
Melvin: Umm...yeah...  
  
[Then don't question me!! MUHAHAHAHA!! Ooh, something me and Wesley actually agree on...scary...]  
  
(The Elite's final attempt at the splitting thing -- he's in the middle)  
  
Melvin: *to the guy in the middle* Harpoon!  
  
Sandoran Elite: *dies*  
  
Wesley and Melvin: *victory dance*  
  
(You think that's it?! Not even close!)  
  
Knight: GIGANTO!!!  
  
Wesley: What the hell...?  
  
(The earth shook as the towering giant entered Hoax. The giant was about 9 feet tall; as brown as the earth itself; clothed only in lion's fur and leather; decorated in blood-red warpaint all over his face and body; and wielding a menacing axe that could break men's bones with a single blow. Who was this fiersome creature? Why none other than...)  
  
Leroy: ARGH!! HUMANS MUST DIIIIEEEE!!!  
  
Wesley: wtf?!  
  
Melvin: You've got to be kidding me...  
  
Leroy: Oh, hey guys...*clears throat* I mean...ARGH!!! HUMANS WILL PAAAAAYYY!!!  
  
Wesley: Umm...Leroy?  
  
Leroy: Ya?  
  
Wesley: What do you think you're doing?!  
  
Leroy: I, um...LEROY WILL FIGHT AND WIN IN THE NAME OF EMPEROR JOEL!!!  
  
Melvin: You weirdo what is wrong with you?!?!  
  
(While Wesley and Melvin try and figure out what was wrong with Leroy, Leroy charged at the two with his big axe and the battle began. Leroy attacked first, thundering over to Melvin and whacking him with his axe.)  
  
Melvin: *40 damage* OW! Leroy that hurt!!!  
  
Leroy: Leroy supposed to hurt small ones  
  
Melvin and Wesley: ?!  
  
Leroy: ??...Me feel same way!!  
  
(As soon as Leroy began to think about what happened to his speaking ability, he also discovered that thinking about it was almost as painful as talking. The demeanor of Kongol was slowly taking over Leroy...  
  
...so then it was Wesley's turn to attack. He charges at Leroy and swings his sword, but the player didn't hit the X button at exactly the right moment....so Leroy grabbed Wesley by the neck and feet, cracked Wesley's back with his knee, and threw him across the battlefield)  
  
Wesley: *20 damage* You did that on purpose, didn't you?  
  
[Hehehe....]  
  
(So Leroy knocked the two around a little bit: one attack he picked the two up by their necks, bashed their heads against each other's, and threw them back onto the ground; the next attack, he charged at one of them and punched him in the face, sending him flying across the battlefield. But Wesley and Melvin did manage to beat him; however, when Wesley charged at Leroy to deliver the final blow [like he does with almost all major boss battles]....)  
  
Wesley: Ta!  
  
(....Leroy sent him flying back!! *Gasp* Oh no!! It looked like it was all over for Wesley and Melvin until -- they saw a blue twinkle in the sky. A winged figure dove straight towards Leroy, tackling him while it was in mid- air. Leroy flew high in the air and came back down to earth with a humugus THUD! Leroy was out cold.)  
  
Wesley and Melvin: Whhooooaaa....  
  
(The winged figure hovered over Wesley and Melvin)  
  
Wesley and Melvin: O_O Tina?!?!  
  
Me: *pointing sword at Wesley* Awaken!! Spirit of the Red-Eyed Dragon!!  
  
(Inspirational self-discovery music played as that little red stone that Wesley glowed crimson and a wave of fire swept over Wesley. Red armor appeared on his body and red and green wings sprouted from his back. So Wesley now hovered over the Melvin and the recovering Leroy while I de- transformed back into my human self [uneven boots and all]. All three boys stared at me with awe and confusion as a flipped my midnight black hair back over my shoulder and looked at them almost to say "Yeah, I know, I'm better than you.")  
  
(So Wesley and Melvin both go up to level 7 [while little Ania is still at level 6] and Melvin receives Spinning Cane [or something like that]. Wesley is still in his Dragoon form and Leroy regains consciousness)  
  
Leroy: ....wtf.....? Tina, what was that for? Ooohh...Tina looking seexxy...  
  
Me: Thanks :D Anways, sorry bout that Leroy, but ya kno, it's all apart of the game I hadta do it.  
  
Leroy: It's all chill....I mean, Leroy lost! Gigantos never lose!! Humans will pay!! *Runs off*  
  
Me: Ah well, that wont be the last time we see him.  
  
Melvin: Wesley!! WTF is up with you?! Y-you have wings!!  
  
*Enter Ania*  
  
Ania: Wesley, Melvin, is everything all right?...WTF?!?!  
  
Wesley: *de-transforms* Seeing Ania makes me...relieved...*faints*  
  
Me: Wuss.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(In the darkness, you hear...)  
  
Ania: WTF did you do to Wesley?!?  
  
Me: Oh it's nice to see you too Ania. Yes, I'm fine thanks for your concern  
  
Ania: I don't need your lip, Tina!  
  
Me: Don't try that with me, cuz you KNOW I'm not gunna feel sorry for you...  
  
(Now that Wesley has regained consciousness, you can actually see us agruing and not just hear us)  
  
Me: I save all your friggin lives and this is the thanks I get -- being yelled at by her !!  
  
Ania: Oh please, no way you coulda save our lives!!  
  
Me: Oh, and you coulda?!  
  
Ania: Yes!!  
  
Me: *draws sword* Wanna prove it, be-yotch?  
  
Melvin: Cat fight! Cat fight!  
  
Me and Ania: SHUT UP! *Death glare*  
  
Wesley: Stop it, all of you! Tina, put your sword away there will be no cat fights.  
  
Me and Melvin: Dammit  
  
Wesley: And Ania, she's right. Tina saved our lives and she saved mine twice.  
  
Ania: What?! You mean, we're in her debt?!  
  
Me: Yes and you should be kissing my boots for saving your boooy-friend. *Evil chuckle*  
  
Ania: You mean your LEFTOVERS  
  
Wesley: What have I said about calling me leftovers....  
  
Melvin: Okay that's enough. Tina, come stand on the other side of the bed, next to me. And explain to us why you saved our lives.  
  
Me: Because of what Wesley had -- the Dragoon Spirit of the Red-Eyed Dragon.  
  
Wesley, Ania, and Melvin: ???  
  
Me: Well, you guys know about the Dragon Campaign, right? Where Emperor Diaz and the Dragoons lead the Liberation Army of Humans to victory over the Winglies?  
  
Wesley: So THAT'S what Minister Vicente was talkin' bout...  
  
Me: Yeah, well, me and Wesley are Dragoons -- the same Dragoons of the Dragon Campaign. Well, not exactly the same, it's not like I actually *cough* fought in the Dragon Campaign *cough* {Nice going stupid}  
  
All: Now I understand what Minister Vicente was talkin bout in Bale!!  
  
Me: {Ya kno, sometimes their stupidity is a good thing...} Exactly. Well, each Dragoon can attack physically, like any Human, and they can use magic and they can fly, like Dragons. Wesley is the Red-Eyed Dragoon so he can only use fire magic and I am the Dark Dragoon so I can only use dark magic. *Takes out Spirit and it begins to glow*  
  
Ania: This is not fair. She gets to be the dark warrior with black hair and magic while I hafta be the preppy damsel-in-distress! Why can't she be the preppy one?! I AM a wiccan punk you kno...  
  
Me: Oh get over it {poser}  
  
Melvin: I wouldn't call you a damsel...that would imply that you are a lady....  
  
Ania: *death glare*  
  
Wesley: IS THAT THE ONLY REASON YOU SAVED ME? Because I have this Dragoon Spirit?  
  
Me: STOP SHOUTING. No that wasn't the only I saved you.  
  
Wesley: *mocking* So you do like me...  
  
Me: I never said that. You guys remind me of my dear old friends. Oh and speaking of remberance...*slaps Wesley*  
  
Wesley: OW! What was that for?!  
  
Me: For many things, but mostly for calling me dumb in chapter 2!  
  
Ania: I thought we were your dear old friends  
  
Me: I meant my video game friends!  
  
Melvin: Well, where are they now?  
  
Me: Gone... They're all gone.... *bows head out of respect*  
  
Melvin: What do you mean "gone"?  
  
Me: I'm not telling you that! I have to keep a mysterious aura about me.  
  
All: Oh. *Bow heads out of respect*  
  
Me: Can we just get on with it? Let's go check out the damages.  
  
(The damages were devistating. Both sides suffered heavy casualities. Brenden was not one of them)  
  
Melvin: Brenden, you're ok!  
  
Brenden: *limping* No...I'm....dying....I don't think...I can...go on....  
  
Melvin: Stupid! It's just a flesh wound!  
  
Brenden: Maybe...Tina can make it better ;)  
  
Tina: Ugh.  
  
Brenden: Oh well I tried. Anways, it wasn't as bad as we thought but they didn't use the Dragon.  
  
Melvin: But they did use a Giganto...geez, why can't they just fight their own battles? Cowards.  
  
Brenden: Yeah well, the Seventh Knighthood is also trying to fend off the Sandorans at the Seventh Fort in the Marshlands. And we still need to take out the Dragon in its Nest.  
  
Ania: The Dragon's Nest is full of Dragon's poison!  
  
Me: Plus only a Dragoon can defeat a Dragon -- or control one, for that matter.  
  
Wesley: Ania, you scared? Cuz we can always leave you here...  
  
Brenden: NO! I mean, it's not safe...  
  
Ania: I'M NOT SCARED!!! Screw the poison, let's go to the Dragon's Nest!! I'll personally take it out just to SHOW YOU ALL!!!  
  
All: Riiiight...  
  
Brenden: And you guys should also try and help out the Seventh Knighthood. You hafta go through the Marshlands to get to the Dragon's Nest anyways.  
  
Wesley: Sounds like a plan. You comin with, Tina?  
  
Me: Hello? Didn't I just say that only a Dragoon can defeat a Dragon?  
  
Wesley: You coulda just said yes...  
  
(So the quartet headed to the exit of Hoax while Brenden walked back to his headquarters [without a limp...how suspicious]. As they are leaving they eavesdrop on a conversation between two random knights)  
  
Random Knight A: Did you see the battle between Wesley and the Giganto?  
  
Melvin: And Sir Melvin!!! I fought too!!!  
  
Random Knight B: Yeah!! And then that Tina girl came swooping in!  
  
Random Knight A: And then Wesley had that weird armor on and wings, and he saved the town from Leroy!!  
  
Random Knight B: He's our messiah!!  
  
Me: Psh. He passes out from being unable to handle his power and now he's a messiah?! I get no respect...  
  
Melvin: I feel ya.  
  
Wesley: Haters. You guys are just jealous...  
  
Me: Look out, don't trip over that big head of yours Wesley.  
  
Ania: It's just not fair.... 


	7. Chapter 6: The Voices in Her Head

Author's Note: Aerena, your so sweet your my favorite author now :D  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD...I'm getting a little tired of writing that ya kno...  
  
Chapter 6: The Voices in Her Head  
  
(In the game, it's optional to fight the Sandorans in the Seventh Fort. But it gives you more experience and you finally get to use Whip-Smack [Rose/my first addition] for the first time!! Yes!! Anyways, instead of going straight towards the Dragon we made a detour right to help out our fellow knights. It was one battle after another -- a Basil soldier would be killed then we would battle the Sandoran who killed him after reciting corny lines.)  
  
Sandoran Soldier: I will not let you pass!  
  
Wesley *choose* Make my day! Or Shall we retreat?  
  
(Of course, we defeated every single one of them with ease. Then you retrieve a couple of items or gold [Gs] and go inside the fort and mourn the green, dead bodies and retrieve a Stardust. Now off to defeat the Dragon!!)  
  
Wesley: Wait a minute -- this isn't the Dragon's Nest.  
  
Melvin: Yeah! This is the Volcano Villude...Brenden didn't say anything bout a Volcano Villude!  
  
(Oops, did I forget to mention that you hafta go thru the Volcano Villude before you can get to the Dragon's Nest?)  
  
All: Yes.  
  
(My bad)  
  
(Off in the distance, we see a huge flying creature with fire for feathers shrieking and flying towards us)  
  
Me: Firebird.  
  
Ania: What a boring name.  
  
Me: And you coulda done better?!  
  
Wesley: Are we gunna hafta fight that thing?!  
  
Me: I dunno why you're so worried -- you are the Fire element, which means all fire magic attacks do less damage on you then a normal attack.  
  
Wesley: Sweeet...  
  
Melvin: Well, I'm still worried -- are we gunna hafta fight that thing?!  
  
Me: Depends on him *points to Firebird*  
  
Melvin: That's reassuring.  
  
Firebird: *crys out and trys to dive-bomb us, turning the whole screen red*  
  
Wesley: He spotted us!! Run!!  
  
(And so we run. After a while, Firebird lost interest in us and we began to explore and find a way out of the Volcano Villude. Again we fought countless minor enemies, mostly of the fire element. Then came a...)  
  
All: SAVE POINT!!  
  
Wesley: Dammit, that means we hafta fight a boss next!!  
  
Me: So you ARE catching on....  
  
Wesley: I'm not as dense as you all think  
  
All: Riiight....  
  
(So after the Save Point, we came to a pool of magma with rocks protuding from it. We hopped from rock to rock, trying to avoid the fishes jumping from the fire lake. We finally came to the last rock and suddenly Ania felt funny...)  
  
Wesley: What's wrong, Ania?  
  
Ania: Somethings....calling me....I-I have to go...*runs off in the opposite direction*  
  
Wesley: Ania wait!  
  
Melvin: She's hearing voices?  
  
(The rest of us follow her, with me in the rear, to a clearing where a white statue was lying motionless in the pool of magma. It didn't look like anything a Human could ever make, but the good thing is that it looked dead. At least for now)  
  
Wesley: This is what was calling you?  
  
Melvin: I knew it! I knew it from the beginning! You ARE crazy!!  
  
Ania: I AM NOT CRAZY!! Would you stop it already, Melvin?!  
  
Melvin: Well, look at that thing!! We don't even know what it is and its already talking to you, and no one else but you. See. That proves that you're crazy.  
  
Ania: Melvin, if you don't shut up I swear --  
  
Me: Good lord....it's a Virage....  
  
Melvin: It's a WHAT?!  
  
Me: Ania, you know about these?  
  
Ania: And you do?!  
  
Me: Yeah, it's a Virage.  
  
Ania: That doesn't tell us a thing.  
  
Me: Ugh...remember the Dragon Campaign? Well, after Humans started using Dragoons to fight, Winglies used these -- Virages -- to fight with them. They were the Winglies' trump card in the war. You can tell this one was a causalty of the Dragon Campaign and it looks to me like it's been sleeping for 11,000 years.  
  
Ania: But it was talking to me...does that mean it's gunna wake up.  
  
Me: Hopefully not, those things are vicious! Or, *cough* so I've heard.  
  
Wesley: Tina, how do you know all this stuff?  
  
Me: I'm just smart. :D  
  
(Suddenly, the fingers of the Virage begin to move and the ground begins to shake)  
  
Ania: *holds her head in her hands* It's -- it's waking up!! We gotta run!!  
  
Wesley: I don't think we can!!  
  
Ania: But-but it wants to kill us!!  
  
Me: Then we'll just hafta kill it first...  
  
(Screen dissolves and now me, Wesley, and Melvin are about to battle a Virage with no legs and one and one-half arms. *GAME TIP* You can either attack the Virage's head, arm, or body [you can't attack the legs even if it had any. These are the only Virage parts you can attack]. Don't bother with attacking the body then the arm then the head. If you kill the head, you kill the entire Virage. This works with all Virages you battle. So the battle goes as so)  
  
Me: Whip Smack!!  
  
Wesley: Volcano!!  
  
Melvin: Spinning Cane!!  
  
Virage: *funky magic attack* or *smacks one of us with his one hand*  
  
(This is probably the easiest Virage, so we killed it fairly quickly.)  
  
Wesley: *end of battle Dart move* TA! *Pushes Virage off the cliff and it drowns in the fire lake*  
  
Melvin: O...k....why did that just happen?  
  
Me: I dunno! I mean, all the Virages shoulda been dead for 11,000 years ago! I can't believe they're still alive!  
  
Melvin: Can't you say the same for Dragoons?  
  
Me: What?  
  
Melvin: Hey, I didn't always not pay attention to Minister Vicente's history lessons.  
  
Wesley: Well, it's still not normal -- Ania hearing voices and Virages waking up from the dead after 11,000 years.  
  
Me: I can't explain Ania's insanity --  
  
Ania: I'm not crazy.  
  
Me: You keep telling yourself that. Maybe the Virage woke up because of their hatred towards Dragoons. Or it could be because of Ania.  
  
All: *looks at Ania making her feel uncomfortable*  
  
Ania: Can we just move on?  
  
(And so we did but just as soon as we went the other way, we had to fight Firebird. His attacks look pretty cool and they weren't that damaging to us -- well, Wesley at least. But we still beat him -- and between the Virage and Firebird, our items were almost depleted. Good thing we heard someone scream -- )  
  
???: HEEELLPP!!!  
  
All: Who the censored?  
  
???: Hey!! Yeah I see you!! You motha censored better get yo asses over here and help me before I let go of this censored cliff and die!!  
  
(We ran over and helped the black person dangling off the cliff by her red shirt and baggy Hammer-like purple pants. Of course, this isn't the goofy Dabas of the video game -- it's our foul-mouth friend Brittany)  
  
Ania: Brittany, wtf do you want?  
  
Brittany: I was trying to get my hands on some rare fire gem here in this craphole but instead I slipped and almost fell to my death. WTF you doing here?  
  
Wesley: We're gunna go and save the country from a Dragon attack!  
  
Brittany: Was I asking you, boy?  
  
Wesley: Uh...no...  
  
Brittany: Then don't censored talk unless you're spoken to!  
  
Me: hehehe...  
  
Brittany: Tina! Wassup dawg *grabs my hand and does the one-handed ghetto hug*  
  
Me: Wassup Brittany...hey, you got anything for us in that bag of yours?  
  
Brittany: Well, I do have this sapphire earring....  
  
Ania: Preeettyy....  
  
Brittany: 1000 Gs!! I'm just playing it's free because you *cough* saved me...yeah that's it  
  
*Acquired Sapphire Earring*  
  
[It would be useful...if it didn't suck so much....]  
  
Me: *sarcasm* Thanks Brittany.  
  
Brittany: Hey can you loan me a dolla?  
  
Me: We're gunna buy stuff from ya anyways, dontcha sell items?  
  
Brittany: Oh, yeah, I knew that....can I still have a dolla?  
  
Me: Brittany you know imma poor white girl  
  
(But we still bought items from her anyways)  
  
Brittany: Hey, when you get to Lohan come by my shop! I sell all this coo antique shit.  
  
(Well, we'll get there eventually, but first we hafta go kick some Dragon butt!!) 


	8. Chapter 7: Dragon Battle!

Disclaimer: I don't own LoD. Too bad.  
  
Chapter 7: Dragon Battle!!!  
  
Me: You see that? Floating in the air?  
  
Wesley: What?  
  
Me: Dragon's poison. Very deadly.  
  
Melvin: No wonder the Sandorans haven't set up a fort here.  
  
Ania: At least it's prettier than the Volcano Villude. *Falls to her knees* Oh!  
  
Wesley: What's wrong?  
  
Ania: I dunno -- I'm having trouble breathing....I hafta go rest *runs into a small clearing*  
  
Wesley: Ania wait!!  
  
(We all ran after her [well, I walked cuz that what Rose does] and we found her resting by a strange plant blocking the rest of the path. Not much poison was in the air in this part of the Nest.)  
  
Wesley: Don't do that! We don't know what to expect and you can't really defend yourself....I mean....yeah....  
  
Ania: It's a good thing that I'm too sick to smack you.  
  
Me: The poison must have affected her. That just gives us more reason to find the Dragon, kill it, and get outta here fast.  
  
Melvin: Just like a woman to get all sick and slow us down...  
  
Me: Excuse me?! I'm a woman too!!  
  
Melvin: Well, you're special...you have a Dragoon thingy and...uneven boots...  
  
Me: *rolls eyes* Whatever. I don't capitalize on a woman's fraility anyways.  
  
Wesley: Don't choke on those big words of yours  
  
Me: You shouldn't be the one to talk.  
  
Ania: You know what I think Tina's right...let's go find and kill this Dragon and get outta here.  
  
Me: Of course I'm right.  
  
Ania: But....I dunno if I can walk very well...I mean, I'm still very weak {hehehe}  
  
Melvin and Me: You got that right....  
  
Wesley: Here I'll give you a piggy back ride.  
  
Me and Melvin: *singing* Wesley and Ania sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N- G.....*rolls on the floor laughing*  
  
[I know this happens in the Marshland when Shana twists her ankle, but I forgot to put in chapter 6 so I'm putting it in here. I decided to torture Wesley and Ania by creating another moment of sexual tension]  
  
(And so the screen goes black so all you see is Wesley walking with Ania on his back. Me and Melvin are still rolling on the floor laughing anyways)  
  
Ania *very Shana-like* I'm such trouble aren't I?  
  
Me and Melvin: *not seen, but still laughing* Yes!!  
  
Ania: Rhetorical question!!  
  
Wesley: No....Ania you're no trouble at all....  
  
Melvin: Liar liar pants on fire!!!  
  
Wesley: AH! My pants are on fire?!?!?  
  
Ania: *smack* Stupid its an expression. Anyways...I wish I was strong like Tina....  
  
Me: Damn skippy!  
  
Wesley: Well that's not really your fault that's how she wrote the character.  
  
[Damn skippy]  
  
Melvin: Are you too done back there or should we give you another minute? *snigger*  
  
(The screen returns to normal and you can see me and Melvin waiting for the two "lovebirds")  
  
Ania: *hops off his back* I'm fine. *Skips away*  
  
Wesley: All that and for what? Nothing. No respect.  
  
Me: Get over it.  
  
(We walked further through the Dragon's Nest until we came to a large spider-like web. As soon as we tried to walk across it, guess what happened?)  
  
Wesley: Wow!  
  
(That's right. We fell. Right into a underground cave with...)  
  
All: WATER!!  
  
(The only part of the Dragon's Nest that hadn't been affected by the poison and it also healed us. Score!)  
  
Wesley: So now what do we do? I don't think we can get back up.  
  
Me: Why do we need to?  
  
All: *hears the roar of the Dragon*  
  
Me: Apparently, what we are looking for is right down here.  
  
Melvin: Good deal.  
  
(We maneuvered our way up the cave after discovering that you hafta touch a little black plant so that another strange plant will wilt and open up another path. We also received some free items and Gs and once we hit the save point, we knew that the Dragon was just up ahead....)  
  
(...so we came to the top-most portion of the underground cave and found not the Dragon, but a man)  
  
???: Melvin, so nice of you and your friends to join me.  
  
Melvin: I know that voice....it's the voice of Mitch the Bitch, the guy who killed my father!!  
  
All: What?  
  
Melvin: Oops, I forgot to tell ya in Bale: my father was the Head of the First Knighthood and his best friend (he was just Mitch back then) was the Head of the Second Knighthood and when the war started he killed my father and defected to the Sandorans!! I've been wanting to kill him for 20 years now!!  
  
Me and Ania: Psh. Men.  
  
Mitch the Bitch: Well look at you Melvin -- all grown up and looking for a fight. Are those the words of a patriotic knight, or the words of a vengeful son?  
  
Melvin: Both!!  
  
MtB[too lazy to write it all]: Well now you have the chance to avenge your father, Melvin. But first let's see if you can overcome my newly obtained power!  
  
(And so, Mitch the Bitch turns into the Jade Dragoon)  
  
All cept me: !?  
  
Me: I told ya only a Dragoon could control a Dragon  
  
MtB: You like it? The power of the Dragon, given to me by Joel, courtesy of the reborn Emperor Diaz.  
  
Me: Stupid. Emperor Diaz died 11,000 years ago, as a hero of the Dragon Campaign.  
  
MtB: I don't care if you believe me -- I'm here to fight. Ferybrand!  
  
(Enter the giant praying-mantis, otherwise known as Ferybrand, the Green- Tusked Dragon)  
  
Wesley: I knew it!! That is the same Dragon that attacked me in chapter 1!!  
  
MtB: I see you two have met...  
  
Wesley: That Dragon and me got a score to settle....  
  
[That Dragon and I...]  
  
Wesley: Shut up you wrote this.  
  
[X-p]  
  
Melvin: Are we gunna talk or we gunna fight?!  
  
(Alright alright, the screen dissolves and we start the battle. *GAME TIP* Attack the Dragoon first. And we did. Mitch's attacks aren't that cool looking after you've played the game a couple thousand times but whatever, I can't do anything bout it. And after many attacks, we defeated Mitch)  
  
MtB: Argh! I have a huge gash. Take care of them, Ferybrand!  
  
(So Mitch disappears from sight and our attacks turn now to Ferybrand. He's the easiest Dragon and all he really does is smack you and shoot stunning, poisoning, and fearful gel out of his butt at you.)  
  
All: Gross.  
  
(Once Ferybrand was defeated, the battle ended and after we tally up the experience points, items, and gold, we now see Mitch laying on the ground, in full Dragoon armor, dying)  
  
MtB: Melvin, you have become strong, just like your father...  
  
Melvin: Why didcha do it? You were his best friend!  
  
MtB: I realized I could never be as strong as your father...even with this Dragoon Spirit...  
  
Melvin: That's not a very good answer  
  
MtB: Look, I'm dying!! I'm not going to explain everything to you, especially since you killed me!! Sorry...well....take care of yourself Melvin...*dies*  
  
All: *bow heads out of respect*  
  
Wesley: So how does it feel? Now that you've killed the man who killed your dad?  
  
Melvin: Ya know, I don't feel any different... I don't feel that I solved anything...  
  
(His thoughts were interrupted by Mitch's Dragoon Spirit leaving his body and floating over to Melvin.)  
  
Melvin: What's this...? *takes Spirit and it begins to glow bright green*  
  
Wesley: It seems like you've been chosen to be the next Jade Dragoon.  
  
Melvin: Sweeet!!  
  
Ania: It's not fair....  
  
Me: "When Dragoons come and go, time does slow"  
  
All: ???  
  
Wesley: That was the most random thing I've ever heard.  
  
Me: Yeah, well, it's a direct quote from the game. It doesn't make sense to me either...  
  
Ania: Can we just get out of this forest cuz ya kno, I'm feeling a little...dizzy....*faints*  
  
Wesley: *catches her* Ania!  
  
Me: She must have gotten too much exposure to the poison. We need to get her to a hospital now.  
  
[Exposure....]  
  
Melvin: Then let's go back to Bale.  
  
Wesley: That's too far!  
  
Melvin: Can't we fly there? We ARE Dragoons  
  
Me: That being so, what makes you think Bale isn't already under attack? We need to get to a neutral town -- if my memory is correct, then the merchant town of Lohan is just up this wall and a few miles ahead.  
  
Wesley: Sounds good to me, let's go!  
  
(We hastily climbed up and out of the cave and into the town of Lohan. And so the chapter ends with our party racing to the local hospital, lead by Wesley with Ania in his arms) 


	9. Chapter 8: The Shrine of Kimberly

Author's Note: Portions of this story is being written with the help of my little sister, author name BabyBlue. Read her stuff!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD and I probably never will  
  
Chapter 8: The Shrine of Kimberly  
  
(Ania lay sleeping on the hospital bed with Wesley and Melvin standing around, biting their nails and generally being nervous. I, being the stoic that Rose is, causally leaned against one of the buttresses, armed crossed, while an old man paced in front of me. His posture was slouched and he wore a green dress)  
  
Santor: Robe. It's a robe.  
  
Wesley: So what's the prognosis?  
  
Santor: Not good. Dragon poisoning is a very tricky ailment -- her body isn't poisoned, it's more like her spirit. It's like...she doesn't have the will to go on living...  
  
Wesley: Well can't you just give her a pep talk or something?  
  
Santor: It's not that easy son....plus Dragons were supposed to be extinct for thousands of years, so there's not a whole lot in the medical books about how to treat or cure Dragon poisoning.  
  
Melvin: So is it completely hopeless?  
  
Santor: Maybe....but, there is ONE way...  
  
(He disappears into the back room and emerges, feverishly flipping through the pages of a thick, dusty book.)  
  
Santor: Here it is! "Dragoni Plant: rare, medicinal plant with many strange properties, the most prominent one being it can cure any type of poisoning -- including Dragon poisoning!!"  
  
Wesley: You serious?!  
  
Santor: Yes, look, here's a picture of it!  
  
All: *study picture*  
  
Santor: But the only catch is that it's so extremely rare that no one has ever located it, let alone use it.  
  
Me: I have traveled Endiness for a looong time and I've never seen a plant like that  
  
Melvin: Is it just me, or does that look a little like weed?  
  
[Whenever I play the game and they mention Dragoni Plant, a picture of weed appears in my mind. Am I the only one who does that?! I dunno, it might just be that my mind needs to think of more wholesome things...hehe...]  
  
Wesley: Do you know of anyone who would know the location of the Dragoni Plant?  
  
Santor: Not personally, but people from all over the continent come to Lohan so you might find someone on the streets who knows something.  
  
Wesley: *tears out page with the Dragoni Plant on it from the book*  
  
Santor: Hey!  
  
Wesley: Sorry, but I'm gunna need this if we wanna find someone who knows about the Dragoni Plant. Can you do anything else for Ania while we're gone?  
  
Santor: I'm sure I have a few remedies that'll sustain her. I AM the best doctor in Endiness!  
  
All other doctors: Stupid quack  
  
Santor: But they'll only keep her alive for about a week so you'd better hurry  
  
[I slightly distorted the above scene to fit my preferences. I'm allowed to, I'm the Almighty Author!!]  
  
(Lohan can be confusing and hard to maneuver through [BabyBlue doesn't much like this town] and we didn't have much luck finding anyone who knew of the Dragoni Plant, even with the picture. We finally came to a weird looking shop and discovered the owner standing behind the counter wearing a red shirt and purple Hammer-like pants)  
  
Brittany: Can I help you....hey, sup!!  
  
Me: Sup Brittany...so this is your shop....  
  
Brittany: Yup yup this is my shop, I got antique shit over here and priceless shit over there and over there, I got a suit of armor I dunno why....  
  
Wesley: You sell herbs?  
  
Brittany: Well, it depends on the type of "herb" your looking for....  
  
Wesley: You got this?! Dragoni Plant?! *Shows her the picture*  
  
Brittany: *studys picture* That looks like some weed to me...  
  
Melvin: See! I'm not the only one!  
  
Me: Do you sell this, Brittany?! And I'm not talking bout your "business ventures" in the real world, I mean in the game!  
  
Brittany: Well, I don't sell Dragoni Plant and I don't sell weed either!  
  
Me: Riiight...  
  
Brittany: But ya know, I heard rumors that Dragoni Plant grows in the Shrine of Kimberly, past the Dragon's Nest.  
  
Melvin: We were just there, there was no shrine near the Dragon's Nest.  
  
Brittany: Didn't you see a strange plant blocking a path in the Nest?  
  
Wesley and Melvin: ...  
  
Me: Stupid! Remember when Ania ran off to rest?! We saw a weird plant, isn't that what you're talkin bout Brittany?  
  
Brittany: I guess. Well you hafta get past the plant to get to the Shrine.  
  
Wesley: Do you know how to get past the plant? I mean, we don't hafta fight it, do we....?  
  
Brittany: Why would you hafta fight a censored plant?  
  
Wesley: I dunno, we fight almost everything else!!  
  
All: *thinking how to get past the plant*  
  
Melvin: The water!! In the underground cave!!  
  
Wesley: How would that help?  
  
Melvin: I dunno...it's all that I can think of...  
  
Wesley: Well it's probably the best we got! We don't got much time to sit around and do nothing!  
  
Me: Yeah, and if all else fails we can always walk around it....  
  
All: Riiight...  
  
All cept Brittany: *exits*  
  
Brittany: Hey, what about shopping!?!?  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Even as we are walking out of the town, some pesky vendor hasta milk one last deal outta us. Geez.)  
  
Street Vendor: Come buy my wares!! Hey, you, with the sword! Yes, you! You look like a man with good taste and a flare for saving! Come buy my wares!!  
  
Wesley: I guess we hafta buy a container to hold the water, dont we?  
  
Street Vendor: Yes, that's my good man! Now, what would you like to buy?  
  
Wesley: A water...holder....thingy....  
  
Street Vendor: Aha! I have just the thing! *Shows us a water container* The Water Holder Thingy 2000!! Only 10,000,000 Gs!  
  
Wesley: You crazy?! That's waaaay too much!  
  
Street Vendor: Hahaha, I kid, I kid. Seriously, I'll give it to you for 100 Gs  
  
Melvin: For a cup?! I can friggin use my shoe as a container for free!! That's still too much.  
  
Street Vendor: Fine, how bout.....50 G?  
  
Wesley: Can't you do better than that?  
  
Street Vendor: 20 G?  
  
Wesley: Tina, can't you use your femine wiles to seduce him into giving us a better deal?  
  
Melvin: Yeah Tina, flash him or something.  
  
Me: Do I look like the kind of girl who would do that?  
  
Wesley: Truthfully...  
  
Me: Don't answer that.  
  
Street Vendor: Does that mean we have a deal?  
  
Wesley: No! Can't you give me a discount, please?! A girl is dying and she needs this...Water Holder Thingy 2000...  
  
Street Vendor: Well now that I know that....10 G  
  
All: *crosses arms and stare at the Vendor*  
  
Street Vendor: Fine!! Take it, take it I'm already giving it away!!  
  
*Acquired Water Holder Thingy 2000*  
  
Dragoons: *run out of the town before the Vendor changes his mind*  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(We went back to the Dragon's Nest and got the water from the spring in the underground cave and threw it onto the plant blocking the path. Whadda kno! It worked. The plant wilted and we were free to travel the road to the Shrine. We entered the Shrine and immediately opened the first chest we found -- but it didn't give us gold or items, it told us to "Go away!" or something rude like that. All the chests in the Shrine did the same, and it got a little annoying. We then came to a tunnel and above the tunnel was the picture of a white Dragon.)  
  
Melvin: Oh no, we're not gunna hafta fight another Dragon are we?!  
  
(Suddenly the Dragon picture began to glow white and our Dragoon Spirits began to glow as well)  
  
Wesley: Maybe we hafta fight a Dragoon!  
  
Me: It's the glow of the White Silver Dragoon, the healer.  
  
Melvin and Wesley: ?? How do you know?!  
  
Me: I know everything  
  
(The glow stopped and so did the glow of the rest of our Spirits)  
  
Wesley: You know, I feel...refreshed....  
  
Me: That's what the White Silver Dragoon does...heal you....  
  
Melvin: I wonder what the healer has instore for us  
  
Me: I guess we'll find out soon enough...  
  
(We wandered some more, opening rude chests and reading funny signs [the translation is soo worth it] and occasionally fighting a gargoyle or living statue here and there. We then came to a wheel with numbers on it.)  
  
Melvin: It looks like an appartatus with a numerical lock.  
  
Me: Don't choke on those big words of yours...  
  
Wesley: There are three places for numbers with the numbers one through five. Should we try and see what it does?  
  
Me: Whatever.  
  
(We tried putting in random numbers but we couldn't seem to get the combination right. So we gave up and continued our search. We then came to the top of some stairs and another chest lay waiting for us to open it.)  
  
Me: I dunno why you even bother, you know there's nothing in there.  
  
Wesley: They're still kinda amusing. *Opens chest*  
  
Chest: Bye bye!  
  
Wesley: What does that....WHOA!  
  
(The floor beneath our feet collasped and the three of us landed in a cart on a track. If you've ever seen any movies in which someone is being chased on a train track and they travel in those little carts [like in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom] then that's what we landed in. The cart slowly moved across the track and after about five seconds it started picking up speed.)  
  
Melvin: Ow, Wesley! Get you big, stinking foot out from under my ass!  
  
Wesley: That's not my foot....  
  
Me and Melvin: ...!?  
  
(We then discovered half of the track was missing, and we were approaching the dead end at high speeds!!!)  
  
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!*covers eyes*  
  
(But luckily, like in all movies that use similar tactics, we made the jump over the gap and onto the other half of the track. We all let out a collective sigh of relief)  
  
All: Whew!  
  
(Then we heard)  
  
"3"  
  
All: ??  
  
"5"  
  
Wesley: What is that?!  
  
(We turned on the final curve and heard)  
  
"2"  
  
(Then the track ended again, but this time there was no other half of the track -- only the water below. The front wheels of the cart hit a speed bump on the track, dumping us out into the lake. The three of us plunged into the icy waters near the entrance of the Shrine)  
  
All: !!  
  
Me: WHOA! Now that was a ride!!  
  
Wesley: *gets out of the water and shakes his head dry like a dog*  
  
Melvin: WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!  
  
Me: *getting out of the water* Stupid this is armor not cotton.  
  
Melvin: Dammit!!  
  
Wesley: I wonder what those numbers were for?  
  
Me: *ringing out hair* It's obvious -- to use for the lock on the other side of the Shrine.  
  
(By FanFic Magic, our bodies dryed in an instant and we continued back to the lock and tried the numbers. Of course they worked and a ladder, which was previously blocking the entrance to something, came down. We could now climb up it and hopefully to where the Dragoni Plant was. Instead, we came to yet another staircase which was guarded by two golden statues in the shape of eagles.)  
  
Wesley: This has gotta be where the Dragoni Plant is. C'mon!  
  
(He ran up the stairs, but just as he came to the last one, the stairs all folded under turning the stairs into a almost completely vertical ramp. Wesley only had one way out and that way was sliding down the ramp -- well, more like tumbling. He isn't the most graceful guy I know.)  
  
Wesley: *lands at Melvin's and my feet, flat on his back* Ow.  
  
Me and Melvin: *laughing so hard we're crying*  
  
Wesley: A little help would be appreciated.  
  
Me: *wiping tears away, still laughing* Oh, sorry Wesley...I-I think you hafta rotate the statues a certain way so that the stairs won't...won't...do THAT!!*laughter overcomes me*  
  
Wesley: You coulda told me that before I ran up there only to hurt myself!!  
  
Melvin: *laughing*Don't forget humiliate  
  
Me: Well, you just looked so determined I didn't wanna ruin your fun....h- here Melvin, turn that statue so that the face is to the far right.  
  
(And so he did, while I turned the other statue to the left)  
  
Me: Okay Wesley, go run up and see if it works.  
  
Wesley: Why me!?  
  
Me: Because I'm the brains of this operation and I hafta tell Melvin, the brawn, how to turn the statues.  
  
Wesley: You just wanna watch me fall again, dontcha?  
  
Me: Of course not! {Hehehe...}  
  
(Watching Wesley tumble down the ramp was still funny the second and third time, but by the fourth time it got a little old so we finally figured out the right combo -- forward and left. This time, Wesley made it to the top step without sliding down so Melvin and I followed him into the courtyard of the Shrine of Kimberly.)  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Melvin: I don't see any Dragoni Plant...or weed either....  
  
Wesley: It's gotta be in there!  
  
(We woulda gone in to see if Wesley's hypothesis was correct, but we were stopped by a tall teenager with brown hair, wearing a wizard-like black hat, black pants and a purple vest. He wielded small, kung-fu type knives)  
  
Pilchman the Bandit: How dare you, interlopers!!  
  
Wesley: Who are you?  
  
Pilchman: I am Pilchman the Bandit, guardian of this Shrine and its treasure from thieves such as yourselves!!  
  
[Pilchman is a close friend of mine, but due to the video game setting, he doesn't know who I am. He probably wouldn't recognize me in real life either I haven't seen him since eighth grade]  
  
Wesley: Treasure? We don't want treasure, we want the Dragoni Plant!  
  
Melvin: Although treasure might be nice...oops, did I say that aloud?  
  
Me: We don't have time for this! *Draws sword* Pilchman, move outta the way so we can get the Dragoni Plant.  
  
Pilchman: Aha! So you reveal your true nature -- as plunderers!!!  
  
Wesley: Nice going Tina  
  
Me: And your Mr Perfect?  
  
Pilchman: Come! If you seek the treasure you must get past me first!!  
  
(Again, another battle. Pilchman isn't that hard to beat -- just annoying. He fires his little arrows at you, then whips out some bombs that slowly inch towards you and if you don't destroy them in three or so turns then they blow up at you. And they kinda hurt. So what I like to do is use an item that attacks all or turn Melvin into a Dragoon and use Wing Blaster or, if Wesley or I'm at Dragoon level 2, then use Explosion or Death Dimension [respectively]. Killing two birds with one stone, ya know? [Or three or four] Then after he uses the bombs twice or something, he uses a web to protect him, so you must "kill" the web before you can attack him. Then he heals himself!! See, annoying. But he only heals himself so that he's in yellow so he's still not that hard to beat. After a little frustration and cursing at Pilchman, we finally defeat him.)  
  
(Pilchman lay on the ground, breathing heavily. Before we are about to finish him off, a flash of white light appears and then the ghost of a beautiful brunette [I know, Shirley's a redhead in the game but I'm the Almighty Author I can do what I want] clothed in a white dress and white cape, both with blue and gold stitching. Her translucent body floated above her protector.)  
  
Kimberly: Who disturbs my peaceful rest? *Gasp* Pilchman!  
  
Me: Kimberly, is that you?! You remember me, Tina?  
  
[Kimberly has been my best friend since preschool but now we go to separate high schools *sniff sniff*]  
  
(Kimberly floated around me, examining me to be sure that I told the truth)  
  
Kimberly: Tina! It is you!! Oh, I wish I could give you a big hug, but you know I'm kinda dead....  
  
Wesley and Melvin: DEAD!?  
  
Me: Yeah, life's a bitch ain't it?  
  
Kimberly: Yeah...hey, at least I'm skinny! Anyways...how have you been? I see you are still on your sad journey...  
  
Me: Yes....but why are you still here? Shouldn't you be with the others?  
  
Kimberly: I knew that I had unfinished business here, and your arrival proved that...why did you come to my resting place? You didn't just come to kill my bandit did you?  
  
Me: No, no...we are looking for Dragoni Plant.  
  
Kimberly: Oh you mean that marijuana-look-alike?  
  
Melvin: I knew it!!!  
  
Wesley: Yes, yes! Do you have it?! It's crucial that we have some or else our friend will die of Dragon's poisoning!!  
  
Kimberly: Ah, Dragons....they are still clinging to life...sadly I have no Dragoni Plant because it doesn't exist.  
  
All: !? Then what will happen to Ania!?  
  
Kimberly: There is one way....my Dragoon Spirit, the Spirit of the White Silver Dragoon. But first you three must prove that your hearts are pure or else the girl's fate is to die....  
  
(The screen dissolved and we stood like we would for a normal battle. *GAME TIP* Don't attack Shirley/Kimberly, or any of the people she turns into. Just guard. You can only win the battle once you answered the correct questions. I don't quite remember what the questions and responses are so I'm just going with what I feel like)  
  
Kimberly: Wesley, reveal your heart to me...*transforms into Ania, in battle stance* Wesley, why did you leave me!?  
  
[To pursue the Black Monster OR It's none of your business ?]  
  
Wesley: To pursue the Black Monster.  
  
Kimberly/Ania: The Black Monster!?  
  
All: *Guard* [I know the temptation can be great to attack Shana/Ania, but don't. Guarding is good]  
  
Kimberly/Ania: Wesley, once this journey is over, what are you going to do? Will you choose to to continue to search for the Black Monster, or go back to Seles with me?  
  
[Ania OR Black Monster ?]  
  
Wesley: Ania.  
  
Kimberly: *turns back into herself* Wesley, you have chosen someone close to you, rather than revenge. A pure heart doesn't dwell on past vices. [Or something like that] Now Melvin, reveal your heart to me! *Transforms into Boberto, in battle stance*  
  
All: *Guard*  
  
Kimberly/Boberto: *in THE STANCE! [Lance pointing angrily, legs spread, hip popped]* Melvin, why aren't you back in Bale protecting the country?! Come home right away and forget about Ania!  
  
[But Ania needs me OR Yes sir]  
  
Melvin: {tempting...but} Ania needs me!  
  
Kimberly/Boberto: Are you defying orders!?  
  
All: *Guard*  
  
Kimberly/Boberto: How can you give up the lives of thousands of Serdians for one girl!? Melvin, come back to Bale right now or else you will lose your job!!  
  
[This isn't like you! OR Yes Your Majesty]  
  
Melvin: This isn't like you!  
  
Kimberly: *turns into herself* A pure heart understands that sometimes the life of one is just as important as the lives of many. Now, Wesley and Melvin: why do you fight?  
  
[For honor and glory OR to protect those we love]  
  
Wesley and Melvin: To protect those we love  
  
Kimberly: Yes, a true warrior is one who fights not for himself but for others. And finally, Tina: what does life mean to you?  
  
[Nothing but sacrifice OR I haven't really thought of it before]  
  
Me: [don't take my word on this one I don't remember] Nothing but sacrifice  
  
Kimberly: Tina, I foresee a happy ending to your long journey. You all have proven your worth. You may take the Dragoon Spirit.  
  
All: *victory dance*  
  
(No experience, no items, no gold. But you do get this)  
  
*Aquired White Silver Dragoon Spirit*  
  
Kimberly: I wish you three well on your journey...but before you go, could you heal Pilchman for me? He has protected me from many attempted robberies and since I don't have a body, I can't draw from the Spirit's power.  
  
Wesley: But I'm not the White Silver Dragoon, and neither is Tina or Melvin so we can't use it either.  
  
Kimberly: Hold it up with your Spirit over Pilchman.  
  
(And so he did, and the combined powers resurrected Pilchman the Bandit)  
  
Pilchman: ....? Huh? I'm alive!  
  
Wesley: Thanks again, Kimberly  
  
Kimberly: My pleasure...and Tina, I can't wait until our paths cross again  
  
Me: I hope you're right.  
  
(Kimberly then disappeared in a golden light)  
  
Pilchman: Kimberly!? Kimberly, where did you go!?  
  
Wesley: Yeah, where did she go?  
  
Me: She went to where she belongs...  
  
(The boys shrugged it off and headed back to Lohan -- not before taking advantage of Pilchman's frenzied search for Kimberly so that we could swipe the treaure: a buncha chests full of 20, 50, and 100 Gs and a weapon for me. So we left the Shrine of Kimberly a little richer and with a Dragoon Spirit, hopefully the key to Ania's survival!)  
  
Next chapter Preview: Really long, huh? Yeah, mostly talk too but the next chapter has one of my favorite parts of the disk -- the Hero Competiton!! And a new member will join the party, we'll meet a new advesary, and someone close will be *gasp* captured!!! Stay tuned!! 


	10. Chapter 9: The Almost a Hero Competition

Author's Note: This is the chapter where personalities REALLY get exaggerated. Since Lent is over, I can now officially curse again. Prepare your virgin ears....  
  
Disclaimer: Yes you guessed it...I don't own LoD  
  
Chapter 9: The (Almost a) Hero Competition  
  
(We came tearing into Santor's office, where Ania still lay breathing heavily.)  
  
Wesley: Dr Santor!! We found it..*huff huff* we found it....  
  
Santor: You found the Dragoni Plant!?  
  
Wesley: No, but this is better!  
  
(He set the Dragoon Spirit on Ania's stomach and then started to look for his Spirit, so that the two combined powers could heal her; however, as he was doing so, the Spirit on Ania's stomach began to glow....)  
  
All: !?  
  
Melvin: You mean...SHE'S a Dragoon too!?  
  
Me: {This is either one BIG coincedence, or fate is bringing us together again....}  
  
Ania: *sitting up* What...what's this...?*Spirit glows brighter, filling the whole room with white light*  
  
Wesley: I guess Ania's the new White Silver Dragoon.  
  
Ania: You mean....I have magic too!? YAY!!!  
  
[Only healing magic tho, you don't have any attacking magic until level 2]  
  
Santor: Can you put that away, you're gunna blind me  
  
Ania: Sorry. *Pockets the Spirit*  
  
Santor: You three risked a lot to save this girl....you know, you guys might be the perfect candidates for the Hero Competition.  
  
All: What's that?  
  
Santor: The strongest men on the continent come to Lohan to compete every year against each other in the battle arena to decide who deserves the title of Strongest Man in the World!!  
  
Melvin: Is there a cash prize in this too?  
  
Santor: No. It's all about the glory.  
  
All: Dammit  
  
Santor: You guys should join anyways  
  
Me: *aside to Wesley, Ania, and Melvin* I think we hafta enter the competition -- ya know, so that we can beat the game and get outta here.  
  
Wesley, Ania, and Melvin: oooookay....  
  
Wesley: Well, I guess we're off, but what do we owe you?  
  
Me: Stupid, we almost got off with free medical service!  
  
Santor: Nothing at all....just witnessing a miracle is all the pay I need  
  
All: *whew*  
  
(We went to the Arena [but after buying a Body and Mind Purifier -- trust me on this one, you're gunna need them] and signed up for the competition with the attendant, a sweet girl named Ginger)  
  
Ginger: Welcome daredevils and adventurers to the Hero Competition! A warning of caution to all cowards, sissies, and those with cold feet: do not enter, for you will NOT survive. Why hello, good citizens of Serdio! How many of you brave young people are going to sign up for the Hero Competition?  
  
Wesley: Of course, I am  
  
Ginger: Name?  
  
Wesley: Wesley, from Seles....c'mon Melvin, you gunna sign up?  
  
Melvin: I can't. I'm a knight of Basil so I'm ineligible to enter competitions such as these.  
  
Wesley: Oh...Tina? How bout you?  
  
Me: As much as I would love to smack these little boys around, I can't. I have a feeling this backwards medievel society would not permit me to enter.  
  
Ania: Psh. Men. Anyways, go on Wesley we'll watch you from the stands.  
  
Melvin: And don't embarass yourself in front of Ania *snigger*  
  
Wesley: Shut up.  
  
Melvin: *whispers to Wesley* And don't use your Dragoon Spirit either, we don't wanna create a big scene  
  
Wesley: OK  
  
Ginger: Okay then Wesley from Seles, just go into the waiting room and prepare for your first battle!  
  
(Wesley desended down the stairs into the waiting room. Once he entered, he discovered a little pre-game spat)  
  
Warrior: You wanna say that again, old man!?  
  
???: Old man...but I'm only sixteen!  
  
Warrior: That's it you've pissed me off for the last time!  
  
(The warrior charged at the "old man," weapon drawn, but the teen gave him a strong punch to the gut, knocking him flat on the ground. My my, aren't these boys restless.)  
  
???: That'll teach you, you little SOB  
  
Wesley: Timoty!  
  
Timoty: Wesley! Wassup man, how goes your journey?  
  
Wesley: Well, I still haven't found the Black Monster...I've been a little side-tracted...how bout you, didcha find your daughter yet?  
  
[True, true Timoty (the same one from the prologue) is only sixteen but because of our current situation we're gunna pretend like he has a grown daughter who ran away twenty years ago and while Timoty searched for her, he met Wesley on his search for the Black Monster]  
  
Timoty: Alas, I haven't found Claire either.  
  
Wesley: That sucks. So, you in the competition too?  
  
Timoty: Yeah I got bored with searching for Claire.  
  
Wesley: Yeah I got my friends up there cheering me on  
  
Timoty: Wesley the lone wolf, with friends?  
  
Wesley: Yeah, I guess...  
  
(I can't think of anymore funny or witty dialogue at the moment, so this is a perfect time for Ginger to enter)  
  
Ginger: Alright, settle down gents! We're bout ready to start the first match!  
  
Timoty: I guess I'll see you in the ring  
  
Wesley: Yup.  
  
(All the other contestants leave the room [including the one that Timoty knocked out] and a different attendant magically appears in the doorway to the arena.)  
  
Attendant: Are you ready for your first match?  
  
Wesley: Yeah, let's get this over with.  
  
Attendant: Your first time, huh? I know it can be a little scary, but don't worry! It's unlikely that someone dies in their first match...hahaha...  
  
Wesley: {What is with this guy?}  
  
Attendant: Geez don't take me so seriously. Good luck now.  
  
(And Wesley's first battle comences vs some guy who's name I don't remember. Oh well)  
  
Other dude: Eat this! *Uses Poison Needle on Wesley*  
  
Wesley: Poison! This is foul play!  
  
Other dude: Hey, winning is winning.  
  
[I told ya you needed the Body Purifier]  
  
(And Wesley attacks, and so does the other dude and it basically continues this pattern until the other dude is in red and he gives up)  
  
Other dude: It cannot be!  
  
Wesley: *victory dance*  
  
(Wesley waves to the cheering crowd and returns to the waiting room with that annoying attendant blocking the doorway once again)  
  
Wesley: No experience, no gold, no items...whadda crock!  
  
Attendant: That was a great victory over [insert name here]!  
  
Wesley: It was nothing...  
  
Attendant: You ready for your next match?  
  
Wesley: Yeah  
  
Attendant: But this guy is tough too! So good luck and be careful!  
  
Wesley: riiiight  
  
(The next guy Wesley faces is clothed in the traditional medievel armor, worn by the knights of feudal western Europe long long ago [think Monty Python and the Holy Grail]. He really wasn't that tough. He really only heals himself. The attendant lies!)  
  
Other dude: Argh! Too powerful!  
  
Wesley: *victory dance*  
  
(Once again, Wesley waves to the crowd and goes back to the waiting room and...grr...that damn attendant)  
  
Attendant: Another great victory! Your skills, your presence! I am becoming one of your biggest fans!  
  
Wesley: Uh...thank you...?  
  
Attendant: Now this next competor is a really big guy [I can't remember his name either], but I'm sure you'll beat him easy.  
  
Wesley: That's how it's been for the past two battles...  
  
(The attendant wasn't lying this time, this next guy was HUGE. And he moved really slow too, it takes like 5 minutes for him to get close enough for him to attack you.)  
  
Wesley: *yawn*  
  
Other dude: *smack*  
  
(Then when he gets to about yellow, then he drops his weapon and defends himself with his hands)  
  
Other dude: Bring it!  
  
(If you attack him when he does this, he hurts you. I think. But guarding is good.)  
  
Wesley: *guard*  
  
(Finally you can attack him and his health goes down to red and Wesley has won the battle)  
  
Other dude: Unbelievable!  
  
Wesley: *victory dance*  
  
(More waving and more of the attendant)  
  
Attendant: Wow! You've gotten yourself into the semi-finals!  
  
Wesley: That's good, right?  
  
Attendant: Of course it is! You're opponent is last year's runner-up Atlow [hey! I actually remember his name!] He may have lost, but he is still a tough competor! A deep breath...  
  
Wesley: *raised eyebrow*  
  
Attendant: ...maybe isn't necessary. Good luck!  
  
Wesley: {Dork}  
  
(So begins the battle vs Atlow, a really tall long-haired archer, kinda like Orlando Bloom as Legolas cept not as sexy)  
  
Wesley: Bow and arrows? I can deal with bow and arrows.  
  
(Atlow prepares to strike, and we see 5 sensor points that he hits on Wesley. First, the face. Then Atlow shouts)  
  
Atlow: Next!  
  
Wesley: What, you wanted me to take a number?  
  
(Second, the chest; third the inner thigh -- )  
  
Wesley: Hey, buddy! Cutting it pretty close there!  
  
(Fourth, the knees -- )  
  
Wesley: Cheap shot.  
  
(And lastly the feet. Sometimes, if you don't kill him off quick enough, he does his special attack where Atlow throws apples or tomatoes or some kind of red fruit in the air, fires 5 arrows at a time that strike all 5 of Wesley's sensor points as well as nailing the fruit. The result -- not only does it do damage but it frightens Wesley)  
  
[Told ya you need the Mind Purifier]  
  
(And so you use it, Wesley attacks some more and Atlow loses)  
  
Atlow: Such power...  
  
Wesley: *victory dance*  
  
(Wave, and back the waiting room)  
  
Wesley: {Where's that damn attendant...?} Timoty!  
  
Timoty: Hey Wesley.  
  
Wesley: Don't go easy on me in the finals now...  
  
Timoty: I..lost  
  
Wesley: What?!  
  
Timoty: Yeah! To a blond swordsman named Jimbo...my god, you shoulda seen him! He was just too fast for me...  
  
Wesley: Jimbo?  
  
Timoty: Speak of the devil...  
  
*Enter the platinum-haired Jimbo, wearing black armor and wielding a long sword*  
  
Wesley: *growl* Jimbo...  
  
Jimbo: *looking in a mirror* What the hell did you do to my hair?! *Notices Wesley* You!  
  
[Uh oh...I sense aminosty]  
  
Jimbo: *smirk, then leaves for the arena*  
  
Wesley: {this'll be great....oh shit}  
  
(Where did he come from!?)  
  
Attendant: OMG....you're in the finals, and you even beat Atlow, last year's runner up! Can I be the father of your children?  
  
Wesley: - _ -; *runs away...very fast*  
  
Attendant: Call me!  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Meanwhile, up in the stands...)  
  
Ania: *yawn* I thought this was supposed to be exciting...  
  
Melvin: Ya, so far Wesley's just been kicking everyone's ass!  
  
Me: That's gotta tell you something bout the amount of talent in this arena...oh shit!  
  
Ania and Melvin: What?  
  
Me: Ania, look at Wesley's opponent!  
  
Ania: Oh shit.  
  
Melvin: What am I missing?  
  
Me: You remember when me and Wesley went out last month? Well, when we were dating, Wesley met Jimbo done there and, well...let's just say I'm the reason they don't like each other very much....  
  
Melvin: What did you do?  
  
Ania: Dumbass! They both liked her at the same time!!  
  
Melvin: Oh....this should be good then...  
  
(Back to the action)  
  
Wesley: You gunna pay, you little bitch!  
  
Jimbo: For what?  
  
Wesley: For trying to steal my girlfriend from me!  
  
Jimbo: She's not your girlfriend anymore....  
  
Wesley: It's...the prinicpal of the matter!  
  
Jimbo: Dumbass, you probably don't even know what that implies  
  
Wesley: I -- don't -- like -- being -- called -- dumb!  
  
[Alright, alright, frankly -- if Wesley and Jimbo saw each other on the streets today, I don't think they would remember each other much less give a damn about what happened last summer. Maybe I just wrote that dialogue to make myself feel loved and wanted ^_^ (plus they don't read this shit)]  
  
(Wesley charges at Jimbo, but Jimbo dodges the blow at unhumanly speeds)  
  
Wesley: What the!?  
  
Jimbo: You missed.  
  
Wesley: No shit, Sherlock!  
  
(Wesley tried and, with great frustration on his part, failed to even make a stratch on Jimbo. He then figured out that guarding was the best way to go, since Jimbo can still attack him -- with a special attack my sister and I like to call *drumroll*)  
  
THE LLOYD SMACKDOWN  
  
All video game characters: You two are freaks.  
  
[Don't upset the Almighty Author and her Almighty Sister]  
  
*Ligthning strikes*  
  
All: Sorry.  
  
(Anyways....)  
  
Wesley: His speed...it's -- it's humanly impossible!!! Crap, that means I lost, doesn't it?  
  
[Yup]  
  
Me, Ania, and Melvin: He lost!?  
  
Ginger: In first place, Jimbo! The Strongest Man in the World! In second place, Wesley! In third place, Timoty!  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Back in the waiting room, me, Ania, and Melvin went to comfort the loser)  
  
Ania: Wesley, that was a well-fought battle  
  
Melvin: No it wasn't, you got your ass beat!!  
  
Me: *punches Melvin* Show a little sensitivity, will ya!?  
  
Melvin: Ow! Sorry.  
  
Wesley: It's okay...o yeah, this is Master Timoty, Head of the Rouge School of Martial Arts. I met him on my journey to pursue the Black Monster, while he was pursing his daughter.  
  
Me, Ania, and Melvin: Master...daughter....?  
  
Timoty: Don't ask.  
  
Wesley: Yeah....o great, just what I need.  
  
Timoty: Is it that attendant? Cuz he scares me...he was hitting on me earlier...  
  
Wesley: Me too, but no.  
  
Jimbo: *smirk* Why, hello Tina. You are looking beautiful today  
  
Me: *blushes*  
  
All other guys: *gag*  
  
Jimbo: I'll be seeing all of you later. *Exits*  
  
Melvin: I wonder what he meant by that...  
  
(Now we are above ground, in the carnival area of the Arena. This is the part where Dart/Wesley and Shana/Ania play stupid games which I can never beat [cept the one where you throw the balls at the monsters, but that's the only one that doesn't give prizes] while the rest sit around and do nothing.)  
  
Me: How boring! C'mon guys, let's go have our own fun.  
  
Melvin and Hashel: Yes ma'am!  
  
*I exit, with a guy on each arm*  
  
Ania: Ho  
  
(Yeah then Lavitz/Melvin talks to Dart/Wesley bout Shana/Ania, and then they promise to have a drink together after the war ends. But I'm not gunna bother with that. Plus this chapter is getting too long as it is...)  
  
(So we say goodbye to Timoty...)  
  
All: Goodbye, Timoty!  
  
[*Smacks forehead* Thanks guys]  
  
All: You're welcome!  
  
(Anyway, we are about to leave this crazy town of Lohan when in staggers a bloody knight, with arrows protuding from his back)  
  
Knight: Sir Melvin!  
  
Melvin: {omg} What happened!?  
  
Knight: Bale...attacked...we, tried to fend them off but...they were too strong....  
  
Melvin: But, we killed the Dragon!  
  
Knight: They...took...King Boberto...to Hellena....*dies*  
  
Melvin: King Boberto!! I'm coming to save you!!  
  
Wesley: Melvin, wait!  
  
(Then, out of nowhere, Timoty flips over Melvin's head, blocks his passageway out of the town, and punches Melvin in the gut, knocking him out.)  
  
Timoty: Tsk, tsk. No pacience.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Back in Santor's office -- same scene as in Chapter 8 cept Melvin and Ania traded places and we added Timoty.)  
  
Santor: I thought I got rid of you all...maybe I shoulda charged you...  
  
Me: Shut up, you quack.  
  
Doctors of Endiness: *cheers*  
  
Melvin: *awakens* ...? Why the hell didcha do that, Timoty?  
  
Timoty: Cuz if the knight goes crazy then his lord cannot be saved.  
  
Melvin: Whatever. We gotta get to Hellena!!  
  
Wesley: Don't you think we know that!?  
  
Ania: *groan* Hellena again!?  
  
Wesley: Yes. And this time it's to save a king and possibly end a war!  
  
Me: Don't be jumping the gun there, tiger.  
  
Wesley: Must you always insult me?  
  
Me: Yes.  
  
Wesley: um...okay...Timoty, are you going to join the rescue party?  
  
Timoty: Sure. This might be good for me, doing something noble and all...  
  
Melvin: Alright! We're gunna go save the king!! Hey, where's my music!?  
  
[Cue Inspirational Self-Discovery Music!]  
  
*Inspirational Self-Discovery Music play*  
  
Wesley: Bastard, that's my music!  
  
Me: Why are we standing here arguing about music?! Damn y'all bigger dumbasses than I thought. *Exits*  
  
All: *shrugs shoulders, then exit*  
  
Santor: Weirdos. 


	11. Chapter 10: Groan Hellena Again!

Author's Note: Sorry this has taken so long to write, school's really been stressing me out...we just finished taking those stupid standardized tests two weeks ago and I finally took the AP world history test (May 12) =yay I survived= But now that all that testing shit is over, I promise I will write more!! And, as many of you have figured out (mostly from the last chapter), I am odd, and most of this story is odd. But where's the fun in being normal? ;-)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD so don't sue me  
  
Chapter 10: *Groan* Hellena Again?!  
  
(Welcome back to Hellena, the Happiest Place on Earth!)  
  
Wesley: But I thought we weren't on earth...  
  
Melvin: Yeah, I thought this was Endiness!  
  
Ania: *smack* Ignore them.  
  
Timoty: I have been for the past few miles....  
  
Me: Alright, y'all can shut up now we're here.  
  
(The draw bridge is down, like the first time you came, but as you approach the entrance, the stupid guard pulls up the bridge [how inconsiderate])  
  
Wesley: Oh no, the drawbridge!  
  
Me: Must you always state the obvious?  
  
Melvin: *jumps onto bridge as it is being pulled up* YAH! [Or some random sound like that]  
  
All: Melvin!  
  
Melvin: *from inside the gates* it's alright, I got it covered!  
  
All: *hears the noise of weapons clashing together and the moans of a dying man, then the bridge rapidly falls to the ground*  
  
Melvin: C'mon!!  
  
All: *runs across the bridge*  
  
Me: Well THAT was subtle!  
  
Melvin: Hey, I got us in, didn't I?  
  
[Now you can't replace Melvin OR Wesley. Damn]  
  
(So you know the drill -- run around aimlessly while being chased by wardens randomly yelling "Who is it?!" and "Bastard!" Except you gotta find a different route to get to where King Boberto is being held. On the way there, you run into the "security is tight" room. The five of us stand in the middle of the room, weapons draw and expecting a fight but again, they ignore us....)  
  
Warden A: *leaning up against a water cooler* So a Minito, a Wingly, and a Giganto walk into a bar, stop me if you've heard this one...  
  
Warden B: Dude, that joke is soooo old! You've told it like twenty times!  
  
Warden C: *sitting around the coffee maker* And she tells me that we "aren't compatible" and that I don't "satisfy her"  
  
Warden D: Ouch, man that's harsh.  
  
Wesley: HELLO?!  
  
All Wardens: *turn to face us*  
  
Warden B: What do you want? Can't you see we're on our break?!  
  
Me: What a joke! I came here for a FIGHT and I get blown off by stupid guards on their COFFEE BREAK!  
  
Warden A: You want a fight? Fine, here! *Presses a button, and the ground below us dissappears*  
  
Dragoons and Timoty: Oh shit. *Falls into an underground cave*  
  
(So as we are recuperating from the fall...)  
  
Ania: Nice going, Tina!  
  
Me: Hey, I don't like to be ignored! *Growls*  
  
Timtoy: Well, does anyone have any ideas on how to get out of here?  
  
All: *blink blink*  
  
Me: You're talking to the wrong crowd, here.  
  
(This is the time where we run around aimlessly [do I sense a pattern?] and try to find a way out of the cave [well actually we have a purpose, so technically we are not running around "aimlessly" -- but it sounds better than "running around with a purpose"])  
  
Wesley: Are you done yet?!  
  
[NO!!....Okay, now I am]  
  
Wesley: *growl*  
  
Ania: Hey! I found something!  
  
Me: You want an award?  
  
Ania: Must you always be so bitter and sarcastic?  
  
Me: Yes. If I'm not, then it upsets the balance of life and the world will come to an end.  
  
All: *blink blink* Riiiiiight  
  
Melvin: So what did you find, Ania?  
  
Ania: There seems to be "air" coming from this "rock"  
  
Wesley: Why are you "making us" use these "quotations?"  
  
[Because I "want to"]  
  
Timoty: What "drugs" is she "on?" CUT THAT OUT!!!  
  
Melvin: It's pointless to argue with the "author."  
  
[HEY! That was of your own free will!]  
  
Melvin: hehehehe  
  
[I resent that]  
  
Me: What were we talking about again?  
  
Wesley: Air from the rock  
  
Me: oh yeah...So, do you want an award?  
  
Ania: NO I DONT!  
  
Me: Okay. That's all you had to say.  
  
Melvin: And why exactly do we care about the air from the rock?  
  
Ania: Because that means there is an OPENING behind the rock, dumbass!!  
  
Me: Hey, that's MY word!  
  
Timoty: The yelling...make it stop!...  
  
(And it did stop...but only because a loud, beastly growl drowned out our arguements)  
  
All: WTF?!  
  
Wesley: Could that be the monster that the wardens feed the POWs to?  
  
Me: DO YOU KNOW OF ANY OTHER MAN-EATING MONSTERS AROUND HERE?!  
  
Melvin: Wesley is being overly obvious and Tina is being overly sarcastic....and the circle of life is complete.....  
  
Timoty: Well, here's that fight you were looking for, Tina.  
  
*Screens dissolves, battle begins*  
  
(This monster is just....a random monster you have to fight. On your first turn, throw a Sachet at the monster [it's in that chest that is in the cave with you -- yeah, somewhere between the air from the rock and the "author" comment...you will pay Melvin....someone picked it up] and the monster will go to sleep. This makes it much easier to beat him cuz then he doesn't attack you. But eventually he wakes up and attacks you....Astrail Drain is goooood.....and then you beat him. *Yippee*)  
  
Wesley: Look! The monster's fall caused the rock to crumble and reveal a staircase outta here!  
  
Me: How convient....  
  
(So we run up the staircase, which leads to a tunnel with more guards. You kill them and proceed thru the tunnel, which takes you back into the break room)  
  
Warden C: *crying* I just thought that....we had something....special....*more crying*  
  
Warden D: *uncomfortably* It's, um, okay....do you, uh, need a tissue? *Hands him a tissue*  
  
Warden C: *sniff* Thanks man! *crying into the tissue*  
  
Warden B: Damn, what a baby.  
  
Warden A: You're back?!  
  
Wesley: Yes, we're back. We killed your beast, so you can go back to your business. We'll be on our way now. *All leave*  
  
Warden A: *blink blink* So ya, the Minito, Wingly, and Giganto....  
  
Warden C: *cries* [Damn, give it a rest!]  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(We now go to our old friend Swaim, pacing around a shirtless Boberto tied to a stake)  
  
Swaim: Hahahaha! You should be thanking me, Boberto! At least I am waiting until sunrise to kill you!  
  
Boberto: Remind me to kick your ass when we get home.  
  
Swaim: You wish, I would knock you down in one punch....argh! Where is the Hooded Man?! He's never around when you need him and always around when you don't....  
  
(Meanwhile, Wesley and the rest of our gang are fast approaching the roof of the prison as the sun slowly peaks up from the horizon)  
  
Swaim: Haha! The sun is coming up! This is what you wanted, right Boberto? To end the war? Well, your death will end the war and you'll get what you want!  
  
Boberto: That's not exactly how I pictured it...  
  
Swaim: Argh! I cannot wait for the guy with silver hair! I just can't wait to kill you!  
  
Boberto: *nervous laughter* C'mon buddy, you really aren't gunna kill me...are you?  
  
(An arrow is shot at Swaim's arm, just as he raises his club to finish Boberto off)  
  
Swaim: wtf?  
  
Wesley: We won't let you!  
  
Swaim: Oh, so it's YOU again *glares at Ania*  
  
Ania: *flips him off*  
  
Timoty: That wasn't nice....  
  
*Screen dissolves, battle begins*  
  
(Okay, this is slightly different from when you fought Swaim before me :-D and Timoty came along. This time, Swaim's got a dog and a bird to fight with him)  
  
Swaim: Rodriguez! Attack!  
  
(And the bird picks up either Wesley, Melvin [you have to use them], or me [or whoever you use] by its claws, flys high into the air and drops them. Ow. After you kill the dog [I forgot its name and attack] and Rodriguez, then you can attack Swaim. Slightly different attacks that do slightly more damage. Okay, okay, we attack him and he dies. For good. But in the distance, we see....)  
  
Melvin: King Boberto!  
  
(The Hooded Man is standing behind Boberto [how did he get there?!], jamming his hand into Boberto's back as Boberto screams in agony)  
  
All: What the ??!!!  
  
(The Hooded Man pulls a small, glowing orb out of Boberto's back and Boberto falls face down onto the ground, appearing unharmed.)  
  
All: How the f*ck did he do that?!?!  
  
Hooded Man: The Moon Gem...just where I thought it would be...  
  
Melvin: Boberto!! *Transforms into the Jade Dragoon and flys toward the Hooded Man*  
  
Wesley: Melvin, wait!  
  
Hooded Man: *draws a flaming sword out from his cloak and stabs Melvin*  
  
[NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]  
  
Me: *gasp* The sword!  
  
Wesley: *runs to Melvin* Melvin!  
  
Melvin: Is....His Majesty.....safe....?  
  
Wesley: Yes  
  
Melvin: I am...relieved.....*dies, and Dragoon Spirit leaves him for Boberto*  
  
Boberto: Thank you, Melvin  
  
(Everyone, except the Hooded Man, stands there stunned. Ania turns, crying into my shoulder and Timoty can't speak....)  
  
Me: *pats Ania's head* {Must....remain....stoic....}  
  
[Here's the really sad part...]  
  
Wesley: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLVVVIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(Let's all take a moment of silence, out of respect for the fallen)  
  
Readers: *silence*  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Okay, so the experience points, gold, and items are all tallied [Melvin gets jack shit -- unfair!] and we now return to what really matters -- revenge...)  
  
Wesley: Alright you bastard! Show your face!  
  
Hooded Man: *takes off his black cloak*  
  
All: *gasp* Jimbo!!  
  
Jimbo: *smirk, then jumps out the window*  
  
All: *blink blink*  
  
Wesley: I knew there was something wrong with that guy....  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Now everyone is back in Seles -- Wesley, Ania, me, Timoty, and Boberto -- and we proceed down into the basement of someone's house. Awkward silence starting.....now)  
  
Timoty: Damn, that sucks.  
  
Ania: What's gunna happen to him? I mean, this is a video game, so Melvin shouldn't die in real life, right?  
  
Me: I never thought of that....and what about Mitch the Bitch? And Swaim? They were our friends in real life too!  
  
Boberto: Maybe...they went back home?  
  
Wesley: Let's not worry bout that now  
  
All: Yeah....*awkward silence continues*  
  
Me: You know, if I woulda know that Jimbo was armed with the Dragon Buster, then I coulda stopped Melvin.  
  
All: The what?  
  
Me: The Dragon Buster -- it's an ancient weapon, used by the Winglies to kill Dragoons and their Dragons during the Dragon Campaign. The blade isn't even metal, it's some kind of magical fire and not even Dragon scale armor can withstand it. Melvin was no match for it.  
  
Ania: And you know about this because....?  
  
Me: I told you. I know everything.  
  
Wesley: And Boberto, what was that thing that Jimbo pulled out of your back?  
  
Boberto: Uh...I'd rather not say right now....  
  
Timoty: You're gunna hafta fess up sooner or later.  
  
Boberto: Alright, fine! It's the Moon Gem. After the Humans defeated the Winglies in the Dragon Campaign, the three countries of Serdio, Tiberoa, and Mille Seseau were created. The Winglies created three artifacts named after the Moon and gave them to each of the rulers of the three countries, sorta like a peace offering. They're supposed to possess great magical power, but we dunno what for. The Moon Gem has been in my royal family for 11,000 years and it's protected by each crown heir (that would be me)  
  
Wesley: But how did Jimbo find out about that?  
  
Boberto: Well, I kinda employed him as my royal advisor...[if you are perseptive, then you might have saw the Hooded Man standing behind Albert's throne in Indels Castle] Hey! Stop looking at me like that, I didn't know he was evil!  
  
Wesley: And what does Jimbo want with the Moon Gem  
  
Ania: Didn't you just hear him? It has great magical power (duh)  
  
Me: Or maybe he wants it because if he possess the Moon Gem, then he is legally intitled to the throne of Serdio.  
  
All: *ponders*  
  
Me: You kno, he's not really like this in real life....  
  
Wesley: Whatever.  
  
Timoty: Well you know what we need to do now....  
  
Wesley: What's that?  
  
Timoty: Duh! We need to go get the Moon Gem back!  
  
Ania: But we don't know who Jimbo is working for  
  
Boberto: I think I do...Swaim was saying how he worked for Jimbo, who worked for Emperor Joel. So we gotta go to the Black Castle in Kazas, and defeat Joel and he'll lead us to Jimbo. That sounds like Joel too, always getting some croonies to do his dirty work for him....  
  
Me: That sounds ambitious, but you can't just walk into the castle of your enemy! We gotta plan a way to sneak in.  
  
Wesley: Well, we'll figure that out once we get to Kazas! Boberto, are you gunna join us?  
  
Boberto: Duh! I received Melvin's Dragoon Spirit, didn't I?  
  
Me: Maybe you should stop asking questions, Wesley  
  
Wesley: *growl* Fine. Let's just go  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(We now clip to the Black Castle, where a tall teenager wearing purple armor sits causally in a throne. A silver-haired guy stands in front of the throne)  
  
Joel: So letting the girl escape...that was apart of your plan all along, wasn't it?  
  
Jimbo: Yup. And now I got what I need *flashes Moon Gem* so I'll be on my way.  
  
Joel: You're still not gunna tell me what your grand plan is?  
  
Jimbo: You don't need to know. You just focus on that little war of yours. *Starts to walk away* Oh yeah, one more thing -- don't get burned in a red flame.  
  
Joel: What the hell is that supposed to mean?! Hey! Don't walk away from me while I'm talking to you, you little bitch! *Growl* Hey, I think he still owes me money...  
  
Second Author's Note: Sorry I had to be so serious towards the end, but I couldn't disrespect Lavitz's death with alotta jokes! *Bows head out of respect* So, yeah, keep reading and I promise I'll keep writing... 


	12. Chapter 11: Final Confrontation

Author's Note: Special guest appearance by my sister, Baby Blue!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD...just Boberto, Timoty, and Leroy ;-) and credit goes to Baby Blue for creating White Chocolate and the phrase "flesh- tearing-machete-eating PANCAKE OF DOOM"  
  
Chapter 11: Final Confrontation  
  
(Enter Kazas, seemingly in perpetual night and swarming with soliders enforcing marshal law. We encounter some very *cough* interesting characters from the moment we arrive, like this guy)  
  
Trader: *walks in suspiciously, wearing a long trenchcoat* Psst! You -- yeah, you! Wanna see something special?  
  
Wesley: Don't you DARE open that coat...  
  
Trader: *opens coat*  
  
All: GAAH!! *Shields eyes*  
  
Trader: Relax! I just wanna show you a Dragon's feather  
  
Me: But --  
  
Trader: Yup! It's an authentic Dragon's feather, straight from Ferybrand! No! Don't touch it, it's very posionous!  
  
Me: But --  
  
Trader: You wanna know how I got this very rare Dragon's feather?  
  
All: No  
  
Trader: I killed Ferybrand!  
  
All: *blink blink*  
  
Me: But --  
  
Trader: I'll sell it to ya for a mere 1000 G!  
  
Wesley: Why the hell would we wanna buy a poisonous feather?  
  
Me: But --  
  
Trader: Because....it can cure illness!  
  
Me: BUT DRAGONS DON'T HAVE FEATHERS!!!  
  
Trader: *raised eyebrow* How do you know that?  
  
Me: I, uh, um...  
  
Soldier: *enter* Who here is the one who claims he slayed Ferybrand?!  
  
(The soldier stares down Wesley, while the trader trys to be slick and sneak out)  
  
Soldier: It must be YOU!  
  
Trader: ?!  
  
Soldier: You are under arrest! *Grabs Trader*  
  
Trader: Wait, wait, I -- I was just kidding! I really didn't I..I...HELP!!  
  
*Exit Soldier and Trader, kicking and screaming*  
  
Owner of Item Shop: Don't worry bout it guys....that same trader came in here last week trying to sell me a toenail clipping from the Giganto Leroy, claiming that it could cure illness  
  
All: Eeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww....  
  
(Um....yeah.....we see some draft dodgers and we also ran through aisles connecting two "sound-proof" rooms)  
  
Person: Join the New Serdio Party!  
  
Wesley: If these rooms are so sound-proof, then how come I can here them?  
  
Person: The New Serdio Party is all about bringing peace and blah blah blah blah....  
  
(Well, nobody cares about the New Serdio Party. We finally reach the entrance of the Black Castle)  
  
Wesley: Wow. That's really black.  
  
Me: *eye twitch*  
  
Ania: Tina, don't --  
  
Me: *sigh* ....You know what, I'm just -- not going to say anything. You're making it too easy.  
  
Wesley: What?  
  
Timoty: Nevermind! Let's just find another way in *points to the heavily guarded entrance* becuz I don't think they're gunna let us just stroll in.  
  
Me: Didn't I say that in the last chapter?  
  
Ania: Nobody cares. Let's just go.  
  
(We walk past the Black Castle and try to find a back way in, but the earth begins to shake)  
  
Wesley: An earthquake?!  
  
Boberto: Wait a minute....earthquakes don't shake to a constant beat, do they?  
  
Ania: You guys hear that in the distance...sounds like.....Dr Dre?!  
  
Me: *rubs temples* Oh, I forgot to tell y'all....to get in we gotta go thru the Sandoran ghetto....  
  
All: You've got to be kidding me  
  
[Oh, excuse me the "slums" of Kazas....but that's the same as a ghetto, pretty much]  
  
Playa: Yo, what up my DAWG  
  
Dawg: What up playa! You still bangin' that chickenhead?  
  
Playa: Oh fo sho! All the bitchez and hos come back fo mo of my magic stick...*notices me and Ania* oooh, baby....  
  
Dawg: Damn, you better tap that ass!  
  
Playa: *slips his arm around my shoulder*  
  
Me: Ania! Run, save yourself!  
  
Playa: Girl, you must be a parking ticket cuz you got FINE written all over you *licks lips*  
  
Dawg: Holla!  
  
Timoty: Ok, horndog, time to stop the romancing *pulls me away*  
  
(So we quickly duck into one of the buildings and wander the ghettos to the loud, angry lyrics of Dr Dre and Eminem. We then find a small boy with baggy clothes and bling-bling hanging off his little arms and neck)  
  
???: What up, crackers?  
  
Boberto: Corey, you little bitch what the hell you doing here?!  
  
White Chocolate: Yo, cracker my name ain't "Corey" it's White Chocolate dawg  
  
Wesley: What? Who?  
  
Boberto: It's just my brother. Don't mind him.  
  
Wesley: Then wouldn't he be....  
  
Me: They're brothers IN REAL LIFE dumbass  
  
Wesley: Well exCUSE me.....  
  
Timoty: Stop being stupid, Corey  
  
White Chocolate: *pulls out a gun, and holds it sideways [gansta style]* Don't make me bust a cap in yo ass  
  
Timoty: Hey!! *Takes the gun away* That's my airsoft gun!  
  
White Chocolate: Dammit...  
  
Me: Well *cough* White Chocolate....what exactly are you doing in the LoD Compton?  
  
White Chocolate: I'm here to help you crackers --  
  
Ania: Stop calling us crackers!!  
  
White Chocolate: Don't get yo panties in a twist....newayz, I'm here to help you -- people -- into the Black Castle  
  
Wesley: There aren't going to be black people in the Black Castle, are there?  
  
Me: Why, you scared they gunna beat you up?  
  
Wesley: Nevermind...  
  
Ania: Why do you want to help us out?  
  
White Chocolate: Bitch, cuz that's my entire purpose in this game....now follow me *pimp walks up some stairs*  
  
All: .....  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Corey *cough* excuse me, White Chocolate, leads us to a hole in the ground with a rope descending down into the hole)  
  
White Chocolate: Go down there and you'll end up in the Black Castle  
  
Boberto: {Mental note: When I get out of here, I gotta beat Swaim's ass for kidnapping me and beat Corey's ass for being...himself....}  
  
White Chocolate: Aite, peace y'all *Sammy Sosa signature 'peace' sign* I best be going to finish my "business" *snaps fingers, and two girls appear on each arm, then exits*  
  
Me: I told ya he's the pimp of the universe  
  
Boberto: Yeess, Lady Pimptress  
  
Ania: *rolls eyes* Well, we'd better prepared before we go down into the Castle and all....  
  
Me: There you go again...we don't need that "be prepared" Boy Scout shit. Where's the fun in that? I'm going NOW *slides down the rope*  
  
All: *shrugs shoulders and follows me down into the hole*  
  
Ania: It's just not fair....*follows everyone else*  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(After crawling through underground tunnels and climbing other various ropes and ladders, we finally enter -- DA DA DA DUM!! The Black Castle!! And, of course, the first people to greet us are the guards)  
  
All: Hi guys!!  
  
Guard: *blink blink*  
  
[This is the part where you blow your whistle and say "Bastard," like in Hellena]  
  
Guard: Oh yeah...*whistle blows* Bastard!  
  
[Thaaat's more like it]  
  
(Like in Hellena, you only fight if you run into guards and their "hell hounds." Unlike in Hellena, you don't have anywhere else to run so you kinda hafta fight them. Then you find some elevators, but they won't work)  
  
All: Dammit!  
  
(Relax!! Just go through that door on your left -- no, the other left, called your right!)  
  
Wesley: So does that mean you want us to go right or left?  
  
(Left)  
  
Wesley: Left?  
  
(Right)  
  
Wesley: Right?  
  
(Right)  
  
Boberto: So..very..confused...  
  
Me: Well, you shouldn't be seeing as how THERE IS ONLY ONE DOOR!!  
  
Boberto: I thought you only yelled at Wesley.  
  
Me: I do not discriminate -- everyone is an equal target for my sarcasm and yelling.  
  
(So after some unneeded arguing with each other and the author, we finally went through the door and found a purple pillar of light in the middle of the room)  
  
All: Oooooooooh....pretty colors.....  
  
Green Researcher: Have you come to admire my green flame?  
  
White [no, that does not indicate the color of his skin] Researcher: Or perhaps you're here to admire my white flame, seeing as how your green flame SUCKS  
  
Timoty: Actually, we're trying to find Emperor Joel --  
  
Green Researcher: My flame sucks?!  
  
White Researcher: You're damn right it does! Yours doesn't do anything!!  
  
Green Researcher: At least mine isn't a pussy flame!  
  
White Researcher: You wanna take this outside, bitch?!  
  
Green Researcher: Bring it on!  
  
(Both the researchers step outside, and we hear some punches thrown and lots of screaming.)  
  
Me: I think they're gunna be there awhile.  
  
Wesley: Well maybe we can figure this out for ourselves...  
  
Me: More like we'll figure it out, and you'll stand there and look pretty.  
  
(Before Wesley could object, Boberto went to the green flame, Timoty went to the white flame, and I examined the purple flame in the middle of the room. Wesley and Ania just stood there and -- well, looked pretty)  
  
Boberto: The White Researcher was right, the green flame doesn't do shit! *Pokes at the flame continuously*  
  
(Timoty has slightly better luck with his flame -- he pokes the flame and the whole room filled with a bright, white light.)  
  
All: I'm blind!!!!  
  
(Yet, actually, they are healed....::wow::)  
  
Ania: Tina, what about this purple flame?  
  
Me: *pokes it continously* Well, it doesn't respond to me poking it *ponders, then notices a shelf full of jars* I wonder what these do....*reads the label* Purple Oil used to power the Castle's elevators....  
  
Wesley: *snatching away the jar* I guess that's what we need. Let's go.  
  
(The Researchers, bloody and bruised, enter as we exit)  
  
White Researcher: So, who did you come to see?  
  
Me: Nobody. We got what we came for. *All exits*  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Baby Blue: Are you EVER going to fight Emperor Joel in this chapter?!  
  
Me: YES! Geez, so impacient....  
  
[Okay, that was lame...]  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(So, with our newly acquired Purple Oil, we freely use the elevators to get wherever the hell we want. And the first place we go? A garbage disposal)  
  
All: WHY?!?!?!  
  
Wesley: Look! A chest!  
  
Me: There's probably something lame in it anyways....wait, Wesley what the hell you doing?!  
  
Timoty: The dumbass is walking across the platform to get to the chest.  
  
(Just for fun, we'll have the platform fall out from below Wesley, so that he falls down into the trash)  
  
All: O_o  
  
Wesley: *climbing up the ladder back to us* Tina...you SO owe me once we get outta here....  
  
Me: *picks banana peel out of his spiky hair*  
  
Wesley: That doesn't count!! You still owe me!!  
  
(So, second attempt and Wesley is successful and reaches the chest)  
  
Wesley: *opens the chest* Look!! It's a...red stone....better than nothing I guess.  
  
(And he returns without a hitch, and we go right back to the elevators. This time, we go to the floor directly below the Researchers' lab [or something like that] and we find another chest. But now we got something -- er, someONE else blocking our way)  
  
Mr Magi: Who are you?!  
  
Ania: Shouldn't we be asking you the same thing?  
  
Mr Magi: I'M not the one intruding on someone else's research!  
  
Me: Wait, you're a researcher? Then why aren't you up there with the other guys beating the crap outta each other?  
  
Mr Magi: Because I mastered a type of magic those two FOOLS could never comprehend! The power of Transfiguration!  
  
All: Riiiiight.....  
  
Mr Magi: How DARE you all mock me! Well, I'll show you! I summon the flesh-tearing-machete-eating-PANCAKE OF DOOM!!!!!  
  
(All those words and yet....nothing happens.....)  
  
All: *blink blink*  
  
Mr Magi: Well...um...I was just kidding! But now, I will summon the all- powerful-blood-sucking MOTH OF DEATH!!!!  
  
*Cricket chirping*  
  
Timoty: This is sad....  
  
Boberto: Worse than Wesley...  
  
Wesley: I'm going to ignore that and take it as a compliment  
  
Mr Magi: *growls* Well, now I, um...screw it  
  
(The angry Mr Magi charges at the five of us and runs into....my sword)  
  
Mr Magi: *dies*  
  
All cept me: OMG YOU KILLED MAGI!!  
  
Me: Sorry! Defense mechanism...  
  
Baby Blue: HOLD IT!! THAT'S NOT RIGHT!!  
  
[Fine...]  
  
(REWIND!!)  
  
Wesley: I'm going to ignore that and take it as a compliment  
  
Mr Magi: *growls* Well, I, uh...CERBERUS!!! EMERGE!!!  
  
Wesley: He sounds serious this time....  
  
Mr Magi: *turns into a dog*  
  
Me and Ania: PUPPY!!  
  
Mr Magi: Woof woof  
  
Guys: *Anime sweatdrop*  
  
Wesley: Ok, enough of that....*retrieves Blue Stone from the chest* Let's get outta here.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Almost there! Well...not really....we again use the elevators to get to a floor where the guards are training)  
  
[Nice going]  
  
All cept Wesley: Blame Wesley! It's all his fault!  
  
Wesley: Don't hate me cuz I'm beautiful  
  
Me: Okay, you're not THAT cute  
  
(Anyways.....you fight the guards and they again insist on fighting you one at a time)  
  
All: *snore*  
  
(And FINALLY you use the ladder to get to the...Great Commander?!)  
  
Great Commander: Oh, so it's you.  
  
Ania: IT'S YOU!  
  
Great Commander: Yeah, it's me....you're point?  
  
Ania: You kidnapped me and tried to rape me!!!  
  
Great Commander: First of all, NO ONE TOUCHED YOU...you just like to think that we did....second of all, I'm not like that anymore  
  
Wesley: What, you're gay now?  
  
Great Commander: NO! No, I mean I'm not evil anymore. I realized that Emperor Joel has become sick with power and he's killing innocent people to obtain what he wants [this will be a reoccuring theme throughout the game]....He didn't used to be like this. Here, take this*gives Wesley the Yellow Stone*  
  
Wesley: What's this?  
  
Great Commander: It's the key to Emperor Joel's chamber, when combined with the Blue and Red Stones  
  
Wesley: SEE! I knew they would be useful!  
  
Great Commander: Riiiiight....just go save Emperor Joel  
  
Wesley: I thought we were here to kill him  
  
Great Commander: IT'S A FIGURE OF SPEECH! Now, leave before I turn evil again....  
  
(Okay, okay NOW we're almost to Emperor Joel!)  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Or maybe not....we go up to the fourth floor and we enter a chamber, but it doesn't look like Emperor Joel's chamber. We find a really big statue of a goddess, and we discover a platform with three holes in it)  
  
All: ::wow::  
  
Father Faza: Hey! Whadda bout me?!  
  
[Nobody cares]  
  
Father Faza: Bitch...  
  
[Why must all you characters all insist on calling me a bitch?!?]  
  
Wesley: Then stop writing it that way  
  
[Don't make me smite you]  
  
(So, yeah....we put the three stones in the three holes [what geniuses] and discover that there is an elevator within the statue of the goddess!)  
  
All: ::wow::  
  
(Alright, this is it! Just one more elevator ride up to Emperor Joel....)  
  
Leroy: ARGH!!  
  
(Okay, maybe I lied....)  
  
Wesley: Leroy, would you mind not blocking the door, we're trying to stop a war here.  
  
Leroy: Gigantos no lose twice!! Fight me!!  
  
Me: Alright, but you asked for it...  
  
*Screen dissolves, battle begins*  
  
(Well, doesn't this look familiar? But this time Leroy's got special armor [ooooo....aaaahhh...]. After we exchange attacks a couple of times Leroy....)  
  
Leroy: Leroy need no weapon! *Drops axe* Leroy beat you with bare hands!  
  
All: Riiiight....  
  
(And yet, he can. One of his attacks is especially potent: a wall appears behind whoever he is attacking [me] and Leroy nails you to the wall by the neck. He then punches you against the wall and then the wall comes tumbling down on top of you)  
  
Leroy: Crash!  
  
Me: *dies*  
  
Wesley and Boberto (who are fighting with me in the battle): !?!?  
  
[Stupid, heal me!!]  
  
Boberto: Oh, yeah *uses Angel's Prayer*  
  
(And, again, if you mess up on an addition then Leroy hurts you the same way he did in Hoax. Finally, after a little more effort than the first time, we beat Leroy)  
  
Leroy: *falls on his hands and knees, shaking* Leroy beaten twice....even with special armor....me failed....kill me, please  
  
All: ......  
  
Wesley: We'd rather just leave you here.  
  
Boberto: Yeah, we gotta war to end *see ya*  
  
[I'm not doing the whole "Shana I hope you're sweetness won't kill you" bit, because frankly, Ania is more likely to try and kill Leroy than I am]  
  
(FINALLY! WE GET TO FIGHT EMPEROR JOEL! I promise)  
  
Joel: So nice of you to come all the way out here just to die *lowers his throne*  
  
Me: It's more like you're the one who's gunna die...  
  
Wesley: But first, we want some answers! Why did you have Ania taken away?!  
  
Joel: Oh, that was all Jimbo's plan, I dunno what the hell he's up to....and, don't you owe me money?  
  
Wesley: Um..no I don't think so --  
  
Joel: Yes you do! Everybody owes me money, now gimme yours!  
  
Wesley: Fine...*pulls out some ones from his pocket*  
  
Me: Dumbass! He's trying to mess with your head!  
  
Wesley: Oh.  
  
Joel: hehehe  
  
Boberto: Why did you kill my father?!  
  
Joel: I didn't kill your father. He's still on the run from the IRS and trying to avoid child support  
  
Boberto: No, not my REAL dad...my video game dad...  
  
Joel: Oh...wait, lemme review the script *reviews the script*  
  
All: There's a script?!  
  
Joel: Oh, yes now I remember...*ahem* I was saving the country from an incompetent leader named Carlo.  
  
Boberto: Oh, okay. But we're still going to fight you.  
  
Joel: Fair enough  
  
*Screen dissolves, battle begins*  
  
(Joel gets two swords [NOT FAIR!] and he'll either just slash you with them, pick you up and throw you to the ground with them, or he'll use a Thunder element item. We got him down to red pretty fast)  
  
Wesley: Well, that was easy enough  
  
Joel: Oh, so you wanna play it like that, huh? Well, I'm show you my TRUE power! *Transforms into the Violet Dragoon, and health goes back to blue*  
  
Me: Spoke too soon there, buddy.  
  
(Now THIS is the fun part. Joel's magical and physical attacks cause a helluva lot more damage now that he's a Dragoon, so it's a good thing we stocked up on Healing Potions and Angel's Prayers [you DID stock up, didn't you?!]. I also find it good to use Boberto/Albert's Rose Storm [fruity, as it may seem] since it reduces enemy attacks by half. Joel also creates a bubble that blocks all physical and magical attacks and he keeps it for a long ass time)  
  
All: CHICKEN!!!  
  
Joel: You're just jealous because I have a bubble and you don't.  
  
(After a long battle, we beat Emperor Joel)  
  
*after the battle*  
  
Joel: You have become...strong *blood drips onto carpet* But I still can beat your ass in boxing  
  
Boberto: True, true.  
  
Joel: Jimbo....is heading west to...Tiberoa....go and stop him *dies, while standing up -- very regal*  
  
Ania: That was actually *sniff* kinda nice....  
  
Wesley: Well, guys we ended the civil war...so I guess that's the end of journey  
  
Boberto: That means we can go home! *Raises up his hand, like he's expecting something*  
  
*Cricket chripping, again*  
  
Me: *squashes cricket*  
  
Cricket: *dies*  
  
Me: What? He was getting on my nerves  
  
Timoty: Why isn't anything happening?  
  
Me: Because the journey ISN'T over....we still hafta pursue [a word you will be seeing a lot more of] Jimbo  
  
Wesley: But why?  
  
Me: Because he has the Moon Gem, and he possibly has a plan to take over/destroy the world! Plus, he killed Melvin don't you want revenge?!  
  
Wesley: Yes  
  
Me: Then we hafta pursue Jimbo!  
  
All: Oh.  
  
Melvin: *from the grave* You better damn well want revenge  
  
[Melvin, go away]  
  
Melvin: Sorry *leaves*  
  
Timoty: Well, you all have fun on your quest for Jimbo. Meanwhile, I'll be going now.  
  
(NOT SO FAST THERE BUDDY!)  
  
Timoty: What? *Joel's Dragoon Spirit leaves Joel and stops in front of Timoty*  
  
Me: I guess you hafta come with us now  
  
Timoty: Um....okay....but why do I get the fruity Dragoon Spirit?!?  
  
Haschel: Hey!!  
  
[Haschel, go away]  
  
Haschel: Sorry *leaves*  
  
*Inspirational self-discovery music plays*  
  
Wesley: We are off to Tiberoa! To find Jimbo, seek vengence, and possibly save the world!!!  
  
[Well don't y'all feel special -- and you're not supposed to know that yet!]  
  
Wesley: Well, I do. Deal with it.  
  
[ X-p (that's me sticking my tongue out at Wesley) ]  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Please insert Disk Two.....please wait....  
  
Second Author's Note: Sorry if the battle with Joel seemed lame, and sorry if the Sandoran ghetto offended anyone White Chocolate: But you kno we be ghetto fabolous here in So Cali  
  
[Corey, go away]  
  
White Chocolate: Sorry. 


	13. The Chapter Where We Really Don't Do Any...

Author's Note: HAHAHAHA you thought with the title "final confrontation" that that was the end of my fic...but NO! It still lives! Hahahahaha yeeesss.....[school's almost out that's why I'm so excited] What, you thought I was the only odd one in my family?  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD and that's it  
  
Chapter 12:*DISK TWO* The Chapter Where We Really Don't Do Anything  
  
Please insert Disk Two....please wait.....  
  
(The next installment of our saga begins with a glimpse of a beautiful town with clear-blue rivers running through its center. Dark skinned people walked oblivious through the streets and then we see a *FLASH* and standing in the middle of the hustle-and-bustle is platinum-haired Jimbo [oh, yeah...NOBODY'll notice you now]. After surveying his surrondings, he disappears the same way he came. ::Wow:: And so begins.....)  
  
PLATINUM SHADOW  
  
(Now we find our five *cough* heroes run into the same town, in hot pursuit of Jimbo [sorry guys you just missed him] )  
  
All: What?  
  
[Oops, nevermind]  
  
All: Riiiight....  
  
Wesley: So what exactly are we supposed to be doing now?  
  
Me: Looking for Jimbo, I guess  
  
Ania: Well, where should we start?  
  
*Cricket chirping*  
  
Me: Damn! There's more! *Goes and runs after the cricket*  
  
All: .....  
  
Boberto: Well, while she's doing...whatever....I suggest we go in there *points to the church*  
  
Wesley: And she calls me dumb  
  
Me: *steps on his foot*  
  
Wesley: OW!!  
  
Me: Oh, sorry, I thought your foot was the cricket  
  
Wesley: *profanities*  
  
(So we went into the church and found another random priest dude preaching to a small crowd about stars while the rest of us ducked into the neighboring planetariums. Umm, maybe we shoulda thought this out a little more...)  
  
Operator: Hello, sirs and ma'ams.  
  
All: Uh, hi.  
  
Operator: Would you like to see a brief slide show about stars?  
  
Timoty: Slide show? I dunno bout this....  
  
Wesley: Sure. Whatever.  
  
Me: Hope you can handle this, Wesley  
  
Wesley: Shut up.  
  
Operator: Okay, then...lights! *lights go down and "stars" fill the room* The people of Tiberoa worship the moon and stars. Stars are believed to be blah blah blah  
  
All: zzzzzz.....  
  
*Thirty minutes later*  
  
All: zzzzz.....  
  
Operator: Blah blah blah and that's it. Lights! *Lights turn on*  
  
All: zzzzz....*awake* !?  
  
Wesley: ?? Oh yeah, that was very interesting. Thank you goodbye. *All leave*  
  
(God that was boring....anyways, what's behind door number two?!)  
  
Romeo: I love you!  
  
Juliet: I love you too, but you know we cannot be together!  
  
Romeo: I know but.....screw it! I love you and I want to be with you!  
  
Juliet: Oh, kiss me you fool! *They make out*  
  
Guys: *Gag*  
  
Ania: Aww...how sweet! ^_^  
  
Me: Oh, please! I'd give it a week *Chucks a tomato at them*  
  
Lovers: HEY!  
  
Wesley: Where the hell did that tomato come from?  
  
Ania: Just because you don't have a boyfriend doesn't mean you have to be so bitter.  
  
Me: I wouldn't be talking, you don't have a boyfriend either  
  
Ania: That's beside the point...  
  
Me: And I'm not bitter....I'm just objective *so there*  
  
(Okay now, I've had enough of the planetarium, have you?)  
  
All: Yes  
  
(Alright, so we leave the planetarium and we still don't have a clue where Jimbo is or what the hell we're supposed to do in this town. And frankly, neither do I)  
  
Wesley: Oh, great, now even the author is lost!  
  
Boberto: We're doomed.  
  
[Stop being so negative, guys....I'll remember this...eventually....]  
  
Timoty: DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMEDD!!!!!!  
  
[Okay, that was a stretch]  
  
Ania: Seriously, guys let's give her time to think  
  
[Okay, I'm thinking.....]  
  
*Ten minutes later*  
  
All: *yawn*  
  
[I'm still thinking!]  
  
*Ten MORE minutes later*  
  
All: *snore*  
  
[You know what.....I warned you....*lightening strikes*]  
  
All: !? Okay, we're awake!!!  
  
[Just....go over to that bar before I REALLY decide to hurt one of you]  
  
Ania: !!!BAR!!!  
  
All: Oh plez....*rolls eyes*  
  
(So while Ania runs to the friggin bar, the rest of us walk across a bridge with an interesting name)  
  
Me: Hey, look this is called "Claire Bridge"  
  
Timoty: Wow. That's the name of my daughter  
  
Wesley: Wow. That's the name of my mom  
  
Me and Boberto: ???  
  
Wesley: Okay, moving on *he and Timoty walk away*  
  
[Okay, that was....interesting.....]  
  
(So, we arrive at the bar and Ania is already there eagerly awaiting service)  
  
Ania: I want you're strongest drink!  
  
Timoty: With her along, I think I'm gunna need that too  
  
Bartender: *raised eyebrow* Are you sure you can handle that, missy?  
  
Ania: Of course! I'm SUCH a heavyweight!  
  
Me: *aside to Boberto* Five bucks says she passes out with one shot  
  
Bartender: Okay, but I warned you...*gives her the shot*  
  
Ania: *takes the shot* WOW! *Cough* Oh, yeah that's...good stuff...I -- *passes out*  
  
Me: Told ya  
  
Boberto: Dammit *gives me $5*  
  
Wesley: That was kinda an unfair bet....you're the author and you already kno the outcome  
  
Me: Well, that's Boberto fault for not seeing that coming  
  
Boberto: What? Oh, yeah...dammit....  
  
(So as we are slipping on our own drinks, with Ania still passed out, a blond haired girl suddenly jumps out from behind the bar)  
  
Cristi: HI GUYS!!!  
  
All: !!  
  
[Cristi is one of my very good friends from church and school, but she can be on the....bubbly, hyper side]  
  
Cristi: OMG what happened to Ania, is she dead!?!  
  
Me: No, she's just....sleeping  
  
Cristi: Oh, well....hey doyawannatalkaboutstars?!  
  
Timoty: That was random....  
  
Wesley: What? I only got one word outta that  
  
Me: Um, maybe we can talk about stars later, Cristi  
  
Cristi: NoIthinkyouwannatalkaboutstars....let's seee...  
  
Wesley: Well, if you know so much, how bout you tell us where Jimbo is?  
  
Cristi: Jimbo? IdunnoaJimbowhotheheckishedoeshewannatalkaboutstars?  
  
Me: um, no, I don't think so...  
  
Cristi: WellphooeythenIdontcareabouthimbesidesifIdunnowhoheisthenhesprobnotinthistow n...I know everything  
  
Boberto: Damn, you musta paid real good money for those drugs of yours  
  
Cristi: DRUGS!? ImnotonanydrugsIonlydrinkcaffeine!! CAFFEINE CAFFEINE CAFFEINE!!!!!!!!!!  
  
All: It all makes sense now....  
  
BabyBlue: Caffeine IS a drug  
  
[Thanks sis for that enlightening information]  
  
BabyBlue: You're welcome ^_^  
  
Cristi: Well, anyways thisguynamedBinchenzomighthelpyaheknowsalotboutstarsbutmostlyboutthisonestar calledtheMo-onThatNeverSetsandifyouwannatalkaboutthatthengotalktohim  
  
Wesley: I'm not quite sure what she said but I heard Binchenzo and something bout a moon...?  
  
Timoty: How would an astronomer be able to help us find Jimbo?  
  
Cristi: WellIdunnobutIjustwantedtotellyaguysthat....so doyawannatalkboutstars HUH?!? HUH?!? DOYADOYADOYA?!?!?!?  
  
Boberto: Where does Binchenzo live?  
  
Cristi: Huh? O, next door.  
  
Timoty: Let's go *all bolt toward the door*  
  
Cristi: HEY!! You'reforgettingsomeone *points to Ania, still out cold*  
  
Me: Oh....Wesley, go carry her.  
  
Wesley: *whining* Why?!  
  
Me, Timoty, and Boberto: Becuz you guys are in LO~OVE!!!! *Laughter*  
  
Wesley: Grr....fine *flings Ania over his shoulder and we bolt*  
  
Cristi: HEYYOUDIDNTTALKTOMEABOUTSTARS!!!! *pouts*  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(We walk next door [with Ania being the exception] )  
  
Boberto: How long you gunna keep her like that?  
  
[Just a little while longer]  
  
Timoty: Yeah, she's doing us a favor so shut up.  
  
Me: Well, let's see if this Binchenzo is here or not....*knock knock* BINCHENZO?! YOU THERE!?  
  
Binchenzo: Yes, I am...what do you want?!  
  
All: Vicente?  
  
Binchenzo: No. I was Vicente in Serdio. Now, in Tiberoa, I'm Binchenzo...but wait, Boberto why aren't you in Bale?  
  
Boberto: Personal business I have to tend to. Plus I left YOU in charge of the country!  
  
Binchenzo: Oh. Oops.  
  
Timoty: So, wait who is running the country of Serdio?!  
  
Boberto: Ah, who cares? It's not like it's real.  
  
All: True, true.  
  
Me: Whatever works. So, can we come in now?  
  
Binchenzo: Oh, yes of course. But, why is she *points to Ania* like that?  
  
Wesley: Apparently, she isn't the heavy drinker she thinks she is.  
  
Binchenzo: Oh. Whatever.  
  
(We walk into Binchenzo's small, one-room house and Wesley props Ania up against a corner [I'll wake her up...eventually...I promise] )  
  
Boberto: Seems like you got demoted Binchenzo  
  
Binchenzo: You want my help?  
  
Boberto: Yes.  
  
Binchenzo: Then don't insult my living quarters. Besides, I got a good job at the Twin Castles as a tutor to Princess Alona. And, as a second job I'm an astronomer specializing in the Moon That Never Sets *indicates the big telescope in the middle of the room*  
  
All: ::wow::  
  
Me: Yeah, actually that's why we're here...we wanna learn about the Moon That Never Sets  
  
Wesley: I thought we were here to ask him bout the whereabouts of Jimbo  
  
Me: What have I told you about asking questions?  
  
Binchenzo: Well, I can't help ya with you're quest for Jimbo but I can tell ya bout the Moon That Never Sets. It's quite interesting actually  
  
All: {Oh great, another history lesson}  
  
*VIDEO TIME!*  
  
Binchenzo: In astronomy, a moon that never sets cannot exist  
  
Wesley: Cannot exist?!  
  
Binchenzo: Yes, Wesley....anyways, When the Winglies enslaved the world, many of thousands of years ago, the Winglies banished the gods to the Moon That Never Sets. The gods promised a saviour named the Moon Child -- "Count 108 years when the Moon That Never Sets glows red, the Moon Child shall descend to fill the world with holy bliss" But instead of a blessing, we received a cursed named.....Black Monster  
  
[Don't quote me on that, I do not remember what Fester says in the video. If YOU know what Fester says in that video, then please tell me and I will rewrite and repost this and I will love you forever ^_^]  
  
Wesley: *growls* The Black Monster!  
  
Binchenzo: Would you stop repeating me?!? I think they heard me the first time!!!  
  
Wesley: Geez, touchy touchy  
  
*Clock chimes*  
  
Binchenzo: *sigh* Well, I have to go to the Castle. If you want to look at the Moon That Never Sets, then look through the telescope. Hasta luego  
  
All: Que?  
  
Binchenzo: Stupid white people *leaves*  
  
Wesley: Now what? That really didn't tell us anything.  
  
Me: Well, it didn't tell us any information that we need in the immediate future  
  
All: ....  
  
Me: Ignore me  
  
Boberto: Let's get outta here  
  
Timoty: But not before we --  
  
All: TRASH THE PLACE!!!!  
  
*All trash Binchenzo's house*  
  
Wesley: Alright, let's bail *flings Ania over his shoulder again*  
  
[And nobody is bothered by the fact that Ania is still passed out]  
  
(Once we all walked outside, we realized it was dark. We didn't wanna cough up 20 Gs to spend the night at the hotel, so we tried to exit the city of Fletz)  
  
Officer: *whistle blows* Stop!  
  
All: Oh shit...*hands up*  
  
Wesley: I swear I didn't take ANYTHING from the jewelry shop!  
  
Me: Yeah, and I really AM at the legal drinking age!  
  
Officer: *raised eyebrow* All I wanted to tell you is that you can't leave the city...we've been having problems with gangs lately...but you two wanna repeat that information?  
  
Me and Wesley: No.  
  
Boberto: Gangs? Oh, we got alotta those back home  
  
Timoty: Yeah, we can take care of ourselveves....we're not wearing any idenifying bandanas or anything  
  
Officer: I still can't let you leave. By order of King Zior.  
  
Boberto: It's all bling bling -- I'm a king too.  
  
Officer: .....  
  
Boberto: Seriously!  
  
Officer: You kno what? If you four....*notices Ania* excuse me, five, get a room in the city in the next five minutes, then I won't arrest you....and remember, I can run REALLY fast.  
  
All: FINE! *Turns back to the city*  
  
(So we desperately look for somewhere to stay for the night, under the watchful eye of the Officer. We come across a house with a sign on the door that reads "Our Love Nest")  
  
Me: *sarcasticly* Oooh, wonder what that implies...  
  
Boberto: *presses ear against the door* Um....I don't think we wanna know...let's go find somewhere else to stay.  
  
(We search the entire town, walking in house after house, while the tenants just ignore us)  
  
Me: This is what I love about video games -- you can walk into anyone's house you like, and they won't shoot you!  
  
Tenant: WTF are you kids doing on my property?!? *Gun shot*  
  
Me: *dies*  
  
Boberto: Now what? The only females we have in our group are either passed out from alcohol poisoning, or dead.  
  
Timoty: I'm straight I tell you!! And I intend to stay that way!  
  
Wesley: ?? I'm confused...  
  
[Would you calm yourself? I'm the author, I have special FanFiction powers]  
  
Me: *revives myself* Dammit, now I know how Lloyd feels in every Striker fic.  
  
All: Who?  
  
Me: I didn't say a thing. {Damn this mouth of mine} Let's go before I get shot again.  
  
(Finally, we cautiously walk into a house with a lovely garden in the yard.)  
  
Me: Okay, whoever has a vegetable garden in their yard is not a likely candidate to randomly shoot 16-year-old girls, right?  
  
Timoty: Geez, you're starting to get more paranoid than Boberto  
  
Boberto: I am not paranoid....I'm just cautious....  
  
Timoty: Suure  
  
Wesley: Excuse me? Anyone home?  
  
(Enter my sister AGAIN, whose *real* name is Lauren. She wanted to be Nello, so there)  
  
Lauren: What?  
  
Wesley: ummm....can we stay the night.  
  
Lauren: Well, you're already in my house and that girl on your shoulder looks like she's already fast asleep --  
  
Me: Yeah...that's it....  
  
Lauren: Wait a minute -- ANIA?!?! That foul demon wench is NOT going to stay in my house!!  
  
Timoty: Geez, you're sister's mean  
  
Me: Not to everyone -- just to Ania. And she's feeding me lines here, this is NOT my own personal opinion of Ania  
  
All: Riiiiight  
  
Me: Whatever  
  
Wesley: Please, just let her stay...if we don't have a place to stay, then we'll be arrested!  
  
Officer: *death glare to me and Wesley* Damn skippy  
  
Me: Yeah, sis and you don't want your ::favorite:: sister to be arrested, do you?  
  
Lauren: You're my only sister  
  
Me: Same thing...pleeeezz sissy *puppy dog eyes*  
  
Lauren: Well....as long as she's like that, then she can't destroy anything. Alright you can stay -- but only if you promise to NOT wake her up till you all leave. And she stays in the closet  
  
All: Deal.  
  
[God, we're mean, aren't we? Aren't you glad you're not MY friend? Hehehe]  
  
Me: So what exactly are you doing here in Fletz?  
  
Lauren: Well, I'm working on the revegetation of the earth project here! And I'm in charge of it -- aren't ya proud of me?  
  
Me: Yes, Lauren. Very much  
  
Boberto: That actually sounds interesting....what does revegetation of the earth imply?  
  
Lauren: Well, what are goal is to restore greenery to Tiberoa, and hopefully the rest of the continent! Hopefully, within a few years we can make someplace as dead as the Barrens be as green and lucious as Donau! Bringing back vegetation to the earth has many benefits, such as cleaner air, more food for the native fauna, and plus it just looks pretty ^_^  
  
Me: Wouldn't that upset the already established ecosystem of the Barrens?  
  
Lauren: ARE YOU QUESTIONING MY POSITION?!?! HOW DARE YOU!!! THIS PLAN WORKS, DAMMIT! AND IF THE FRIGGIN MORONS DIDN'T DESTROY EVERYTHING IN SITE THEN WE WOULDN'T HAVE THIS PROBLEM!!! QUESTION ME AGAIN AND YOU'LL BE THROWN OUT ONTO THE STREETS!!!! *Bangs fist in her hand*  
  
Me: Nevermind, Lauren. Revegetation is the greatest plan in the world.  
  
Lauren: I thought you might say that *sweetly* Okay, so who wants dinner?  
  
All: *blink blink* Wow.  
  
Boberto: That was TOTALLY unexpected.  
  
Me: Just take the food, dammit  
  
Wesley: Okay, you've convinced me -- you two are DEFINITELY related.  
  
Lauren: Ok, umm...I'm going to sleep now. If you guys want food, it's in the refrigerator --  
  
All: They have refrigerators?!  
  
Lauren: I...guess....anyway good night and you guys can sleep wherever you can find a place...cept Ania *grabs her by the hair and throws her into the closet*  
  
All: _-  
  
Wesley: She can't feel anything, right?  
  
Me: I'm feeling merciful, so no she can't feel a thing.  
  
(And we sleeps)  
  
All: zzzzzzzzzz.....  
  
(Night turns into day.....and we leave ummm....leave the city for our little *cough* quest. Yeah, that's it)  
  
Wesley: I am NOT carrying her *refers to Ania, while taking her out of the closet* all the way to the next town!  
  
Lauren: You can wake her now.  
  
Ania: *wakes up* ??? What happened? All I remember was I was in a bar, and now I'm not....  
  
Wesley: You don't want to know.  
  
Second Author's Note: That was a really long chapter for us not doing anything. 


	14. Chapter 13: You Got Jacked!

Author's Note: ::wow:: That was a quick update (there's the answer your question, Omni Dragon!) This is more of a serious chapter than a humorous one. So, whatever, bear with me.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD or the Eastsiders or Jeeves or Benson, but I do "own" the phrase "Your Mayorness"  
  
Chapter 13: You Got Jacked!  
  
Wesley: I guess Jimbo isn't here --  
  
Me: Thank you, Mr Obvious  
  
Wesley: You're welcome.  
  
Boberto: I don't believe that Joel would lie to us, especially on his death bed  
  
Timoty: I would  
  
Ania: Can someone PLEASE tell me what happened in the bar?  
  
Wesley: I told ya -- you really don't wanna know. Just get over it.  
  
Me: There's more to Tiberoa than Fletz. Across the Barrens is Donau, the Flower City. He might be there.  
  
Guys: Flower City? How fruity.  
  
(And we leave Fletz [much to the pleasure of that one Officer] and we pass through the Barrens.)  
  
Ania: What a God-awful place! I better get a decent tan here  
  
All: *rolls eyes*  
  
???: Hey, look guys...we got some visitors *evil laugh*  
  
All: What the hell...??  
  
(We look up and c-walking all over the overpass is a Chinese freshman wearing a bright yellow baseball cap [backwards] and next to him are two of his minions)  
  
Yellow Hat: Yeeeessss...my minons....  
  
Boberto: Great, this gets better and better....lemme guess, you're White Chocolate #2?  
  
Me: But, he's not white....  
  
Yellow Hat: No way, bitch! My gangsta name is Yellow Hat *c-walks on the overpass*  
  
Ania: Gangsta?  
  
Yellow Hat: *evil laugh* Look at this, minions!! Seems like she hasn't heard of the mas famoso Eastsiders Gang!  
  
Timoty: Now you speak Spanish?  
  
Yellow Hat: So what if I do?  
  
Boberto: Eastsiders? Isn't that the name of a Snoop Dogg CD?  
  
Snoop Dogg: Fo shizzel my nizzel bizizzel  
  
All: Riiiiiiight...  
  
Yellow Hat: I don't give a f*ck. It's still the name of our gang!  
  
Wesley: Enough with the talk! What do you want, Yellow Hat?  
  
Yellow Hat: Well, you crackers be intruding on our territory...and NO ONE gets passed without paying the fee! *C-walks again*  
  
Wesley: How much?  
  
Yellow Hat: *consults with his minions* Well, you can get off free if....you leave the bimbos here with us  
  
Me: WHAT?! *Draws sword* You wanna get you're c-walking ass down here and say that to my face?!  
  
The rest of us: *draws weapons*  
  
Boberto: Just, let us pass and no one will get hurt  
  
Yellow Hat: Argh! I'm totally pissed!! [Direct quote]  
  
All: .....  
  
Yellow Hat: Minions! Take care of them! *Jumps off the overpass*  
  
*Screen dissolves, battle begins*  
  
(Quite the unexpected battle, isn't it? There's not much to this battle: attack the two crafty theives [the "minons"] first, cuz if you attack Mappi/Yellow Hat first, then he'll disappear after a couple of turns [I think]. Also, the stupid theives will steal G or items from us, but then we kill them and they "give it back" But, like the battle with the snake in the Limestone Cave, it doesn't really matter what happened during the battle -- what happens AFTER is the important part)  
  
(So, this is the part where Wesley stands over the cowering Yellow Hat -- one of the few times Wesley gets to look masculine and powerful)  
  
Wesley: What do you mean few?  
  
(Did I stutter? You know what I said)  
  
Yellow Hat: HEY! Remember me?  
  
Wesley: Oh yeah....*walks over to Yellow Hat, looking very masculine and powerful, and raises sword*  
  
Yellow Hat: *on his knees* Wait! Wait a minute! Please, please don't kill me....I -- I can change!  
  
Wesley: Really?  
  
Yellow Hat *looks up evily* Psyche.  
  
(Suddenly, Yellow Hat lunges at Wesley, knocking him off balance. A flash of red falls from Wesley's pocket and Yellow Hat quickly retrieves it. While he examined the object, the five of us realize that Yellow Hat stole Wesley's Dragoon Spirit!)  
  
Readers: *gasp* Noooo!  
  
(Wesley scrambled to get up and I raced to Yellow Hat. I tackled the annoying little kid and slashed at him with my rapier to try and get back the Spirit. It was all in vain though -- he dodged every one of my blows and quickly ran off into the Barrens)  
  
Me: Dammit! *Throws down rapier in frustration*  
  
Wesley: Shit....now what?!  
  
Boberto: Should we go after that little bastard?  
  
Me: No -- I mean, the Spirit is very important but we dunno where he went. It's probably safer to continue on to Donau...maybe someone there either knows the location of Jimbo or Yellow Hat and the Eastsiders.  
  
(Feeling defeated and incompetent -- )  
  
Me: I am NOT incompetent!  
  
( -- we leave the Barrens)  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(In Donau, a young woman daintly washes her hands in the nearby well. Her long blond hair is pulled back in a low pony-tail and her clothes are unseasonably warm for the climate of Tiberoa. She is approached by three crude gangstas)  
  
Gangsta 1: Well, hello pretty lady  
  
Third Sacred Sister Katherine: Um...hello..?  
  
Gangsta 2: How would you like to come for a ride with us?  
  
SS Katherine: Uh, no thank you *starts to leave*  
  
Gangsta 3: *blocks her path* No, I don't think you understand...that wasn't a request  
  
Gangsta 2: Hey, aren't you a Sacred Sister *evil laugh* Look, homiez! We are in the presence of the mas famosa Sacred Sister of Mille Seseau!  
  
All gangstas: *mockily bows*  
  
SS Katherine: C-can I go now?  
  
Gangsta 1: You know, she might fetch a nice fortune if we SELL her *evil laugh*  
  
(Now Katherine is REALLY scared -- well, wouldn't you be if some strange guys threatened to sell you into slavery or possibly prostitution? Yeah, I thought you might say that. Oh look, someone's coming out of the item shop!)  
  
SS Katherine: Oh! Please help me sir! Please!  
  
Gangsta 3: Yo, dawg if you know what's good for you, you'll leave the lady to us!  
  
Man: Oh, excuse me please continue  
  
All: ???  
  
Man: *draws sword* If you want to die.  
  
Gangstas: wtf? You challenging us?!  
  
(One of the gangstas charged at the man with a knife...he's not a very smart one. The man magically produced an energy shield to block the gangsta's attack, knocking the gangsta out cold.)  
  
Gangstas 1&2: Damn! We out! *Leaves*  
  
SS Katherine: Oh, thank you for saving me! How can I repay you?!  
  
Man: Just leave me alone. *Begins to leave*  
  
SS Katherine: Can I at least get your name?  
  
Jimbo: It's Jimbo  
  
[Oh, c'mon! Don't tell me you didn't see that one coming]  
  
SS Katherine: Well, thank you Mr Jimbo  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Now, we enter Donau)  
  
Timoty: Geez, you think they get enough of flowers  
  
Guys: Told ya this was a fruity city  
  
Wesley: Dammit, no Jimbo!  
  
Me: Chill out. You think you would run into him the minute you arrived in town?  
  
Wesley: Well, yes  
  
Me: *rubs temples* Baby steps...  
  
Little Girl: W-welcome to Donau th-the Flower C-city...  
  
Boberto: What's wrong? You got a stuttering problem or what?  
  
Little Girl: ....please don't hurt me  
  
Wesley: OH! You think we're Eastsiders! Haha, don't worry, we're not gangstas  
  
Me: I'm surprised you caught on so fast  
  
Little Girl: Oh my gosh, I'm so relieved! Well, with that, then welcome to Donau! Enjoy your stay *skips away*  
  
Ania: I guess we are a little dirty....  
  
Me: What does that have anything to do with anything?  
  
Ania: I'm just saying....  
  
Wesley: Why don't we go find a place to go wash up?  
  
(We wander Donau for a bit, noticing the Eastsider pest problem that the town had -- there were about as much gangstas in Donau as flowers! Again, we walk into a random house...but thankfully, we did not find a hick with a shotgun in the house -- we found a teen girl crying angrily at the foot of her bed)  
  
Tanya: Josh, you bastard! How could you leave me?! And we were about to get married....  
  
Me: Sounds like a personal problem to me...  
  
Tanya: *wipes eyes* I didn't realized I had company -- oh, it's you guys!  
  
(When Tanya, a freshman who goes to our school, realized who we were, she quickly jumped up and gave big hugs to me, Ania, Boberto, and Timoty. Even though she doesn't know Wesley, she still gave him a hug just cuz he felt left out [that's just how she is] )  
  
Me: Tanya, what were you crying about? Why did Josh leave you?  
  
Boberto: Idiot  
  
Tanya: Oh, no it's not like break-up leaving...it's worse....Josh went to the Valley of Corrupted Gravity!  
  
All: Where?  
  
Tanya: Josh got sick of the Eastsiders infesting our town, so he went to the Valley of Corrupted Gravity -- the Eastsiders' hideout -- to try and force the gang out of town! But I TOLD him that he can't reason with the gang! Plus, I'm more likely to force them out than HE is!  
  
Ania: Yeah, little miss soccer star, that kick of yours is pretty lethal  
  
Wesley: When did Josh leave?  
  
Tanya: I went to run some errands this morning and he was gone before I got back -- he left me this letter explaining everything *hands Wesley the letter*  
  
Wesley: *intentively reads the letter* Well, what do you want me to do with it?  
  
Tanya: Could you guys take it to the mayor? He's Josh's dad! He lives just across town!  
  
Me: We'll get Josh back for you  
  
Tanya: You will?! Oh, thank you! *Hugs all*  
  
(Once we leave Tanya's house...)  
  
Timoty: That was a loaded promise you gave Tanya  
  
Wesley: Yeah, what about Jimbo? And my Dragoon Spirit?  
  
Me: Calm down, boys....if we go to the Valley of Corrupted Gravity and confront the gang, then it'll lead us right to you're Dragoon Spirit.  
  
Wesley: Ooooooohhhhh....  
  
Me: See, I told ya I was smart  
  
Ania: Alright, smart one, what about Jimbo?  
  
Me: We can figure that out later. Let's go see the mayor.  
  
(And so we, uh...go see the mayor. ::wow::)  
  
Butler: *in a snobbing, British accent* May I help you?  
  
Wesley: We hafta see the mayor  
  
Butler: I'm sorry chaps, it is impossible for you to see the mayor. He is very preoccupied at the moment. His son has recently disappeared.  
  
Me: Yeah. We know. That's why we're here.  
  
Wesley: Yeah, we got his letter here *hands him the letter*  
  
Butler: *reads the letter* Oh, yes yes, come in. Your Mayorness, sir...  
  
All: Mayorness....??  
  
[Yes I made up a word. Got a problem with that? *Prepares the lightening bolts*]  
  
All: No. Of course not  
  
[Thought so]  
  
Mayor: Yes, Jeeves?  
  
Boberto: Is that seriously his name?  
  
Maynor: Haha, no no I just like to tease him like that....isn't that right Benson?  
  
Butler: ugh...Yes...but, sir, these young people have a letter from your son, Josh.  
  
Mayor: What?! *Reads letter* Damn! It's been six months since this damn gang arrived, and FINALLY someone takes action....but, why does it have to be MY son?!  
  
Butler: Your language, sir!  
  
Mayor: Oh shut your pretentious ass!  
  
All: _- That's harsh  
  
Mayor: So sorry, I'm just...so worried about Josh!  
  
Butler: Understandable. I suggest we gather the city's troops and send them after Josh.  
  
Me: Well that's stupid. Who'll protect the town then?  
  
Wesley: Tina's right --  
  
Me: Of course I am....you guys are slow learners, aren't you?  
  
Wesley: Um, riiight....we'll go after Josh  
  
Mayor: But, the Valley of Corrupted Gravity is very dangerous...no one comes out alive! Oh, god...  
  
Wesley: I think we can take care of ourselves.  
  
Mayor: Well, you have to go and get premission from King Zior to go there anyways.  
  
Timoty: So it's back to Fletz with us, eh?  
  
Me: Oh, yeah the police force there will LOVE that....  
  
Ania: Don't worry, we'll bring Josh back alive.  
  
Mayor: I hope so....show them the door, Butler  
  
Boberto: It's quite alright, we can see the door just fine *all leave*  
  
(And now we're walking down the stairs, ready to leave Donau until....)  
  
???: HEY!!! Alky!!! You mind taking you're hand off my ass?!?!  
  
All: Who the f*ck....  
  
Wesley: Ah, HELL no!!  
  
(So who exactly screamed the word "alky?" And what exactly does the word "alky" mean? Haha, you hafta wait till I post the next chapter!!!)  
  
Me: Dammit, I hate cliff hangers. 


	15. Chapter 14: Bout Time You Showed Up!

Author's Note: Woulda updated sooner, but my computer is on drugs. This is a chapter, mostly devouted to the ladies. Ex-girlfriends of one confused Dragoon unite against him, sexual harassers are punished -- severely -- and we discover that unfortunately, some men are immuned to our "feminine charm" *cough* yeah, that's it.... Did I mention there's mallets in this chapter?  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD and I don't know the meaning of the word "alky" so sorry  
  
Chapter 14: Bout Time You Showed Up!  
  
Wesley: Tina, you really hate me, don't you?  
  
Me: Hate is such a strong word, Wesley....it's more like I "strongly dislike" you  
  
??: I SAID get your hand offa my ASS!  
  
Gangsta [a different one]: Well you asked for it  
  
Theif: Yeah, I mean look at you, you're barely dressed!  
  
??: That STILL doesn't give you the right to touch my ASS! *Takes a mallet and beats the crap outta the two guys*  
  
Gangsta and Theif: x_x  
  
(Okay, okay, I think it's about time for me to reveal the identity of the barely-dressed mallet-wielding girl)  
  
Nikole: Oh, hey guys!  
  
Ania: It's bout time you showed up!  
  
Wesley: Great. You give my other ex-girlfriend a MALLET?! It's bad enough that you arm yourself with a sword....  
  
[Yes, Nikole went out with Wesley...just after I did in fact It's really funny actually.....]  
  
Nikole: *twirls mallet* This is gunna be fuuuunn....but Tina, what the hell did you do to my hair?  
  
[Nikole is very dark-skinned, much of which you can see now that she has donned the traditional Meru ballet costume. And she usually has dark hair, but for the sake of the game, her hair is platinum]  
  
Boberto: Hair just like Jimbos....  
  
Wesley: *stiffles a chuckle*  
  
Nikole: Need I remind you that I have a mallet...?  
  
Ania: So what are you doing here?  
  
Nikole: Same thing you are. I heard that you guys are going to Fletz to get permission to go to confront the Eastsiders. So I'm coming with you  
  
Wesley: WHY?! I can't have TWO ex-girlfriends traveling with me!  
  
Timoty: Oh get over it, you're not getting our sympathy  
  
Boberto: *nods in agreement*  
  
Wesley: Why?! What about brotherhood? We have to stick together against them! *Points to me, Ania, and Nikole*  
  
Girls: *death glare*  
  
Timoty: Because Nikole and Tina are nice to me and Boberto  
  
Boberto: Plus they're hot  
  
[I'm so vain I bet I think this story's about me...]  
  
Ania: HEY!  
  
Boberto: Oh yeah and Ania's....nice looking...*cough*  
  
Nikole: As much as I love to be complimented, we really should get going to Fletz. You guys can fill me in with what you've been doing on the way *exits*  
  
Me: Who gave her the idea that she's in charge?  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(We go through the Barrens AGAIN to get to Fletz, and we recapped our journey to Nikole. So, we go back to Fletz and we have a little run-in with a royal pain)  
  
Citizen: Oh, shit, here comes Princess Andrea!  
  
Citizen 2: Run! Hide! I'm too young to diiiiiiiiee!!!!!!  
  
Boberto: Don't you think they're exaggerating just a little?  
  
Princess Andrea: HEY! Who the hell said "oh shit here comes Princess Andrea"? Who said it? WHO SAID IT?!  
  
*Cricket chirping*  
  
Me: DAMN THE CRICKETS! *Runs around, frantically stomping on the ground*  
  
Princess Andrea: Fine, if that's how you are going to be......Bodyguard!  
  
Bodyguard: Yes, Your Highness?  
  
Princess Andrea: You know what to do  
  
Bodyguard: Yes, Your Highness *shoots into the crowd*  
  
Random Guy: *dies*  
  
Boberto: Maybe not....  
  
Princess Andrea: You peasants bore me. I'm retiring back to the Castle. AND IF ANYONE DECIDES TO CELEBRATE MY DEPARTURE.....  
  
Bodyguard: *cocks his rifle*  
  
Citizens: *monotone, robotic voice* Oh, Princess Andrea we are so sad and depressed that you are leaving. We don't know what to do with ourselves, we're so sad.  
  
Princess Andrea: That's better *goes back to the Castle*  
  
Wesley: Damn whadda royal bitch  
  
Boberto: But this is so strange....Andrea is usually so sweet and nice  
  
[Andrea goes to same school as me, Timoty, Boberto, and Ania and she went to middle school with Timoty and Boberto]  
  
Timoty: Yeah, that certainly was....weird....  
  
(We eventually get over it, and we go right up to the Castle gate to try and get an appointment with the King)  
  
Nikole: *to the gatekeeper* We need to see King Zior  
  
Me and Wesley: Oh shit...  
  
Officer: Hehehe, I got a promotion....and NO you cannot get into the Castle. NOBODY goes into the Castle, especially YOU TWO *points to Wesley and me*  
  
Me: Aw, c'mon can't you just make an exception for us? I mean, we're not REALLY jewerly theives and underage drinkers...*nervous laughter*  
  
Wesley: I really didn't take anything from the jewerly shop...it was all a joke....*nervous chuckle*  
  
Officer: *death glare* Unless by some miracle you can get an honest person to vouch for you, I'm not letting you in  
  
Boberto: It's all bling bling, I'm the King of Serdio.  
  
Officer: Like hell you are -- that lie didn't work last night and it won't work today. I said an HONEST person to vouch for you  
  
Me: Haven't you ever heard the expression "innocent until proven guilty"?  
  
Officer: No, this is a medievel society  
  
Ania: Leave this to me...this is a woman's job *walks up to the Officer seductively*  
  
Officer: *raised eyebrow*  
  
Ania: Well, hello there Officer *wink wink wink wink*  
  
Officer: Ma'am, do you have something in your eye?  
  
Ania: Oh, no of course not! *Fake laugh* but I think I have something on my mouth *wipes her mouth provocatively*  
  
Officer: You have nothing on your mouth, ma'am and I am not easily swayed by girls who lick their fingers suggestively.  
  
Ania: *pouts* He must be gay....let's go guys he's not gunna crack  
  
Nikole: Damn, what did you two do?!  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Wesley: Ok, we need an honest person --  
  
Boberto: BUT I REALLY AM THE KING OF SERDIO!  
  
Me: We know. It's okay  
  
Wesley: As I was saying, we need to find someone to vouch for us to get us into the Castle and talk with the king.  
  
Me: I've just come up with a new epithet for you -- Wesley, the one with a big sword and little brain  
  
All: What's an epithet?  
  
Me: It's a flowery nickname the Greeks liked to use, like "Dawn with her rose-red fingers in 'The Odyssey'" Didn't you learn anything in freshmen English?  
  
All: No.  
  
Wesley: Well I got one for you -- Tina, the one with a big mouth and little heart  
  
Nikole: OOH! OOH!! Can I make one up too?!?!  
  
All: .....  
  
Me: Knock yourself out  
  
Nikole: Okay, okay, UMMMMM.......Boberto, the King of the Bling-Bling!  
  
Boberto: Hellllssss yes....  
  
Nikole: I HAVE ANOTHER!!!!! Timoty, the old guy who really isn't!!! ^_^  
  
Timoty: She must have the same drugs that Cristy has.  
  
Me: ..... I'm afraid. I'm going to leave now.  
  
(Nikole is now being possesed by the spirit of Meru, like Leroy was earlier by Kongol. God save us all. While she bounced and twirled behind us, we searched the town of Fletz [again] to find a...um, voucher?)  
  
Wesley: Well, who can vouch for us?  
  
[Vouch....my new favorite word]  
  
Boberto: Tina, what bout your sister?  
  
Me: Nah, she might have another....outburst....  
  
*Enter the gem shop*  
  
Binchenzo: Oooooooh.....big telescope.....I guess I can afford it...if I don't eat for a month. Decisions, decisions  
  
Wesley: Binchenzo?  
  
Binchenzo: Oh! It's you guys. And I see you have a new friend  
  
Nikole: NIKOLE!! *Twirls*  
  
Boberto: The one who is on very strong drugs  
  
Binchenzo: Um, es un placer  
  
Nikole: El gusto es mio ^_^  
  
Binchenzo: So what brings you back to Fletz?  
  
Boberto: We need a voucher  
  
Binchenzo: Voucher?  
  
Wesley: Hey, I'm the only one allowed to repeat things  
  
Me: We need to talk with the king. And don't you work in the Castle or something....?  
  
Binchenzo: Yes, I do, but I'm running errands right now. So you'll hafta wait *leaves shop*  
  
All: *blink blink*  
  
Nikole: How wooude! *Pouts*  
  
Ania: I'm the only one allowed to pout *pouts*  
  
Nikole: POUTING CONTEST!!!!!!!!  
  
Ania and Nikole: *pouts*  
  
The rest of us: *blink blink* ::wow::  
  
[Like I said, God save us all]  
  
(Well, while the girls have their little "contest" me and the boys go and follow Binchenzo out into the square where he is just standing there, pretending to look busy. Right behind Binchenzo is the Officer, our favorite person in the world)  
  
Wesley: I thought you had errands  
  
Binchenzo: I do. See, I'm getting my groceries *takes an apple and examines it*  
  
Apple Vender: You better buy that.  
  
Officer: *glares*  
  
Me and Wesley: *nervous wave*  
  
Timoty: Well, can or can't you get us into the Castle?  
  
Binchenzo: Of course I can get you into the Castle....but I have to pick up something from my house first. Follow me  
  
Me: But we're right in front of the gate!! Can't you just let us in NOW?!  
  
Binchenzo: No. I'm stalling just to piss you off. Now follow me.  
  
All: *follows, with me cursing under my breath*  
  
Ania and Nikole: *still pouting*  
  
Boberto: Should we go get them?  
  
Wesley: Nah, they'll be there a while....we can come back for them when we go into the Castle.  
  
(Now we're back in Binchenzo's house and the clock chimes again.)  
  
Binchenzo: Now we can go into the Castle.  
  
All: {Weirdo}  
  
(And now we are back at the Castle and whadda ya know?)  
  
Ania and Nikole: *still pouting*  
  
Wesley: Alright girls time to go into the Castle  
  
Nikole: CASTLE!!!!!! Can I meet Prince Charming there?!  
  
Ania: HAHAHAHA I win!!! *Victory dance*  
  
Me: There is no such man as Prince Charming *growls*  
  
Nikole: No, no, no, Tina you need to pout! Like this *pouts*  
  
Me: I. Don't. Pout.  
  
Nikole: Fine then....be that way X-P  
  
Officer: What the hell do you want?  
  
Binchenzo: It's okay. They're with me.  
  
Officer: *growls* Fine, you can go in...but I'm watching you!  
  
Me and Wesley: *smuggly walk into the Castle*  
  
(A talk...with the King! This better be more interesting than the talk we had with Boberto in chapter 4)  
  
Boberto: I resent that.  
  
Second Author's Note: And the mystery of the meaning of the word "alky" remains as such. Dammit, where's my dictionary?! 


	16. Chapter 15: Royal Brat

Author's Note: This is kinda another chapter where we don't do much, not the best chapter if you ask me...kinda having a bit of writers block. But at least I'm outta school!! *Cheers* Well, thanks for the reviews and hope this doesn't suck too much.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD or Sony or any of that shit.  
  
Chapter 15: Royal Brat  
  
(After winning over the gatekeeper -- )  
  
Boberto: Yeah, if that's what you wanna call it then go ahead  
  
Timoty: We are NEVER using Ania again as a "negotiator"  
  
Ania: My "negotiating" skills are just fine  
  
All: Suuuuure they are  
  
Me: You do know that we are using the word "negotiation" as a euphenism for seducing, right Wesley?  
  
Wesley: I KNOW! I KNOW!  
  
( -- we walked into the Twin Castle, with Binchenzo, the party pooper, in the lead)  
  
Wesley: *walks to the right*  
  
Binchenzo: Can't go that way  
  
Wesley: *walks to the left*  
  
Binchenzo: Can't go that way, either  
  
Wesley: Then where CAN I go?  
  
Binchenzo: Straight.  
  
Wesley: *reaches out to touch a statue of a very regal-looking dead guy*  
  
Binchenzo: AND DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING EITHER!  
  
Wesley: Party pooper  
  
(That's just what I said. And we enter the throne room)  
  
King Leif: Binchenzo, you are here finally. Alona's been waiting for over...uh...five minutes...  
  
Binchenzo: .... yeesss well, I will go tend to her, but first my friends have a request  
  
King Leif: Oh, good I thought I was seeing things. So what do you want?  
  
Wesley: We want to go to the Valley of Corrupted Gravity.  
  
King Leif: Why does everyone suddenly wanna go to the Valley of Corrupted Gravity?! Just the other day, some kid from Donau wanted the same thing.  
  
Wesley: Well, that's one of the reasons we wanna go....to go save the kid from Donau and to retrieve something the gang stole from me  
  
King Leif: You DO know the dangers that you face? Not only will you face the Eastsiders, but also warped gravity  
  
Nikole: That sounds like fuuuuunnn.....  
  
King Leif: *raised eyebrow*  
  
Wesley: We understand perfectly. Plus, if we run into any trouble, Tina can just insult them to death  
  
Me: I'm confused...was he complimenting me, or insulting me?  
  
King Leif: Well...alright, you can go. Guard! Bring them a pass  
  
Guard: *hands Wesley a pass*  
  
Me: Hey, that looks like my school's athletic pass!  
  
King Leif: It's getting late, and since I established the city's curfew you six should probably stay in the Castle.  
  
Nikole: And can we go wherever we want?  
  
King Leif: Basically...  
  
All: WOHOO!! *Runs out*  
  
King Leif: *blink blink* Okay then  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Nikole: Well, PHOOEY!! Those damn guards won't let us go ANYWHERE!!!  
  
Guards: You'd better watch your mouth, missy  
  
Nikole: X-P  
  
Wesley: We might as well get outta here --  
  
Lady-in-waiting: Wait!  
  
All: What?  
  
Lady: King Boberto, wait!  
  
Boberto: Helllllss yes, SOMEBODY finally believes me!  
  
Lady: Princess Alona wishes to speak with you and your companions. She's just upstairs, follow me.  
  
Me: *while following the Lady-in-waiting* But how did the princess know that Boberto's a king?  
  
Lady: Princess Alona has the ability to read people's future by looking at the stars *opens the door to Princess Alona's room*  
  
Alona: Thank you, Libira, you are dismissed.  
  
Wesley: But how does reading Boberto's future help you figure out his status as king?  
  
Alona: Astrology is much more than reading the future.  
  
Wesley: Astronomy?  
  
Alona: Astro-LOGY.  
  
Wesley: Well, what's the difference?  
  
Alona: Do I seriously have to explain it to this guy?  
  
Me: You can probably ignore him, he'll forget bout it in a couple of minutes anyway  
  
Wesley: I'm RIGHT HERE you know!  
  
Me: I know.  
  
Boberto: So what did you want to talk to us about, Alona?  
  
Alona: It's about my sister, Andrea  
  
Wesley: Princess Andrea?!  
  
Alona: ...yes.... you see, she's never been mean or snobby, but suddenly after a horse-riding accident six months ago Andrea's taken on a whole new personality!  
  
Nikole: Six months ago....HEY! that's when the Eastsiders first showed up in Donau!  
  
Alona: Yes, and in Fletz as well  
  
Ania: Wait a minute, SIX MONTHS?! How long have we been in this stupid game?!  
  
Me: You never really know...I can never figure out the time frame in this game....  
  
Timoty: So what do you want us to do about your sister's transformation?  
  
Alona: You guys are going to the Valley of Corrupted Gravity, right?  
  
All: *nods*  
  
Alona: When you confront the gang there, I want you to find out the relationship between Andrea and the Eastsiders  
  
Wesley: Relationship between Andrea and the Eastsiders?  
  
Alona: Is there an ECHO in my room that I've never known about?! Or is someone just being really annoying?!  
  
Wesley: It's in the job description! I don't repeat people in real life! It's all Dart!  
  
Dart: HEY!  
  
[Dart, go away]  
  
Dart: Sorry *lowers head and leaves*  
  
Timoty: Where do they all keep coming from?  
  
Me: Beats me  
  
Alona: Wait, I have more! The stars keep telling me "never hand over the moon"  
  
Me: Maybe the stars can tell you why I'm friends with these people  
  
All cept me: We love you too, Tina  
  
Me: I know you do :-D  
  
Alona: Well, back to MY problem...I assume the stars are talking about the Moon Dagger, the Divine Moon Object of Tiberoa, which is to be handed down to Andrea on her next birthday  
  
All: And when's that?  
  
Alona: Very soon  
  
Boberto: The Moon Gem of Serdio was stolen by Jimbo, so maybe there's a connection between Andrea and the gang and Jimbo  
  
Alona: So will you help me?  
  
All: Sure, why not we have nothing better to do.  
  
Alona: Great! Now, I think dinner's ready so why don't you all come to the dining hall...I bet you haven't had a decent cooked meal in a while...  
  
All: *drools* FOOD!!! *Runs out to the dining hall*  
  
Alona: Alrighty then  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Wesley, Nikole, Ania, Timoty, Boberto, Alona, Binchenzo, and I are now sitting quietly at the banquet table, with King Leif at the head and just across from him sits Andrea, scarfing down her food like there's no tomorrow)  
  
All: _-  
  
Wesley: She's dribbling a bit  
  
Me: How graceful  
  
King Leif: *nervous chuckle* I guess when girls get close to their birthdays, they suddenly aquire a very big appetite  
  
Wesley: I thought that only happened during PMS  
  
All girls: *chucks forks at Wesley*  
  
Wesley: Ack! *Ducks*  
  
Timoty: Another reason why you don't have our sympathy  
  
Boberto: *nods in agreement*  
  
Binchenzo: Oh, where are my manners? Princess Andrea --  
  
Andrea: Binchenzo, YOU'RE still here? You still teaching Alona all that star crap?  
  
Wesley: She's ruder than Tina  
  
Me: You know, there ARE people meaner than me  
  
Binchenzo: *ignore* Well, um, Princess Andrea these are --  
  
Andrea: *points to Wesley, Boberto, and Timoty* What are their names?  
  
Binchenzo: Wesley, Boberto, and Timoty...but you know Boberto and Timoty already  
  
Andrea: I do?  
  
All: *nod* They went to middle school with you  
  
Andrea: OH! That's right...I'm sorry, the shock from the game just kinda made me forgot....  
  
Binchenzo: Right, well the others are --  
  
Andrea: Did I ASK about the others?!  
  
Binchenzo: No  
  
Andrea: Then don't TELL me about them  
  
Me, Nikole, and Ania: Oh no she didn't  
  
King Leif: You know they're going to the Valley of Corrupted Gravity tomorrow? To go confront the Eastsiders....apparently they took something very valuable to them  
  
Andrea: *drops her fork and stares for a moment* Really? Wow, that's uh, fascinating....I -- *picks up her fork* Stupid daredevils  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(In the bedroom)  
  
Nikole: Well that feast SUCKED!  
  
Ania: Tell me about it! I didn't get to eat my fair share, and Andrea IGNORED me!!  
  
Boberto: And that was strange how she didn't recognize Timoty and me  
  
Ania: *yawn* I'm tired, I'm going to bed now *lies down on the nearest bed*  
  
Boberto: Me too *lies down in the bed across from hers*  
  
Nikole: *bounces on the bed next to Ania's* What are YOU looking at?  
  
[This is where the Haschel within Timoty comes out temporarily]  
  
Timoty: You just remind me of Claire. Except, she was much more mature  
  
Wesley: Ya really miss her, don't ya?  
  
Timoty: Ya, I just wish I could see her in a wedding dress  
  
Nikole: You can see ME in a wedding dress! I would look totally beautiful, wouldn't I, Wesley?! ^_^  
  
Wesley: Yeah...sure...  
  
Nikole: I don't like the way you said that! *Smack*  
  
Wesley: Ow! I was just kidding!  
  
Nikole: You better have been....don't you think I would look beautiful in a wedding dress, Tina?! I think you would look good in a wedding dress, too! Whadya say to that?! :-D  
  
Me (who is leaning against a bed post, in traditional Rose-fashion): *hurt, angry glare* I'm going to bed *lies down in the furthest bed, with my face turned to the wall*  
  
Timoty: Can I come too? Hehe  
  
Me: Shut up *pulls covers over face*  
  
Nikole: Now look what you did, Timoty!  
  
Timoty: I don't understand, what did I say?  
  
Wesley: I wouldn't worry about it, she can get very emotional very quickly. Well, I'm turning in...you guys should too. We got a big day ahead of us.  
  
Nikole: That is, if the hype concerning the Valley of Corrupted Gravitiy turns out to be true  
  
Wesley: Good night Nikole, Timoty  
  
Nikole and Timoty: Good night 


	17. Chapter 16: There Goes My Sanity, Floati...

Author's Note: Damn this writer's block!! It's only the second week of summer and my brain's already fried...actually, it's been fried since after Christmas break....sorry about the seriousness of the last chapter, and this one has some seriousness in it too. There are some funny parts in here....I think....but it's short, which is either a good or bad thing. Hmm, interesting.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD. Well, technically, I own a copy of the game LoD, but you know what I mean  
  
Chapter 16: There Goes My Sanity, Floating Away with the Rocks  
  
(At the entrance to the Valley of Corrupted Sanity)  
  
Guard: Can I help you folks?  
  
Wesley and Me: Oh god not another one....  
  
Ania: You two DON'T SAY A THING  
  
Boberto: Could you open the gate for us? We have a pass from the King here *hands him the pass*  
  
Guard: *examines the pass* It seems to be in order...ok -- HEY JOE!! OPEN THE GATE!!  
  
Other Guard (Joe): It's always gotta be about YOU! Maybe I DON'T like to be ordered around while your lazy ass is down there drinking coffee!!  
  
Guard: Will you just open the damn gate?! *To us* Sorry, he has some issues  
  
All: *raised eyebrow*  
  
Joe: Well, if you're gunna take that tone with me...  
  
Ania: I'll take care of this --  
  
All: NO!  
  
Timoty: What did we say bout your "negotation" skills?!  
  
Ania: *death glare*  
  
Guard: Um, I could just go up there and --  
  
Me: Don't bother, I can handle this -- HEY JOE *draws sword* You want us to drive the Eastsiders out of Tiberoa, YES?!  
  
Joe: Uh...yeah  
  
Me: *gesturing with my sword* THEN DON'T MAKE ME COME UP THERE AND OPEN THE GATE MYSELF!!! You won't like me when I get irritated.  
  
Wesley: Which is ALL THE TIME  
  
Joe: Geez, all you had to do was ask...*opens the gate*  
  
All: *growls*  
  
Guard: Uh...I would say "be careful folks" but it seems like you guys have a good bodyguard there...  
  
Wesley: *whispers to the guard* She's more a curse than a blessing  
  
Me: You wanna say that to my face, Wesley?! *Points sword in his direction*  
  
Wesley: No ma'am  
  
Me: Uh, huh *sheaths sword*  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(We enter the Valley of Corrupted Gravity to find chunks of rocks floating in the multi-colored air and huge trees with their roots exposed. Yet, we are planting firmly to the ground)  
  
Boberto: Why is that?  
  
Nikole: OOH!! I bet I can fly here!! Watch me! *jumps off the side of the cliff*  
  
All: OMG NIKOLE!!!  
  
Nikole: *laughs, and remerges on a rock floating upward toward us* You guys worry too much....just because I wear a tutu and have become an instant blond, doesn't mean I'm stupid enough to jump to my death!!  
  
All: DON'T DO THAT AGAIN!!!  
  
Ania: So what do you think happened here?  
  
Me: It's obvious -- the great magical clash of Winglies and Dragoons threw off the balance of nature in this valley and caused the gravity to become warped.  
  
Ania: Thanks, smart ass.  
  
Me: Your welcome  
  
(The Valley of Corrupted Gravity is not one of my favorite places -- it's very annoying to maneuver. You go upside down, sideways, forwards, backwards, down, up -- )  
  
Me: I think I'm gunna be sick...  
  
(Don't worry, I see a save point up ahead)  
  
Nikole, Boberto, Timoty: WTF IS THAT?! *Points to a statue inbedded in the stone*  
  
Ania: Oh god...*covers head* It's calling me again....  
  
Me: Another Virage....and this one isn't missing any body parts, either  
  
Nikole: What's a Virage?  
  
Me: God, not another explanation -- okay, well ya know how the Humans used Dragoons in the Dragon Campaign? Well, the Winglies --  
  
Ania: We don't have time! This one's mad *ground rumbles* AND awake! We hafta retreat!  
  
Welsey: *draws sword* I don't think we have a choice  
  
*Screen dissolves, battle begins*  
  
(Just because this Virage is fully assembled, don't let it intimate you! Just attack the head, and it'll be dead [oo! That rhymes!]. Although this Virage has more potent attacks than the one in the Volcano Villude. One of them is one of those "can't combant" attacks, which automatically kills one of your characters -- dammit, I hate that attack!! Another attack the Virage likes is to confuse, frighten, and/or bewitch all of your players at the same time, so really all you can do is watch as the Dragoons guard, attack themselves and each other, and try to run away until the ailments expire in three turns or so)  
  
[Nice teamwork, guys]  
  
(Of course, the actual battle isn't important -- it's the post battle that counts)  
  
Wesley: *end-of-battle-Dart-move* Okay, I think it's dead, let's go  
  
[You always seem to speak too soon, don't you?]  
  
Wesley: What does that mean?  
  
Virage: *wakes up and lunges for Ania*  
  
All: WHY DON'T THESE THING EVER DIE?!?!?!  
  
Wesley: Ania, look out!!  
  
(Like in the Limestone Cave, Ania unwillingly emulates a blue beam from her body and a large insignia appears on her forehead. This forces the Virage off the edge of the cliff, falling to his doom while hitting his head on a couple of floating rocks)  
  
Nikole: Well that was strange  
  
Wesley: That's like the second time you've done that!  
  
Ania: I know! I know!  
  
Me: Ania, what are you to Virage?  
  
Ania: I don't know!  
  
Timoty: So first you know, and now you don't?  
  
Ania: I guess....*sigh* There goes my sanity, floating away with the rocks...  
  
Me: You got THAT right  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Wesley: Okay, we should reach the Eastsider's lair in no time at all -- wait a minute, where's the rest of the valley?  
  
All: *jaws drop*  
  
Nikole: You mean, we crossed that ENTIRE valley and the gang's hideout isn't even HERE?!  
  
Wesley: It, uh, looks like it  
  
All: *collapses to the ground, Anime style*  
  
Me: Wesley, maybe you shouldn't talk at all -- I mean, whatever comes out of your mouth is either the direct OPPOSITE of what's really going on, repeating someone else's EXACT words, or an overly obvious phrase!!  
  
Wesley: Well, if I became a mute, then who would you have to torture?  
  
Me: Don't you try that with me, mister!  
  
Wesley: hehehe 


	18. Chapter 17: I KNEW Those Were Fake!

Author's Note: Did anyone notice that at the beginning of my latest chapter, I wrote "Valley of Corrupted Sanity" instead of "Valley of Corrupted Gravity"? Isn't the corrupted sanity one the name of someone else's fanfic? I think it is and to its author (I forgot who) -- I'm sorry!! I totally did NOT mean to do that!!! Woulda updated sooner, but I was reading Harry Potter!! Okay, maybe it was just writer's block...but it just seems easier to blame Harry Potter.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD -- don't you get it already?!  
  
Chapter 17: I KNEW Those Were Fake!  
  
(We enter the deserted Home of Gigantos...well, except for that little theif scurrying up the stairs)  
  
Wesley: HEY!! PUNK!! Come back here and fight like a man!! *Arrow strikes him* Glock!  
  
All: ...glock...?  
  
Boberto: I suggest we proceed with caution while in the Home of Gigantos  
  
Me: Ya think?!  
  
(We duck into the structure to the left of us, and find some items and a shiny little button)  
  
Me: Do you really think we should let Wesley touch that?  
  
Wesley: Haha, very funny. *Pushes button*  
  
(At first, it doesn't seem that much happened, but I'll let you [the Readers] in on a little secret)  
  
Readers: Oooooh...secret...  
  
(The button shuts off the arrows that fire at you in the beginning)  
  
Readers: ::wow::  
  
(Yeah, I know, reeeaal juicy stuff. Onward, into the Home of Gigantos...)  
  
Wesley: I wonder if we'll find any Gigantos here in their natural habitat  
  
Me: {Baby steps....}  
  
Nikole: Um...there might be a problem -- Gigantos are EXTINCT!  
  
Ania: 'Cept Leroy, he's still alive  
  
Timoty: Well, what are the chances that the ONLY Giganto in the land is in the EXACT same spot as we are?  
  
Me: You'd be surprised...  
  
(As we continue our stroll through the Home, we ascended up the stairs and came to what appeared to be an open gate. Until....)  
  
Wesley: *another arrow strikes him* Glock!  
  
Me: I thought we turned off that thing!  
  
(Another overpass, more theives)  
  
Theif 1: We're surprised you bustas made it this far!  
  
Boberto: There's gotta be like, 20 guys up there!  
  
Nikole: *counts on her fingers* 20 on six...yup, I think we can take 'em - -WHAT?! Stop looking at me like that  
  
Boberto: If YOU wanna take on 20 guys, then be my guest.  
  
Wesley: Tina, since you know everything -- why don't you come up with a way to beat these guys!  
  
Me: Well, there is the option of running -- *sprints toward the open gate*  
  
(However, the theives thought the same thing and they roll a boulder in front of the gate.)  
  
Wesley: Brillant, Tina  
  
Me: ExCUSE me? Did I hear any genius plans from your lips on this situation?!  
  
Boberto: I got one!! Retreat!  
  
Timoty: Oh, so we're gunna be pussies and run?  
  
Ania: Of course not --  
  
(Ania was the only one of us to notice the 20 theives cheering loudly as one of the gangstas paraded on the overpass, flipping off it to block our second point of retreat.)  
  
Ania: -- he won't let us.  
  
(We stood around like idiots while the theives jeered and the gangsta threatened us with pretzel-like poses, which puzzled the five of us, but shocked Timoty)  
  
Wesley: Is that supposed to scare us?  
  
Me: *tilts head slightly to the right* I wanna know how he can get his legs to bend like that...  
  
Timoty: Where did you learn those poses?!  
  
Gangsta: That don't concern you, old man!  
  
Timoty: Those are sacred poses, known only to students and masters of the Rouge School of Martial Arts!! Where you taught by a woman warrior named Claire?!  
  
Gangsta: Hell nah! DJ Puppy Chow taught us all our gangsta moves yo  
  
Wesley, Nikole, and Ania: Puppy...chow...?  
  
Me, Boberto, and Timoty: Oh god...  
  
Gangsta: I'm sure DJ would love to show ya his moves...too bad imma gunna kill y'all first!  
  
All: Oh, were have we heard THAT before?  
  
*Screen dissolves, battle begins*  
  
(Yeah, too bad all the gangsta can really do is kick you. Oh, the pain. And his little theif brothas aren't that great either -- slash us with a knife or steal some gold. The gangsta doesn't even die!!)  
  
Gangsta: *cowering on the ground, much like Yellow Hat in the Barrens*  
  
Me: Good thing Wesley doesn't have anything else valuable for them to steal.  
  
Wesley: *eyes still on the gangsta, flips me off*  
  
Me: That wasn't nice  
  
Timoty: Where is Puppy Chow?! Take me to him!  
  
Nikole: The Petco down by my house has a real good deal on all dog products!!  
  
All: Shut up!  
  
Nikole: *lip quivers* Just trying to help...  
  
Gangsta: Puppy Chow...is...uh...that way! *Points to the boulder, then runs*  
  
Theives on the overpass: *flee*  
  
Me: *sheaths rapier* Well THAT was a waste of time.  
  
Ania: Who's this Puppy Chow?  
  
Timoty: A former student of mine -- he left the Rouge School just before Claire did....once he learned that he would never be head Master at the school, he split. He probably also thought I was too suffocating and hard on him.  
  
Nikole: Now what does that say about your teaching skills, Timmy?  
  
Timoty: Timmy?  
  
Me: *smirk* Cute nickname  
  
Wesley: Does this Puppy Chow have my Dragoon Spirit?  
  
Nikole: And Josh too?  
  
Timoty: Probably.  
  
Wesley: Well, then someone help me move this boulder! *Starts to run toward the boulder*  
  
Timoty: *holds him back* That won't be necessary *struts up to the boulder* I'll show you what the REAL Rouge School of Martial Arts can do.  
  
(Timoty doubles over, his fist shaking violently. The screen around him goes black, except for a rippling pool at his feet [what that is, I do not know]. The traditional "aarrrggh!" is muttered before Timoty thrusts his fist at the boulder. He really only punches it once, but it looks like he's attacked it from various angles, trying to look all Matrix-like. The background returns to normal and Timoty slowly pulls his hand behind his back. The boulder before us at first, remains untouched, but after a few moments a large crack creeped up the middle of the huge stone. Instead of it breaking into many chunks, it just sank into the ground as if the ground opened it up and swallowed it. Timoty finally turned to face the rest of us)  
  
All except Timoty: *golf clap*  
  
Timoty: *modest bow* Shall we go then?  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Beyond the boulder wasn't as impressive as we expected. A temple, a mine, and a hole in the ground.)  
  
Ania: How boring!  
  
Wesley: We might as well search this mine  
  
Timoty: *sits down and holds head* Ya know what guys, I think that little boulder thing mighta drained my energy -- I think I'll just wait outside here until you guys return  
  
Wesley: Alright then  
  
Nikole: I'll stay with ya, Timmy! So you won't get lonely! *Sits down next to him*  
  
Timoty: *curses under his breath*  
  
Me: And for his protection, ya never know when the gangstas will return. Okay, let's go *disappears into the mine*  
  
(Once we were all gone, Timoty placed a hand on Nikole's bare neck)  
  
Nikole: Oooh...Timmy's getting frisky, eh? *Giggle*  
  
(Instead, Timoty placed pressure with his thumb and forefinger on one of her nerves, rendering her unconscious.)  
  
Timoty: Sorry about that Nikole....*races into the temple*  
  
(Perfect timing -- once Timoty disappeared into the temple, the rest of us reappeared from the mines to find Nikole face-first in the dirt)  
  
Wesley: Nothing but Rock Fireflies -- what the?! Nikole! *Props her against a stone*  
  
Ania: Nikole, can you hear us? *Shakes her conscious*  
  
Nikole: Huh? Wha....oh, I musta been attacked or something -- where's Timmy?  
  
Boberto: Whoever attacked you musta taken Timoty hostage!  
  
Me: There's footprints leading up to that temple -- that must be where they keep all their loot and hostages.  
  
Wesley: Then let's go! *Realizes that everyone is halfway into the temple when he said that* Hey, wait for me!  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Inside the temple is a boy with hair so spiky, it could impail human flesh. He slouched on a stone throne, surrounded by lit torches [a Stardust is behind one of those, by the way] and c-walking around the throne is our favorite theif and gangsta, Yellow Hat)  
  
Yellow Hat: *c-walking around the throne* Hahaha, I can't believe those dumb shits from the Barrens followed me here! That stupid little pebble I took must be real valuable yo  
  
DJ Puppy Chow: I bet -- would you STOP doing that?! You're not even doing it right.  
  
Yellow Hat: *still c-walking, just to spite DJ*  
  
DJPC: And take off that stupid hat! *Yanks off his hat*  
  
Yellow Hat: NOOO!! I must have my hat back!! I cannot live without my hat!! *Faints*  
  
DJPC: *throws back his hat* Don't be stupid  
  
Yellow Hat: *strokes his hat* My precious....  
  
(Puppy Chow cracked his knuckles threateningly at Yellow Hat and just as Puppy Chow was about to beat the crap out of his minion, someone stepped into the throne room.)  
  
Timoty: Puppy Chow....tsk tsk, how low you have sank.  
  
DJPC: *gasp* Master!  
  
Yellow Hat: Master?! You take orders from this little bitch?  
  
Timoty: I'd watch my mouth if I were you.  
  
DJPC: I don't take orders from him! I mean, not any more...  
  
Timoty: So you leave my prestigous martial arts instution so that you could sit your ass in the home of a dying culture and order around foul smelling bandits like the midget over there?  
  
Yellow Hat: Who you calling smelly?!  
  
DJPC: Prestigous?! HAH! The Rouge school was a joke, with a joke for a teacher.  
  
Timoty: Let's just settle this once and for all -- you against me, mano a mano  
  
DJPC: Fine with me *tosses a knife into the air*  
  
Yellow Hat: Hehehe, aite boss man I got yo back  
  
Timoty: I said mano a mano -- not mano a stupido  
  
Yellow Hat: You'll pay for that...  
  
DJPC: *holds him back* No, this is between me and him  
  
Wesley: WRONG AGAIN!!  
  
(The rest of us finally show up, weapons drawn, and take our places next to Timoty)  
  
Wesley: You mess with him, you mess with US  
  
Timoty: You guys came here to help me kick ass? *Mock tears* How touching...  
  
Boberto: Don't think it'll happen again  
  
DJPC: HEY!! That's not fair, six on one  
  
Me: Actually, you can only use 3 people in battle so it'll only be three on one  
  
DJPC: Well, in that case YELLOW HAT!! Be useful and fight with me  
  
Yellow Hat: Hehehehe these losers don't know when to quick  
  
*Screen dissolves, battle begins*  
  
(Like in the final battle vs. Swaim, you cannot replace Wesley OR Timoty. This time, if my memory is correct, you attack Yellow Hat/Mappi first 'cause if you don't kill him after a while then he disappears again. This time, Yellow Hat has one of those "cannot combat" attacks [I hate those] and Puppy Chow and Yellow Hat have some pretty lethal combination attacks. After you kill both Yellow Hat and Puppy Chow, Timoty is the one with the special end-of-the-battle-move.)  
  
Timoty: *end-of-battle-move, where he punches Puppy Chow into a statue* Take that!  
  
(Of course, the crumbling old statue couldn't stand up to a 150 pound boy being hurdled at it. One of the massive hands of the statue cracks off and once it falls, it will certainly crush every single one of us to death. But do we run?! Of course not!)  
  
[Dumbasses]  
  
DJPC: *to Timoty* Master! Run!  
  
Boberto: It's hopeless!  
  
(However, instead of the statue crushing us to death, we find our good pal Leroy holding it above his head, Superman-style.)  
  
All: *jaws drop*  
  
Me: What did I tell ya?!  
  
Leroy: Wassup guys! *Cough* I mean....argh? *sets the statue down next to him*  
  
Wesley: But...why?  
  
Leroy: Me tell you after Timoty and Puppy Chow talk.  
  
(And we all turn our attention to Puppy Chow's dying speech to Timoty)  
  
DJPC: Timoty...I'm sorry...I've been a fool....I never shoulda ran away or insulted you...  
  
Timoty: Shh. Don't talk. Talking makes you die  
  
[THE best line of the entire game!]  
  
Nikole: *holds her breath*  
  
DJPC: No, I...hafta tell you something or else...I'll be a real fool...Princess Andrea is a...fake...  
  
All: *gasp*  
  
Me: I KNEW those were fake!  
  
All: *raised eyebrow*  
  
Me: I mean *cough* I knew that SHE was fake...ya...  
  
Timoty: What do you mean? Puppy Chow?  
  
DJPC: *dies*  
  
All: *bows head out of respect*  
  
Timoty: I hafta go bury him, I'll be right back *leaves*  
  
Nikole: *still holding her breath and starting to turn blue*  
  
Ania: What's wrong with you Nikole?  
  
Nikole: *exhales* Well, Timmy said that if you talk then you die *gasp* OH NO I'M GUNNA DIE!!!  
  
All: *smacks their foreheads*  
  
Boberto: Tina, what have you done to her?!  
  
Wesley: Um...ANYWAY -- Leroy, why did you save us a few minutes ago?  
  
Leroy: Because --  
  
Me: Because he likes us too much to let us die! Isn't that right, Leroy? *Pinches his cheeks and pats his face* Besides, if I die then none of y'all go home.  
  
Leroy: Yeah...right...actually *cough* me save you because you defeated Emperor Joel. *To Wesley* You very powerful.  
  
Me: Well I wouldn't say that -- he had a lot of help.  
  
Wesley: You just HAD to shoot me down.  
  
Me: Yup.  
  
Leroy: Why you come here anyway? This is sacred home of Gigantos  
  
Ania: We kinda figured that out already.  
  
Wesley: We came here to rescue Josh and to find something of mine that was stolen.  
  
Leroy: They should be down there *points to a staircase leading underground* You go ahead, me wait here for Timoty.  
  
Wesley: Alright then *sprints down the staircase*  
  
(In the underground storage room)  
  
Nikole: Josh? You down here?  
  
Josh: *from inside a cage* Nikole?! I'm in here!  
  
Nikole: Oh, good your not hurt! Tanya was worried bout you!  
  
Josh: I'm sure, just get me outta here!  
  
Boberto: This is a very puzzling contraption...this could take me HOURS to figure out how to open this...  
  
Me: You could just flip the switch *flips the switch*  
  
Josh: *skips out of the cage* I'M FREE AT LAST!!!  
  
Boberto: Yeah, I knew that...  
  
Wesley: Now where's my Dragoon Spirit?! Oh! Here it is! *Dragoon Spirit shines very brightly*  
  
Me: Seems it's happy to see you...I dunno why, but it is...  
  
Wesley: *pockets Spririt* Just keep your nasty comments to yourself and let's get outta here!  
  
(Back above ground)  
  
Me: Had enough mourning, Timoty?  
  
Timoty: Yeah, I'll get over it.  
  
Leroy: Me come with you  
  
Wesley: What the hell, the more the merrier.  
  
Me: Ugh, cliches...let's go save Tiberoa.  
  
Wesley: Save Tiberoa? From what?  
  
Boberto: Weren't you listening?! Since the princess is a fake that means that the Moon Dagger will be handed down to a complete stranger!  
  
Timoty: Possibly someone working for Jimbo!  
  
Ania: And we dunno what kind of powers the Divine Moon Objects posses!  
  
Me: I don't remember the real cast of LoD being this smart  
  
Wesley: Geez, it was just a simple question  
  
Me: As I was saying...let's go drop off Josh for his wedding and then go save Tiberoa.  
  
(So we gained an unexpected ally and now the seven of us are off to save Tiberoa! But first, we're off to a wedding in Donau)  
  
Little Girl in Donau: Here comes the happy couple!  
  
(So the new Mr and Mrs Josh and Tanya come out and Tanya tosses the bonquet. Now you have two options: have Ania/Shana catch it -- )  
  
Ania: Oh look, I caught the bonquet  
  
Boberto and Timoty: *singing* Wesley and Ania sitting in a tree, F-U-C- --  
  
Me: HEY! Let's keep this PG-13 people  
  
( -- or you can have Nikole/Meru catch it)  
  
Nikole: YAY!! I caught the bonquet!! I'm getting married next!! I TOLD ya I would look totally beautiful in a wedding dress, didn't I Wesley? ;-)  
  
Ania: You told her WHAT?  
  
Me: Oooh, I smell the green-eyed monster....  
  
(NOW we are off to save Tiberoa...but wait, one last pit stop guys)  
  
All: *groan* Lohan? Why are we in Lohan?  
  
(GAME TIP: Instead of waiting till the fourth disk to earn Leroy's/Kongol's Dragoon Spirit, just go to Lohan and BUY the DS from that guy who sold you the water holder thingy 2000)  
  
Me: I say we just gut him and take the damn Spirit  
  
Wesley: You REALLY need to take some Prosac or Midol or something  
  
Me: Oh just wait till the third disk...  
  
Leroy: Ooooh...shiny stone...  
  
*Acquired Spirit of the Golden Dragon*  
  
(Okay, I'm serious this time -- off to save Tiberoa!) 


	19. Chapter 18: The Truth and Skin Revealed

Author's Note: This is where I respond to the reviews: Dynasty Black -- no offense taken. And Nikole really isn't like that in real life, I just wanted to make her more Meru-like. She couldn't stop laughing when she read my interpretation of her. And thank you for pointing out my typo ("quick" was supposed to be "quit"). Proof-reading is a good thing, I should use it more often. Freefall -- I like Al's line too (I should use that next time I get stuck in a never-ending conversation). Chozen1 -- sorry I left out your favorite part. I have a problem with short-term memory. Omni Dragon -- I wouldn't go so far as to run him over with a shopping cart....I think he takes enough verbal abuse (as many have noticed).  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD y'all should know that by now...  
  
Chapter 18: The Truth and Skin Revealed  
  
(We arrive in Fletz to the sound of fireworks and joyous music)  
  
Wesley: Oh no! Are we too late?! Has the Moon Dagger already been handed over?!  
  
Me: Of course not -- in video games, a crucial moment in the game NEVER happens until the heroes (us) show up. What, you guys never noticed that before?  
  
Leroy: I have.  
  
Me: See? Leroy's not totally on empty....can't say the same for Wesley here.  
  
Wesley: *growls*  
  
Ania: Tina, I'll give you $20 if you don't insult Wesley until the third disk.  
  
Me: Make it $50 and we got a deal. And don't look at me like you don't have that kinda money cuz we all know that you do.  
  
Ania: Fine. *Shakes my hand to seal the deal*  
  
Wesley: *smirks*  
  
Me: *deep breath*  
  
Boberto: So all we need to do is find the real Princess Andrea, expose the fake one, and keep the Moon Dagger out of the imposter's hands. But where is the REAL Andrea?  
  
[Didn't Puppy Chow tell you?]  
  
All: No.  
  
[Oh....I'll have to have a word with him....but she's in the castle]  
  
All: Thanks.  
  
(One more stop before we go to the castle -- )  
  
All: *groan* WHY?!  
  
(C'mon guys, last one I PROMISE! Besides, the ceremony will wait for you)  
  
All: Fine, where to?  
  
(Back to the bar)  
  
Me: Someone restrain the lighweight *looking at Ania* Hey, you never said anything bout not insulting YOU.  
  
(When we arrive in the bar, we find the hyper-active Cristy heckling a tired woman, who resembles an older version of me. On the woman's back is a wiggling baby)  
  
Cristy: Dontchawannatalkboutstars?! C'mon, Iknowyoudoyesyesyes!!!!!  
  
Woman: No, no, no -- I wanna talk bout starDUST not stars! *Both turn to face us*  
  
Cristy: OhitsyouguysagainandAniayourawake!  
  
Ania: Of course I'm...awake....what is she talking about?  
  
Wesley: Hey! It's the woman and baby we bumped into in Bale! How are you?  
  
Me: *gasp* Mom?! Sean?!  
  
(The identity of the woman is revealed as -- my mother. And the baby is my two-year-old brother, Sean. What kind of sick, sick person am I to write my own mother and baby brother into this fic?!)  
  
Mom: Oh, sweetheart I'm so glad I found you! I've been looking all over this strange place...I told you girls to stop playing so many video games! And what are you doing in a bar?!  
  
Me: NOTHING Mom!  
  
Sean: Tee-ah!  
  
Ania: So THAT'S who Tee-ah is --Tina!  
  
Me: Very good Sherlock.  
  
Mom: If you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all, honey.  
  
Me: *turns red from embarrassment*  
  
All: *laughs*  
  
Wesley: *sniggers* Yeah, sweetheart if you don't have anything nice to say...  
  
Me *restrains myself because I really want that $50*  
  
Timoty: Tina, there must be a reason you have your mom in this story...what is it?  
  
Mom: Well, I'm on a search for something besides my oldest daughter -- Stardust. If I can collect all 50 then it can cure my other daughter's life-threatening illness.  
  
Boberto: You mean Lauren? She's not deathly ill, she's across the street having random outbursts about greenery!  
  
Lauren: *from across the street* I'll show you a random outburst!  
  
Boberto: See!? She even has super-human hearing!  
  
(It's okay Boberto; by my all-powerful-fanfiction-magic I can make my sister have the power of bilocation. And bicharacter-ation....ya, that's it...)  
  
Boberto: You make no sense, I'm going to shut up now.  
  
Mom: Actually, Tina, could you do me a huge favor?  
  
Me: *sighs* What?  
  
Mom: Could you collect and give me the Stardust you find?  
  
(Who can say no to their mother?)  
  
Me: *sighs* Fine *gives her 20-something Stardust* We weren't gunna do anything with 'em anyway.  
  
(If you've been collecting Stardust on the way, then you should have 20- something to give to her...but I usually don't so whatever)  
  
Mom: Oh, I forgot...here's a gift for you guys for giving me the Stardust  
  
(She gives you a rare armor piece that you can't buy anywhere else for every 10 Stardust you give her. They usually aren't that helpful, 'cept I arm me/Rose with the Physical Ring so that her health catches up to Wesley's and Leroy's. Just something I thought you all would like to know)  
  
Me: Thanks Mom.  
  
Mom: Now you'll find me in the third disk, won't you? And you'll keep looking for Stardust for me, right?  
  
Me: Yes, Mom.  
  
Mom: Okay *calling out as we are leaving the bar* Don't get into too much trouble!  
  
Me: YES MOM. *To the others* Don't say anything.  
  
Wesley: Ya guys...*smirk* If you can't say anything nice...  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(At the Twin Castle)  
  
Wesley: That's strange, no guard to not let us in...  
  
*Officer walks in*  
  
Officer: What the hell are you kids doing here?! And since when did you have a Giganto with you?  
  
Nikole: Saving Tiberoa! And we just got him last chapter!  
  
Leroy: *grunts* Hello  
  
Officer: What?  
  
Timoty: We really don't have time to explain it to you. Just let us go in the Castle.  
  
Officer: *glares* Fine, but I'm not letting you out!  
  
Me: Ooh, is that supposed to scare us?  
  
Officer: *death glare* I'm not even gunna deal with you kids right now...I have bigger problems  
  
(We followed his gaze to some suspicious-looking knights patrolling the area.)  
  
Leroy: Bandits?  
  
Officer: They arrived this morning. Seems that since she's 20 Andrea thinks that she can fire and re-hire the entire knighthood.  
  
Nikole: Aww, I detect some bitterness in that statement.  
  
Officer: Mind your own business blondie and go...save Tiberoa or whatever the hell you're doing.  
  
Nikole: Fine then X-P  
  
(Just when you think that we couldn't get in more trouble with authority.....)  
  
Bandit Knight: Hey, you! Yeah I'm talking to you, spiky! What the hell do you think you're doing?!  
  
Nikole: Saving -- *Timoty cups his hand over her mouth*  
  
Wesley: We're uh...looking for....  
  
Me: Princess Alona!  
  
Wesley: Yeah! Looking for Princess Alona.  
  
Bandit Knight: Well, she's not here. She's locked herself up in her room. Not even gunna wish her own sister a happy birthday...  
  
Wesley: Um, yeah, thanks. *Death glare* And we'll be back to settle this *leaves*  
  
Me: *as we are leaving* Settle what?!  
  
Wesley: Dunno, just felt like it was the right thing to say.  
  
Me: But -- you -- *growls* {Think of the $50, Tina....you really need some new shoes....}  
  
(This is one of the more frustrating parts of the game -- in order to get to Alona's room you have to climb the stairs all the way up to the very top of one of the twin towers, all without having any of the bandit knights spotting you. If they spot you, then they blow their whistles and send you back to the beginning. Of course, we are caught about six or seven times before we reach Alona's room.)  
  
Alona: It's you!  
  
Boberto: Yes, it's us! We found out that Andrea really isn't Andrea! It's an imposter!  
  
Alona: Oh thank god, I was afraid I'd have to live with that rude little bitch for the rest of my life!  
  
Nikole: Can princesses say that?  
  
Timoty: We know she's somewhere in the castle, but we don't know where...do you think astrology could tell us?  
  
Alona: I could try *looks at her star chart* Hmm, that's strange. The stars don't want to reveal their story.  
  
Stars: You can't find her! *nyeah nyeah*  
  
Alona: I guess we'll just have to search the castle ourselves. I'll come with you...maybe then the new knights won't give you much trouble if I'm with you.  
  
(She was wrong -- we still got caught five times going down the stairs to the main castle and sent back to the beginning because Alona was supposed to be sick in her room. Damn knights. For some reason, we decide to search Andrea's room [at the top of the other tower], and we still have to avoid the stupid knights, as well as the knights guarding the entrance to Andrea's room)  
  
Knight 1: No one is supposed to be in the princess' room!  
  
Alona: Not even me?  
  
Knight 2: Not even you -- Princess Andrea's orders.  
  
Me: Ya know, it's a long way down to the ground *peering over the edge of the tower*  
  
Knights: And your point?  
  
Me: *evil grin* I bet that no one would hear your screams from all the way up here.  
  
(The other Dragoons looked at me and then each other, and once they figured out what I was implying, they too grinned evily at the knights and placed their hands on their weapons)  
  
Knights: Well -- we -- still...can't.....  
  
Me: What was that? I have a slight hearing problem, you mind repeating that?  
  
(Instead the knights bolt)  
  
Me: Stupid cowards *enters Andrea's room*  
  
(We find Andrea's room ransacked)  
  
Boberto: Makes it look even more suspcious  
  
Leroy: Room too small for me. I wait outside, see if more bandits come *exits*  
  
Timoty: Me too, I'm getting a bit clasterphobic here *exits*  
  
Nikole: I'll come with you! You don't wanna be lonely, do ya?! *Exits*  
  
Wesley: Um, alright....ooh, look at this pretty picture *touches it*  
  
(When Wesley touched the painting of Andrea, everyone in the room disappeared)  
  
Nikole: *runs into the room* Guys? Guys, where'd ya go!?  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Wesley: Don't tell me -- we got sucked into ANOTHER video game?!  
  
Me: No stu -- *ahem* Wesley....we're in the painting. Seems that someone set up a magical dimension inside the painting....but why?  
  
Nikole: *from outside the painting* Guys?! Where'd ya go?!  
  
Wesley: In here, Nikole! In the painting! But don't touch it!  
  
Nikole: What?! You want me to touch the painting?!  
  
All: NO!  
  
Nikole: Haha, just kidding! I'm not THAT ditzy! *Leans against the painting* Whoa!  
  
(We now have a new guest within the painting)  
  
All: *smacks their foreheads*  
  
Nikole: Heh, heh....hi guys...  
  
Boberto: Look! It's Andrea!  
  
(On the other side of the "magical dimension" was a bound and sleeping Princess Andrea. But no way to get over to her. Oh, what shall we do?)  
  
Boberto: I say jump  
  
Me: Oh yeah, BRILLANT idea Your Majesty....jump and possibly fall into an oblivion  
  
Boberto: *sheepishly* Just a suggestion....  
  
Ania: We could fly!  
  
Wesley: There's not enough room for someone to transform into a Dragoon in here!  
  
Nikole: Hmm, what to do, what to do....*leans against a button on the wall*  
  
(Suddenly, a bridge magically appears, creating a path to the sleeping Andrea)  
  
Nikole: Aren't you glad that I fell in here now?  
  
Boberto: *running across the bridge and kneeling next to Andrea* Princess Andrea!! Princess, wake up, or else something irrevocable will happen to Tiberoa!!  
  
(Apparently, that big word that Boberto used was just what Andrea needed to revive herself)  
  
Andrea: Wha....what's happening? Alona? Boberto? Where'd you come from?  
  
Boberto: No time to explain, just come with us!  
  
(We exited the painting, fetched Timoty and Leroy, and descended to the Chamber of the Sun, where the imposter Princess is about to receive the Moon Dagger! *Gasp* After the bandit knights fled at the sight of the real Andrea...)  
  
Bandit Knight: I thought I told you, spiky, that you couldn't go to the ceremony!!  
  
Andrea: Well what about me?  
  
Bandit Knight: *gasp* P-princess Andrea?! But -- you're supposed to be --  
  
Andrea: Be what? Dead? In a coma? Well, obviously you're wrong. *Turns toward the Chamber of the Sun* I'll be going to MY ceremony now...  
  
Bandit Knight: Dammit, GUYS OUR PLAN IS BUSTED!!!! *Flees*  
  
(...we raced into the Chamber of the Sun to save Tiberoa!!)  
  
Me: Ya know, I should make a T-shirt that says that...  
  
Ania: Says what?  
  
Me: "Save Tiberoa"...yeah, and I could sell it for a ridiculous amount of money!  
  
Wesley: *ahem* Tina? I think that can wait  
  
Me: What? Oh, yeah, sorry *scribbles the idea on a piece of paper*  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Leif: I welcome all of you to this joyous day! Today, my eldest daughter turns 20 and she has truly grown into a fine young woman, deserving of the Moon Dagger and throne of Tiberoa! Before I proceed, I want to ask if anyone objects to me handing over the Moon Dagger to Andrea.  
  
*Pause*  
  
Leif: I take this silence as approval -- now then, today Andrea --  
  
Wesley: We object!  
  
Leif: What? *Gasp* TWO Andreas?!  
  
(The two Andreas stared each other down while the crowd of Tiberoan elites gasped and murmured. Leif shook his head in bewilderment)  
  
Alona: It's true! Six months ago, the day that Andrea and I went horseback riding, Andrea had an accident and this fake took her place!  
  
Andrea: Seems she's made herself very comfortable *death glare*  
  
(The fake Andrea writhed her hands, trying to think of a way out....soon, a light bulb went off in her head and the fake Andrea charged King Leif and stole the Moon Dagger out of his hands and retreated to the balcony.)  
  
Fake Andrea: Well well, you finally found someone smart enough to figure out my secret! It's about time, I was getting stuffy in this dress.  
  
(In a flash of light, the pink-dress wearing, dark-haired Andrea impersonator turned into a girl wearing a blue brassiere with stitching down the middle, exposing the skin in between her breasts. Her stomach was bare and she wore petal-pushers that was stitched along her outer thighs the same way as her top. Her platinum blond hair was tied with a red bandana)  
  
Timoty: Do ALL platinum-haired girls wear next to nothing?  
  
Nikole: Why are you complaining?  
  
Wesley and Me: Stacy?!  
  
Stacy: Shocked, Tina? I knew you would be.  
  
Boberto: You two know her?  
  
Wesley: She goes to my high school  
  
Me: And she goes to my church....just like Jimbo...  
  
[See what happens to Catholic school girls once they graduate?]  
  
Stacy: How very nice to see you two, but I'm afraid I hafta take this Moon Dagger to my love so I must be going.  
  
Ania: Puppy Chow is dead, so you might as well give us the Dagger back!  
  
Stacy: Forceful, are we? I didn't know the man, much less care for him...and like I said, I need to get this Dagger to my love so if you'll be so kind --  
  
Wesley: You'll hafta get through us first!  
  
Other Dragoons: *draws weapons*  
  
Stacy: Oooh, a threat. Fine then, I'll fight you....but you have no idea who you're dealing with! 


	20. Chapter 19: Sea Sickness

Author's Note: The first few "sections" are mainly for those who have trouble beating Stacy/Lenus (I do too, sometimes). I don't know how helpful these "tips" might be for ya, Luna, but I can try, right? And seriously, Nikole really isn't that annoying in real life. You'd hafta give her lots of alcohol to get her like that. This chapter is a chapter where we all learn something about each other, so expect some seriousness and long...ness....yeah, that's it.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD or a new Mercedes or an MP3 player. Dammit.  
  
Chapter 19: Sea Sickness  
  
Wesley: Leif, clear everyone outta here!  
  
*Screen dissolves, battle begins*  
  
(And the king, princesses, and Tiberoan noblity fled the Chamber of the Sun like one would leave a burning night club, minus the rogue pyrotechnics. Now it was just the Dragoons, Nikole [the only one without a Spirit *tear*], and Stacy, who wielded two disc thingys, resembling the ones used by Xena the Warrior Princess. Her weapon wasn't the only thing that puzzled us)  
  
Wesley: What the hell is that coming out of her back?!  
  
Leroy: She's floating!  
  
Me: Oh god, she's a Wingly.  
  
(Usually I find her easier to beat if I get the first turn. Her attacks are the only ones that have actually killed me -- she'll attack you with her Xena-thingys and I swear she flips you off afterwards!)  
  
Stacy: *flips us off*  
  
All: WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?!  
  
Stacy: *still flipping us off*  
  
All: He wouldn't do that!!  
  
(And she only uses items of the water or darkness element, but before she does she draws a strange character in the air)  
  
All: ??? We're confuzzled...  
  
Me: Didn't I say that she was a Wingly?  
  
(So my strategy: if you die alot, then wait until she's in yellow and red before turning people into Dragoons. When you do, Rose's Astrail Drain works well and Dart's fire attacks do decent amounts of damage on her as well. Other than that, all I can say is attack and gets lots of healing items....but most of you care more about the plot than my advice, right? Then we continue...)  
  
(After the battle, we cornered her on the balcony)  
  
Stacy: You are....very strong....  
  
Boberto: Then why aren't you DEAD?!  
  
Me: Just hand over the Moon Dagger, and we won't kill you -- you'll just rot in jail *smile*  
  
Stacy: I told you, I must deliver this to my love!  
  
Wesley: You have no way to escape! Give us the Dagger!  
  
Stacy: No way to escape, huh? Hey! You over there, in the blue! What do you think of that?  
  
Nikole: *looks down at her feet* I...uh...well...um....  
  
Stacy: Fine, if you're going to be like that...*jumps off the balcony*  
  
(We think she's a goner, dead at the hands of the unforgiving ocean waves instead of us. But of course not -- she uses those things on her back to hover above the sea and balcony)  
  
Stacy: Ciao! *Flys away*  
  
*Enter Leif and Princesses*  
  
Leif: What?! She's a Wingly?!  
  
Me: I ALREADY SAID THAT TWO TIMES!!!  
  
Wesley: I think I already know the answer to this, but....how did you know that Stacy's a Wingly?  
  
Me: BECAUSE I KNOW EVERYTHING!!  
  
All: We know.  
  
Leif: It looks likes she's headed to Illisa Bay -- I'll get Commodore Skip --  
  
All: Skip?  
  
Leif: Skip -- I'll get her to prepare the Queen Fury so that you can patrol Illisa Bay looking for the Wingly. But first, can you explain all of this to me, I'm very confused.  
  
Me: Aren't we all.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Leif: So let me get this straight -- Andrea fell and hit her head --  
  
Andrea: I...guess so...  
  
Leif: So the Wingly Stacy replaced her and pretended to be Andrea for six months.  
  
All: Yes.  
  
Me: I never knew that Winglies had the power to shape-shift.  
  
Wesley: AHA!! Finally, something you DON'T know!!!  
  
Me: Unlike you, who doesn't know anything.  
  
Wesley: *blink blink* HEY! That's an insult --  
  
Me: Did you figure that out all by yourself, or did Ania hafta help you with that one?  
  
Wesley: AND ANOTHER ONE!! Ania, she doesn't get $50! HAHA!  
  
Timoty: That didn't last long  
  
Boberto: One chapter, that's better than I expected  
  
Leroy: *ahem*  
  
Boberto: Oh yeah *hands Leroy $5*  
  
All: What?  
  
Boberto: We bet against how long Tina would last not making fun of Wesley  
  
Wesley: I feel...so unloved...  
  
Timoty: Geez, Boberto, you even lose bets to the Giganto! You're really sad.  
  
Boberto: *pushes Timoty*  
  
Me: It's ok, I got a better offer *is handed $70 by Aerena* Thanks, Aer  
  
Aerena: XD *leaves*  
  
All: Where the hell did she come from?  
  
Me and Leroy: *doing a little dance* WE IN DA MON-AY!  
  
Leif: Um, back to me  
  
Me: Geez, somebody's conceited  
  
Leif: *ignore* During the six months that Stacy was impersonating Andrea, she made a deal with DJ Puppy Chow and the Eastsiders Gang to infest Tiberoa, as a distraction, I assume?  
  
All: *nods* Makes sense  
  
Leif: And now Stacy has stolen the Moon Dagger and you seven plan to fetch it.  
  
All: Correct.  
  
Leif: But I must warn you, there's been a Dragon roaming around Illisa Bay so this is actually the first time we've put the Queen Fury out to port in a long time  
  
Me: It's okay, it's my first time too  
  
All: *raised eyebrow*  
  
Me: On a boat, I mean *cough* Ya....  
  
Leif: Well, at least you got rid of our gang problem!  
  
Nikole: Does that mean you'll give us another feast?!  
  
Leif: No...you guys should get to Donau as soon as possible so you can catch the Wingly and get back our Moon Dagger.  
  
All: Awww....  
  
Andrea: Be careful, Boberto  
  
Boberto: *blushes* Okay  
  
Girls: Ooooooooooohhhh, Boberto's got a girl~friend *giggles*  
  
(So we pass through the Barrens AGAIN and head to the port of Donau, where a huge wooden boat sat quietly in the waves. On deck, hoards of sailors who all look the same bustled about the ship.)  
  
All: Wow...  
  
Leroy: It's bigger than me!  
  
Me: I'm getting sea sick just looking at it *covers my mouth*  
  
(We spotted on the dock a teenaged boy with short brown hair wearing loose blue pants and a long-sleeved shirt, so he didn't look important enough to be the Commodore but at least he stood out. We then saw a girl standing next to him, her shoulder-length hair blowing in the ocean winds and hands proudly at her hips. Her outfit looked like she stole it from the set of "The Patriot" [minus those stupid three-corner hats] and she added a cape [which also blew in the ocean winds])  
  
Skip: *deep inhale through the nose* Ya smell that, Ricky? It's the smell of the ocean!  
  
Ricky: Yeah, I kinda figured that out already  
  
Skip: *ignore* Ah, I love that smell, don't you? Makes me wanna go surfing...too bad you don't have any good waves in Tiberoa...*notices us* Oh, look! It's our special guests!  
  
Dragoons: Hi  
  
Skip: Lookie, guys! I got a promotion! Commodore of this really really big boat....and this is my first-mate, Ricky  
  
Ricky: Hi  
  
[Ricky is another person who goes to my church, but at least he's a good guy! That's one good Catholic for ya...and we've known Skip for a long time, too. She has the random, day-dreamy personality that Puler exhibits throughout the game]  
  
Skip: So, we're going on an adventure to pursue a girl with wings?  
  
Dragoons: Yup.  
  
Skip: Yay! I haven't been on an adventure...ever... well, then we'd better get going! Wehehe... *skips happily onto the ship*  
  
Ricky: Yeah...and I'm here to make sure that you guys are all ready for the trip. Are you ready?  
  
Wesley: Yes.  
  
Ricky: Alright then, *running onto the ship* CAST OFF!  
  
Dragoons: *walk onto the ship calmly*  
  
Me: This DOES come with barf bags, right?  
  
Skip: *at the helm* Hmm...dunno, I'm sure we got some 'round here somewhere....if you can't find any, you can just use Ricky's boots -- they stink enough as is  
  
Ricky: Hey, that was uncalled for! You know I have a condition...  
  
Skip: Hahahahaha, I'm just kidding with ya, Ricky! *Whispers* But I really don't think you should advertise your "condition"  
  
Ricky: *rolls eyes* Why I take this abuse, I don't know.  
  
Skip: Enough chit-chat, the sea beckons! Onward, ho!  
  
Sailor: Who you calling a ho?!  
  
Skip: Huh? No! No, I'm not calling you a....what was I saying again?  
  
Ricky: You called the sailor a "ho"  
  
Skip: No I didn't!  
  
Timoty: *rubbing his temples* This is going to be a looong trip  
  
Me: I'm gunna be sick *races to the side of the ship*  
  
Skip: Starboard side! STARBOARD SIDE!  
  
Me: *races to the other side of the ship and barfs over the railing*  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Once we cast off and were miles away from the shore, our group separated and wandered to different parts of the ship. Ania was the only one that remained on the main deck, dreamily watching the birds fly across the sky)  
  
Ania: *sigh* I wish I could just fly away and leave this place, just like you guys.  
  
Bird 1: Oh great, another crazy woman who thinks we actually CARE about her problems  
  
Bird 2: OMG!! A TALKING BIRD!! *Flys away*  
  
Bird 1: That was strange...*flys away*  
  
Ania: Ya, know I probably could fly away *holds up her Dragoon Spirit* But I still can't go home, we hafta finish this stupid video game first....Ya know, ever since we got pulled into this game, everyone's gone crazy on me! Wesley's on this weird pursuit of a Black Monster; Timoty's trying to find a daughter who's older than himself; Boberto's a king; Leroy's a freak of nature; Nikole has become a hyper slut; and Tina's gone all dark and mysterious! Not to mention I've been hearing voices...but that's totally normal, I'm not the crazy one. And now what are we doing -- we're on an overrated boat looking for one of Tina's church buddies and some guy that Tina's got the hots for! Why is it all about Tina?! Why can't it be all about me?! *Sigh* Maybe I can go bother Wesley, HE'LL pay attention to me...  
  
Sailor: You DO realize that you were talking to yourself, right?  
  
Ania: *ignore* Off to go look for Wesley...  
  
(She found Wesley sitting in a desk next to Commodore Skip at the helm)  
  
Ania: Wesley! I'm glad I found ya.  
  
Wesley: Huh? Oh, hi Ania.  
  
Ania: "Oh hi Ania"?! What kind of greeting is that?!  
  
Wesley: Well, you kinda interuppted me while I was thinking...  
  
Ania: Oh, THAT'S a rarity  
  
Wesley: HEY! I can barely tolerate Tina insulting me, I don't need you to join her  
  
Ania: Oh, it's ALL about TINA isn't it?! Is THAT who you were thinking about?!  
  
Wesley: No, I was thinking of the Black Monster *growls* I WILL have my revenge...  
  
Ania: *rolls eyes* Even better. Well, don't let ME stop you from thinking of a MONSTER *storms off*  
  
Wesley: What the hell was that about?  
  
Skip: Lover's spat. How cute....sorta....actually, that was a pretty nasty argument *shudders*  
  
Wesley: What?  
  
Skip: It's obvious that Ania wanted YOU to be thinking of HER instead of this monster thing... and Ania's feelings toward you are also overly obvious to every character except for you.  
  
Wesley: What, her hatred?  
  
Skip: Geez you're even more clueless than me....*deep inhale through the nose* I love the sea, don't you?  
  
Wesley: Um...yeah....I'll be right back {since Tina knows EVERYTHING maybe she can help me with this Black Monster nonsence}  
  
(Wesley went above deck to the crow's nest, where he found me staring into the horizon, still holding my hand over my mouth and nervously holding my stomach and tapping my foot)  
  
Me: *muffled* I hate sailing...  
  
Wesley: Tina?  
  
Me: *back turned to him, still muffled* What?  
  
Wesley: Aren't you gunna face me?  
  
Me: *turns around, hand still over my mouth* What?  
  
Wesley: I can't understand you, take away your hand  
  
Me: You don't understand alot of things..  
  
Wesley: What?  
  
Me: I mean -- I can't. If I take away my hand, my lunch for the last three days will come back up in your face.  
  
Wesley: Geez, she such a strong fighter you have a really weak stomach  
  
Me: *taking my hand away* Aww, you think I'm a strong fighter? That's so sweet  
  
Wesley: Well, I had to say something for you to uncover your mouth.  
  
Me: Did you seriously want to talk to me, or did you just come up here to tease me?  
  
Wesley: I seriously wanna talk to you....what do you know about the Black Monster  
  
Me: Just...what everybody else tells me...  
  
Wesley: Aw, c'mon, you gotta know something! You know all about the Dragon Campaign and Winglies and Virages, how can you NOT know about the Black Monster?!  
  
Me: I have a question for you: what are ya gunna do when you find him -- the Black Monster?  
  
Wesley: DUH kill him.  
  
Me: Okay, listen Wesley -- I'm going to attempt to have a serious conversation with you, can you handle that?  
  
Wesley: I...think so...  
  
Me: Ya know what causes revenge? Insanity -- revenge makes a person enter insanity. It's the same for war. Our Dragoons Spirits help harness and chasten that insanity, so we can control it and use it against the forces of evil or what have you. Something BIG is gunna happen Wesley and you're gunna need to use that insanity in a way none of us can imagine....but given the meagerness of your Spirit, I wonder if you can handle it?  
  
Wesley: *shakes his head* First of all, that doesn't have anything to do with the Black Monster --  
  
Me: Yeah, well, it's similar to what is said in the game and it's some kind of foreshadowing and foreshadowing NEVER makes sense at first.  
  
Wesley: -- second of all, you're telling me that I'm insane and that I'm not gunna be able to control my own behavior?  
  
Me: *thinks for a moment* You can say that.  
  
Wesley: Whatever. I'm going back below -- you can continue being all sea sick and stuff.  
  
Me: Well, now that I have your permission.  
  
(And Wesley disappeared below deck)  
  
Me: I'm getting bored -- and nauseous -- up here. Maybe a walk will do me some good.  
  
(I wandered the upper deck until I found Timoty sitting cross-legged on the floor, totally ignoring the sailor that tried to mop up around him)  
  
Me: Uh, Timoty? I think your buddy here is trying to get some work done...  
  
Timoty: *snapping out of his trance* What? Oh, sorry dude  
  
Sailor: No problem *mops*  
  
Timoty: So what brings you down from the crow's nest? I was worried you were gunna heave over the edge of it and it would land on me!  
  
Me: Timmy, that's gross  
  
Timoty: Don't call me Timmy  
  
Me: Sure thing Timmy...so were you thinkin' of your daughter?  
  
Timoty: Yeah, I guess so.  
  
Me: Well, then I'll let ya get back to thinkin' of her...I'd better be going. I think if I constantly move around, I won't vomit all over the place *leaves*  
  
Timoty: *sits back down* Well, that's a pretty image...hmm, Claire...  
  
*FLASHBACK TO ROGUE!!*  
  
(Two girls, one with blond hair and one with dark hair are fighting kung-fu style. Timoty is watching from the sidelines looking the same as he does now [even though that was 20 years ago])  
  
Timoty: Claire, you have such slow steps! How can you be the Head of the Rogue School with such pathetic skills?!  
  
Claire: *stops fighting and turns to Timoty* I'm sorry Father  
  
Timoty: You stupid girl! While training, I'm not Father, I'm Master!  
  
Claire: Yes Master *continues fighting*  
  
(The girls continue fighting until the dark haired girl knocks out the blond girl. Instead of the blond girl getting back up, she lies motionless on the wooden floor)  
  
Timoty: You idiot! You placed malious intentions into your fist, didn't you?!  
  
Claire: Lotta? Lotta?! I'm so sorry, Lotta!! Answer me!!  
  
Timoty: Get out of my sight!!  
  
(And Claire runs out crying. End flashback)  
  
Timoty: Damn, I was a horrible father! No wonder she ran away... damn, now I feel sad. I think Leroy can take care of that, where is that brute?  
  
(Timoty found Leroy in the boiler room, below the lower deck)  
  
Timoty: Wassup, Leroy!  
  
Leroy: Hi Timoty.  
  
Timoty: What are you up to?  
  
Leroy: Me just...standing here.  
  
Timoty: No, I mean as a whole -- I mean, we kicked the crap outta you twice in the first disk and suddenly you save us from certain death back in the Home of Gigantos! Why?  
  
Leroy: Leroy glad to see Timoty cares.  
  
Timoty: Sarcasm! Congratulations! You are now officially apart of the group.  
  
Leroy: Timoty still wanna know why Leroy save you?  
  
Timoty: Yeah, I guess so.  
  
Leroy: Because you defeat Emperor Joel and Emperor Joel very powerful.  
  
Timoty: Well, if it's Joel you're wondering about, maybe you should talk to Boberto. I mean, no one really understands Joel, but Boberto is supposed to be his estranged nephew so....ya, I'll be going back to my flashbacks now *leaves*  
  
Leroy: Hmmm....Boberto, King of Humans....  
  
(Leroy left his haven in the boiler room and searched for Boberto, who was camped out in the cabins)  
  
Leroy: Boberto, can Leroy ask you question?  
  
Boberto: Is it about Joel?  
  
Leroy: *nods*  
  
Boberto: He was your friend, wasn't he? Well, that's a stupid question this IS a parody of all of our friends so of course he was your friend.  
  
Leroy: Well, what is "friend"?  
  
Boberto: I guess...a friend is a person who walks the same path as you, but with different objectives. Well, I guess that wouldn't work in our case 'cause we all wanna go home....but, everybody here is a friend -- just don't ask me to define it again.  
  
Leroy: O....k.....*leaves*  
  
Nikole: *from the other cabin* HEEEEEYYYY!!!!! Doesn't anyone wanna hang out with mmmmeeeeeeeeeee??  
  
Boberto: Might as well  
  
(When Boberto entered Nikole's room, he was bombed with a pillow)  
  
Nikole: 10 points!  
  
Boberto: Ow?  
  
Nikole: Wassup, Bobby?!  
  
Boberto: No, you already gave Timoty a girly nickname -- you're only allowed to do that to one person on this journey.  
  
Nikole: Really?? Awwwwww, ruining all my fun...  
  
Boberto: This isn't supposed to be fun  
  
Nikole: Yes it is, it's a video game!  
  
Boberto: I just don't want another person dying  
  
Nikole: Oh, you mean besides all the other people that we've killed since we got here?  
  
Boberto: I was actually talking about Melvin, but you bring up a good point...  
  
Nikole: ^_^  
  
Boberto: Anyway, I just want to say we don't need anyone taking a lackadaisical attitude towards this journey  
  
Nikole: What the hell does "lackadaisical" mean?!  
  
Boberto: I don't know myself  
  
Nikole: Well, just go then! I don't need a sour puss making me sad  
  
Boberto: M'kay *leaves*  
  
Nikole: Phooey, now I'm bored again. I think I'll go find someone to play with!  
  
(She jumps down from her bunk bed and goes above deck. Nikole also finds herself looking for Wesley, still at the helm with Commodore Skip)  
  
Nikole: A Wesley spotted! *Covers his eyes* Guess who?  
  
(The screen goes black, I guess to get a better view of what's going on inside Wesley's head [which isn't much])  
  
Wesley: Um...Nikole, of course  
  
Nikole: *uncovers his eyes* Yay! You win the grand prize!  
  
Wesley: Really? What is it?  
  
Nikole: An adventure with me!  
  
Skip: I thought we were already on an adventure!  
  
Nikole: Oh, we are...this is a mini adventure  
  
Skip: Oh, okay then. *Sigh* I love the sea, don't you?  
  
Wesley: *whispers to Nikole* She's been saying that all day  
  
Nikole: Whatever. So, you wanna come or will Ania get jealous seeing you with a pretty girl like me? Especially one of your ex-girlfriends?  
  
Wesley: Probably, she blew up at me for not thinking about her.  
  
Nikole: Hmm....oh well, let's go anyway!  
  
(They made it a point to NOT see Ania, since Wesley did not feel like being yelled at again. So they went back up to the crow's nest, where I had returned to staring into the horizon and nervously holding my mouth and stomach)  
  
Wesley: Wait, Nikole don't pull a joke on Tina  
  
Nikole: Why not? She's my homie z, she'll totally understand!  
  
Wesley: I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about --  
  
Nikole: *sneaks up on me* BOO!! Hehehe  
  
(I quickly turn around, and the sudden movement along with Nikole startling me caused me to barf all over the floor, barely missing Nikole's and Wesley's shoes)  
  
Nikole: EEEEWWWWWWWW, Tina! These are new slippers!  
  
Me: *wiping my mouth* Sorry....excuse me, I need to go brush my teeth *leaves*  
  
Wesley: Told you.  
  
Sailor: Commodore!! Commodore, there's another ship!  
  
Skip: What? Another ship?  
  
Sailor: She's fast approaching our starboard side!  
  
(While the Commodore, Ricky, and the other sailors tended to the other ship, most of us Dragoons were below deck. It wasn't until the ship collided with our starboard side did we race up onto the main deck, my toothbrush still in hand. The new ship had now jammed itself into our starboard side [I say that alot, don't I?] and us Dragoons and the sailors stared in awe at the ship)  
  
Skip: What are you doing?! Get back to your stations!  
  
Sailors: *salute* Yes ma'am! *Races to their stations*  
  
Me: *mouthful of toothpaste, dropping my toothbrush* Oh...my...god....  
  
[Cliff hangers....annoying, aren't they?]  
  
A/N: Lackadaisical means lacking spirit, liveliness, or interest (although I really don't think Nikole/Meru lacks any spirit or liveliness...interest, maybe but not the first two). But I still dunno what "alky" means!! Damn! And if some of the boating terms eluded you, go look 'em up. I can't do all the work now. 


	21. Chapter 20: Creepy Dead Guys

Author's Note: As I see from the reviews, y'all enjoyed our little trip on the Queen Fury....that, my friends is called sarcasm right there. If you thought the Queen Fury was bad, just wait till you hear bout our trip on the Phantom Ship!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD. Too bad.  
  
Chapter 20: Creepy Dead Guys  
  
(The strange ship sailed with torn sails, singed masts, rotting deck, and a deformed figurehead. It nearly glided above the surface of the water and it looked more like it would pass right through the Queen Fury, but instead its hull became lodged in our starboard side. The sailors quickly scurried to their stations while us Dragoons, Commodore Skip, and Ricky examined the ship)  
  
Skip: Look! It's a ship from the Mille Seseau royal fleet!  
  
Me: Oh my god this is...  
  
Boberto: Uh, Tina? You're drooling toothpaste.  
  
Me: Oh? Oh, sorry *spits over the railing*  
  
Wesley: How ladylike  
  
Timoty: Dude, have you seen Ania?  
  
Wesley: YOU are actually concerned about ANIA?!  
  
Me: Yeah, aren't you the person who complains her the most (next to me, of course)?  
  
Timoty: I'm not saying that I'm CONCERNED about her....I just thought Wesley (who IS concerned about her) would like to know that she's no longer on the Queen Fury.  
  
Wesley: Then where is she?  
  
(And then we hear a high-pitched scream coming from the other ship -- which, by the way is called the Phantom Ship)  
  
Wesley: That's Ania! *Jumps aboard the Phantom Ship, followed by everybody else*  
  
(On the Phantom Ship, Ania is confronted by three sword-wielding skeletons. Death by skeletons? Not if she has some ghost knights protecting her)  
  
Ghost Knights: *draws their swords and destroy the skeletons, then disappear*  
  
Ania: Wait! Come back, who are you?!  
  
Wesley: Ania, are you alright?  
  
Ania: Yeah, I'm fine...thanks to some ghost knights  
  
Timoty: *rolls eyes* Please, ghosts don't exist  
  
Me: Oh, believe me ghosts are very real in this game....Wesley, you remember Kimberly don't ya?  
  
Wesley: Oh yeah...but Ania, how did you get here?  
  
Ania: I...don't know. I just kinda woke up here.  
  
Timoty: Hearing voices and blacking out? Man, you really have problems...and I'm not just talking about in the game...  
  
Ania: *smacks Timoty*  
  
Nikole: *cupping her mouth* Deeeeeeeeeaaaaaad meeeeeeeennnnn tellllllllllll nooooooooooo taaaaaaaaaaleeeeeessssssss......  
  
Me: *jumping around singing* YO HO YO HO A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR ME!!!  
  
All: *raised eyebrow*  
  
Me: *cough* Sorry. I had a Nikole moment.  
  
Nikole: *still cupping her mouth* Deeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaad meeeeeenn tellllllllll noooooo taaaaaaalesssssssssss...  
  
Boberto: You already said that  
  
Nikole: I know! So, when are we gunna go explorin'?  
  
Wesley: Explorin'?! Oh, no. No no no no no.  
  
Me: Awwww, is widdle Wesleykins scared of the big bad ghosts?  
  
Wesley: Don't ever talk baby-talk EVER AGAIN. It was already disturbing enough to see you hopping around singing that damn song...  
  
Me: You mean this song? *Circling Wesley* YO HO YO HO A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR ME!  
  
All: YES!! THAT SONG!! DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!!  
  
Me: *smirk* See, Nikole...always trying to ruin our fun...  
  
Nikole: *nods*  
  
Ania: You never answered Nikole's question: when are we gunna go explorin'?  
  
Wesley: YOU wanna explore?  
  
Ania: Yeah...there's something that's drawing me to this boat...  
  
Me: There better not be a Virage on this ship or I swear I will.....  
  
Leroy: Serenade it to death?  
  
Me: The Giganto with really bad English is quicker than you, Wesley! Why can't you come up with comebacks like that?  
  
Wesley: Shut up. Let's just...go explorin'  
  
(And explorin' we did....in one cabin, we came upon a chest with a numerical lock and a warning: "May evil come upon the person who opens this chest"...or something like that. I can never figure out the combination and after you miss it three or five times in succession, skeletons attack you. The weapon inside the chest isn't worth all the trouble, so I like to stay clear of that. You then go below the Phantom Ship's deck and find more cabins with more chests -- inside the chests are Magician Boogies that pop out, resurect some skeletons for you to fight, and then leaves. And periodically you fight Death.)  
  
(We finally confront three Magician Boogies in the very last cabin, who are more annoying than difficult to fight. After battling the Boogies, a little wisp of a ghost emerges from the chest)  
  
Ghost Captain: Please, see me in my quarters *disappears*  
  
Wesley: Is that such a good idea?  
  
(We head to the Captain's quarters, which is one of the locked doors above deck. On the way there, some of the ghost knights that save Ania reappear)  
  
Ania: Those are the guys that saved me!  
  
Ghost Knight 1: Bastard!  
  
Timoty: Is that their favorite word in this game?!  
  
Ghost Knight 1: We will never give up our Princess!  
  
Me: Go away, we don't have time to deal with you  
  
Ghost Knight 2: Unforgivable! Trying to trick us by using Human words!  
  
Ghost Knight 1: Be gone, Black Monster!  
  
Me: Wait, no!  
  
(And the two knights charge at me, ready to attack. As soon as they touch me, they scream out in agony and disappear once again)  
  
Me: {Dead men aren't supposed to tell tales}  
  
Wesley: Black Monster?! You mean this was attacked by the Black Monster?! *Shakes his fist*  
  
Boberto: But what did those knights have against Tina?  
  
Me: How would I know? I've never seen this ship in my life...c'mon let's go see what that ghost Captain has to say. What? Stop looking at me like that! Don't make me start singing again  
  
(Not wanting to have me break out into my Disney song-and-dance number, the rest of the Dragoons and myself walk into the Captain's quarters)  
  
Timoty: It's empty.  
  
Me: Did you figure that all by yourself or --  
  
Timoty: Yes, my mommy helped me out with that one.  
  
Me: Well, now that THAT'S settled.  
  
Boberto: It's not totally empty -- look at that painting on the wall.  
  
(The painting on the wall featured a woman wearing royal robes and holding a baby in her arms)  
  
Nikole: She looks like some kinda queen or somethin'  
  
Leroy: Kinda looks like Ania.  
  
Timoty: Not necessarily a good thing  
  
Ania: *smacks Timoty again*  
  
Boberto: Oh Wesley...how's bout a little wager? To see how many times Timoty gets slapped by Ania?  
  
Me: Boberto, I think you have an addiction  
  
Boberto: Gamblingbling  
  
(Before Wesley could agree to Boberto's wager, a chair appeared in the middle of the room. The chair spun around, and the spirit of a sailor faced us)  
  
Ghost Captain: I'm glad you're here  
  
Wesley: *gulp* You are?  
  
Me: Be a man, Wesley  
  
Ghost Captain: That bastard....he....followed us! All the way out to sea! And we couldn't...protect the princess....she was just a baby!  
  
Wesley: Are you talking about the Black Monster?!  
  
Ghost Captain: Yes...we can't die because of him. My crew and I have been wandering the sea for eighteen years, our guilt preventing us to move on to the afterlife.  
  
Boberto: What can we do about that?  
  
Ghost Captain: You can fight us...if you overcome us in a battle, maybe you can rid us of our guilt.  
  
*Screen dissolves battle begins*  
  
(This is one of the more tricky battles in the game -- what you have to do is get the five Ghost Sailors and one Ghost Captain into red, but don't kill them! You must kill them at the same time, or else they come back to life. The Captain is the one with the most health, so attack him last. Once you get all the ghosts in red, turn Wesley/Dart into a Dragoon and use Explosion [I say this because he's usually my most powerful Dragoon at the time]. If some ghosts are still standing, then just use an all-attack item and that should do it. But they like to heal themselves, so it gets frustrating after a while. And so, to the end of the battle....)  
  
(The quarters are once again empty)  
  
Wesley: *shakes his fist* Black Monster.....how many must he killed to satisfy himself?!  
  
Me: Stop that! Sorry...what was I thinking?  
  
(We further explore the captain's quarters, and find a room with an empty baby's cradle. It's still for a moment, and then it suddenly starts rocking)  
  
Wesley: Aah! *Hides behind Ania*  
  
Ania: You can't be serious....  
  
*Ghost Nanny appears*  
  
Ghost Nanny: Poor Louvia....she was just a baby, what did that monster want with her? *Sigh* If only she wasn't a princess of Mille Seseau.  
  
Ania: It's okay, the Black Monster is gone now....everybody's gone now, you can move on!  
  
Ghost Nanny: Oh my god! It's you! I have wandered the sea on this ship for eighteen years and finally! My soul can rest in peace knowing that you are safe *disappears*  
  
Ania: Wait! Come back! Who am I?!  
  
Wesley: *quivering* Look! The cradle stopped moving!  
  
Ania: So?  
  
(Now the boat is the one quivering)  
  
Me: Uh guys...the boat is sinking....  
  
All: RUN!!  
  
(Back on the Queen Fury...)  
  
Ricky: Engine rooms are all ready for departure, ma'am!  
  
Skip: Very good Richard my friend...now, all we hafta do is wait for Wesley and friends....hmm, they've been gone for a while...  
  
Sailor: Ma'am! The ship is sinking!  
  
Skip: What?! My ship can't be sinking, it's unsinkable!  
  
Ricky: One word for you: Titanic  
  
Sailor: No! The other ship!  
  
Skip: Oh good then.  
  
Boberto: *running to the edge of the Phantom Ship* Hurry up now! Come now, ladies first! That means you, Timoty  
  
Timoty: Not the time to be making jokes!!  
  
(Boberto, being the gentleman that he is, ushered Nikole and Ania onto the Queen Fury, then Timoty and Leroy and himself. Wesley and I brought up the rear, and when I was halfway to the Queen Fury, Wesley lost his footing. Luckily, I quickly grabbed his hand and he dangled dangerously above the sea)  
  
Wesley: I'm slipping!  
  
Me: Dammit, you're heavy!  
  
Wesley: Let go of me! Save yourself!  
  
Me: No! I won't have that happen again!  
  
Boberto: *to the others* C'mon, we hafta help them!  
  
(Despite their efforts, Wesley and I plunged into the cold ocean and disappeared with the Phantom Ship)  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(That same night, we washed up in a cave but Wesley still lay unconscious. I lit a fire and tried without success to sleep, keeping at least an armspan between me and the sleeping Dragoon)  
  
Me: Wesley Wesley Wesley....the second time you've passed out, is it? *Pats his head* Oh man, this takes me back....to my days with Mateo. Ya know, you remind me of him -- both recognized by the Spirit of the Red-Eyed Dragon, kinda look the same...well, except for the hair and eyes and face and body....  
  
*A video AND a flashback, all in one! Oh joy*  
  
(Loud, jazzy trumpets play as seven Dragoons and their Dragons whiz by. Their final battle -- storm the Wingly capital Kadessa. Waiting for the Dragoons are hoards of Virages and the dictator himself -- Melbu Frahma)  
  
Vincent: Melbu Frahma!!  
  
(I already said that. There IS a reason that this is the final battle....take Kazu, the Violet Dragoon, in his fight against a Super Virage)  
  
Kazu: You are very powerful, but then again, so am I.....I'm taking you with me, you bastard!  
  
(And they both perish in a purple explosion)  
  
Me: Kazu!  
  
(The next two deaths I witness: Kimberly, the White Silver Dragoon, and Jose, the Golden Dragoon. Another Super Virage lodged its tentacles into Jose's stomach. The dying Jose struggled to keep a huge block of stone from crushing both him and Kimberly.)  
  
Kimberly: Jose! *Draws an arrow and aims it at the Super Virage* Your death won't be in vain *fires*  
  
(Kimberly's arrow killed the Super Virage, but the last of Jose's strength gave out and the boulder crushed the two Dragoons)  
  
Me: Oh god!  
  
(Also during that time, Tricia, the Blue-Sea Dragoon and Vicent, the Jade Dragoon die, but I don't see how. My attention is on Mateo, the Red-Eyed Dragoon, crossing swords with Melbu Frahma)  
  
Melbu Frahma: You nuisance! Why won't you die?!  
  
Mateo: You first *stabs Melbu*  
  
Melbu Frahma: How dare you! Inferior Human!  
  
(Using the last of his magic, Melbu Frahma petrifies Mateo, slowly turning him to stone)  
  
Me: Mateo! *Clutches his hand*  
  
Mateo: Let go of me! Save yourself *becomes fully petrified and falls with the collasping Kadessa*  
  
Me: No! My friends....they're gone...it can't be! *Flys away*  
  
*End video/flashback*  
  
Me: *wiping away tears* Damn, this is getting too serious for my taste.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Sammi: What did ya find, puppy? *Gasp* Mommy! Mommy! There's people in here!  
  
Dog: *licks Wesley's face*  
  
Wesley: *jumps upright* Damn you, ghosts! I'll send you all back to hell where you came from! *Notices the little girl and her dog* Oh....*ahem* I mean -- I -- Tina, wake up!  
  
Me: *still asleep* Mmmm....five more minutes, I don't wanna go to school....  
  
Wesley: Tina, wake up, we're alive!  
  
Me: Damn alarm clock *smacks Wesley*  
  
Wesley: OW!!!  
  
Me: *opens eyes* Wha? I'm alive?  
  
Wesley: If you do that again you won't!  
  
Sammi: Uh...hello?  
  
Me: Sammi? Hey Sammi!  
  
Sammi: *smothers me with hugs*  
  
Wesley: You know her?  
  
Me: I babysit her...Sammi, where's your mom? Where are we?  
  
Sammi: She's at our house and you're in Lidieria-- what are you doing in a cave? And who's he?  
  
Me: We nearly drowned last night and he's Wesley. Don't pay much attention to him.  
  
Wesley: *ignore*  
  
(Sammi, clutching my right leg, and her dog took us to her mom's hut. The small seaside town was not very exciting, and the biggest event of the season was the mayor's poker game on the ocean terrance. Inside Sammi's hut, we explained the previous night's encounter to the wide-eyed girl and her constantly coughing mom)  
  
Sammi: Wow...you guys fought real ghosts?!  
  
Wesley: Sounds scary, doesn't it?  
  
Sammi: Not at all  
  
Wesley: Well then...  
  
Me: ANYWAY...Sammi, do you know the nearest place where a ship would dock?  
  
Sammi: There is Fueno, but no one will go there! The Undersea Cave, that connects Lidieria to Fueno, has been infested by a Dragon! So we've basically been stuck here for six months.  
  
Sammi's Mom: *cough cough*  
  
Sammi: Not to mention, Mommy's been sick and there's a clinic in Fueno that could help her but I can't take her cuz neither of us can fight off a Dragon!  
  
Wesley: We can. We'll take you and your mom to Fueno -- and your little dog too.  
  
Me: Hey, that's my line.  
  
Wesley: *ignore* The Queen Fury and the rest might be there.  
  
Me: Yeah, and I can annihilate any monster that crosses our path.  
  
Wesley and Sammi: *steps away from me*  
  
Me: What? Don't act like I can't  
  
Wesley: Oh, don't worry, I'm not...  
  
(Off to Fueno. And the peasants rejoice *yay*)  
  
A/N: I know, I did a crappy job of describing the best video in the game. I don't need reminders of that. 


	22. Chapter 21: Drinks All Around!

Author's Note: Wrongess coming forth, especially if you know me personally. Good lord, when will it end?  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD and I probably never will  
  
Chapter 21: Drinks All Around!  
  
Sammi: Yay! Fueno!  
  
[And the peasants rejoice]  
  
Me and Wesley: Yay.  
  
Sammi: Thank you for helping me and Mommy here! *Lowing her voice* But, are you guys like, going out? Cuz ya know, you two were alone in the cave...overnight...  
  
Me: What is our society coming too? Sammi! You're not supposed to know these things until you're ten!  
  
Sammi: Talk to my sister about that...  
  
Wesley: Don't worry Sammi....we're not going out  
  
Me: Yeah, cuz he's already got a girl~friend back on the Queen Fury *giggles* And she's probably worried to DEATH about you!  
  
Wesley: More like she'll kill me once we find them again  
  
Sammi: Okay then, bye!! *Skips off to the clinic with her mom*  
  
(We wander Fueno, looking for signs that the Queen Fury had arrived. What do ya know? We find the actual Queen Fury!)  
  
Ricky: *on the dock, talking to a sailor* It was...truly tragic....but, they died as heroes *wipes away tears*  
  
Sailor: Uh, Ricky *points to me and Wesley*  
  
Ricky: OMG! You're alive!  
  
Wesley: Of course!  
  
Me: You think a little dive into the ocean would kill us? HAH! Please...  
  
Ricky: Well, I think your posse went into town just now! Go find them! I don't wanna talk to you...  
  
Me: That hurts, Ricky.  
  
(So it's back to wandering Fueno. Until we bump into a rude, immodestly- dressed youngster)  
  
Nikole: Don't you have eyes?! Stupid piece of --  
  
Wesley: Nikole!  
  
Nikole: OMG! Tina! Wesley! *Tackles the both of us*  
  
Me and Wesley: Can't...breathe...  
  
Nikole: Sorry. We were so worried bout you!  
  
Me: Aww, that's so nice, you guys were worried about us!  
  
Nikole: Well, actually we were worried cuz you said that if you die none of us go home.  
  
Me and Wesley: *sarcastic* So glad you care...  
  
Nikole: Haha, just kidding! We were seriously worried....oh! Everybody else is waiting for you in the hotel! C'mon, follow me!  
  
(We followed her, but when we got to the hotel, it was completely empty. Then the screen goes black and....)  
  
Nikole: Surprise!  
  
Boberto, Timoty, Leroy: TINA!! WE'RE SAVED!!! *Glomp*  
  
Wesley: Nice to see you guys too  
  
Boberto: Oh shut up, you got Ania mourning over you.  
  
Leroy: Ania said nothing since you leave  
  
Timoty: Actually, Wesley, you should fall into the ocean more often  
  
Boberto: *smack*  
  
Timoty: What the hell was that for?!  
  
Boberto: You woulda got slapped for that  
  
Nikole: Wesley, go and see her! She's in the back room upstairs.  
  
Wesley: O...k...but if I come back down in pieces, it's all YOUR fault *goes upstairs*  
  
(There are only two rooms upstairs...Wesley, I know this will be hard for you but, do you think you can find Ania all by yourself?)  
  
Wesley: YES!! Damn, I wish everbody would stop condescending me...*opens the first door*  
  
Couple Inside: GAAH!! Shut the door!!!  
  
Wesley: *quickly shuts the door and makes a funny face* I didn't know people could bend like that...  
  
[When Nikole said the BACK room she meant the one in the BACK!!]  
  
Wesley: Oh god, it's YOU again  
  
[You missed me, I know...]  
  
Wesley: Whatever....ah, here we go *opens the second door*  
  
(When he enters the room, Wesley finds Ania kneeling by the bed with her head in her hands)  
  
Ania: *whispers* How much longer do I hafta sit like this? My knees are starting to become raw...  
  
[Just a little while longer....okaaaaay, now]  
  
Ania: *jumps up* Wesley! You're not dead!  
  
Wesley: No, I thought you would like to do the honors  
  
Ania: *fake laugh* Oh, don't be silly.... so, um, yeah....  
  
[This is where you hug him]  
  
Wesley and Ania: BUT WHY?!?!  
  
[Okay, you guys are just gunna have to accept the fact that you two are in love, it'll make my job a helluva lot easier]  
  
Ania: FINE! *Hugs Wesley* Happy?!  
  
[No]  
  
Ania: Grrr...*hugs Wesley and stays attached to him*  
  
(From outside the bedroom door...)  
  
Boberto: Nikole! What are you doing?  
  
Nikole: Well, I WAS trying to get a peek at that kinky couple down the hall....but I guess they ducked under the covers. This however...  
  
Timoty: What, more soft-core porn? *Looks through the door crack* Ew, god no....  
  
Boberto: Wesley's actually gettin' some?! I gotta see this....dammit, Timoty! There's just hugging...  
  
Timoty: Why would you wanna witness the two of THEM?!  
  
Me: You three are sick...besides, if you wanna see some action, just wait till we get back home and you can watch Swaim and his girl make out all day long  
  
Boberto: Oh Niiikole...how would you like to make a little wager?  
  
Nikole: I think you're only allowed to have one bet at a time *presses her ear to the door* Ooh! It got all quiet! They might be doing something....  
  
Boberto: But Ania's a screamer....*cough* so I've heard  
  
All: *shudders*  
  
Timoty: But seriously, the two of THEM?! That's just WRONG....and what Boberto just said comes really close  
  
(And then the door opens and the three pepping-Toms fall to the floor)  
  
Wesley: We heard the whoooole thing  
  
Ania: *smacks Boberto*  
  
Boberto: I'm not your punching bag, HE is! *Points to Timoty*  
  
Me: Sick sick bastards  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Back downstairs...)  
  
Nikole: That's it?? You didn't fend off any sharks or almost get eaten by giant squids, you just washed up on shore?!  
  
Me and Wesley: Yup.  
  
Nikole: Booooooring  
  
Timoty: So, you two were alone in that cave in Lidieria all night, huh? Well, Wesley if I must say...good choice *takes a sip from his drink*  
  
Ania: *smacks Timoty*  
  
Timoty: Hey! Watch the drink!  
  
Boberto: What's that now, three times? I think I'm winning this bet, Wesley  
  
Wesley: No, only twice -- that one time was you smacking Timoty, not Ania.  
  
Boberto: But I'm still winning.  
  
Wesley: Are you now?  
  
Me: Anyway....Timmy, do you REALLY think I would let Wesley touch me?  
  
Timoty: I see your point...and don't call me Timmy  
  
Me: Whatever Timmy...besides, Ania -- he was thinking of you the ENTIRE time....wasn't he happy to see ya, eh? *Wink wink nudge nudge*  
  
Wesley: I was? Actually...  
  
Me: Shut up, I'm trying to help ya out here.  
  
Timoty: *aside to Boberto* Ya know, something's different about Tina...  
  
Boberto: You're telling me  
  
Me: *throws up my glass* Drinks all around! *Chugs a pint*  
  
Leroy: Tina....put DOWN the alcohol...  
  
Boberto and Timoty: *evil smile* We'll take care of her  
  
Me: Aww, aren't you nice boys? Ya know, Timmy, purple really is your color...  
  
Timoty: Thank you...not...  
  
Me: What a nice cape you got there, Boberto! Say, where are we goin'?  
  
Wesley, Ania, Leroy, Nikole: Oh my....  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(As we leave the hotel...)  
  
Me: Shhhhhh....not so loud...  
  
Wesley: But, I didn't say anything  
  
Me: SHHHHH!!!!  
  
Drunk man: Oh woe is me!  
  
Me: Really, you should stay away from that...nasty stuff  
  
Drunk man: But I have no choice! The Dragon drove me to drink!  
  
All: Dragon?  
  
Drunk man: YES! The Dragon in Prison Island! Six months ago, it destroyed my house! And my boat! And my life! Oh woe is me *sobs*  
  
Boberto: Six months ago...same time that Stacy first started impersonating Andrea  
  
Timoty: Brillant deduction, Sherlock!  
  
Leroy: Was that sarcasm or not? Me confused...  
  
Me: My son, renounce the evil sauce, and go away with God! *Takes a swig from his bottle*  
  
Wesley: Thank you, Saint Tina  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(We had to go back to Lidieria since the path to Prison Island was flooded. The mayor was still playing cards with some random townspeople and, even though all Boberto wanted to do was get his "gamblingbling" on, we politely asked the mayor to ebb the tide. Yeah, that's what I'm gunna call it...polite...)  
  
Wesley: Danger's my middle name  
  
Me: No it's not! It's.....what IS your middle name anyway?  
  
Wesley: None of your business  
  
Me: Oh, I get it...it's gotta be some queer name like Herman or London, right?  
  
Wesley: Shut. Up.  
  
(But the mayor did it anyway, so we go to Prison Island. Nothing exciting happens in the Undersea Cave on the way to the Island, unless you count fighting random sea creatures [except for that fire-based sea horse] exciting. When we reach the Prison Island, we found an interesting scenario playing before our eyes....)  
  
Timoty: *whispering* Where's the Dragon?  
  
Boberto: Shut up! I wanna hear this....  
  
Stacy: Here's the Moon Dagger you wanted, but I didn't kill those Humans like you told me to. Why are you bothering with them anyway?  
  
Jimbo: It's none of your business...it's never anybody's business...  
  
Stacy: Well, no matter *slips her arms around his neck* I just want my hot prize from you...  
  
Wesley: Jimbo!  
  
Stacy: ExCUSE me, but we're a little BUSY here  
  
Jimbo: *mouths* No we're not  
  
Me: He's your "love"? Silly silly girl...  
  
Stacy: Oh no, I am not the silly one...that would be you, missy  
  
Leroy: CAT FIGHT! MEOW, HISS!  
  
All: ....  
  
Jimbo: *wiggles out of Stacy's grip* Well well, I'm so glad you all are here, no doubt to try and get back the Moon Dagger. Oh! King Boberto! I wasn't expecting you....are you frustrated over me taking your Moon Gem, or does it concern Melvin more?  
  
Wesley: Don't you say his name!  
  
Jimbo: Wesley Wesley Wesley... you must hate me... I mean, I ordered the attack on Seles, I ordered Ania's capture, I stole the life of your friend Melvin, AND I stole your girlfriend away from you.  
  
Me: *blushes*  
  
Ania: You slut  
  
Nikole: DAMN he's mean....why can't you Catholics just stick to reading the Bible?!  
  
Jimbo: I'm heading to the country of Mille Seseau -- come join me if you can survive *disappears in a flash of white light*  
  
Stacy: Hold it, guys. That's very nice of him to offer you an invitation, but I'm afraid you'll hafta decline it  
  
Me: Really now?  
  
Stacy: Yes! *Transforms into the Blue-Sea Dragoon* Now try and beat me -- not only am I a Wingly, I'm also a Dragoon!  
  
All: We know. We have eyes  
  
Stacy: Regole! Let's go!  
  
*Screen dissolves, battle begins*  
  
(Oh joy, we get to fight her again. It's basically the same as in the Twin Castle, except now she has Dragoon magic and she's wearing more clothes. But her attacks are cool to watch, I might add. Regole really doesn't attack you until after you defeat Stacy, but like Ferybrand, he isn't as menacing as they make him out to be. His only really damaging attack is where he creates a tidal wave; other than that he can really only wack you and attack you with his EVIL BUBBLE GLARE!!!)  
  
*Cricket chirps*  
  
Me: *eye twitch* Damn the crickets!! *Chops it in half with my sword*  
  
Wesley: That really wasn't necessary....really, it wasn't.....  
  
(Okay, okay, you kill Regole and Stacy yells "How dare you!" and flys down from her perch just so Wesley can do his great end-of-the-battle-move)  
  
Stacy: Jimbo....*prepares her Xena-disc-thingys* my life....is for you....*throws them as she falls to the ground and dies*  
  
(Stacy's final attack is sent straight towards Wesley)  
  
[*ahem* Ania]  
  
Ania: What?  
  
[This is your cue!]  
  
Wesley: *standing, watching the discs come his way* Should I do something?  
  
Ania: *sigh* DUCK YOU DUMBASS!  
  
Wesley: *ducks*  
  
Disc thingys: *crash into the cave wall*  
  
Wesley: Okay, wasn't someone supposed to shield me?!  
  
Ania: *nervous laughter*  
  
Me: Oh look, Stacy's Dragoon Spirit is leaving her body....and stopping in front of Nikole...  
  
Nikole: Ooooooooh...preeeetty....*DS shines bright blue* YAY!! I'm a Dragoon!! *Jumps up and down, Meru-style*  
  
*Acquired Dragoon Spirit of the Blue-Sea Dragon*  
  
Me: "When Dragoons come and go, time does slow" no, I said that after we killed Mitch the Bitch...damn, I can't think of a random quote.  
  
Nikole: *still jumping up and down, Meru-style*  
  
Wesley: Then please, do us a favor and don't say a random quote.  
  
Me: Okay, I'll just think to myself *looks very serious* {This is too much of a coincidence...what does fate have in store for us Dragoons?}  
  
All: Riiiiiight  
  
Nikole: *STILL jumping up and down, Meru-style*  
  
Timoty: NIKOLE!!! STOP!  
  
Nikole: *stops jumping* What?  
  
Wesley: We're going back to Fletz to tell King Leif that we couldn't get his Moon Dagger back  
  
Nikole: Ummm....okay *leaves the cave, jumping up and down*  
  
All: -_-;  
  
Timoty: Somebody hit her!  
  
Ania: *smacks Timoty*  
  
Timoty: Not ME, HER!!  
  
Boberto: HAH! THAT was three times, Wesley my man  
  
Wesley: No comment from you  
  
Me: Drinks all around!  
  
Leroy: Me only sane one....  
  
A/N: To all the Hermans and Londons: Sorry that I called your name "queer" (unless, of course, you really are like that, then no apologizies) 


	23. Chapter 22: PARTAY!

Author's Note: My annoying alter ego in the [brackets] is back with a vengence and she is causing my characters much grief, so you are forewarned. But good news: this is the last chapter of the second disk! =yay=  
  
Disclaimer: Yes you guessed it...I don't own LoD  
  
Chapter 22: PAR-TAY!  
  
All: What?  
  
[Party]  
  
All: Oh...  
  
(Back to Fueno and back on the Queen Fury)  
  
Readers: *boo*  
  
Skip: *deep breath* I love the sea, don't you, Ricky?  
  
Ricky: Let's not start that again....  
  
Wesley: Uh, Commodore? We need another boat ride --  
  
Skip: A woman of the sea is not concerned with such trivial pursuits! Hey, that's a really cool game -- LET'S PLAY TRIVIAL PURSUIT!!!  
  
Me: Let's not and say we didn't  
  
Wesley: Let's say we go to Fletz, and then really go to Fletz!  
  
Skip: I said a woman of the sea -- oh, Fletz? Well, um, okay....hey, Wesley! Have you ever thought of becoming a woman of the sea? I mean, man of the sea, I mean....  
  
Me: No, I think woman of the sea works  
  
Nikole: Then what does that say about you, since you dated him? And me, since I dated him too?! Wesley, is there something you should tell us?  
  
Wesley: No!  
  
Timoty: How bout transvestite of the sea?  
  
Wesley: You're not helping!  
  
Ricky: Let's just get them on board...ready to go?  
  
All: Yes  
  
Skip: YAY! Another adventure! Casting off...  
  
(Again, we are on the Queen Fury....how about seeing what the kids are up to?)  
  
Ania: I don't understand, why do you two want me hooking up with Wesley anyway?  
  
Nikole: Well, we figured since we already dated him, it's just fair to share him with you  
  
Me: Yeah, like that guy with the Nova...well, except I haven't dated him yet, so I guess that doesn't count....okay, another thing to add to my to- do list  
  
Ania: I still dunno how I feel about getting "leftovers" -- especially YOURS  
  
Me: You're so funny! *Pushes her*  
  
Ania: Ow!  
  
Leroy: CAT FIGHT! MEOW, HISS! *Cough* I mean...argh?  
  
Guys: Nice going  
  
Boberto: Next time, we send ME to eavesdrop  
  
Girls: GO AWAY! *Throws shoes at the guys*  
  
(Alrighty then.....we finally arrive in Donau)  
  
Wesley: I said Fletz!  
  
Skip: What do you want me to do? Sail my ship ON LAND?! Geez louise.... now, if you excuse me I must be off! A woman of the sea cannot stand the sight of land for too long! *Singing* Yo ho yo ho a pirate's life for me...  
  
Wesley: Quickly! Someone restrain her!  
  
Boberto: *covers my mouth, preventing me from joining in the singing*  
  
Me: *licks Boberto's hand*  
  
Boberto: EWWWWW!!!! She licked me!!!  
  
Me: *evil smile*  
  
(We travel through the Barrens AGAIN)  
  
All: Dammit!  
  
(Until we reach our final destination of Fletz. Just as we were about to enter the items shop, we noticed Princess Andrea address her adoring public once again)  
  
Townsperson 1: *gasp* It's Princess Andrea!  
  
Townsperson 2: The REAL one!? Oh my god!  
  
Andrea: I've heard that for six months, someone has been impersonating me and creating a variety of social mishaps....I just want to apologize for what that woman did.  
  
Townspeople: It's not your fault, Princess! Don't blame yourself! We love you, Andrea!  
  
Andrea: ^_^  
  
Boberto: *sigh*  
  
Wesley: Swoon later  
  
(Back into the Castle, much to the dismay of our friend, the gatekeeper)  
  
Officer: *death glare*  
  
All: *cheerful wave*  
  
(Back into the Chamber of the Sun, to visit King Leif, Alona, and Andrea once again)  
  
All: *bows*  
  
Leif: Nevermind the formalities! You are our honored guests! Not only did you drive out the Eastsiders, you also vanquished the Sea Dragon in Illisa Bay!  
  
Wesley: But we didn't get back the Moon Dagger....  
  
Leif: Who cares? It's just a stupid little memento.  
  
Wesley: Then why did you send us off to Illisa Bay to retrieve it if it was just a "stupid little memento"?!  
  
Leif: You kids just looked so eager to go get it, what else would you have me do?  
  
All: *smacks foreheads*  
  
Leif: Um....how bout a banquet?  
  
Nikole: Is that the same as a party?  
  
Leif: Yes  
  
Nikole: WOHOO! PAR-TAY!!  
  
All: What?  
  
Nikole: Party.  
  
All: Oh  
  
[Just said that!]  
  
Leif: Go and enjoy yourselves, while my staff prepares the banquet!  
  
All: YAY! *Runs out of the throne room*  
  
Boberto: Uh...there's something I need to do, so yeah I'll see you guys at the party  
  
Wesley: What?  
  
Leroy: Me too  
  
Timoty and Nikole: Us too  
  
Wesley: Where are you guys going?  
  
Me: We're doing you a favor, Wesley...don't worry, you'll thank us later *wink wink nudge nudge*  
  
(The five of us left, leaving Wesley and Ania all by themselves)  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Standing on the bridge connecting the Towers of the Moon and Stars, Wesley and Ania profess their undying love to each other)  
  
*Cricket chirps*  
  
Wesley: Good thing Tina's not within earshot  
  
Me: *from all the way across the castle* DAMN THE CRICKETS!!  
  
(Or maybe not...)  
  
[C'mon!! Pleeeeeease, just SAY you love each other, you don't hafta mean it!]  
  
Wesley and Ania: NO  
  
[You must! Or else the story won't progress properly!]  
  
Wesley and Ania: We don't care  
  
[And if it doesn't progress properly then you don't go home!]  
  
Wesley: You're bluffing!  
  
[Don't test me! I got seven full-grown Dragoons who are perfectly content just sitting around the Bale inn getting drunk and watching you losers play out their lives supporting me!]  
  
Dart: Just as long as you don't involve us in the story directly....I said NO INVOLVEMENT!  
  
Wesley: Fine, I love you Ania!  
  
[No no no...SHE'S gotta say it first]  
  
Ania: *through gritted teeth* I love you Wesley  
  
[Aww, say it like ya mean it]  
  
Ania: You said I didn't hafta mean it!  
  
[Haven't you ever heard of acting?]  
  
Ania: *growls* Okay, but you hafta go away first!  
  
[Fine, I'm leaving *leaves*]  
  
Ania: Thank you....anyway....*ahem* Wesley, I love you  
  
Wesley: Really?  
  
Ania: No, I'm just playing along  
  
Wesley: Alright then...  
  
Ania: Let me continue with my sappy speech! I've loved you since the day we met (in Seles), and even when you went away, I loved you even more  
  
Wesley: You coulda fooled me  
  
Ania: Shh! No interuptions......wait, that was it. Yup, that's the end of my love confession.  
  
Wesley: Oh....would you like me to respond?  
  
Ania: Well that would be nice!  
  
Wesley: Um...I love you too?  
  
Ania: That works  
  
[*sniff* It's so beautiful....]  
  
Ania: I thought you left!  
  
[I'm omnipresent, I can't leave -- I can only be silent for a while]  
  
Lady's Maid: Psst, hey! Are they almost kissing yet?  
  
Wesley and Ania: That's pushing it!  
  
Lady's Maid: Oh, well then I might as well tell you now (since I can't interupt you kissing) that I want you to gather everyone up and then bring all the girls so I can get them fitted for their dresses  
  
Ania: I *twitch* don't wear *twitch* dresses  
  
Lady's Maid: Um, yeah, that's it *leaves*  
  
Wesley: I have a feeling that someone else is gunna come and try to interupt us again....  
  
[Aren't you perceptive]  
  
Binchenzo: Hey, guys! Wesley, why the sour look?  
  
Wesley: I'm not sour...  
  
Binchenzo: Oh, that's just the way you normally look...nevermind then....but, yeah, the party's starting so you two need to find the rest and go to the Chamber of the Sun  
  
Wesley: We know, we're going  
  
Binchenzo: Yes, always a pleasure...stupid white people...*leaves*  
  
(The search for the five Dragoons is on! Oh, won't this be fun)  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(In the guest bedroom....)  
  
Me: *leaning against a bed post, Rose-style* {I'm a hero....he would laugh at me... but I would have to laugh at him first because he's dead and I'm not, haha. Wow, that was mean....} *smile* {Oh my god, a sincere smile! I haven't done that since I got this Choker} *holds up the choker, then puts it back on* {Well, that's a lie....}  
  
*Enter Wesley*  
  
Wesley: Hey  
  
Me: Hey, what brings you in here? Don't tell me you got tired of Ania already  
  
Ania: No! Who would grow bored with this? *pops her hip*  
  
Me and Wesley: .... no comment  
  
Ania: X-P  
  
Wesley: Anyway, the party's starting  
  
Me: Oh, fun.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(As we pass the kitchen)  
  
Cook: Out, out, OUT!! *Shoves Nikole and Timoty out of the kitchen*  
  
Nikole: Ahh, c'mon, we just want a sample!  
  
Timoty: Not even a big one, just like a little one!  
  
Wesley: You guys can eat all you want at the party  
  
Nikole: Oooh, PAR-TAY!!  
  
All: What?  
  
Nikole: Omg, we've said that three times now and you STILL dunno what it is?!  
  
All: No.  
  
Nikole: If I need to explain, then it's not worth explaining....  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Up in Andrea's room)  
  
Andrea: Wow, all your adventures sound soooo exciting! And dangerous too, how can you not have any fear?  
  
Boberto: It was nothing....*slicks back his hair* Ya know, it was me who defeated the Sea Dragon....the others, they just kinda helped me out  
  
Andrea: Wow....  
  
Wesley: Oh, are you naive  
  
Boberto: Wesley!? Uh, what are you guys doing here?!  
  
Me: Ooooh, Boberto, you stud! Maybe you could get pointers from him, Wesley.  
  
Wesley: Shut up, I got my bases covered  
  
Nikole: Haha, too bad you didn't get past first base with the two of us *refers to me*!! *Cracks up laughing*....ah, I kill myself...  
  
Wesley: If only -- *covers his face* just kidding, don't hurt me!  
  
Boberto: Is there a REASON you guys came here?!  
  
Wesley: Yes, to tell you the party's starting  
  
Boberto: Oh. Okay  
  
Andrea: When will I see you again?  
  
Boberto: *takes her hand* When the stars fill the sky and the Moon That Never Sets smiles upon us  
  
Wesley: You could just say "tonight at the party!"  
  
Timoty: *dragging Boberto out of the room by his cape* Excuse me Andrea, while I go and beat your Romeo senseless  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Finally, in the training area in the basement)  
  
Leroy: *swinging his axe around* {Leroy} *swing* {has} *swing* {friends....but, they've always been Leroy's friends! That make no sense....}  
  
Wesley: Leroy?  
  
Leroy: *swings his axe around and nearly hits Wesley* Don't do that  
  
Wesley: I was gunna say the same thing! By the way, the party's starting  
  
Leroy: PAR-TAY!!  
  
Nikole: HAH! At least SOMEBODY is intelligent enough to figure out what "party" is expanded! High five, big guy! *Holds up her hand*  
  
Leroy: Uh....no...  
  
Nikole: X-P  
  
Lady's Maid: Ah, I see you have all the ladies with you! Let's bring you back here and get you changed into your dresses!  
  
Me: None for me, thank you...I feel naked without my sword  
  
[The second best line in the game!]  
  
Nikole: No dress for me! I can't dance in those stuffy things! Plus, I've just gotten used to wearing this outfit, I think if I change into something less revealing then I'll freeze my buns off again  
  
All: Too much information  
  
Lady's Maid: That just leaves you, Ania  
  
Ania: I don't wear dresses EVER!  
  
Me: Not even for a fancy party? Or someone's Confirmation...I won't name names *coughMINEcough*  
  
Ania: Oh get over it  
  
Wesley: C'mon Ania, just play along...  
  
Ania: No!  
  
Me: *whispers to Nikole* On the count of three, we bolt....one, two, three *bolts with Nikole*  
  
Lady's Maid: Now you have no choice  
  
Ania: Noooooooooooooooooo!!  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Somehow, Wesley is stranded in the middle of the party)  
  
Wesley: How did they get separated from me so fast?  
  
Timoty: Hey Wesley! *Slaps him on the back*  
  
Wesley: Ow! *Rubs his back*  
  
Timoty: Man, this punch ROCKS!! *Raises his glass* You really should try some....oh, lookie lookie  
  
(Two women, one in a red dress and one in a blue dress, approach the two Dragoons)  
  
Woman in Blue Dress: Oh my! It's Mr Wesley!  
  
Woman in Red Dress: We have heard soooo much about you!  
  
Blue Dress: Oh, don't be so fresh with him, I spotted him first!  
  
Red Dress: No you didn't!  
  
Blue Dress: Yes I did! *Rips off the other woman's necklace*  
  
(And a real catfight insues -- hair pulling, clothes tearing, the whole works. Yet, no one but Wesley and Timoty notice)  
  
Wesley: Shouldn't we stop them?  
  
Timoty: Hell no! Hey, Leroy! Check it out!  
  
(Leroy whips around from the banquet table to see what Timoty wanted him to "check out." Food spewed from his arms as he did so)  
  
Leroy: *food dribbling from his mouth* CAT FIGHT! MEOW, HISS!  
  
Wesley: You might be a little late with that....seriously, Timoty, do something!  
  
Timoty: *sigh* Fine...hey, ladies! Why don't we take this outside  
  
Women: Huh? Okay *attaches to both of Timoty's arms, and disappear with him*  
  
Wesley: Damn, we're never gunna be able to come back here....oh, hey Leroy!  
  
Leroy: *still stuffing his face at the buffet*  
  
Wesley: Um...have you seen Ania?  
  
Leroy: No.....hey, where be fighting ladies?  
  
Wesley: They went outside with Timoty  
  
Leroy: Little bitch....TIMOTY!! SHARE THE BOOTY!! *Leaves*  
  
Wesley: I -- but -- no comment...  
  
(He doesn't have much luck with Nikole, either)  
  
Nikole: This party BLOWS! You need to get some REAL dance music up in here! Hey, Wesley, you wanna dance?! *Shakes her hips and does other various pelvic thrusts in his direction*  
  
Wesley: I...don't dance  
  
Nikole: You're just like all the other snooty guys in here! Phooey!  
  
Wesley: Well, have you seen Ania?  
  
Nikole: No, I've been too busy trying to get a train going! Hey, Boberto! Let's dance! *Shakes the big bow on her ass*  
  
Boberto: Busy here! *Turns back to Andrea* So, where were we?  
  
Andrea: You were telling me about how you broke out of Hellena Prison and rescued Wesley, Ania, Tina, and Timoty  
  
Boberto: Oh yes, I remember....so, Swaim was about to pound Wesley into a bloody pulp --  
  
Wesley: Have you seen Ania?  
  
Boberto: No. Now go away.  
  
Wesley: Fine -- and I was the one who saved Boberto from prison, Andrea!  
  
Lady's Maid: Mr. Wesley! Miss Tina requests a word out on the balcony  
  
Wesley: Oh joy, what is she gunna say? Will she insult my dancing moves?  
  
Nikole: But you have no moves, Wesley!  
  
Wesley: I know! *Walks out onto the balcony* What do you want?  
  
Me: *examines my fingernails* That's very rude of you  
  
Wesley: Well exCUSE me  
  
Me: I meant about her -- you just gunna let her stand out here all night? She'll catch her death of cold! And I thought you loved her...  
  
Wesley: Wha? Oh....  
  
(He finally found Ania, pouting in a blue dress)  
  
Wesley: Oh Ania you look.....nice....  
  
Ania: Stop trying to compliment me, it's not working. Let's just get this disk over with.  
  
[You know what that implies?]  
  
Ania: *groan* Oh look, a falling star  
  
Wesley: That's....nice?  
  
[Now kiss her!]  
  
Wesley: What?!  
  
[Ya, you heard me!]  
  
All the other Dragoons [who have now joined me on the balcony]: *chants* Do it, do it, do it, do it!  
  
Wesley: *stands there awkwardly, then quickly kisses Ania on the cheek*  
  
Nikole: That SUCKED!  
  
Boberto: Tongue! We want tongue!  
  
Timoty: But...them?! Why?!  
  
Boberto: Okay, so who won that bet?  
  
Me: We didn't bet on that, Boberto  
  
Boberto: Wha?! We didn't bet on it?! But -- why?!  
  
Leroy: One bet at a time  
  
Boberto: Noooooo!  
  
Nikole: See, he really does have a problem  
  
Me: You might as well just give me your money, Boberto, you woulda lost to me anyway  
  
Boberto: How do you know?  
  
Me: I'm the Almighty Author -- I'm all-knowing  
  
Boberto: But -- you -- I -- oh, here! *Reluctantly hands me $5*  
  
Me: *does the Charleston* I'm in the money! I'm in the money!  
  
Ania: *sigh* It's just not fair....  
  
*Please insert disk three....please wait....* 


	24. Chapter 23: Kamuy, the Wolf on Stereoids

Author's Note: The reason for the wide gap in updates: banishment from the computer. Something about not finishing summer homework....? Randomness, and a really big wolf. Fun stuff.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD so don't sue me  
  
Chapter 23: *DISK THREE* Kamuy, the Wolf on Stereoids  
  
Please insert disk three.....please wait....  
  
(As the Queen Fury sailed the vast ocean, a small port-town approached on the horizon. Ania quickly summoned the other Dragoons to the ship's hull, so we too could enjoy the view. They surveyed the village with a careful eye, while I barfed up my breakfast over the side of the ship)  
  
All: Eeeeewwwwwwwwwwww.....  
  
(And so begins.......)  
  
FATE AND SOUL  
  
(The Queen Fury docked at the port of Furni, approapiately called the "water city." Skip is still standing at the helm, periodically saying "I love the sea!" while Ricky rubbed his temples and us Dragoons hopped from the Queen Fury onto the land.)  
  
Skip: *deep breath* I love --  
  
Ricky: THE SEA!! I KNOW!! Why don't you say anything else?!  
  
Skip: I dunno......because that's all the dialogue Tina can think to give me?  
  
Leroy: First time me crossed ocean  
  
Me: And my last!  
  
Boberto: Really, the cook shouldn't have served those southwest omelets for breakfast....even I'M starting to feel it coming back up.  
  
Timoty: Soooooo....we're here. Now what?  
  
Wesley: Well, due to our previous experiences, Jimbo is most likely NOT to be wandering the watery streets of Furni  
  
Nikole: Coming from you that sounds like.....what's that word I'm looking for?  
  
Timoty: Total bullshit?  
  
Nikole: That's it, total bullshit.  
  
Wesley: That's two words  
  
Me: Hey, that's damn good bullshit I wrote that bullshit  
  
Ania: Let's see how many times we can use "bullshit" in a sentence  
  
Boberto: Is that a bet?  
  
Ania: No  
  
Wesley: We still haven't settled our bet, Boberto.  
  
Boberto: Oh yeah.....Ania, hit Timoty  
  
Ania: *hits Timoty*  
  
Timoty: *sarcasm* Oh, the pain.  
  
Ania: *hits him again*  
  
Boberto: Five times, I win. Gimme $10  
  
Wesley: $10?!  
  
Boberto: Yes, because that's how much money I lost to Tina  
  
Wesley: *grumbles, but gives him the money anyway*  
  
Me: Can we go find out what there is to do in this town?  
  
Wesley: Is that a question or an order?  
  
Me: Order  
  
(While cruising through the small town, we find a congregation of warriors and mercenaries listening closely to the resident knight, Sir Harris [I think that's his name....])  
  
Wesley: I still dunno what a mercenary is....  
  
Harris: The wolf called Kamuy is rabid and dangerous. Five times larger prize for the person who kills Kamuy without harming Teo, the boy he's taken into the Evergreen Forest.  
  
Warriors: Yeah! Five times larger prize! *Other various cheers*  
  
(One of the warriors [who looks suspiciously like that first guy you fought in the Hero Competion waaaay back in disk one] approaches Wesley...I'll call him Brutus)  
  
Brutus: Hey, you thinking of getting that five times larger prize? Well, don't! Cuz I'M getting it!  
  
Wesley: Five times larger prize? Larger than what? Ya know, he could be only offering you like 5 G.  
  
Nikole: Feeding him more bullshit, Tina?  
  
Me: Bullshit with a point.  
  
[Bullshit count so far: 7]  
  
Harris: Calm down back there! The important thing is that we kill Kamuy and bring Teo back safely.  
  
Warriors: Whatever  
  
[The reason I'm not assigning some more of my friends parts as Harris, Teo, etc etc is because I think that the creators of LoD got bored and randomly added this bit in Furni about Kamuy just so they could make the third disk slightly longer than the first two.]  
  
Harris: *to Wesley* Sorry about Brutus. Everyone's just on edge right now  
  
Wesley: We noticed....so what's to do in this town?  
  
Harris: You'll need a boating pass in order to get around -- they're available at the hotel.  
  
Me: Oh god, not more boats....  
  
(So, on to the hotel...)  
  
Hotel manager: Hello, and welcome to Furni! You folks in need of a boating pass? Well, are you helping in the hunt for Kamuy?  
  
Wesley: ... no  
  
Hotel manager: Well, that's too bad 'cuz they get free boating passes.  
  
Wesley: Did I say no? I meant....  
  
Boberto: I'll handle this -- I'm Boberto, the King of Serdio.  
  
Hotel manager: So?  
  
Boberto: Shouldn't I get a free boating pass then?  
  
Hotel manager: The mayor never said anything about giving free boating passes to royalty.....but, wait, how many of you are there? Seven? Hey, you guys came on the Queen Fury, didn't ya?!  
  
Wesley: Yeah....  
  
Hotel manager: Oh my! You guys are the heroes from Tiberoa! Well, that DEFINETLY deserves a free boating pass!  
  
*Acquired boating pass*  
  
Hotel manager: Also, go visit the mayor! He'd be so excited to meet you folks!  
  
All: Whatever.  
  
(We navigate the streets of Furni in our little boat. Thankfully, I did not throw up once since I got off the Queen Fury)  
  
All other Dragoons: *cheers*  
  
(So, we visit the weapons and items shops [Healing Fogs, yay!] and talk to random fisherman before heading over to the mayor's house)  
  
Mayor: Where are they?! The heroes from Tiberoa?!  
  
Wesley: *swaggering* You asked for some heroes?  
  
Timoty: Wesley, I can't see the mayor over your inflated head!  
  
Wesley: *nervously pats his head* What?! What's wrong with my head?! What?!  
  
Ania: Didn't you do a joke similar to that when we were in Hoax?  
  
[I might have, I don't remember anymore]  
  
Me: It's....just really sad.  
  
Nikole: What? That you can't remember or that Wesley's head's big or that Wesley doesn't know that his head's big or that he can fall for the same gag twice or....  
  
Me: Yes, yes, yes, and yes. And those other questions you have: the answer is yes.  
  
Nikole: So I can bash Wesley with my hammer?!  
  
Wesley: No.  
  
Mayor: .....  
  
Me: Oh, right! You, mayor...guy...  
  
Mayor: Um....come in? But I dunno if I want you seven around my daughter anymore.....  
  
Leroy: How old?  
  
Mayor: Too young for you  
  
Me: Oh, no girl is too young for Leroy! He likes to rock the cradle, don't ya Leroy?  
  
Nikole: BURN!  
  
Leroy: That cold.  
  
Wesley: It's a burn, yet it's cold.....  
  
Timoty: DON'T think. Thinking makes you die! No, wait that's talking....  
  
Me: That's what I do.  
  
Nikole: Talking or thinking or dying or....??  
  
Me: Burning Leroy and Wesley and everybody else in my path!!!  
  
Ania: We're ignoring the mayor guy again.  
  
All: Sorry! What did you need?  
  
Mayor: I was gunna talk to you about the Kamuy situation but then again.....  
  
Wesley: No, it's okay, we'll be good.  
  
(Enter the Mayor's daughter, Fa. She doesn't talk and she quickly attaches herself to Ania's legs)  
  
Mayor: This is my daughter  
  
Me: Down, Leroy  
  
Leroy: You cold  
  
Me: The Ice Queen  
  
Ania: Hi there.  
  
Fa: *still attached to Ania's leg*  
  
Mayor: Seems she's taken a liking to you  
  
Timoty: God knows why  
  
Ania: *smacks Timoty*  
  
Wesley: That's SIX times!  
  
Boberto: I already won the bet, Wesley but *pats him on the back* nice try  
  
Ania: What's your name?  
  
Mayor: She doesn't speak....well, I mean, she USED to speak but then she was attacked by the wolf, Kamuy. This same Kamuy took her best friend, Teo, into the Evergreen Forest with it. Fa hasn't spoken since.  
  
Me, Ania, Nikole: Aaaaaaawwwwwwwww you poor thing!  
  
Wesley: What was Teo doing with a wolf anyway?  
  
Mayor: It used to be this cute little cub, but something happened and it turned into a rabid beast. It's very unusual.  
  
Wesley: Hmmm, yes, indeed *strokes his chin*  
  
Nikole: Bullssshhhh --  
  
Ania: *cover's Fa's ears*  
  
Nikole: *very quietly* Bullshit  
  
Wesley: I didn't say anything!  
  
Me: Ah, yes, but you looked like you were thinking -- that's bullshit right there  
  
Ania: Please! The child!  
  
Me: Oh, like she'll repeat it.  
  
Mayor: Before you corrupt my daughter, can I ask that you take care of the Kamuy situation?  
  
All: Yes, you may ask.  
  
Mayor: ..... will you take care of the Kamy situation?  
  
All: Sure. Whatever.  
  
Mayor: Great! I'll ignore the fact that you all are complete mental cases and invite you to stay the night!  
  
All: Yay!  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(After we are fed dinner, Fa is still attached to Ania, but she's starting to yawn constantly)  
  
Ania: Are you tired? You wanna go to bed?  
  
Fa: *nods*  
  
Ania: Okay, I'll lie down with you  
  
[The way Shana says it in the actual game sounds really wrong to me ("let's go to bed together" _) ....but maybe I just have a sick mind. That might be it.]  
  
Timoty: Aww, I never knew you had it in you  
  
Ania: Had what in me?  
  
Timoty: The ability to be nice  
  
Ania: *smack*  
  
Boberto: Maybe you shouldn't talk to her the the duration of the story.  
  
Timoty: That might be best  
  
[Okay, this is the part where Ania/Shana sings a sweet little lullaby to Fa, and Timoty/Haschel recognizes it and has ANOTHER flashback to Rogue -- a different one, though -- and then Ania/Shana tells him that Wesley/Dart's mother sang it to him (Dart). The moment you, the Readers, and Timoty/Haschel find out that he is Wesley/Dart's grandfather. BUT NO ONE ELSE MUST KNOW!! It's a terrible secret, you know]  
  
Timoty: Yeah, like I would tell any of them that I'm related to HIM *refers to the oblivious Wesley* -- do you know how much Tina would make fun of me?!  
  
[Alot, actually. And I would know. Anyway, I'm explaining it you the Readers instead of the characters "acting" it, so to speak, because 1) Ania can't sing]  
  
Ania: Yes I can!  
  
[No, mouthing imaginary words to songs you don't know does NOT count as singing]  
  
Ania: *pouts*  
  
Nikole: HEY!! *Pouts*  
  
Boberto: Please, no more pouting contests  
  
[And 2) the whole Wesley-Timoty relationship is just....wrong....as is everything else in this god damn fic]  
  
All: Damn skippy  
  
Ania: She's asleep. Where did Wesley go?  
  
Boberto: Outside. On the roof.  
  
Nikole: Oh, I hope he doesn't fall or jump off  
  
[Nah, he wouldn't -- besides, even if he did, he's expendable]  
  
Wesley: Thanks. I REALLY feel loved now.  
  
[No problem]  
  
Ania: *goes outside on the roof* What's on your mind?  
  
Wesley: Nothing, really  
  
[Well I coulda told you that]  
  
Wesley: Why don't you just go away?  
  
[No -- I'm omnipresent, remember? You DO know what omnipresent means?]  
  
Wesley: Yes  
  
[Liar]  
  
Ania: Then just be silent for a while -- I'm trying to move on with the story!!  
  
[Well exCUSE me, of course I'll follow your orders Your Majesty]  
  
Boberto: That's me!!  
  
Wesley: .... anyway, I was just looking up at the Moon over there *points to the Moon That Never Sets*  
  
Ania: You mean the one that never sets?  
  
Wesley: Yeah. Sure. Ya know, the Moon has started to play a central role in our quest lately  
  
Vicente/Binchenzo [who are, in fact, the same person]: I coulda told you that!!  
  
All: ... and all the way from Tiberoa...or wherever the hell he is ...  
  
Nikole: *now eavesdropping on Wesley and Ania* Bullshit!! Bullshit, bullshit, la la la la la la!  
  
[Bullshit count so far: 12]  
  
Ania: *clutches her head* OW!  
  
Wesley: What's wrong?  
  
Ania: *Dragoon Spirit glows and she begins to shake* My head.....it hurts! And I'm....losing control of my Spirit!!  
  
Wesley: Hey! Someone help us up here!  
  
Ania: *faints*  
  
Nikole: Oh my god!  
  
[I don't remember whether she faints there or not, but I thought it was a nice touch]  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(The following morning.....)  
  
Mayor: Is your friend alright?  
  
Wesley: Yeah, she'll be fine...she's done this alot and nothing long term has happened yet  
  
Timoty: Are you sure? I mean...  
  
Me: Actually, she's been like that for a while.  
  
Ania: I'M RIGHT HERE!!  
  
All: WE'RE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!! NO SHOUTING!!  
  
Mayor: So, you will take care of Kamuy? You seven are probably crazy enough to actually beat him  
  
Me: Oh, you have NO idea how crazy we REALLY are *eye twitch*  
  
Mayor: I believe you. Good bye *pushes us out of his house*  
  
All: Rude  
  
(Wandering through the Evergreen Forest. We will be doing this alot.)  
  
Me: *whistles the tune "Heigh-Ho"*  
  
Nikole: *singing along with me* Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho! It's off to fight we go! Another enemy is about to die HEIGH-HO! Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh- ho....  
  
Wesley: That's pretty clever, did you just make that up?  
  
Nikole: Actually, I've been working on that since we arrived at the mayor's house  
  
Me: I would expect that from Wesley, but Nikole.....not you.....  
  
[Don't act so surprised, you're the one developing her character]  
  
Me: No, that would be you  
  
[Oh yeah]  
  
Wesley: Is she arguing with herself??  
  
Me: Ya know, maybe I WILL let Nikole test her mallet on you  
  
Nikole: YAY!!  
  
Boberto: Hey, look over there!  
  
Me: I think most of us are smart enough to not fall for that trick, Boberto (key word: most *glares at Wesley*).  
  
Wesley: I didn't do anything!  
  
Me: But it's a nice attempt at changing the subject.  
  
Boberto: Seriously, there's a kid on top of a wolf over there!  
  
Timoty: Sounds like a personal problem to me.  
  
Kamuy: *roar*  
  
(Realizing that Boberto was telling the truth, we whipped our heads around and noticed Sir Harris from the village and the rest of the eager warriors, especially "Brutus")  
  
Harris: Teo! Please, come down here! You must leave Kamuy!  
  
Teo: No! Kamuy's not bad! He didn't attack Fa, he saved her!  
  
Harris: He's dangerous!  
  
Brutus: Enough talking, I want that five times larger prize!  
  
Teo: No!  
  
Kamuy: *roars, then knocks down Harris and the warriors and flees for another part of the forest*  
  
Wesley: Interesting...  
  
Ania: I dunno what Teo's on, that animal looks like a threat to society to me  
  
Me: Like you?  
  
Timoty: I was gunna say that!  
  
Boberto: I wanna know what KAMUY'S on...probably massive stereoids....he looks like he could join major league baseball  
  
Me and Leroy: *death glare*  
  
Timoty: I wouldn't say that around the avid Dodgers fans *discretely points to me and Leroy*  
  
Boberto: Thanks, I coulda used that information two minutes ago.  
  
Nikole: I say we follow them!! Onward! *Races toward where Kamuy ran off to*  
  
All: Whatever  
  
(We follow Kamuy and the group to a dead end in the Evergreen Forest. There is an opportunity for you to retreat, but it's not like this boss is hard or anything, so don't be afraid and go ahead and beat the crap outta the stereoid-induced wolf)  
  
Teo: Please don't hurt Kamuy!  
  
Harris: You can't protect him forever!  
  
Brutus: I want that prize! *Swings at the wolf*  
  
Kamuy: *roars, and pins down Brutus*  
  
Brutus: No! Please don't kill me! *Cries*  
  
All: How pathetic  
  
Harris: You folks! Do something already!  
  
Wesley: *draws his sword* Fine, fine, we'll kill the damn thing  
  
Teo: Stoooooooooooooppp!!  
  
*Screen dissolves, battle begins*  
  
(The worst thing this puppy can do is stun your people and pin them onto the ground and eat them. And Wesley/Dart doesn't even do his special move at the end! I told you, random boss to make the disk [and this chapter] longer. By the way: the five times larger prize refers to five times larger than 100 G [which is 500 G for all you math geniuses, which I am not]. That's how much dinero you get for killing Kamuy)  
  
Teo: Kamuy! No, please don't die!  
  
Me: Sorry kid, we hardly ever leave them alive  
  
All: That's mean!  
  
Me: I know, but I gotta keep up my mysterious cold-hearted bitch image.  
  
Ania: I may be contradicting myself, but *pulls out her Dragoon Spirit*.... White-Silver Dragon, heal Kamuy!  
  
(The effects of Kamuy's stereoids wear off and he returns to being a happy little puppy dog)  
  
Teo: Yay!  
  
All: Bullshit!  
  
Ania: What?! I did something nice!  
  
Wesley: You couldn't have done that when Melvin was near death?!  
  
Ania: Oh....I guess I didn't think of it at the time.  
  
All: Bullshit  
  
[Bullshit grand total (spoken dialogue only): 14] 


	25. Chapter 24: Tina and Nikole Goin' Solo

Author's Note: I apologize deeply for the long pause between udpates! I blame school! Anyway, this is THE most amusing part of the game -- I dunno bout my fic, but it's the most amusing part of the game. My sis and I die laughing everytime we watch it. This, the theme song, and Albert are the reasons we play this game so many times. But beware of the many videos! And thanks for the reviews!!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD...just Boberto, Timoty, and Leroy ;-)  
  
Chapter 24: Tina and Nikole Goin' Solo  
  
(Wohoo, running through the Evergreen Forest. Almost to Dennigrad, when I suddenly appear from out of Wesley [where do the other characters go in the game anyway? In Dart's pants?!] and stop dead in my tracks)  
  
Wesley: Tina, what's wrong?  
  
Me: I just remembered, I need to go run a quick errand *jumps to the other side of the canyon*  
  
Boberto, Timoty, and Leroy: Tina don't leave us alone with them!!  
  
Wesley and Ania: We feel loved.  
  
Me: Don't worry! Meet me back in Dennigrad, I'll be fine! *Leaves*  
  
Boberto: YOU'LL be fine?! What about us *refers to himself, Timoty, and Leroy*?!  
  
Ania: You killed it.  
  
Boberto: It will never die  
  
(Meanwhile, Nikole tries to be slick and sneak away unnoticed)  
  
Nikole: sneak sneak sneak  
  
Timoty: And where are YOU going, young lady?  
  
Nikole: Damn, what tipped you off?  
  
Timoty: You saying "sneak sneak sneak"  
  
Nikole: Oh.......  
  
Wesley: So I take it that you're leaving too?  
  
Nikole: Yes.  
  
Wesley: Where?  
  
Nikole: Uh....I'm....I'm just going to visit my parents! That's it! Innocent, little visit heh heh...bye! *leaves*  
  
Wesley: That was....interesting...  
  
Boberto: Guys, do you realize what this means?!  
  
Timoty: *gasp* No!  
  
Leroy: Ania only female in group now!!!!  
  
Boberto, Timoty, and Leroy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
Ania: Ha. Ha. Very. Funny. *Grabs Boberto and Timoty by the ears and drags them all the way to Dennigrad*  
  
Boberto and Timoty: Ow ow ow ow ow!!  
  
Leory: *laughs at their pain*  
  
Ania: *kicks Leroy in the ass* I wouldn't be laughing!  
  
Leroy: Ow  
  
Wesley: *laughs at their pain*  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(The...uh, majestic city of Dennigrad. Actually, my sister would describe it as "annoying" but that's just her opinion. First place we walk into is the church....our favorite part of the game...)  
  
Bishop Jayson: The end of the world is protected by the Signets of SO-AH! But if we remove evil from our hearts and follow the teachings of the DIVINE TREE, then we will fulfill the will of SO-AH and live in happiness.  
  
Congregation: *leaves*  
  
[How random]  
  
Bishop Jayson: *notices the Dragoons* Oh, have you come to hear my sermon on the DIVINE TREE?  
  
Wesley: We're three feet in front of you, you don't hafta shout.  
  
Boberto: You could say the same for her  
  
Ania: WHAT WAS THAT?!  
  
Boberto: *covering his ears* I'm deaf!!!  
  
Bishop Jayson: Ah, but it is much more fun to say DIVINE TREE rather than Divine Tree. Plus that's all I hafta do in this game -- SO-AH! DIVINE TREE! That's my job right there.  
  
All: So does that mean that you won't give us a sermon?  
  
Bishop Jayson: No.  
  
All: Dammit.  
  
*VIDEO TIME!!*  
  
Bishop Jayson: The DIVINE TREE is the tree of life. All life comes from this DIVINE TREE.  
  
Timoty: Did you figure that all by yourself or did your mommy help you?  
  
Bishop Jayson: *ignore* In the beginning of the world, there was nothingness.....and then, the creator SO-AH created A GREAT TREE!  
  
*DIVINE TREE grows from the ground*  
  
Boberto: Maybe they should call you Redundant Jayson  
  
Ania: *snort* Oh yeah, that's clever  
  
Bishop Jayson: No more interuptions! The DIVINE TREE bore 108 fruits, which ripened and became the species that roam the continent -- Minitos from the 97th fruit, Gigantos from the 99th fruit, Dragons from the 105th fruit, Humans from the 106th fruit, and Winglies from the 107th fruit.  
  
[That took me a long time to figure out the correct sequence of fruits from the DIVINE TREE]  
  
Wesley: So you're basically telling us that we're all fruits?  
  
Boberto and Timoty: Oh, if only Tina were here  
  
[But you still have her omnipresent and omniscient alter ego!!]  
  
Wesley: Crap.  
  
Bishop Jayson: *still ignoring them* The 108th fruit has yet to be born, for that fruit is the Moon Child..... "count 108 years and when the Moon That Never Sets glares red, the Moon Child --"  
  
Wesley: "Will descend and fill the world with a holy bliss" We know, we heard it from Binchenzo already.  
  
Bishop Jayson: SILENCE!!  
  
Wesley: *cowering* Please don't hurt me  
  
*END VIDEO*  
  
[I swear, it's much funnier in the actual game]  
  
Dragoons: Wow. Divine Tree.  
  
Bishop Jayson: No, no, you must say it DIVINE TREE!!  
  
All: Riiiiiight  
  
Timoty: That was a random ending to a video.  
  
Bishop Jayson: No, I was going to end it there anyway.  
  
Ania: No mention of the Black Monster?  
  
Bishop Jayson: Whatever, if you already heard the Moon Child quote then you should know of the Black Monster  
  
Wesley: Do you know where he is?!  
  
Bishop Jayson: No, I just preach. If you want to know more about the DIVINE TREE or the will of SO-AH! or the Black Monster, just visit the Mille Seseau National Library.  
  
[Warning: Boberto is not an actual intellectual, only for the sake of my fic]  
  
Boberto: THE Mille Seseau National Library?! You mean I'll be in the presence of the greatest collection of intellectual works in all of Endiness?!  
  
Bishop Jayson: ....yes  
  
Boberto: Oh, I don't know if I am worthy of such knowledge!  
  
Librarian Toth: Pipe down, I'm trying to pray! *Praying* Oh mighty gods that rule this universe....please let my students pass the AP test....  
  
[Wanna know who Toth is? My chemistry teacher -- THE best chemistry teacher IN THE WORLD (I say this because out of the goodness of his heart, he gave me an A on my semester report)]  
  
Toth: You're welcome  
  
Jayson: That's the librarian by the way. Talk to him. Now, I must meditate about the DIVINE TREE and the will of SO-AH!!  
  
Timoty: THANK YOU  
  
*Exit Jayson*  
  
Toth: *still praying* And I beg that you not have my in-laws stay for an extended visit.....  
  
Wesley: Uh...hello?  
  
Toth: What?! You interupted my prayers again! Good, this means I can write a referral! I never get to do that....  
  
Ania: We're not in school  
  
Toth: ....I knew that. What do you want?  
  
Boberto: Library....must....see.....library!!  
  
Toth: Then go see it, you are in high school! You're big boys...and girl. Oh wait, I locked the door. Okay, follow me.  
  
Timoty: He is such a hot old guy --AACK!! NO!! I mean, he's such a HAUGHTY old guy! I -- uh-- read the script wrong.  
  
Wesley: We weren't given a script  
  
Timoty: SHUT UP! I'M STRAIGHT -- STRAIGHT AS AN ARROW I TELL YOU!  
  
[He has issues, I know]  
  
(On to the library!!)  
  
Toth: Have at it gentlemen....and lady  
  
Timoty: Just cuz she's a woman doesn't make her a lady  
  
Ania: *smack*  
  
Timoty: Dammit, I wasn't supposed to say that aloud!!  
  
Boberto: *about to wet himself, he's so excited* The book are calling to me! Coming my loves! *Runs off to emerce himself in the books*  
  
Other Dragoons: *raised eyebrow*  
  
Leroy: *getting dizzy* Gigantos lose to books.....  
  
[Leroy lost to books WAAAAY before this game]  
  
Leroy: Ouch, cold.  
  
Wesley: Let's just spread out, then maybe we can find more information on Jimbo and the Divine Moon objects faster.  
  
Ania: Since when did we start investigating Jimbo and the Divine Moon objects?  
  
Boberto: Since disk one, DUH  
  
(Let's see what Ania has found)  
  
Ania: Here's a book on the Black Monster, but all it says is that he showed up sometime after the Dragon Campaign and destroys towns every 108 years....if only Tina were here, she'd tell us alot.  
  
Wesley: If Tina were here, she'd insult, condsend, and then hit me!  
  
Ania: All the more reason to have her here  
  
Wesley: *through clenched teeth* You're not helping, love of my life  
  
Ania: Call me that and I swear --  
  
Leroy: HEY! Who wants to see what I found?  
  
Wesley: *still growling at Ania* Okay, Leroy, what did you find?  
  
Leroy: *shows Wesley an open book* Pretty pictures!  
  
Wesley: And they call ME dumb  
  
[Well actually --]  
  
Wesley: Shut it.  
  
Leroy: Me thinks they be Winglies.  
  
Wesley: *reading* "Winglies once ruled ancient Endiness, but were overthrown by Humans in the Dragon Campaign 11,000 years ago. Since then, they have been extinct." But Stacy, who was a Wingly, was alive.  
  
Leroy: Not anymore!  
  
Wesley: Yeah, courtesy of us.  
  
[Wow, you guys deserve some applause *applause*]  
  
Toth: Hmmm! Hmmm!  
  
Wesley: How random  
  
Toth: *pacing between Timoty and Boberto* Dragons...Dragoons....they all had to do with the Dragon Campaign!  
  
Timoty: Did you figure that out all by yourself, or did the bishop's mommy help you?  
  
Toth: You've just earn yourself a "F" young man.  
  
Timoty: No! *Falls to the floor*  
  
Wesley and Boberto: Whatever.  
  
Boberto: Ooooh, I found some books on politics...these will be very useful to my plan for world domination *evil chuckle*  
  
Wesley: Can you do that later? We're looking for information on the Divine Moon Objects  
  
Boberto: Fine then...I did find this book on Virages, but all it says is that they were "magical beings" manipulated by Winglies and used against Humans and Dragoons in the Dragon Campaign.  
  
Me: Humph, I coulda told ya that.  
  
All: *raised eyebrow*  
  
Me: I mean -- I'm not heeeeeere *disappears*  
  
Timoty: Interesting. Well, I found this book on Dragoons. It says that they -- er, we are incarnations of Dragons that appeared at the beginning of the Dragon Campaign and haven't been seen since....well, now. I guess we Dragoons appear when history requires us.  
  
Wesley: When history requires us....  
  
Boberto: More like when the AUTHOR requires us.  
  
[Damn skippy]  
  
Toth: Dragons! Dragoons! Dragon Campaign!  
  
Wesley: What's with the outbursts about the Dragon Campaign?  
  
Toth: Not only am I a librarian, I am also a historian specializing in the Dragon Campaign and the Black Monster.  
  
Wesley: Black Monster?!  
  
Boberto: Oh, don't get him started on the Black Monster.  
  
Toth: Yes, Black Monster. In fact, I have an exhibit on the attack on Neet in the attic. I'm surprised someone so young remembers.  
  
Wesley: I'm a survivor of Neet!  
  
Toth: Good god!  
  
(Transition to the attic of the library)  
  
Toth: We had people collect artifacts from the site just after the town was destroyed and I had them preserved -- see, here is wheel from the princess' carriage, here's a stain glass window from the church, and here's a model of the ship that the princess was transported on out to sea in attempt to escape from the Black Monster.  
  
Wesley: That ship looks really familiar....  
  
[By the way, that's the Phantom Ship]  
  
Toth: I only remember one survivor of the attack -- Sacred Sister Alejandra.  
  
Wesley: I survived by running out of town, so I was gone by the time rescue teams came  
  
Toth: Interesting....c'mere and look at this stain glass window -- it depicts the legend of the Black Monster and the Moon Child  
  
*VIDEO TIME*  
  
(We get to listen to Toth speak while apocalyptic images of a winged black beast devouring naked people with blood dripping from the beast's mouth, as well as images of a Jesus look-a-like, flash in the background. I swear the makers of "Legend of Dragoon" ripped off Catholic paintings of Judgement Day and the Last Supper to get these images. Or maybe that's just me.)  
  
Toth: Long ago, Winglies ruled ancient Endiness, enslaving the continent and all of its inhabitants. Melbu Frahma was the dictator of the Winglies, therefore making him the dictator of the world. He drew his ultimate power from the gods by imprisoning them in the sky, known as the Moon That Never Sets. Then, 11,000 years ago, the Humans and Dragoons lead by Emperor Diaz defeated Melbu Frahma and the Winglies and gained control of the world, as well as setting free the gods. In turn, the gods promised the Humans a savior: "count 108 years when the Moon That Never Sets glows red, the Moon Child will descend and fill the world with holy bliss." But instead, the Black Monster appears. The Black Monster hates the Moon Child and anything that has to do with the god, so every 108 years the Black Monster kills the Moon Child and anyone else within the town. And the gods remain trapped in the sky....why a curse, and not a blessing? No one knows....  
  
*END VIDEO*  
  
Wesley: Damn religious mysteries. Wow, that was very informative.  
  
Toth: I AM a teacher, remember  
  
Wesley: Yes, well, I still don't know where the Black Monster is, but still informative.  
  
Toth: You should go see the gravesite in Neet sometime. I know you must have people that you would like remembered buried there.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Meanwhile, in Neet.....)  
  
Me: *shivering* Damn, why is it so cold?! And what's with all this snow?! Armor is not exactly a great insilator.....dammit, I'm from Southern California, "cold" and "snow" aren't in my vocabulary!! *Notices the burnt town and massive graveyard* Aww crap, now I feel all sad and guilty....I HATE feeling all sad and guilty.....  
  
???: Mother, I'm back  
  
(I go to investigate the voice. I find two identical twins, one of them kneeling in the snow next to a stone memorial and the other standing next to three Sacred Knights.)  
  
2nd Sacred Sister Alejandra: It's been eighteen years since I lost my sight, and since you and so many others lost their lives.....  
  
*ANOTHER FLASHBACK TO THE ATTACK ON NEET*  
  
(It opens the same way all Neet flashbacks do....the Black Monster engulfed in flames and strangling a knight of Mille Seseau, trying to get information out of him)  
  
Black Monster: Where is Princess Louvia?!  
  
Knight: I will never tell you!  
  
Black Monster: *burns the knight*  
  
Knight: Aaaaaaaaaaah!! *Dies*  
  
(Here's the difference: now the audience finds Alejandra [but not the other twin -- in the game, they're not related] and her mother holding each other, hiding in a burning stable. SWOOSH! The Black Monster appears before the cowering pair)  
  
Black Monster: Where is Princess Louvia?!  
  
Alejandra's Mother: *pleading* Please....don't hurt us....we've done nothing!  
  
Black Monster: Answer me!!  
  
Alejandra's Mother: She left for the sea....that should be enough to satisfy you! Now please, spare us!  
  
Black Monster: I have no choice -- once the Moon Child is born, I must destroy all who has gazed upon her before they become evangenlists for the god! *Burns Alejandra's mother*  
  
Alejandra's Mother: Aaah! *Dies*  
  
(The Black Monster disappears into the smoke, setting the stable aflame where Alejandra still lay crying)  
  
Alejandra: Mother? Mother, where are you?! *Cough* I can't see you, Mother! *Cough* I can't see!  
  
*END FLASHBACK*  
  
Alejandra: But I have gained a new sight -- the ability to see within a person. Lately, there has been much negative energy within Dennigrad....  
  
(My footprints interrupted Alejandra's speech to her desceased mother, and the knights form a circle around Alejandra and her twin, Sandra)  
  
Me: I'm sorry if I frightened you....  
  
4th Sacred Sister Sandra: Hi, Tina! It's okay, we know her.  
  
Alejandra: Tina? From our school? Oh, I wouldn't have known...you see, ever since my sister and I were drawn into this game I have seemed to become blind....  
  
Me: Yeah, it's me....oh good, I can tell you girls apart! This will make things much easier on everyone.  
  
[Usually when you see Alejandra and Sandra around school, they wear the same outfit, the same hairstyle, they even have the same backpack! Luckily, they are wearing the costumes from the game, so the guessing game can cease...for now]  
  
Alejandra: I guess....well, what brings you to such a sad place? I sense much conflict within your soul....  
  
Me: I'm sixteen years old....that's kind of a given.  
  
Alejandra: I still sense it, nonetheless.  
  
Me: I was just paying my respects....you heading back to Dennigrad? I'm going that way too, I could offer some protection.  
  
Knights: That's OUR job, ma'am.  
  
Me: Still, there's a lot of monsters in the forest and three knights by themselves might get overwhelmed.  
  
Alejandra: It's okay, guys. Lead the way, Tina.  
  
*Exit*  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Meanwhile, in the "home of Nikole"..... You don't know where Nikole's home is yet, but you do know that it is a hidden forest. Hmm...forest....)  
  
Nikole: It's good to be home! I wonder if anyone missed me? *Is hit with a magical fireball* Ow! Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing?!  
  
???: Who dares to break through our magical boundary?! ... Nikole??  
  
Nikole: Yeah it's me, who the hell....*gasp* Roddy!  
  
(The young platinum-haired man who hit Nikole with the fireball flew down to the intruder.)  
  
[*Gasp* If the people that live in Nikole's "home" are Winglies, that makes Nikole a....]  
  
Nikole: Wingly. Damn, I was wondering how long it would take you to figure that out.  
  
[I'm the Almight Author. I knew all along.]  
  
Nikole: Suuuuuure ya did  
  
Roddy: Nikole! I knew you'd come back to me!  
  
Nikole: I was just....in the the neighborhood.  
  
Roddy: But why did you come back? And why now? People around here are not in the best of moods....  
  
Nikole: I know I broke the sacred commandment, but this is my home! Well, my video game home, so I have a right to come back!  
  
Roddy: It's not just that...haven't you felt it? The tension within the earth?  
  
Nikole: Well....sorta....  
  
Roddy: It's because the seal of the Divine Dragon is weakening! It could be released at any time!  
  
Nikole: Crap! I'd better go tell my friends --  
  
Roddy: You have....Human friends?  
  
Nikole: Yeah, or else I'd get bored in the Human world. No worries, we're all Dragoons, we can handle a Dragon.  
  
Roddy: The Divine Dragon is not just any Dragon, and you know that. We also lost the Dragon Buster, one of the weapons to weaken the monster.  
  
Nikole: I still need to go tell my friends!  
  
Roddy: *grabbing her arm* Please, don't leave me! Stay here, I'll take care of you....I don't care whether you broke that stupid commandment, I'll make sure no one hurts you here.  
  
Nikole: You're sweet. I'll come back, I promise...just, not now. I gotta go *leaves the forest*  
  
[I decided to bypass the scene with Nikole and the Bardels and her parents -- we all know that she broke a big rule and now no one in her home likes her. That doesn't need to be elaborated on]  
  
(How cute, I gave Nikole a legitimate love interest! Your welcome. But no celebrating just yet....cuz ya know it's.....)  
  
*VIDEO TIME*  
  
(Deep underground, in the heart of the crimson volcano, chains rattled against the fiery walls. Boulders tumbled into the abyss, knocking against a huge grey mass on the way down. The mass slowly opened its seven menacing, slitted eyes and its seven wings spread out and over the volcano, inching closer and closer to freedom...and revenge....)  
  
*END VIDEO*  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Okay, back to Dennigrad [damn, lots of jumping 'round].....Wesley and the gang are just walking out of National Library with Toth)  
  
Toth: Remember, you should visit Alejandra in the Crystal Palace sometime before you leave town, and visit Neet sometime before you leave the country. *Returns back to the library*  
  
Timoty: Well that was a waste of time  
  
Wesley: Speak for yourself.  
  
Timoty: I do.  
  
Wesley: Okay then.  
  
Boberto: Hey, where are Tina and Nikole? I hope they'll be back soon, I need some female companionship...and you don't count  
  
Ania: F*ck you  
  
Boberto: I'd rather not  
  
Wesley: *quickly stepping in front of Ania* Let's go meet them at the city's border.  
  
(Just in time, because look who's just walking up!)  
  
Me: Hey guys! Did ya miss me?  
  
Leroy, Boberto, and Timoty: Hells yes *glomps [a death-grip hug]*  
  
Me: Awww, my hos have return to their pimptress.  
  
Alejandra: What's going on?  
  
Sandra: These are one of those times that you should be thankful that you are blind  
  
Me: Oh, guys, this is Alejandra and Sandra -- Alejandra and Sandra, this is Wesley, Boberto, Timoty, Leroy, and Ania. We ran into each other while I was out and about  
  
All mentioned: Hi.  
  
Boberto: Wait, you two are Sacred Sisters, aren't you?  
  
The Sacred Sisters: Yes.  
  
Boberto: Wesley, Alejandra is the other survivor of Neet  
  
Wesley: I coulda figured that out by myself  
  
All: No you couldn't.  
  
Alejandra: Is Wesley the one right in front of me?  
  
Sandra: Yes  
  
Alejandra: I thought so....Wesley, you've been having some bodily changes, haven't you?  
  
Wesley: It's called puberty and that was about two years ago  
  
Alejandra: I'm not talking about THAT! My god I'm smarter than that you know! I'm talking about your spirit!  
  
Wesley: Oooooooooh, I see -- but, how did you know?  
  
Alejandra: I'm physically blind, but I gained spiritual sight  
  
Boberto: Why don't we take this inside  
  
Me: What about Nikole? Is she here yet?  
  
Timoty: She's a big girl (although she doesn't always act like one) she'll find us sooner or later.  
  
(In the hotel)  
  
Wesley: So what's this about my body? Is it that it's so sexy?  
  
Me: You did NOT just go there  
  
Alejandra: Um...no.  
  
Boberto, Timoty, and Leroy: Shot DOWN!  
  
Sandra: *whispers to Alejandra* Why are we here again?  
  
Alejandra: I wish I knew....anyway, Wesley, you have recently acquired a great power, but you are still unfamiliar with it and it will soon be put to a great test.  
  
Wesley: You gunna tell me what the test is so that I can study for it?  
  
Me: Like that'll do you any good  
  
Alejandra: I am not Ms. Cleo -- I don't predict the future  
  
Timoty: She doesn't do that either  
  
Alejandra: All I do is see what's in your soul, and that was just in your soul.  
  
Wesley: *doubles over like he's just been kicked in the gut* Ow!  
  
Ania: What is it?  
  
(Our surroundings begin to shake)  
  
Wesley: *DS glowing brightly* Something's coming!  
  
[FREEZE!]  
  
(The characters all freeze and the screen fades to not complete darkness, but just enough light to be able to see me standing calmly against a wall [very Rose-like], Wesley doubled over, and everyone else looking veyr worried. On the screen in white appears the speech that I gave Wesley on the Queen Fury)  
  
Ya know what causes revenge? Insanity -- revenge makes a person enter insanity. It's the same for war. Our Dragoons Spirits help harness and chasten that insanity, so we can control it and use it against the forces of evil or what have you. Something BIG is gunna happen Wesley and you're gunna need to use that insanity in a way none of us can imagine....but given the meagerness of your Spirit, I wonder if you can handle it?  
  
[UNFREEZE!]  
  
Boberto: What was with the words on the screen?  
  
Me: Told ya! Foreshadowing! Does it make sense now, Wesley?  
  
Wesley: What?  
  
Me: Nevermind. You are beyond help  
  
*VIDEO TIME!*  
  
(Divine Dragon -- that big grey mass chained up in the volcano with the seven menacing eyes and sevn wings -- yeah, he broke free. He circles Dennigrad, stirring up dust and breaking a few roofs that were too high by safety standards anyway. People run through the streets screaming, babies cry, and some Dragon drool rains on an unsuspecting stranger)  
  
Unsuspecting Stranger: Eeeeeeewww....  
  
(But that's basically it. Not that impressive. Is that all ya got, bitch?!)  
  
Divine Dragon: *flips off the narrator, then flys away*  
  
(Yeah, that's right! Keeping flying, ya bitch-ass punk!)  
  
*END VIDEO*  
  
Sandra: My god! I've never seen a beast so big!  
  
Alejandra: I couldn't see him, but I felt his greatness....and hatred....  
  
Wesley: Wait a minute, is this my "great test?" The "something big" that will cause me to go insane? This damn Dragon?  
  
Alejandra: My god, I think he's got it! Took ya a while  
  
Timoty: Damn, even the blind girl can see how stupid you are!  
  
Wesley: Thanks for the encouragement, buddy.  
  
Me: Don't start celebrating yet, we haven't even touched the Dragon -- plus there's something else....  
  
Wesley: Crap.  
  
Nikole: *bursting through the hotel doors* OMG! OMG! Did you guys just see the Divine Dragon?!  
  
All: Yes.  
  
Me: How did you know what the Dragon was called?  
  
Nikole: I, uh...know everything?  
  
Me: That's my line, sorry.  
  
Nikole: Oh, who cares if I know?!  
  
Timoty: Well, I do.  
  
Leroy: Me too  
  
Nikole: Very funny guys. I mean -- who cares if I know as long as we take care of it?  
  
Alejandra: Good point.  
  
Nikole: ^_^  
  
Alejandra: We must go speak with Queen Megan immediately. You all are the legendary Dragoons, are you not?  
  
All: Yes  
  
Alejandra: Then you may be the only ones who can save us from the Dragon. Come with us.  
  
(And all exit, following Alejandra and Sandra to the Crystal Palace)  
  
A/N: Longest chapter, no wonder it took me so long to update! 


	26. Chapter 25: The Fcking New Girl

Author's Note: I just have to clear something up -- I know that in the Prologue, I said that we were all about to enter our sophomore year of high school (except for Wesley and Jimbo, they're a year older than the rest of us) but somewhere between the Prologue and chapter 24 we all became a year older. So now we are all officially juniors except for Wesley and Jimbo who are seniors. Just had to mention that. Anyway, Miranda fans -- the chapter you've all been waiting for!! (And Miranda haters -- the chapter you've been dreading!!). Censor man, be ready!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD and that's it  
  
Chapter 25: The F*cking New Girl  
  
(We enter the Crystal Palace, thankfully without any problems from the gatekeeper)  
  
Tiberioan Officer: I'm still watching you  
  
Me and Wesley: MY GOD!! GET OVER IT ALREADY!!  
  
(And we head straight for the throne room, where we find a tiny brunette wearing Miranda's clothes and accessories, as well a ring on each finger, claw-like purple nails, and heavy eyeliner, "debriefing" a Sacred Knight)  
  
Sacred Knight: I assure you, Sister Lorena, the knighthood has the monster problem under control.  
  
First Sacred Sister Lorena: Do you have any idea what the f*ck you are up against?!  
  
Sacred Knight: Well....yes....I believe I do....  
  
Lorena: *smack* You f*cking idiot! Don't underestimate the power of a Dragon, especially the Divine Dragon.  
  
Sacred Knight: *lip quivers* I'm sorry, Sister.  
  
(When I say debrief, I mean rip his self esteem to shreds -- and smack him around a bit)  
  
All: Damn!  
  
Me: Dark Evil One!  
  
Lorena: Lady Pimptress! *Hug*  
  
Wesley: What is this?  
  
Me: She's only been my best friend since kindergarten!  
  
Wesley: I see where the bitchiness comes from  
  
Lorena: Did you just call me a bitch?!  
  
(Lorena advances on Wesley, and even though he is twice her size, he retreats like a wippering pup)  
  
Wesley: No! No, not at all...I was calling Tina's behavior "bitchy"  
  
Me: After we meet with the queen, you're a dead man.  
  
Boberto: You just sealed your fate, Wesley my man  
  
Timoty: Yup, you just sentenced yourself to endless torment for the rest of this game  
  
Nikole: And you still got me and my hammer!! *Twirls her hammer*  
  
Ania: I wish I could help ya, Wesley, but....  
  
Leroy: Me feel bad for Wesley.  
  
Wesley: God must hate me.  
  
Queen Megan: Please, please, calm down Lorena  
  
Lorena: *deep breath* Fine.  
  
Queen Megan: Alejandra, Sandra, please introduce us to your guests.  
  
Sandra: Of course, Your Majesty. These are the Dragoons and we have asked for their assistance in defeating the Divine Dragon  
  
Lorena: They better know more about it than our incompetant knighthood  
  
Knighthood: *cries*  
  
Queen Megan: I am Megan, Queen of Mille Seseau and you have already met three of my four Sacred Sisters....oh, and this is Katherine, the Third Sacred Sister  
  
Katherine: Hi  
  
[Yes, that is the same Sacred Sister that Jimbo saved from bandits in Donau. But that will come into play later.]  
  
Me: We'll get right to business -- we need to know where the Dragon lives.  
  
Queen Megan: Of course -- the ancient Winglies imprisoned the Divine Dragon in the Mount of Mortal Dragon some thousands of years ago. And there are two weapons that can weaken him.  
  
Me: The Dragon Buster --  
  
Wesley: The same sword that Jimbo used to kill Melvin? Does that mean that Jimbo is trying to control the beast?!  
  
Me: *gasp* You actually made the connection!! OMG calendar moment!!  
  
Timoty: Stop the presses! Wesley has made the connection!!  
  
Wesley: God REALLY hates me  
  
Ania: ANYWAY, what's the other weapon?  
  
Me: Why don't you ask Nikole -- I think she knows what it is and where it's hidden.  
  
Nikole: Why ask me?  
  
Me: You know. Trust me.  
  
Nikole: Alright! It's the Dragon Block Staff and it's locked up in the Wingly Forest, in the north end of the Evergreen Forest.  
  
Boberto: But we were just in the Evergreen Forest, and I never saw any Winglies  
  
Nikole: That's because it's HIDDEN by a magical FORCEFIELD duh  
  
Ania: How do you know that?  
  
Nikole: Because....I know everything?  
  
Me: Nope. My line.  
  
Leroy: Used that joke last chapter  
  
[Dammit]  
  
Queen Megan: You mean Winglies are still alive?  
  
Nikole: {*whew* She saved my ass}  
  
Me: Yes, in fact, we already encountered one in Tiberoa  
  
[When I say encounter I mean kill]  
  
Queen Megan: I see....well, that this mean that you will go to the Winglies and implore for their weapon?  
  
All: ... sure....  
  
Lorena: I'm coming too.  
  
Queen Megan: Are you sure?  
  
Lorena: I will be an ambassador for you, Your Majesty  
  
Wesley: Uh....well, as the leader of the group....I dunno if you could...uh...  
  
Me: Who made YOU the leader of the group?  
  
Boberto: Yeah, I'm the king here!  
  
Lorena: I'm coming. *Death glare*  
  
Wesley: Please don't hurt me  
  
Alejandra: What I don't understand is --  
  
Me: How Wesley could think that HE is the leader of the group....  
  
Alejandra: No. I don't understand the reason that the Dragon attacked our city....I could see into the Divine Dragon's soul and I saw great hatred and revenge toward the city....it was very frightening.  
  
Me: Well, during the rule of Winglies, the Crystal Palace used to be a floating city run by Winglies, and it was the Winglies who imprisoned the Divine Dragon....the Divine Dragon was looking for the Winglies who imprisoned him and since he was locked up for over ten thousand years, no one informed him that Humans have gained control of the world and the Crystal Palace.  
  
(The royal family just stares blankly at me)  
  
Me: I know everything.  
  
Timoty: Believe me -- EVERYTHING.  
  
Royal Family: Oh.  
  
Queen Megan: Anyway, please make haste in your mission, for we do not know when the Divine Dragon will make his next raid.  
  
All: Riiight  
  
Timoty: Why don't YOU talk like that, Boberto? Ya know, all educated and stuff like that  
  
Boberto: I speak very good, and I got me a good edumication.  
  
Timoty: I have nothing to say to that.  
  
(Walking through the halls of the Crystal Palace....but wait a minute, I think we're missing someone)  
  
Wesley: Where's Ania?  
  
Lorena: Aw crap, we just get f*cking started on the journey and we already have set backs?  
  
Wesley: Language, please! She's probably just with the queen.  
  
(Back to the throne room)  
  
Katherine: Oh, Ania? Uh, she went in the back room *points*  
  
(The back room is large and nearly empty, except for that little ball of glowing light attached to the ceiling....what the hell is that, anyway?)  
  
Wesley: Ania, are you okay?  
  
Ania: *snaps out of a trance* Wha?  
  
Wesley: Are you okay?  
  
Ania: I dunno...where am I? How did I get here?  
  
Nikole: OMG she has AMNESIA!! She must have hit her head! Quick, someone do something!  
  
Me: Maybe an equally strong impact to her head will revamp her memory  
  
Ania: Stop it! I don't have amnesia! I just...don't remember how I got here  
  
[A classic dissociative moment]  
  
Lorena: This is the room where the Signet Sphere is held. Why the f*ck do you care?  
  
Me: Did it call you? Like the Virage?  
  
Boberto and Timoty: VIRAGE?! Holy crap!! *draws weapons*  
  
Me: Dumbasses  
  
Ania: *bends down, shaking* My head hurts again!! *DS glows, nearly blinding all of us* I can't control the Spirit anymore!!  
  
(Ania's DS departs her body, much like it would if she died, and it hung in the air for a minute before landing in front of Lorena)  
  
Wesley: *catches Ania -- she fainted again*  
  
Boberto: Damn, second time in three chapters.  
  
Lorena: WTF is this? Hey, answer me!!  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Now we've relocated to the guest bedroom, with Ania sitting on the bed.)  
  
Ania: I knew this would happen...every since Wesley and I gazed up at the Moon that night in Furni. I'm sorry guys, I don't think I can go to the Mount of Mortal Dragon with you.  
  
[We've been trying for three disks to get rid of Ania, and we have finally succeeded.]  
  
All: *looks at me, making me feel uncomfortable*  
  
Me: What? I'm just following the storyline.  
  
Lorena: I still don't understand what this thing is! Why the f*ck won't someone answer me?  
  
Timoty: Why the f*ck do you insist on saying f*ck?  
  
Lorena: Because I f*cking want to!  
  
Me: It's a Dragoon Spirit, Lorena. You grow wings and funky-cool armor and are able to perform magical spells, which, in your case, heal people.  
  
Lorena: Oh. Okay. That's all you f*cking had to say!  
  
Wesley: Ania, we'll come back for you after we defeat the Divine Dragon. You should be better by then *begins to leave*  
  
Nikole: Awww, no good-bye kiss? *giggles*  
  
Wesley and Ania: Don't push it  
  
Nikole: Fine then  
  
(And on that endearing little moment, the Dragoons slowly exit the chamber, with the newest one, Lorena, bringing up the rear. Ania calls her back.)  
  
Ania: Lorena? Take care of the rest for me, okay?  
  
Lorena: Okay.  
  
(Maybe I WILL end on an endearing moment)  
  
Nikole: BULLSHIT!!  
  
(Or maybe I won't) 


	27. Chapter 26: Culture Clash

Author's Note: yeah....  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD  
  
Chapter 26: Culture Clash  
  
[Before we go to the Wingly Forest, we're gunna make just one pit stop]  
  
Lorena: F*ck no!  
  
Timoty: Didn't you say that just before we fought Stacy, and we ended up running around the whole damn country?  
  
[I swear, it's only one stop...to Neet]  
  
(In Neet...)  
  
All: *standing in the snow, in front of the stone memorial*  
  
Wesley: Uh....yeah....  
  
Nikole: *sniff* It's so sad....anybody got a hanky?  
  
Boberto: *sniff* Here, use mine...  
  
Timoty: Oh god, don't tell me that you SERIOUSLY own a "hanky"  
  
Me: And were you just CRYING?!  
  
Boberto: *sniff* It is very manly to own a hanky...and just because you are the Ice Queen doesn't mean that I can't *lip quiver* pay my respects  
  
Nikole: Aw, c'mere, you poor baby *pulls Boberto into her bosom, like my aunt Edna does...if I had an aunt Edna...*  
  
Boberto: *smushed up against Nikole's chest* Oh, hello there  
  
Timoty: *aside to the boys* Maybe he's a smarter man than we all thought  
  
Leroy and Wesley: *nods in agreement*  
  
Lorena: F*cking idiots.  
  
(Awkward silence starting.....now)  
  
*Cricket chirps*  
  
Me: God DAMN!! They're everywhere!!  
  
[Must you all make everything so difficult?! Just grab the stupid Stardust and leave]  
  
(I think we've had enough of Neet....now, in the northern end of the Evergreen Forest)  
  
Wesley: It's a dead end.  
  
Nikole: Or so it would SEEM  
  
(She places her hand on the "dead end," and while doing so, wings of light sprouted from Nikole's back)  
  
Wesley: OMG you're a Wingly!  
  
Nikole: Took you long enough!  
  
Me: Why didn't you tell us?  
  
Nikole: Would you have thought of me the same if I told you when we first met?  
  
Boberto: Wow  
  
Timoty: Yeah, that's the first time that someone other than Tina has said something profound.  
  
Lorena: I think the word "f*ck" is pretty profound  
  
Timoty: You would think that, wouldn't you?  
  
Lorena: Yup -- I mean, f*ck yeah.  
  
Timoty: That's better.  
  
(And the portal to the Wingly Forest is opened while this meaningless conversation carries on)  
  
Nikole: Shall we?  
  
(Back into the "home of Nikole," except Roddy isn't guarding the entrance this time -- it's four young Winglies, although their concentrations seem to be somewhere else)  
  
Wingly 1: *looking at a magazine* Damn, check out the wings on HER!  
  
Wingly 2: Dude, lemme see! *Checks out the same magazine* Ooooooh, what I wouldn't do to get some of THAT!  
  
Wingly 3: C'mon guys, we need to be guarding the boundary  
  
Wingly 4: Just because you're a fag, doesn't mean the rest of us can't have a little fun *steals the magazine from Wingly 2*  
  
Me: Really, you boys should listen to the "fag"  
  
Wingly 3: I am NOT a fag!  
  
Winglies 1, 2, 4: Holy shit, Humans!  
  
Nikole: Guys, we need to speak with the Ancestor  
  
Wingly 3: I'll go check with the Ancestor *flys away*  
  
Wingly 1: *flys down to me* So, are all Humans as beautiful as you?  
  
Timoty: Smooth -- Wesley, Boberto, write that down  
  
Wesley: Okay *takes out a pen*  
  
Boberto: *hits him* He's being sarcastic  
  
Wesley: Oh.  
  
Me: You tell that to all the Humans that invade your forest, don't you?  
  
Lorena: *to Wingly 2* Don't. Even. Try.  
  
Wingly 2: Oooh, it suddenly got very cold in here....  
  
Nikole: How long can that kid take??  
  
Wingly 4: I dunno, but I know what we can do while we're waiting....*wink*  
  
(Wingly 3 finally shows up, stuffing his face with doughnuts and coffee)  
  
Wingly 3: The Ancestor will see you *slaps the hand of Wingly 2, who is trying to take his doughnuts* He's in the very back of the forest  
  
Wesley: Of course he is  
  
(Winglies are all about green teleporting devices. If you wanna get from Point A to Point B, even if Point B is five feet away, you must use the green teleporting device. Personally, they sound like some lazy bastards to me)  
  
Boberto: Lazy bastards? These are my kinda people!  
  
(When we first enter the Wingly building, we have a heart-felt encounter with Nikole's parents)  
  
Nikole: I love you Mommy! I love you Daddy!  
  
Nikole's Mommy and Daddy: We love you too Nikole!  
  
Boberto: I feel the love! Do you feel the love?  
  
Lorena: *blink blink*  
  
Boberto: O...kay then  
  
(The second encounter is another heart-felt one between Nikole and Roddy)  
  
Nikole: Roddy! What are you doing here?  
  
Roddy: I'm on probation...cuz I let you in the Forest  
  
Me: Oooh, bad boy  
  
Nikole: Who cares?! You need to be out there, helping us defeat the Divine Dragon!  
  
Roddy: Nikole, you don't understand -- the Ancestor will tell you, our power has severely depleted since the Dragon Campaign, and if the ancients couldn't even contain the beast, what makes you think I'll make a difference?  
  
Nikole: If you come with us to the Mount, you might just make a difference!  
  
Roddy: But the commandment!  
  
Nikole: Screw the commandment! If you really want to be with me, you'll come with me to fight the Divine Dragon!  
  
Roddy: Please, Nikole, just...don't leave me again  
  
Wesley: What's this?  
  
Roddy: Who's he *points to Wesley*?  
  
Nikole: Oh, it's a...long story, I don't wanna bore you  
  
Me: *nods in agreement*  
  
Wesley: Why, who are you?  
  
Roddy: I'm Nikole's fiance!  
  
All: !?  
  
Lorena: Maybe it's true about what they say about Winglies, how they age faster than Humans yet they still look young....  
  
Nikole: Fiance? Then where's my ring?!  
  
Roddy: I...uh....oh shit, I knew I forgot something.....  
  
Nikole: Fine then! Stay here! And don't give me a ring!  
  
(Finally, the last encounter we have before we meet the Ancestor is not so heart-felt....)  
  
Elder Bardel: Humans! You must not be allowed to pass!  
  
[The Bardel brothers are not important enough for me to give my friends their parts]  
  
Bardels: Bitch  
  
[I thought we got over that joke in the first disk!!]  
  
Elder Bardel: Anyway.... you must not be allowed to pass!  
  
Wesley: You said that already  
  
Elder Bardel: Of...course I did! Do not talk back to me, Human!  
  
Nikole: Why do you hate Humans so much anyway? You weren't like this when I left the forest  
  
Elder Bardel: It's all your fault for my hatred! My little sister was enchanted by your stories of the outside world, and how good the Human world could be, so after you left the forest, she went to try and follow you! And she was KILLED by a Human! It's your fault that she's dead, Nikole!  
  
Nikole: Oh, I'm so sorry....I didn't know....  
  
Elder Bardel: Your apologizes won't bring her back...and it won't take away my pain! *Wingly symbol, and he prepares a fireball* The only thing that can take away my pain is for all Humans to be dead! *Shoots the fireball*  
  
(Quick reflexes and, surprisingly, quick thinking allow Wesley to transform into a Dragoon and deflect the fireball)  
  
Wesley: Whoa.  
  
Me and Nikole: Nice.  
  
Elder Bardel: *on his knees* How dare you, Nikole.....bringing the legendary destroyers to our home!  
  
Me: Hmph, typical. Those who flaunt their power disappear when the truly powerful appear. *Leaves the room*  
  
Nikole: I'm still sorry *leaves*  
  
Wesley: Hey, I think she just complimented me!  
  
Timoty: STOP THE PRESSES! Tina has just complimented Wesley!  
  
Wesley: Well, now ya killed it! *Leaves*  
  
Lorena: *to Bardel* Yeah, stay down bitch!  
  
(So all the Humans [and the Giganto] leave Elder Bardel laying on the ground, and suddenly, his little hot-tempered brother appears)  
  
Elder Bardel: They're....Dragoons....I just couldn't.....  
  
Younger Bardel: *knocks out his brother* Pansy. I won't stop until all Humans have become extinct! *Disappears*  
  
[That's not nice]  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(We finally arrive in the Ancestor's, uh, office, for lack of a better word. Inside, we find a mini waterfall, a throne-like seat with stairs leading up to it, two doors....but no Ancestor)  
  
Lorena: WTF?!  
  
Nikole: Calm down, he'll be here....I hope so...  
  
(Just then, a little man with buzzed platinum hair wearing a pale blue tunic magically appears in the room...and he appears pissed off)  
  
Ancestor Swaim: You hate me. You must hate me.  
  
[Yes, this is the same Swaim that was the warden of Hellena, who we killed in disk one. I used my author magic and reincarnated him as Ancestor Swaim]  
  
(At that, the seven of us dropped to the floor laughing)  
  
Ancestor Swaim: That's right. Laugh it up, ya bitches. Go on, don't hold back.  
  
Boberto: *in between bouts of laughter* The bald man's wearing a dress!  
  
Ancestor Swaim: Hey, didn't you hear the narrator? It's a goddamn TUNIC.  
  
Boberto: Call it whatever you want --  
  
Timoty: Ma'am! *They collapse in laughter*  
  
Ancestor Swaim: At least I'm not wearing a freaking loincloth, like hairy over there! *Points to Leroy*  
  
Leroy: Me too sexy to be clothed, that's why.  
  
(The laughter suddenly comes to a dead halt)  
  
Leroy: What?  
  
Me: Do me a favor, Leroy -- never say that again.  
  
Ancestor Swaim: Anyway, I know why you all are here -- you want the Dragon Block Staff so that you can defeat the Divine Dragon. Fine with me, but you need to go to the Forbidden City.  
  
Wesley: Why is it called the "Forbidden City"?  
  
Boberto: Is that where all the Wingly hos congregate?  
  
Leroy: *praying* Please, let there be Wingly hos.....  
  
Timoty: Nikole, why aren't you in the Forbidden City?  
  
Nikole: *smacks Timoty*  
  
Timoty: Dammit, I thought when Ania left, that would end!  
  
Ancestory Swaim: Shut up, ya bastards. There are no Wingly hos in the Forbidden City.  
  
Boys: Dammit  
  
Ancestor Swaim: It's called the Forbidden City because I don't allow anyone from the forest to enter it. It's the ruins of the former Wingly capital, Kadessa. If y'all would step inside door number one, I'll take ya to the city.  
  
(As we all enter door number one, Nikole stays back and asks Ancestor Swaim for a favor)  
  
Nikole: Could you please get rid of the commandment that forbids Winglies from leaving the forest, so I can visit my parents and Roddy whenever I want?  
  
Ancestor Swaim: No.  
  
Nikole: But --  
  
Ancestor Swaim: I said no, bitch! Now go through the door!  
  
Nikole: You're mean *Pouts*  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Wesley: Uh, where's the city? I see nothing but flat, black land and a stairway that seems to lead up to the Moon That Never Sets.  
  
(Thanks for describing the landscape for me)  
  
Wesley: You're welcome.  
  
Ancestor Swaim: The city is far away, and only my great magical power can transport you there. Now, climb up the stairway.  
  
Boberto: Are we gunna use one of those green teleporting devices? I love those!  
  
Ancestor Swaim: Please keep your hands and arms inside the green bubble at all times, and you may experience some mild motion sickness.  
  
Me: Oh crap  
  
All: Tina sits in the back  
  
Ancestor Swaim: Thank you, goodbye *conjures a green teleporting bubble*  
  
Me: Wait, is there anything else that we should know? Like, are there any monsters in the city?  
  
Ancestor Swaim: *thinks for a moment* Not to my knowledge  
  
Me: Okay. Just hand me a barf bag, and I'll be fine.  
  
(The green teleporting device encloses our group and we fly through stone rings, to the ruined city of Kadessa)  
  
Ancestor Swaim: Poor bastards. 


	28. Chapter 27: Somebody Saaaaaave Meeeeeee!

Author's Note: Hell yeah, I have 69 reviews  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD...bee-yotch  
  
Chapter 27: Somebody Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaave Meeeeeeeeee!  
  
(We now land in the ruins of Kadessa. And we can't leave until we retrieve that....uh...what is it, again?)  
  
Me: Dragon Block Staff.......  
  
(Yeah, that's it. Thanks)  
  
Me: *rolls eyes* Anytime.  
  
(So we can't leave until we get the Dragon Block Staff)  
  
All: Crap.  
  
(Then go get that damn Block Staff!)  
  
All: Fine! We will!  
  
(But first we must pass through a large space.)  
  
Wesley: Wow. A large space.  
  
Leroy: Me smell blood.  
  
[How is it that every character in this game can smell blood? I just want to know]  
  
Boberto: Hmmm....large space......blood.....maybe, a coliseum?  
  
(Panoramic view of the "coliseum")  
  
Readers: Ooooooooooh...aaaaaaaaaaaaah....  
  
Nikole: Yes, it's a coliseum. Ancient Winglies used to have gladiator matches to the death in this coliseum, using Humans and Gigantos and other species that they enslaved. I...am a descendant of those Winglies....*looks very guilty*  
  
Me: Ya know, Winglies are like the white people of Endiness.  
  
Leroy: Damn white people  
  
[I'm white, so I can write that. And Leroy is WHITE so he can say that]  
  
Leroy: Me black  
  
[NO!]  
  
Wesley: That was really random  
  
Me: Your point? This entire place is really random. This entire story is really random. LIFE is really random --  
  
Wesley: I get it.  
  
Me: Do you, really?  
  
Wesley: Yes.  
  
Me: Then let's move on.  
  
(So from the coliseum you go to another empty space with more green teleporting devices, and then you come to a point where you can go straight to the Block Staff [after you defeat about five roulette monsters first] or you can go the long way. Let's take the long way, shall we?)  
  
Wesley: How about, no.  
  
[How about, yes, and I let you have children one day]  
  
Wesley: How are you gunna not let me have...*pauses* ya know, the long way sounds like a good way.  
  
[That's what I thought]  
  
Timoty: Pansy.  
  
Wesley: Hey, I'm trying to SAVE my balls, thank you very much.  
  
Lorena: Hard to do when you don't got any  
  
All: ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!!  
  
Lorena: *as an afterthought* F*ckers  
  
Me: That's my girl!  
  
Wesley: Can we just get on with it before I lose all my dignity in this place?  
  
(But something's blocking our way)  
  
Me: Oh my god!  
  
Wesley: What is this humongous brown mass with a lobster-like claw and hole through the middle of its body?  
  
(That was the second time you've done that for me, very nice! You're catching on!)  
  
Me: That's a Super Virage!  
  
*The theme to "Smallville" can be heard playing in the background*  
  
All: What the hell?  
  
Me: No, stop, that's all wrong!  
  
* "Smallville" theme abruptly stops*  
  
Nikole: Yeah, I know! I don't even LIKE that show  
  
All: *gasp* How dare you!  
  
Me: I mean, when I said "Super Virage" I didn't mean "Super-Hero Virage"  
  
* "Smallville" theme resumes where it left off*  
  
Me: STOP THAT!  
  
* "Smallville" theme stops again*  
  
Me: A *whispers, so as not to bring back the "Smallville" theme* Super Virage *returns to normal volume* is merely a Virage that is bigger and more powerful than a regular one. And judging by that hole in the middle of its body, I'd say its the same *whispers* Super Virage *normal volume* that killed Kimberly and Jose.  
  
Lorena: wtf is a "Virage" or some shit like that?  
  
Me: It's....a long story.  
  
Lorena: Well, it looks dead enough to me, let's just go over it  
  
Wesley: Uh...I dunno....the last two times we've encountered a Virage and we thought it was dead, it actually wasn't.  
  
Timoty: Maybe with Ania gone, it won't wake up.  
  
*Earthquake*  
  
Me: Or not  
  
(And, arising from the ashes, the Virage rips off its shirt to reveal a big "S" in the middle of his chest, right above the hole in his body!!)  
  
All: Riiiiight  
  
Me: Okay, maybe it IS a "Super-Hero" Virage, I could be mistaken  
  
* "Smallville" theme returns*  
  
Me: SHUT UP!!  
  
*Screen dissolves, battle begins*  
  
(Just because it's a Super Virage, doesn't make it any less menacing than a regular Virage. Just attack the head, and you're good. It is a good time to use up your spirit points, ya know, those things that measures how many turns you can last as a Dragoon...trust me on that. Oh, and one more thing: when you kill the Super Virage, it does one of those if-I-die-I'm- taking-you-to-hell-with-me kinda attacks, like the guards when you fight Swaim. Except the Super Virage's final attack can be really damaging, so make sure your people are in full health before you kill it)  
  
*After the battle*  
  
Lorena: Well, that was......  
  
Boberto: F*cked up?  
  
Lorena: Well, I was gunna say "interesting," but f*cked up works too.  
  
Me: I used to think that Ania was somehow the reason that Virages were waking up in our presence, but I guess its a strong vendetta against us Dragoons that wakes them up.  
  
Timoty: That's nice.....what would you like me to do with this information?  
  
Me: Process it...  
  
Leroy: And shove it up your ass!  
  
All: ..........  
  
Leroy: *ahem* I mean, argh?  
  
Me: Whatever. We still gotta find the Dragon Block Staff.  
  
(We shortly found the room with the Dragon Block Staff in it. We find it stuck in the ceiling)  
  
Leroy: *jumps up and down in efforts to get it* Me can't reach it.  
  
Nikole: No shit. Here, I'll do it *flys up to grab the Dragon Block Staff* It's stuck  
  
Wesley: Well, pull harder!  
  
Nikole: *still tugging at the Block Staff* I'm pulling as hard as I can!  
  
Wesley: It can't be that difficult  
  
*Earth rumbles*  
  
Nikole: *falls to the ground*  
  
Me: Dammit, Wesley! This is all your fault!  
  
Wesley: Why?!  
  
Me: You're the scapegoat! It just is!  
  
Boberto: What is that?!  
  
Me: It's the thing.....  
  
Boberto: The thing?  
  
Me: Yeah! Ya know, the thing with the stuff....  
  
Lorena: You mean the thing with the stuff in the place?  
  
Me: Exactly! See, she knows!  
  
All others: *blank stare*  
  
(What we are actually witnessing is the Grand Jewel.)  
  
All: What is that?  
  
(Hell if I know)  
  
Timoty: How did we end up with such an incompetent narrator?!  
  
(You guys are just lucky)  
  
*Screen dissolves, battle begins*  
  
Wesley: What the hell?! It wants to fight us?!  
  
Leroy: Obviously  
  
(You are about to fight the SECOND MOST RANDOM BOSS EVER! [The first one comes later] Since the Dragon Block Staff is in effect, Dragoon attacks and defense are weakened BUT there is a loophole! If you become a Dragoon for only one turn and then detransform, you can attack without getting killed. If you stay a Dragoon for more than one turn, the Grand Jewel basically kills you. Anyway, the Grand Jewel has these funky effects where you drop or raise five levels???? I don't know either, I didn't make the game. And why name it a "Grand Jewel"??? It doesn't look like a jewel at all!! Whatever. Eventually, we beat the thing with the stuff at the place and got a Spectral Flash and Gravity Grabber [hell yeah] among other things)  
  
*Acquired Dragon Block Staff*  
  
Wesley: I can't believe that Swaim forgot to tell us about a guardian  
  
Boberto: He didn't forget!  
  
Timoty: He deliberately withheld information!  
  
Lorena: F*cking bastard! Let's beat him down!  
  
Boberto and Timoty: Yeah! *The three of them run ahead*  
  
Me: Band freaks.  
  
(But wait, there's more!)  
  
*Earth rumbles...again*  
  
Wesley: Holy crap, we're not gunna fight something again, are we?  
  
Me: I don't think so....that sounds like....the Divine Dragon?  
  
*Divine Dragon flies overhead*  
  
Lorena: Holy shit! It's going for Dennigrad! Mother f*cker, it's too early! *Runs ahead*  
  
Divine Dragon: Ooooh girl you'd better recogniiiize! *Finger snaps*  
  
Timoty: I'm not too worried after that  
  
[What has happened to the Divine Dragon?! Why is the King of Dragons snapping his fingers like a Queer Eye?! Why is that show so addicting?!]  
  
Wesley: Why are you asking so many questions and steering us away from the topic?!  
  
[Why are you asking?!]  
  
Wesley: You can't answer a question with another question!  
  
[Why can't I?!]  
  
Lorena: Focus! We gotta save Dennigrad!  
  
(Right. Stay turned for our next installment to see if we do indeed save Dennigrad)  
  
Lorena: F*cking cliff hangers 


	29. Chapter 28: The Queen of Dragons

Author's Note: Long gaps between updating is hereby the fault of AP tests. This chapter offers a new interpretation of the Divine Dragon. If you don't like it, tough. By the way, I'm basing the Divine Dragon on this guy at my school who is really nice and says that he is "straight as an arrow," but his mannerisms suggest that of a Queer Eye guy. So the Divine Dragon is straight as an arrow! But you can be the judge of that...... PS: astericks have now been replaced with due to technical problems  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD or Sony or any of that shit.  
  
Chapter 28: The Queen of Dragons  
  
(After once again using the green teleporting devices, we arrived back at the Wingly Forest)  
  
Ancestor Swaim: Oh, you guys are still alive  
  
Timoty: Yeah, remind me to kick your ass when we get outta this place!  
  
Boberto: A double ass-kicking -- I still need to get ya back for tieing me to that steak in Hellena!  
  
Ancestor Swaim: You liked it.  
  
Me: Hello?! We need to get to Dennigrad.  
  
Ancestor Swaim: Oh. Well, I'll teleport you attempts to teleport us Nevermind. I don't have enough power.  
  
Roddy: I'll help! Helps with the teleporting  
  
Nikole: Roddy! You DO love me!  
  
Nikole's Mom and Dad: We'll help too! Helps with the teleporting  
  
Nikole: Mommy! Daddy!   
  
Nikole's Dad: We'll help Nikole and her friends save the country!  
  
(How touching. Everybody now -- )  
  
All: awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww  
  
VIDEO TIME  
  
(Some poor soul is riding one of his horse things toward Dennigrad when darkness covers the sky and dust flies all around. The source -- the Divine Dragon and his seven giant wings)  
  
Divine Dragon: I'm not that fat am I?!  
  
(No, sweetie. You're beautiful.)  
  
Divine Dragon: girlish giggle....oh, 'suze me, I gotta go destroy Dennigrad  
  
(You do that. Anyway, the Divine Dragon hovers over Dennigrad and releases the Divine Dragon Ball -- windows shattering, buildings collasping, people screaming, the whole nine yards. If that wasn't enough, the Divine Dragon flies to the nearest cliff and shoots the Divine Dragon Cannon directly at the Crystal Palace. The top half of the structure shatters and a mysterious yellow light shoots up to the Moon That Never Sets, covering the Moon's surface briefly with a yellow light. Hmmmm.....)  
  
(After the Divine Dragon was completely satisfied with the demoliton, he returns to the Mount of Mortal Dragon to do...whatever he does. Frankly, I don't wanna know.)  
  
Divine Dragon: Byyyyyye honey! kiss kiss  
  
(Right. Enter our heroes)  
  
Lorena: Holy shit!  
  
Boberto: Damn, I would hate to be the person who cleans this up in the morning.  
  
Timoty: I wonder how many times you've said that before  
  
Boberto: Only every time my brother has his stoner friends over  
  
White Chocolate: Bizznatch!  
  
All: ...  
  
Lorena: Pay attention!! The Crystal Palace!! Queen Megan!!  
  
Leroy: Speak in complete sentences!!  
  
Me: Says the man who speaks English as a second language  
  
(We followed Lorena as she raced for the ruined Crystal Palace)  
  
Leroy: Runs fast for little one  
  
(Inside the Crystal Palace, we find the stairway to the guest bedroom completely collasped in, and Alejandra and Sandra lay crying beside it)  
  
Wesley: Ania's room! Where is she? Is she okay?  
  
Sandra: She went into the throne room -- we'll take you there  
  
(In the throne room, Ania sat dazed and confused in front of Queen Megan and Sister Katherine. The room to the Signet Sphere also is collasped in. Hmmm....)  
  
Lorena: My queen! You're alright?  
  
Megan: Yes....it was quite strange....  
  
Wesley: Ania, what happened?  
  
Ania: I'm not sure.....I came out of my room, and came here cuz I felt something funny....  
  
Megan: Then, the Divine Dragon attacked, and Ania protected us!  
  
Sandra: Us, too! Was it a white light?  
  
Katherine: Yes, a white light! Coming from Ania's body!  
  
Me: This sounds like weird business...even for the seven of us  
  
Boberto: I agree.  
  
Wesley: Ania, I really don't think you should continue the journey with us  
  
Ania: Yeah, that sounds like....a good...idea passes out  
  
Me: Oh Christ  
  
All: glares  
  
Me: What?!  
  
Timoty: Leave it to you to ruin a serious moment  
  
Lorena: Oh shut the f-ck up  
  
Me: Thank you  
  
(I doubt that Ania passes out there, but it serves as a nice transition between the Crystal Palace and the hotel, where Ania was now boarding. Our group says our sweet little good-byes and me and Lorena establish some tension, and Wesley doesn't even say good-bye)  
  
Nikole: You are a horrible fake-video-game-boyfriend!  
  
(And we are off to the Mount of Mortal Dragon! The Mount of Mortal Dragon itself is very confusing and we got ourselves lost a couple hundred times before the top of the mountain became visible and we heard swords clashing and deep, low growls)  
  
Divine Dragon: Owwwwww! Stoop it, I just got my claws done!!!!!  
  
Jimbo: You disappoint me.  
  
All: More like high-pitched whining.  
  
Me: Well, it sounds like Jimbo can't control the beast, so he's gunna beat the crap outta of it first.  
  
Wesley: sarcasm No wonder he can't control the Dragon....it's just so aggressive and relentless. It's the Queen of Dragons.  
  
Me: gasp Do I detect a hint of sarcasm, dear Wesley?  
  
Wesley: Obviously, if it says sarcasm before my words  
  
All: OH MY GOD!!!!!  
  
Timoty: Wesley, you just punked Tina!! Maybe you do have balls after all  
  
Me: Pssh. You're just jealous that Jimbo's more of a bad-ass than you are. Let's just keep going.  
  
Boberto: patting Wesley on the back Ya know, Timoty and I have new found respect for you, Wesley. Whispering in a low voice But we WILL deny it if Tina askes.  
  
(More confusing tunnels. Oh joy. But soon, we climb to the top of the mountain and find Jimbo, holding the Dragon Buster, stumbling away from the battle and panting. We approach him with our weapons drawn)  
  
Jimbo: Bout damn time you showed up.  
  
Wesley: Oh, need our help, do you?  
  
Jimbo: No. I sensed your movements at the bottom of the mountain. Got lost, did you? Tina, why would you let Wesley lead then?  
  
Me: blushing Well....I..um....  
  
Wesley: What are you doing here, Jimbo?! What are your intentions?!  
  
Jimbo: You will know in time....he (or she) is almost dead. I assume that you can handle him/her/it now.  
  
All: shrugs Okay then.  
  
(And we race into battle, yelling out our battle cry!!)  
  
Nikole: MEW!!!!!!!  
  
All (including the Divine Dragon): blink blink  
  
Nikole: What? Not a good battle cry?  
  
Divine Dragon: finger snaps and rubber neck Oh no you didnt  
  
Screen dissolves, battle begins  
  
(The Divine Dragon, like his ambigiously gay alter-ego, is not as intimidating as he/she/it would like us to believe. First, attack the Divine Cannon because that weapon will do the most damage. Next attack the Dragon Ball, and then finally the Divine Dragon him/her/itself. Once the Divine Cannon and Ball are gone, all the Dragon can do is use items and slap you with a gay little flick of the wrist)  
  
Me: Ya know, when you called the Divine Dragon the Queen of Dragons, I think you were actually right Wesley.  
  
(But the Divine Dragon dies, and becomes the only villian where you can go back and revist its dead body. Now for the post-battle)  
  
Earth shakes and spilts as the Divine Dragon falls to its death  
  
Divine Dragon: You bitches...I'm still prettier than you dies  
  
Me: Drama queen to the end.  
  
(But my condscending chuckling is cut short by Jimbo leaping bounds to reach the dead Dragon, slicing its biggest eyes open with the Dragon Buster. We could only watch in amazement as a small white and green light left the body of the Divine Dragon, hovered above Jimbo, and then floated into his hands as a small crystal pebble)  
  
Jimbo: The Dragoon Spirit of the Divine Dragon, the very soul of the Divine Dragon. As I expected, it does not sparkle in my hands. No matter disappears  
  
Wesley: He's headed down the mountain!  
  
(The pursuit takes us back down the mountain, and we do catch up with Jimbo...too bad he uses his WINGLY magic to shoot a fireball and me and Wesley and disappear off the mountain.)  
  
Boberto: Tina! Wesley!  
  
(Again. We are separated from the group. Don't worry we're just dangling off a cliff, and I am barely conscious because I hit my head. My only hope is Wesley and the croonies above. God help me.)  
  
Croonies above: We heard that!!  
  
Wesley: Damn, I didn't know he was a Wingly! Tina? Tina, are you alright?  
  
Me: lying on the ground, gently touches Wesley's face It's you, Mateo...don't worry, I've taken back our world....the Crystal Sphere was destroyed, but I know how to stop it....Moon Child....Black Monster.... passes out  
  
Wesley: What?! What about the Black Monster?! Who's Mateo?! Tina, what do you know?!  
  
Nikole: Wesley! Tina! Oh, guys, I found them! Don't worry Wesley, I'm bringing you guys up!  
  
(Nikole uses her Wingly skills once again to carry me, then Wesley back up to the rest of the group)  
  
All: Don't you mean croonies?!  
  
(Joking guys, this is a humor fic. Anyway....)  
  
Nikole: Damn, Wesley! You weigh like a ton!  
  
Wesley: Shut up  
  
Boberto: Well, now Tina can't knock on Ania for passing out all the time  
  
Lorena: Well, Ania's passed out like five times compared to her one  
  
Me: And I hit my head on the way down rubs the back of my neck Ow...  
  
Wesley: You were rambling about a guy named Mateo and the Black Monster down there...what do you know?!  
  
Me: Why so many "?!" Geez, it's not that urgent.....I dunno, I musta been delurious. Let's go back to Dennigrad and check on Ania.  
  
Boberto: aside to Timoty She musta hit her head REALLY hard if SHE'S the one who's worried about Ania

.....

Katherine: Knights, halt.  
  
Knights: halt  
  
Katherine: It's been about a week since the cries of the Divine Dragon stopped...  
  
Knight: Yeah, which means the "Queer Eye" soundtrack doesn't play anymore  
  
All other Knights: cheers  
  
Katherine: But we still haven't ran into Lorena or the others. I wonder where they could be?  
  
(Younger Bardel appears out of nowhere. Breaking the commandment, are we?)  
  
Bardel: Stupid Humans!! You will pay for your crimes against my people!! Shoots fireballs at the knights  
  
Knights: fall to their assumed demise  
  
Katherine: Please, have mercy! We have done nothing to harm you!  
  
Bardel: Ignorant Human! You do not deserve to live!  
  
Jimbo: mysteriously appears On the contrary, it is YOU you does not deserve to live.  
  
Bardel: Who the hell are you?! Shoots fireball at Jimbo  
  
Jimbo: creates a magical shield Poor, rash, young Wingly. You think these deaths will quench your petty revenge? I have bigger things to deal with than you deflects his fireball at Bardel  
  
Bardel: dies  
  
[How random]  
  
(Hey, I had to get rid of him somehow)  
  
Katherine: Mr. Jimbo! From Donau!  
  
Jimbo: Yes falls to his knees  
  
Katherine: Oh! You are wounded! Let me take you back to the Crystal Palace with me.  
  
(And she, Jimbo, and some remaining knights return to the Palace)  
  
[Oooooooh, I feel something sinister afoot....]

...

(You think that would be a good place to end the chapter, right? Well, no. Sorry, have to abide by my quotas. Our troupe has now successfully returned to the Crystal Palace to once again find the other three Sacred Sisters in tears, most especially, Katherine.)  
  
Lorena: What happened?! Where's Queen Megan?!  
  
[Lots of people with double-puncutated dialogue. Well, LoD won't have it any other way.]  
  
Alejandra: the only one with a level head It happened only yesterday...maybe I can explain it better with a flashback.  
  
FLASHBACK  
  
Katherine: Queen Megan, I was returning from the Mount of Mortal Dragon, in hoping to catch Lorena and her companions --  
  
Wesley: Since when did Lorena become the new leader?!  
  
Alejandra: One must NEVER interrupt the flashback!!  
  
Katherine: -- but I could not, so I returned home. But in the Evergreen Forest, my knights and I ran into a vengeful young Wingly. He killed off most of my men, but I (and some others) survived because of him! Mr. Jimbo!  
  
Megan: You have saved Katherine twice -- she told us about the incident in Donau. You must be a kind and brave soul for doing so.  
  
Jimbo: I was just in the right place at the right time  
  
Alejandra: Tell me, Mr. Jimbo, did you run into Lorena and the others?  
  
Jimbo: No. I was no where near the Mount of Mortal Dragon  
  
Alejandra: He lies. I can see his black heart! Your Majesty, his malicious intentions are directed towards you!  
  
Knights: surround Jimbo  
  
Jimbo: Well, damn, you spoiled the surprise. Oh well teleports to directly in front of Megan and grabs her You're coming with me, Your Majesty he and the queen disappear  
  
END FLASHBACK  
  
Alejandra: See? Much better when told with a flashback. And don't worry -- Ania is safe in the hotel.  
  
Wesley: Where did they go?!  
  
Lorena: You f-cking idiot!! He didn't say!! Weren't you watching the flashback?  
  
Me: Wait a minute....Lorena, ya know Mille Seseau's Divine Moon Object?  
  
Lorena: Ya mean the thing that's none of your f-cking business?  
  
Me: Exactly -- where is it?  
  
Lorena: In the Towel of Flanvel, why?  
  
Me: That's where the Queen and Jimbo are.  
  
All: Ooooooooooooh  
  
Boberto: Wow.  
  
Timoty: Tsk, tsk, Tina, it took you an entire flashback for you to figure that out.  
  
Leroy: We expect better from Tina.  
  
Me: Hey, I have a really REALLY big bump on the back of my head, okay? At least with me, it'll clear up soon. Sadly, we cannot say the same for Wesley.  
  
All: bows head in pity for him  
  
Wesley: I'm missing something again, aren't I?


	30. Chapter 29: Final Confrontation Part 2

Author's Note: Wow, Nick, I never thought my work would be considered an addictive drug to some! I feel strangely flattered. But DRUGS ARE BAD! Anyway, damn site won't let me use the symbols I want, so actions from now on are ::contained within these things::

Disclaimer: I don't own LoD. Well, technically, I own a copy of the game LoD, but you know what I mean

Chapter 29: Final Confrontation Part 2

(To get to the Tower of Flanvel, we had to pass through the Kaiser [Kaisher?] Glacier. Lorena's cold-weather clothing comes in handy in times like these, unlike the rest of us)

All but Lorena: ::shivering like mad::

Lorena: Ha!

Nikole: ::in between shivers:: Hey, some of us come from warm climates!

Me: ::in between shiver:: Or, some of us have built-in fur coats.

All: ::looks toward Leroy::

Leroy: What?

Lorena: ANYWAY, we need to pass thru this glacier before we can get to the Tower of Flanvel. If we go up this pass, then we should be there in no time.

Nikole: You seem to know alot about this glacier

Lorena: Yeah, well, it's a good place to get away.

Nikole: Why? You got a great mom like Queen Megan.

Lorena: She's not my birth mother....my birth mother used to beat me. Then she left me and my dad. He wasn't that great either, but he got real sick and later died. Then I found Queen Megan.

All: ::stunned silence::

Boberto: ::whispering to Timoty:: That explains the dark evil act.

Timoty: Damn Tina, this game is heavy!

Me: Ya I know, and it's killing the humor part of my story. Let's move on.

Wesley: Who died and made you the leader?

Me: You will, if you don't shut it and follow Lorena.

Leroy: HA HA! Funny.

All: .....

(And we wandered around the glacier. We came across two peddlers, shivering in the middle of the glacier.)

Shannon: ::shivering:: Why are we here? There is nothing here except ice! And I'm cold!

Sammi: ::sitting amongst incence and meditation beads:: Pacience, Shannon! If we think lively, spirited thoughts, like the bohemians, we can be warm on the inside!

All: ??

Me: Oh, these are just my sister's friends.

Shannon: Look, Sammi, customers!

Sammi: I knew it! This dragon's blood incense helps attract business! ::Turns to us:: Can we interest you in hand-made jewerly?

Me: Will it protect us in battle?

Sammi: Battle? My dear, we must reject violence and be peaceful to our fellow man!

Wesley: Damn hippies.

Sammi: ::gasp:: Hippies?! Do not insult us!!

Shannon: Yeah. We bathe.

Sammi: WE are flower children!

All: Whatever.

(We still bought items from Sammi and weapons from Shannon. And then we moved on to the Tower of Flanvel. But not before we fight ::drum roll::)

THE MOST RANDOM BOSS EVER!

Wesley: What?

[I find it pretty self-explanatory]

::Screen dissolve, battle begins::

(This boss has absolutely NO POINT WHAT SO EVER. You attack it, it'll capture one of your party members, you kill the snow cannons, the monster spits you back out, you attack its heart, and it dies. It does not progress the storyline at all, it's just another ploy by the game's creators to make the third disk longer than the previous two.)

::Battle ends::

Wesley: Wow. That was random.

[Told ya]

(Finally, we come to the Tower of Flanvel. It's an interesting little structure that looks like a spiral and is covered in ice.)

Boberto: Why is that?

Timoty: I'm sure Tina has the answer to that.

Me: As a matter of fact, I do. Ya see, this used to be a flying fortress for the Winglies and a very powerful Wingly named Faust controlled it. Eventually, the Humans found a way to shoot down the Tower and Faust fell with it. And that's all I know.

Lorena: Yeah, and we hid the Moon Mirror at the top of that Tower, and Queen Megan is the key to getting it.

(Of course, to get to the top of the tower you go through more green teleporting devices, and it's very easy to get lost. Actually, if you get really really lost, you could wind up visiting the apparation of Faust. He's a creepy guy who doesn't wanna be disturbed, and if you try to get the item under him, you'll get in a battle with him. However, you can't attack him until you collect all 50 Stardust and get a certain stone from Martel/my mom. I've never collected 50 Stardust, so I've never tried to fight Faust, but he's super hard.)

All: Can we get on with it already?!

(Sorry. Anyway, if you don't get lost, you'll go up to the top of the Tower. There you find Jimbo [wearing some thick new armor] and Queen Megan. Enter heroes)

Jimbo: Thank you so much for the Moon Mirror. Now I can go deliver these to Emperor Diaz, so we can create our utopia.

Wesley: ::in true Dart fashion:: Not so fast!

Jimbo: ::mock gasp:: Oh no, the valient heroes are here. I'm soooo scared.

Me: You should be, you have no idea what I can do with this ::brandishes sword::

Jimbo: ::clutches my chin:: Why don't you show me, then?

Me: ::blushes:: I -- um -- uh.....

Wesley: Hey! Why don't you come over here so I can kick your ass!

Jimbo: Oh, still upset over your dear friend, Melvin?

Wesley: Don't you say his name!

Jimbo: ::draws Dragon Buster:: Melvin Melvin Melvin MELVIN

Wesley: ::runs toward Jimbo:: Bastard!

::Screen dissolves, battle begins::

(FINALLY! You get to fight Jimbo! And this time, you can actually hit him! Since he has the Dragon Buster, he can do heavy damage to Dragoons, but when you're in your Human form, it's just another sword. Jimbo does some fancy magic attacks that can damage you pretty bad, and he does his famous LLOYD SMACKDOWN, but as long you keep your party healthy, you'll beat him. Now, for the post-battle action)

[I'll be serious for this moment]

(Jimbo and Wesley stare at each other, their eyes filled with hatred. However, Jimbo is obviously weary from being defeated in battle. Wesley runs to Jimbo, ready to administer the final blow. Just then, Sacred Sister Katherine enters the chamber -- she sees Jimbo in danger, and places herself in between Wesley and Jimbo!)

Readers: ::gasp:: Katherine! No!

(Too late! Wesley slashes Katherine, leaving a huge gash on her back!)

Readers: How could you?!

Wesley : It's not my fault!

Katherine: Please....forgive....Jimbo

- - -

(Now everyone, including Queen Megan, is hanging outside the Tower, but Wesley, Jimbo, and Katherine are still at the top of the Tower)

Me: Boberto, shouldn't you be up there too? I mean, Melvin was your best friend.

Boberto: Me? What about you? Isn't Jimbo your boyfriend?

Me: EX-boyfriend, but we're not talking about me!

Boberto: Well, no I guess I shouldn't be up there, becuz it's not in the script

All: There is no script!!

Timoty: Yes, there is! See?! ::shows them the script::

All: Oh.

(Back in the Tower)

Jimbo: Why did you shield me?

Katherine: Because you saved me twice....I was returning the favor.

Wesley: Damn.

Katherine: Actually, the real reason I came here is to tell Wesley....Ania is gone

Wesley: What?!

Katherine: She was taken....by a man named....Emperor Diaz. He said, if you want Ania back...then bring Jimbo and the Moon Objects to Vellweb...

Jimbo: So, Emperor Diaz has decided to finally take matters into his own hands. ::stands up:: Well, if you want to kill me, you'd better do it now. I really don't think Emperor Diaz will mind very much if I don't show up to the party.

Wesley: ::readys his sword.....then throws it down and punches Jimbo in the jaw:: You're coming with us, and seeing this through! ::leaves::

Katherine and Jimbo: ::whew::

Wesley: ::returns:: Heh heh, forgot my sword ::sheepishly retrieves his sword, then leaves::


	31. Chapter 30: Wesley, I Am Your Father?

Author's Note: This is the chapter where things get explained. And yet, we are still lost and confused.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD -- don't you get it already?!  
  
Chapter 30: Wesley, I Am Your Father?!  
  
::Acquired Moon Gem, Moon Dagger, Moon Mirror, and JIMBO!::  
  
(After the encounter at the Tower of Flanvel, Queen Megan and Katherine returned to Dennigrad, while the now eight of us [wouldn't that be awesome if you could fight with Lloyd?] continued on to Vellweb)  
  
Wesley: I really am sorry about that, Katherine!  
  
Katherine: It's....okay ::under her breath:: ya bastard.....  
  
(Between the Tower and Vellweb is the Snow Field [how original]. With our luck, we walked right into the middle of a blizzard)  
  
All: Damn the video game gods  
  
Video Game Gods: ::smite::  
  
Nikole: Look! A cave! Let's stay there while the storm blows over!  
  
Timoty: Why are you always so...cheery?!  
  
Nikole: You're just lucky!  
  
(In the cave)  
  
Wesley: Okay, spill it  
  
Jimbo: ::sitting in front of the fire:: What do you need to know?  
  
Wesley: Why did you take Ania from Seles?! What is she to you?! Why did you kill Melvin?!  
  
Boberto: ::shaking his fists:: Why do the video game gods hate us so?!  
  
Video Game Gods: ::evil laugh::  
  
Jimbo: I can't help you with that ::points at Wesley:: But about Ania....ah yes, I recall capturing her during the Serdian War. She thought I was trying to rape her, but I was just taking her for Emperor Diaz.  
  
Me: Yeah. That sounds like her.  
  
Jimbo: Honestly Wesley, I think Ania's a step down for you.  
  
Wesley: Shut up! Damn, how is it that EVERY FRIGGIN character in this game knows that I'm in love with Ania?!  
  
Me: That's just how it is in video games.  
  
Video Game Gods: ::nods::  
  
Jimbo: And I killed Melvin out of self-defense  
  
Wesley: No you didn't!  
  
Jimbo: Yeah, you're right. I dunno why I killed him, actually.  
  
Wesley: Shut up, I don't wanna talk about that....but why does Emperor Diaz want Ania? And why the Moon Objects?  
  
Jimbo: How should I know? I'm just a lacky. He just told me to collect the Moon Objects, and eventually, Ania, so that I could create my utopia.  
  
Me: And what exactly is your utopia?  
  
Jimbo: Not quite sure. I'm basically winging this whole villian thing.  
  
All: ::smacks foreheads::  
  
Jimbo: But I will say this... "Count 108 years when the Moon That Never Sets glows red, the Moon Child shall descend to fill the world with holy bliss"  
  
All: What the hell was that for?!  
  
Jimbo: I dunno, it just felt like the right thing to say.  
  
All: ::profanities::  
  
(And we leave the cave in the snow field and continue to Vellweb. There is an optional boss if you fall into a pit -- and thanks to Wesley's clumsiness, we indeed fall into the pit)  
  
All: Damn you!  
  
Wesley: It's not my fault! The snow is slippery! ::notices the stone carving in front of us:: What's this?  
  
Leroy: Big rock, with writing on it. Giganto writing.  
  
Nikole: And Wingly writing, too!  
  
Wesley: And Human writing.  
  
Boberto: Well, read it then!  
  
Leroy, Nikole, Wesley: We can't read that shit.  
  
Boberto: ::sweatdrop::  
  
Me: For Christ sake....it says "No one is allowed to enter. All offenders will be punished. By order of the Law City Zenebatos"  
  
Wesley: What's that mean?  
  
Me: DUH it means DON'T ENTER. Let's go back up.  
  
Nikole: Wait! What is this?  
  
Me: Fort Magrad. A Human fort during the Dragon Campaign. But this is not apart of the storyline, this is a subchapter, so we don't need to be here.  
  
Nikole: Oooooh.....forbidden and mysterious.  
  
Timoty: We gotta visit it then.  
  
Me: ::profanities::  
  
(As you go further into the Fort, you [or rather, me] hear flashbacks of the Dragon Campaign)  
  
Voices: Long live Emperor Diaz! Long live Gloriano!  
  
Taco Bell Dog: Viva las Gorditas!  
  
Voices: .....  
  
Taco Bell Dog: Lo siento  
  
(And at the end of the Fort, I hear another flashback of a conversation between Emperor Diaz, Mateo, and me)  
  
Emperor Diaz: So, word is you two are getting married once we win the war!  
  
Mateo: ::takes my hand:: Yup.  
  
Emperor Diaz: Well isn't that cute  
  
Me: Hey, then where's my ring?  
  
Mateo: Um...we're kinda in the middle of a war...  
  
Me: So? Jose got Kimberly a ring.  
  
Mateo: Um -- uh --  
  
Emperor Diaz: Sucks for you man  
  
(Back to our semi-reality)  
  
Me: I never did get that ring  
  
Wesley: Tina?  
  
Me: Wha? Oh, yeah, let's bail  
  
(But the sword embedded in the wall came to life and started to attack us)  
  
Me: Dammit, I knew this would happen.  
  
(Yeah, the Polter Armor is optional, but if you beat him you can get mucho experience and a really cool sword for Wesley/Dart. Remember, first the Polter Sword, then Armor, then Helm. Once the Polter Armor was beaten, we resumed our trek to Vellweb)  
  
- - -  
  
Boberto: So this is Vellweb  
  
Timoty: Kinda disappointing  
  
Lorena: It's an ancient ruin, what did you expect?  
  
Wesley: So is this another Wingly ruin?  
  
Me: No, it was the capital of the Humans during the Dragon Campaign, actually.  
  
Jimbo: Emperor Diaz should be at his throne, which is of course in the very back of the establishment.  
  
(Before we found the throne of the Emperor, we found more random peddlers [more of my sister's friends])  
  
Steven: ::turning over a Yu-Gi-Oh! trading card:: Hah! Your fell right into my trap!  
  
Kasey: No!  
  
Steven: Your monster's attack points are now cut in half, making it weaker than my Curse of Dragon!  
  
Kasey: ::turning over another card:: But my magic card will restore my monster's attack points! Yeah, what now BITCH?!  
  
Me: Um...guys?  
  
Kasey: What?! We're busy, and I'm winning!  
  
Me: Aren't you gunna sell us stuff?  
  
Steven: ::not looking up from his cards:: Help yourselves  
  
All: ::takes all their stuff:: Dumbasses  
  
(And we also had another run-in with Kimberly just before we went into the throne room, but she just tells us to come back after we talk with Diaz)  
  
Kimberly: Hello, goodbye  
  
(FINALLY we get to the throne room. The room is lit by two torches, and an unconscious Ania is propped up against one of them. An empty gap separates Ania and a man in red and white robes, sitting on a stone throne.)  
  
Wesley: Ania! ::runs to her::  
  
All: How sweet  
  
Emperor Diaz: Don't worry, she's just sleeping. Ah, Jimbo. I assume you brought the Moon Objects.  
  
Jimbo: Yeah, here ya go  
  
Moon Objects: ::magically fly to Diaz::  
  
Diaz: Excellent. Now I can purge the world  
  
Jimbo: Purge?  
  
Wesley: The world?  
  
Diaz: Yeah, as in like world destruction. DUH. Damn, y'all are dense  
  
All: ::gasp::  
  
Jimbo: What?! That's not what we had planned!  
  
Diaz: Come on now, don't be so naive! I made you start a WAR for Christ's sake. If I was willing to destroy a country, what makes you think I'd stop there?  
  
Good Guys: He's got a point  
  
Jimbo: But -- that's not part of my utopia!  
  
Diaz: But it's part of MY utopia.  
  
Jimbo: I thought we were gunna create MY utopia!  
  
Diaz: Nope. Gunna do it my way. See ya  
  
(And Diaz takes out a huge red staff from his robes and points it at Jimbo. Before any of us could react, Jimbo was magically lifted into the air and smashed against the crumbling floor, falling into the abyss below.)  
  
All: OH MY GOD!  
  
Diaz: He was getting on my nerves anyway. Him and that pretty platinum hair of his. Oh, Wesley, ya know how I said that I would give Ania back once you brought me the Moon Objects?  
  
Wesley: Yeah?  
  
Diaz: Well, I lied. I need her to help me purge the world.  
  
Ania: ::magically hovers in between us and the throne -- just out of reach from Wesley::  
  
Wesley: Hey! Give her back!  
  
Diaz: Um, no.  
  
Me: WTF?! The real Emperor Diaz would NEVER do that! Reveal yourself!  
  
Diaz: Aww, Tina, are you sad that I killed your boyfriend?  
  
Me: EX!!  
  
Diaz: It's okay, you don't have to explain it to me -- I've accepted that you've moved on. It's only fair, seeing as how I've moved on as well.  
  
Me: WTF are you talking about?  
  
Diaz: ::sigh:: I might as well...this mask is starting to smell.  
  
::VIDEO TIME!::  
  
(The man called Diaz slowly removed his mask, revealing a young, pale face with sleepy brown eyes. His mouth curled into a sneer as he shook his curly, orange [naturally orange, honestly] hair from his face)  
  
Mateo: Tina, Wesley....it's been a while  
  
(The audience now sees the look of complete and utter confusion on the faces of Wesley, Leroy, Timoty, Boberto, Nikole, and Lorena)  
  
Leroy: That's not...  
  
Lorena: No, she wouldn't....  
  
Boberto: I think she did...  
  
(Now cut to my special close-up: jaw dropped, and flashes of the super-cool video of the Dragon Campaign played in the background, especially the part where I saw Mateo get petrified and he told me to save myself)  
  
Me: It...cannot be!  
  
::END VIDEO::  
  
Mateo: ::now wearing a red armored jumpsuit:: Surprise  
  
Wesley: What do you mean, "it's been a while" -- I've never met you!  
  
Mateo: Idiot, I'm your father  
  
All: ::jaws drop::  
  
Lorena: You're f-cking kidding me  
  
Wesley: You're my WHAT?!  
  
Mateo: Do you want me to say it again? ::covers his mouth and talks in a Darth Vadar-like fashion:: WESLEY. I AM YOUR FATHER ::Darth Vadar breathing::  
  
Wesley: But how? My video game father died when the Black Monster attacked Neet!  
  
Me: No, Mateo died during the Dragon Campaign!  
  
Readers: We are very confused.  
  
Dragoons: Yeah. So are we.  
  
Mateo: NO! I didn't die AT ALL ::sigh:: I better start at the beginning. You know the real reason that Tina has all the answers to things? Ya know, like about Dragoons and Virages and the Dragon Campaign?  
  
Me: Because I know everything!  
  
Mateo: No, it's because she FOUGHT in the Dragon Campaign! She was the first and only Dark Dragoon! And I was the first Red-Eyed Dragoon! We're both over 11,000 years old!  
  
All: ::gasp::  
  
Nikole: But you two are so young! What IS your secret?  
  
Mateo: My secret was that I was preserved in stone for all those years.  
  
Me: Wait, you mean that the petrification wore off? And then you went off and had a kid with some slut?!  
  
Wesley: Hey, don't bring my video game mother into this  
  
Timoty: Yeah, don't bring my video game daughter into this  
  
All: ??  
  
Timoty: Shit, did I say that out loud?  
  
Mateo: I thought you died! What the hell was I supposed to do?!  
  
Nikole: Hold it...where you two, like, dating 11,000 years ago?  
  
Mateo: We were engaged  
  
Me: I never DID get that ring  
  
Mateo: A little late now, honey  
  
All except Wesley, Me, Mateo: ::falls to the floor laughing::  
  
[You see, from seventh to ninth grades, Mateo and I have endured torture from our friends because we both liked each other, but didn't want to admit it. We finally went out in tenth grade -- lasted three months. Leroy still holds bets on when we'll hook up again. I warned y'all in the beginning that I had issues.]  
  
Wesley: HEY! We're trying to have a serious moment here!  
  
Mateo: ANYWAY, in the last battle of the Dragon Campaign, five of the Dragoons died, I was petrified by Melbu Frahma, and Tina was the only one to survive. During the battle at Kadessa, the Humans discovered Frahma's source of power as the Crystal Sphere. The dumbasses destroyed the Crystal Sphere, not knowning that the soul of the God of Destruction was contained in the sphere.  
  
Wesley: God of Destruction?!  
  
Mateo: Are you always this annoying?  
  
Wesley: Bastard  
  
Mateo: The prophesy -- "count 108 years when the Moon That Never Sets glows red, the Moon Child shall descend to fill the world with holy bliss" -- why do you think it was repeated twenty times in this fic? The Moon Child is actually the soul of the God of Destruction. The Moon That Never Sets is its flesh, and when the two meet, they form the God of Destruction: the final fruit of the Divine Tree. The "holy bliss" is actually world purification, by way of destruction.  
  
All: ::gasp:: Noooooo!!  
  
Mateo: ::mock gasp:: Yes! So, every 108 years, the soul of the God inhabits a body and tries to get back to its flesh. However, something stops it every time. Anyone wanna guess who does this?  
  
::Jeopardy music plays::  
  
Leroy: Oh! Me know, me know! The Black Monster!  
  
Mateo: Yes! Now there is only one person in the world who knows this and is OLD ENOUGH to do this.  
  
::More Jeopardy music::  
  
All: ::slowly turn to me::  
  
Me: Crap.  
  
Mateo: ::ding ding ding:: Yes! Tina is the Black Monster!! And she's under some sort of magic spell to preserve her youth!  
  
All: ::gasp::  
  
Nikole: ::strokes chin:: Interesting...  
  
Wesley: WHAT?!  
  
Boberto: That explains a lot of things  
  
Me: Whoop-de-do, Mateo. Everybody knows now that I am the Black Monster. But it doesn't matter now, I killed the last Moon Child eighteen years ago.  
  
Mateo: That's what YOU think. Ya know that little baby Princess Louvia that you killed eighteen years ago?  
  
Me: Yeah?  
  
Mateo: She wasn't the Moon Child. She had a twin sister -- named Ania.  
  
Timoty: I KNEW IT! I KNEW she was EVIL!  
  
Lorena: This is f-cking ridiculous! We're stuck in a f-cking soap opera!  
  
Wesley: Crap  
  
Mateo: Now you know the truth. Tina is the Black Monster, and Ania is the Moon Child. What are you going to do now? Kill her?  
  
Me: Uh, yeah. It's just a video game ::lunges at Ania, rapier ready::  
  
Mateo: ::sends me flying back:: You think it would be that easy? Baby, you must have lost some of your mind in these 11,000 years.  
  
Me: Oh, NOW you call me Baby  
  
Mateo: I have everything I need to purify this pathetic world -- the Moon Child and the Moon Objects. By the way, thanks for being my delivery boy, son  
  
Wesley: Don't call me that....your hair alone is disturbing enough....  
  
Mateo: Ugh, what am I still DOING here? I need to go destroy the world ::blows me a kiss:: See you on the Moon, Mamacita  
  
(A blinding white light fills the room, and Mateo disappears with Ania and the Moon Objects)  
  
Me: What's up with the nicknames? He never used to call me cutsy nicknames...  
  
Wesley: Ania? Mateo? WTF JUST HAPPENED HERE?!  
  
[No one knows...]  
  
Boberto: ::falls to his knees:: Oh great video game gods! Please, put us out of my misery!  
  
Video Game Gods: No. Torture is more fun ::evil laugh::  
  
[The Video Game Gods have spoken] 


	32. Chapter 31: The Ambigiously Gay Wingly

Author's Note: Jimmy, this is my revenge against you!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD y'all should know that by now...  
  
Chapter 31: DISK FOUR The Ambigiously Gay Wingly  
  
Please insert disk four.....please wait......  
  
(So now we're walking across a vast desert, hanging our heads and dragging our feet. I fell behind, staring up at the Moon That Never Sets. So begins)  
  
MOON AND FATE  
  
Timoty: So what just happened was....::points to Wesley:: Your girlfriend is going to destroy the world because your ex-girlfriend ::points to me:: failed to kill her eighteen years ago.  
  
Nikole: Now, Ania's been captured by your ::back to Wesley:: father, who is also Tina's ex-boyfriend.  
  
Lorena: Did anyone else find that last sentence just a little disturbing? Cuz, I did.  
  
Boberto: Damn, we should rename this fic "Attack of Tina's Ex-Boyfriends"  
  
Timoty: You have horrible taste in men, Tina  
  
Leroy and Wesley: Hey. She has EXCELLENT taste in men.  
  
Me: Oy, no I don't.  
  
(Our travels have now brought us to the Death Frontier. As the name implies, it is hot, dry, sandy, and full of monsters. There are also some very annoying holes to fall into. But, like with every desert, there are oases where we could find water and shade)  
  
Leroy: Here, rest. No monsters.  
  
Nikole: ::whining:: Are we there yet?!  
  
Me: No.  
  
Nikole: ::still whining:: How much farther?!  
  
Timoty: ::in between sips of water:: Stop it with that tone! You're making my ears bleed!  
  
Me: We still are a long way off....god, you guys shouldn't even be here! The Moon Child is my problem  
  
Wesley: Her name is Ania  
  
Lorena: Of course it's our f-cking problem! You MADE it our f-cking problem!  
  
Me: You have no idea what you guys are getting yourselves into! This is dealing with gods and the end of the world! This is not as easy as pursuing one Wingly.  
  
Lorena: You call chasing Jimbo around the whole f-cking continent EASY?!  
  
Me: Compared to what's coming, yes! You guys shouldn't be doing this!  
  
Lorena: ::slaps me across the face::  
  
All: 00  
  
Me: ::death glare::  
  
Lorena: Stubborn idiot  
  
Me: ::throws down sword:: That's it, it's on bitch! I'll take you down with my BARE HANDS! ::lunges for Lorena::  
  
(A legitimate cat-fight ensues between me and Lorena. Punches thrown, kicking, hair pulling. The other five Dragoons were totally beside themselves)  
  
Nikole: OH MY GOD WHAT DO WE DO WHAT DO WE DO?!?!  
  
Leroy: We watch! CAT FIGHT! MEOW, HISS!  
  
Wesley: I thought....they were best friends  
  
Boberto: I got $5 on Lorena scratching Tina's eyes out  
  
Timoty: I got $10 on a draw  
  
Wesley: This....is really bad timing ::pulls me off Lorena:: Hey, listen!  
  
Me: ::wiping blood from my mouth:: Yeah know, I can just as easily kick your ass too  
  
Wesley: But, you guys are best friends! You two shouldn't fight like this!  
  
Timoty: Yeah. Boys fight like that.  
  
Lorena: ::kicks Timoty as she stands up::  
  
Wesley: That's not what I mean....you two are best friends. You guys have already been through so much: fought a Dragon together, saved the Queen, insulted me together  
  
Nikole: Wow. I never knew Wesley had it in him to be so...inspirational  
  
Lorena: You wanna know why I slapped you? Because you were being so stupid! All six of us are your friends! We wouldn't let you fight Mateo and Ania alone!  
  
Boberto: Plus the video game gods would not allow us to leave the fic  
  
Video Game Gods: ::nods::  
  
Lorena: ::ignoring Boberto and the Gods:: We're your friends and we're gunna see this through with you.  
  
Other Dragoons: ::thumbs up::  
  
Me: Awww, I dunno whether to cry or throw up  
  
Lorena: Truce?  
  
Me: Yeah ::hugs Lorena::  
  
[All together now]  
  
Readers: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!  
  
Wesley: ::hands on hips and looking very proud of himself:: My work here is done  
  
Timoty: ::ahem::  
  
Boberto: Dammit ::hands him $10:: Maybe I DO have a gambling problem  
  
Leroy: Ya think?  
  
(After our warm-and-fuzzy moment, we continue into the Death Frontier. We got lost a good dozen times, mostly because of the damn holes. Finally, we come across a green teleporting device and a stone wall overlooking....absolutely nothing)  
  
Nikole: ::still whining:: Are we there yet?!  
  
Me: Yup.  
  
All: ??  
  
Wesley: There's nothing there.  
  
Boberto: Here's the green teleporting device, but...where does it go to?  
  
Me: Out there ::points to absolutely nothing::  
  
All: THERE'S NOTHING THERE!!  
  
Me: ::takes off my choker and holds it up:: You can't see it because I haven't deactivated the invisibility shield. See, I was given this choker to prevent me from aging. I can also use it to visit Ulara.  
  
Nikole: Oh! So with this choker, you get to be seventeen forever!  
  
Me: Yeah, I guess it's pretty tight, but it makes it REALLY hard to explain to bartenders that I am WELL over the legal drinking age...  
  
(Voila! The city of Ulara.)  
  
All: ::oohs:: ::aahs::  
  
Me: The same as ever.  
  
(The town of Ulara is full of Winglies, all of whom wave and smile at me. However, one Wingly did not greet us. He just posed in front of a big teleporting device, adjusting his glasses and brushing his wavy platinum hair)  
  
Me: Hi Manuel  
  
Manuel: Oh, Tina. So nice to see you. How long has it been, eighteen years?  
  
Me: Yeah  
  
Manuel: ::continues to brush his hair:: Then you must agree with me -- I am still sexy as ever, no?  
  
All: ....  
  
Me: You still on that kick, Manuel?  
  
Manuel: You have still not answered my question -- ::brushes his hair:: I am sexy, no?  
  
Timoty: Who's this joker?  
  
Me: This is the keeper of the teleporting device, Manuel --  
  
Manuel: Manuel Castillo, the Latin Lover! ::bends down and kisses Nikole's hand::  
  
Me: Manuel, where's Ray?  
  
Manuel: You mean that sissy girly man whom my sexiness far excedes?  
  
Me: I....guess  
  
Manuel: He's in the back.  
  
(We walk and teleport throughout the city, trying to find Ray [who this man is, you shall see]. We come across a rose garden and Lorena has a little moment)  
  
Lorena: Roses suck  
  
(Eventually we come across some Venus flytraps being fed by a dark-skinned Wingly [but still got the platinum hair])  
  
Brittany: Damn, now I know how Lil Kim feels....  
  
All: Brittany?  
  
Brittany: Sup my niggas!  
  
Me: I thought you were in Lohan  
  
Brittany: I was, but then I sold all my shit and I decided to come and help out mah homie Ray ::notices Leroy:: Leroy! My brotha without a tan! What are you wearing?  
  
Leroy: Long story....  
  
Me: Speaking of Ray, where is he?  
  
Brittany: He's in the house  
  
(We walk into the house behind Brittany, where we find a young man with platinum hair race towards me, arms stretched out, skirt blowing in the wind)  
  
Ray: Tina! Darling! ::kiss kiss::  
  
Guys: WTF ARE YOU WEARING?!  
  
Ray: What the nice old lady was in the original video game ::twirls around:: Isn't it pretty?!  
  
[You know the guy that I based the Divine Dragon's ambigiously gay behavior on? This is him.]  
  
Me: Everyone, meet Ray Frahma  
  
Wesley: Are you any relation to Melbu Frahma?  
  
Ray: Why yes I am! We're brothers. Well, actually, his name is Broadway Frahma. The author's just been using the name Melbu until she could find a suitable person to cast as the part.  
  
Wesley and Nikole: Broadway Frahma?  
  
Me, Leroy, Boberto, Timoty, Lorena: Dear god.....  
  
[Yeah well, what else was I supposed to do?]  
  
Ray: Anyway, that's not what we are here to talk about! Wesley, c'mere, lemme get a good look at you ::pinches his cheek::  
  
Wesley: Ow  
  
Ray: ::still holding onto his cheek:: Oh, aren't you so CUTE! You're right Tina Darling, he looks JUST like our dear Mattie!  
  
All: No he doesn't!  
  
Me: Don't ::twitch:: call me ::twitch:: Tina Darling...  
  
Wesley: Who's Mattie?  
  
Ray: Silly, that's your father! I just like to give people cute little nicknames -- I think I'll call you Wessy-poo!  
  
Wesley: ::twitch::  
  
All: ::stiffles laughter::  
  
Me: ::through gritted teeth:: Ray, princess, we're getting off track  
  
Ray: Right. Well, I assume you guys have lots of questions...about the Moon Objects for example -- you want to know what they do? Well, they destroy the Signet Spheres. Do you wanna know what those do? Well, together, they form a barrier that prevents the Moon Child from getting to the Moon That Never Sets, but once they are destroyed, the Moon Child can join with the Moon That Never Sets and become the God of Destruction  
  
All: ::staring, listening with blank faces::  
  
Boberto: It's like he's trying to speak to me, I know it!  
  
Timoty: Shhh!  
  
Ray: There used to be five Signet Spheres, one in each floating Wingly city. But the Crystal Sphere got destroyed in the battle of Kadessa during the Dragon Campaign, and the one at the Crystal Palace was destroyed when the Divine Dragon attacked  
  
Divine Dragon: ::girlish giggle::  
  
Ray: Do you wanna know where the other three are? Well, one is in the Magical City of Aglis, one is in the Law City of Zenebatos, and the last one is in the Death City of Mayfil. Do you wanna know where to start? Well, the Magical City of Aglis is out in the middle of the ocean, near the island town of Rogue.  
  
Timoty: Rogue! I understood that, that's my hometown!  
  
Wesley: So many questions....so much information....my head hasn't hurt like this since last chapter...  
  
Me: Your small brain can't facilitate all that knowledge at once  
  
Boberto: ::pleasant sigh:: She's back  
  
Ray: Aww, poor Wessy-poo. Just one more thing to tell you, then I'll be done -- do you wanna know a short cut to Rogue? Well, we have the big teleporting device, but we have limited magical strength and we can only get you as far as the Home of Giganto. From there, you can go to Fletz and I'll send Manuel to give King Leif a message. King Leif then should hook you up with Commodore Skip so you guys can sail on the Queen Fury to Rogue!  
  
All: Oh joy  
  
Me: ::thinking of my last boating experience:: Oh god...  
  
Ray: Tina Darling? You look ill. You seven need to rest here for the night.  
  
All: ::stares blankly at Ray::  
  
Ray: Go! Go! Explore, rest up, buy supplies! I just need to get the beds ready  
  
Boberto: ::as he's leaving:: I am NOT staying in the same room as a man who wears a pink dress  
  
Timoty: ::following Boberto:: Awww, scared you're gunna get butt-raped?  
  
Boberto: That's not funny!  
  
(Everyone else left, leaving me and Ray and Wesley alone in the house)  
  
Ray: Go, Wessy-poo! Go be with your friends! Me and Tina Darling have a few things to discuss  
  
Wesley: ::twitch:: Flaming son of a bitch....  
  
Me: Alright Ray, just admit it: you're gay  
  
Ray: ::blushes:: No I'm not!  
  
Me: C'mon Ray, admitance is the first step to acceptance.  
  
Ray: I'm straight! I just like to wear pretty dresses!  
  
Me: The closest's getting awful lonely, Ray....  
  
Wesley: This fic just gets more and more disturbing....  
  
(Having enough, Wesley went outside and sat by the flytraps to contemplate [if you even know what that word means....])  
  
Wesley: Hey, I know EXACTLY what it means! ::flytrap bites him:: Ow! Maybe contemplating by the carnivorous plants is a bad idea....  
  
Me: Ya think?  
  
Wesley: Oh...yeah....  
  
Me: Wow. It hasn't been this awkward between us since we were dating  
  
Wesley: Yeah, I guess  
  
Me: So, you're okay with the whole Black Monster thing?  
  
Wesley: Yeah I mean, I guess I hafta be. This isn't real anyway.  
  
Me: Yeah....  
  
Wesley: Man, I miss the first disk -- we were young and stupid but still okay with it  
  
Me: You still ARE stupid  
  
Wesley: I meant -- !  
  
Me: No, you can't save yourself from that one. You brought it on yourself.  
  
Wesley: ::profanities::  
  
(We then went to gather the others. First, we find Timoty and Lorena getting drunk in the Wingly bar and when Lorena gets drunk, she does very good Jack Sparrow impersonations)  
  
Lorena: That's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow to you! ::takes a swig, then realizes it is empty:: WHY IS THE RUM GONE?!  
  
Timoty: You drank it.  
  
Me: We hafta go now, Lorena...  
  
Lorena: Yes yes but....WHY IS THE RUM GONE?!?!  
  
(Next we find Boberto and Leroy in the weapons shop....uh, boys, I don't think you should play with that)  
  
Boberto: Please, we are professionals ::continues sword fighting with Leroy::  
  
Leroy: ::is hit in the shin with Boberto's spear:: OW!!! ::lip quivers:: That hurt....  
  
(I told you not to play with that)  
  
Leroy: ::bawling::  
  
Me: ::strokes his head:: There there, Mommy'll make it all better  
  
(Finally, we round up Nikole as she was chatting with Manuel at the teleporting device)  
  
Nikole: Okay, so then, Tina and Wesley fell overboard and everyone thought they died! But then, we went to Fueno and we found them and Ania --  
  
Manuel: I care not for your stories of ships or Dragoons ::taking her hand:: However, I find your attractive face and revealing clothes pleasing to my senses. I wish to take you to my palace so that you can experience true ans passionate love-making from the master ::kisses her hand:: Manuel Castillo the Latin Lover!  
  
Nikole: ::taking back her hand:: I'm, um, engaged...Oh! Wesley! Let's go back to Ray's  
  
Manuel: No matter, I still have three lovely ladies awaiting my return :returns to his "palace"::  
  
- - -  
  
(At the teleporting device, complete with a sending off party)  
  
Brittany: Later, y'all!!  
  
Manuel: Farewell, lovely ladies and men who are not as sexy as me  
  
Ray: Byyyyyyee! ::kiss kiss::  
  
Me: Ray, you are so flaming GAY!!  
  
Ray: ::blushes:: I am NOT!  
  
Dragoons: Yes you ARE! Goodbye ::teleports::  
  
(The teleporting device took us across the Death Frontier and to the Home of Giganto, which means we'll have to pass through the Barrens again to get to Fletz)  
  
All: BASTARDS!!!!  
  
(When we get to the Twin Castle)  
  
Me and Wesley: ::waves sweetly to a familiar face:: We're baaaaaaack!  
  
Officer: ::profanities::  
  
(we are greeted by another sending off party)  
  
Leif: Go save the world. Ship's in the basement  
  
Andrea: Be careful, Boberto!  
  
Timoty: It's okay, we'll make sure your pretty little Romeo comes home safe  
  
Boberto: ::pushes Timoty:: Shut up  
  
(After we torment Boberto a little more, we head into the basement, which houses a full-blown port)  
  
Nikole: Cool basement!  
  
Skip: Ah! My old friends! So good to see you, I haven't seen you in eight chapters!  
  
Ricky: Good to see you guys  
  
Skip: Wesley, is it true that your father is planning to destroy the world?!  
  
Wesley: Um, yeah  
  
Skip: If he destroys the world, will ::whispers:: the sea be destroyed too?  
  
Ricky: Yes, Commodore...::under his breath:: I still can't believe I take orders from this woman!  
  
Skip: ::gasp:: Then we must not let this crazy plan succeed! Onward, to Rogue!! ::marches to the ship::  
  
Ricky: ::rubbing temples:: Commodore, the ship is the other way  
  
Skip: ::blushes:: Yes, of course! I was just...testing you, Ricky! ::marches in the right direction::  
  
Nikole: I missed her. 


	33. Chapter 32: Family MattersAs Long As The...

Author's Note: I was originally gunna make our adventures in Rogue be a part of the Aglis chapter, but the Aglis chapter is taking longer than expected, so I am breaking it up so that y'all don't forget me. This chapter is extremely short compared to my other chapters, and I promise that Aglis will be posted very soon.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD. But I do own YOUR MOM!!! MWHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Chapter 32: Family Matters....As Long As There's Plenty of Ritalin  
  
Skip: It's so good that you guys are once again sailing with us! However, we did prepare much better for this trip than last time ::hands me ten barf bags::  
  
Me: Oh, thanks.  
  
(We arrived at the small island of Rogue, causing a lot of excitement among the natives)  
  
Timoty: It's good to be home  
  
Sal: Timoty? Is that really you?  
  
Timoty: Ah, another one of Boberto's relatives  
  
Sal: Yeah, and I'm the mayor of this island! Whoa, Timoty I haven't seen you since -- oooh, pretty butterfly ::goes chasing after it::  
  
Timoty: ::smacks forehead:: Sal, did you take your Ritalin today?  
  
Sal: ::still chasing the butterfly:: No, I sold all my Ritalin to White Chocolate  
  
White Chocolate: Yeeeeeeeee-yah bitch!  
  
Timoty: Aren't you gunna invite us to your house? I haven't seen you in 20 years  
  
Sal: ::lost interest in the butterfly:: Yeah, I guess.  
  
Wesley: Boberto, who is that?  
  
Boberto: My cousin. I guess some poor soul died and made him the mayor of this town. I pity the people of Rogue.  
  
Me: You're family's weird  
  
Boberto: What about yours?  
  
Lauren: ::from Fletz:: I'LL SHOW YA WEIRD!!  
  
Me: I guess I shouldn't say anything.....  
  
(In Sal's house)  
  
Sal: So, did you find your daughter?  
  
Timoty: No, but I found her son  
  
Wesley: Really? Who?  
  
Timoty: Nevermind....  
  
Sal: So, what are you here for anyway? And speak fast.  
  
[If you haven't noticed, Sal's got ADHD]  
  
Dragoons: No, we didn't notice at all.....  
  
Sal: ::runs up to me, poking me continuously:: Hey, does this annoy you? Huh? ::poke poke poke poke poke::  
  
Me: ::punches him in the arm:: Yes!  
  
Sal: OW!!  
  
(Timoty explains the whole situation with the Dragoons and Winglies and God of Destruction and Signet Spheres. Periodically, one of us would have to punch Sal in order to wake him up, or bring his attention back to Timoty)  
  
Sal: Okay....well, I didn't hear most of what you said so just repeat the last thing that you said  
  
Timoty: Signet Spheres! Aglis! Has anything unusual happened since I left?  
  
Sal: Well, this big stick in the ocean randomly showed up a while ago, but we can't go near it cuz there's a whirpool surrounding it  
  
Leroy: Big stick....  
  
Me: Shut up  
  
Sal: Maybe you guys should go check....hey! Wanna play cards??  
  
Timoty: No.  
  
(We wandered toward the big stick, but we had one last errand in Rogue before we went)  
  
Mom: It's okay Lauren, I'll make you better -- Sean, please don't play with sticks!  
  
Sean: ::whacks the table with a stick::  
  
Me: Mom?  
  
Mom: Tina! Honey, I was worried when I couldn't find you in the third disk....are you alright? Getting enough sleep? You're not getting into anymore trouble, are you??  
  
Me: No, Mom....  
  
Mom: Did you get me the Stardust, so we can make your sister better?  
  
Boberto: I'm still really confused....wasn't she ranting about greenery in Fletz?  
  
Me: Yes Mom...  
  
(You give the Stardust to her, no matter how much, and Lauren is better. And the peasants rejoice)  
  
Lauren: Yay! I'm better! ::to Wesley:: Now I can kick your butt....  
  
Wesley: What the hell did I do?!  
  
Mom: Watch your language  
  
Wesley: ::bows head:: Yes ma'am  
  
Mom: Be careful, okay? And I wish you would wear matching boots....  
  
Me: ::blushes:: Mom!  
  
All: ::chuckles::  
  
(I think that's enough embarassment for now...we headed out to the training center and looked out onto the horizon and saw a tall red stick protruding from the ocean)  
  
Timoty: That wasn't there before I left  
  
Wesley: How do we get closer?  
  
All: ::looks to me::  
  
Me: What?  
  
Wesley: You're supposed to know everything! Tell us how to get closer!  
  
Me: I know everything about what's happened in the last 11,000 years, but I've never had to cross an ocean to get to a big stick before!!  
  
All: ::anime sweatdrop::  
  
Boberto: Let's just go back to Sal, maybe he's still got some pills lying around...  
  
(We walked back to Sal's house. Little did we know that somewhere, someone was watching us....)  
  
Me: ::stops:: Something feels weird....like we're being watched...  
  
Nikole: I know what you mean....  
  
::Earth rumbles::  
  
Sal: Hey!! Hey!! Look at the ocean!! ::starts to poke me again::  
  
Me: ::socks him in the jaw:: Touch me again, bitch, and I aim lower!!  
  
(As if a giant hand had grabbed the sea, the water split in two forming a dry path to the big stick)  
  
Nikole: Wait, wait, I've always wanted to do this!! ::grabs a stick, holds it above her head:: LET MY PEOPLE GO!! ::plunges the stick into the ground::  
  
Lorena: We don't have f-cking time to play Moses, let's get the f-ck outta here ::grabs her by the bow on her butt:: 


	34. Chapter 33: What's Crackin, Kraken?

Author's Note: I've been getting like no reviews for any of my fics lately (except you, Purpurla Lipstick. I'm sorry if I screwed up the spelling in your name)! What's up with that? Oh well, I will still continue to post!! If you think that ignoring me will stop me then you are SERIOUSLY MISTAKEN!!!!!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD. Umm, I think that's it.  
  
Chapter 33: What's Crackin, Kraken?  
  
(An interesting sight indeed...)  
  
Wesley: It's like the ocean is being held up! Like, like....  
  
Me: Magic? It's called the Magical City Aglis for a reason. Of course, this used to hover above the ocean...  
  
Nikole: So that means.....we're under the sea?  
  
Me: ::evil grin:: I feel a song coming on.....  
  
All: Please God no....  
  
Me and Nikole: ::dancing, singing in Jamaican accents:: UNDA DA SEA!! UNDA DA SEA!! DARLIN IT'S BETTA DOWN WHERE IT'S WETTA TAKE IT FROM ME!!  
  
Lorena: F-cking idiots....  
  
Leroy: Um...ocean closed.  
  
Wesley: What?  
  
Leroy: Path back to Rouge no longer dry. It's wet....wet, hehehehe  
  
Lorena: Sick bastard  
  
Me: Hmmm, someone doesn't want us to leave.  
  
Nikole: That means MORE SINGING!! OUT ON DA SHORE DE WORK ALL DAY, OUT IN DE SUN DE SLAVE AWAY --  
  
Me: WHILE WE DEVOTIN FULL TIME TO FLOATIN UNDA DA SEA!!  
  
All: ::rubs temples::  
  
  
  
(We wandered around the magical city for a bit, using those stupid green teleporting devices. It was pretty uneventful, for being unda da sea, until we came across a jelly-fish like creature)  
  
Ruff: Ruff. I bring a message, ruff.  
  
Me: Oh god, it's a friggin Pokemon  
  
Ruff: Ruff, what is a Pokemon, ruff?  
  
Nikole: Aww, look, a baby!! It's cuuuuuuuuuuuute!!  
  
Lorena: Whatever  
  
Ruff: Ruff, if I am cute than none of you are cute, ruff!! Except Tina, ruff.  
  
Nikole and Lorena: How rude!  
  
Me: Why make an exception with me? C'mon, Poke-ruff, give us the message  
  
Ruff: Ruff, I'm not a Poke-whatever, ruff  
  
[I'm searching far into reaches of my memory....it's fuzzy.....the message....maybe, it's.....]  
  
Ruff: Okay, ruff. "Tina has given me courage over these past millenia" ruff "now it is time for Tina and companions to pour their courage into the new Moot and save the world." End, ruff  
  
Boberto: Oh yeah, that made perfect sense.  
  
Wesley: Nothing makes sense anymore  
  
Me: Nothing EVER made sense to you  
  
Wesley: Wow, haven't heard THAT one before  
  
Ruff: Are you done, ruff?  
  
Leroy: They are never done  
  
Ruff: Well, ruff, I'm going now, ruff ::leaves::  
  
Timoty: I guess I should have anticipated that -- I mean, we've already lost our minds, why shouldn't we encounter a Pokemon?  
  
Me: Did anyone else just catch that I have a stalker?  
  
(Indeed, I have a stalker who's been watching me for thousands of years. Before I could meet my stalker, we found more Pokemon)  
  
Decal: Decal, we're not Pokemon, cal!  
  
(Yes, you are. We follow the Pokemon through a room with a big mirror....)  
  
Wesley: You're saying that this can see anything happening in the world at any given time?  
  
Decal: Yes, cal  
  
Boberto: Then why the hell are we just staring at ourselves?! Change the station!!  
  
Timoty: Yes, somewhere in the world, there is a woman getting out of the shower....  
  
Leroy: ::drools::  
  
Girls: ::slaps them all:: Sick BASTARDS!!  
  
Wesley: ....  
  
(And then, to a room with a save point and seven colored circles on the other side of an invisible bridge)  
  
All: Oh, like we haven't seen one of THESE before.  
  
???: Welcome, heroes who defy fate.  
  
(Says an uber-tall Wingly who descends upon us, riding what looks like a huge flying coin)  
  
Nikole: That's a pretty cool title, dontcha think?  
  
Me: Better than those epithets that you came up with in Fletz  
  
Boberto: Hey, I thought they were cool!  
  
???: Aren't you gunna ask me who I am?  
  
Me: I know perfectly well who you are, Diego  
  
Diego: Oh....that's right, you do know me  
  
Wesley: Another ex-boyfriend?  
  
Me: Technically, no....but it does make sense that you would be living here with these Pokemon. You always did have a thing for young children  
  
[He dated a freshman in his senior year of high school. We never let him live it down.]  
  
Diego: So it was YOU who called the cops on me!!  
  
Me: ::evil chuckle::  
  
Nikole: Hey, if you're a Wingly, then why are you flying around on a big...flat...thingy....  
  
Timoty: Is that the technical term for it?  
  
Diego: Yes  
  
Timoty: Oh.  
  
Diego: I just think it looks cooler flying around like this.  
  
Little Pokemon whose name I forgot: Plus it gives me a place to sit!! ::studies her name:: What the hell?!  
  
[You're a Pokemon. And I forgot your name. Deal with it]  
  
Pokemon: Bitch...  
  
Nikole: Well, I think you look ridiculous but whatever....  
  
Me: Wait, Diego, are you my thousand-year-old stalker?  
  
Diego: Actually, I've been stalking you for seven thousand years....and I wasn't stalking you!  
  
All: ::rolls eyes:: Nice comeback  
  
Me: Why?  
  
Diego: Well, after the Dragon Campaign ended, I decided to stay here and research magic and try and return magic to the world. After thousands of years of failure, I almost gave up and was suicidal.  
  
All: ::awkward silence::  
  
Diego: But then, seven thousand years ago, I found Tina in the mirror! Actually, it was more like thirty three chapters ago, when I first got sucked into this game, but some big guy with red armor just told me seven thousand years.  
  
All: ....  
  
Diego: Anyway, seven thousand years ago, I found Tina in the mirror! You were the Black Monster and I followed your movements, and I found out the truth about the Black Monster and the Moon Child. I saw you suffer so much, so I devoted my research to creating a very powerful Signet Sphere that will permanently keep the Moon That Never Sets in the sky. You saved me, Tina, from ending my pathetic video game existence....  
  
Me: Aww, I never knew I could be so inspirational  
  
Nikole: That's ::sniff:: so sweet.....why isn't he one of your ex- boyfriends?  
  
Me: Because he thinks too much  
  
Diego: ::nods::  
  
Wesley: What about me?!  
  
Me: You don't think enough  
  
Lorena: F-cking dumbasses....weren't you saying something about a powerful Signet Sphere?  
  
Diego: Yes. The Psyche Bomb and Moot.  
  
All: Moot?  
  
Diego: I didn't make up the name. Blame the Pokemon:  
  
Pokemon: DAMMIT, WE'RE NOT POKEMON!!  
  
Diego: It's not quite complete. I need the courage of you seven in order to complete the Psyche Bomb and Moot. If you would step across onto the circle of your element...::bridge appears::  
  
Nikole: MOOT!!  
  
(So we all hop onto a colored circle that represented our element -- Leroy to the brown circle, Lorena to the white circle [as she cursed Nikole's random interjection], Timoty to the purple circle)  
  
Timoty: Dammit, I'm NOT gay!!  
  
(Nikole to the blue circle, Boberto to the green circle, and me to the black circle)  
  
Diego: Wait, Wesley, stick around with me  
  
Wesley: ::uncomfortably scratches his head:: Okay, but um...you should know, I got a girlfriend back home....  
  
Diego: ::places his hand on Wesley's shoulder:: Well, that's just too bad, isn't it? ::laughs, takes his hand away:: I'm just messing with you! Seriously, I'm straight. Really.  
  
Wesley: .... {And I thought that Hero Competition attendant was weird}  
  
Diego: Whatever, let's just do the first test.  
  
  
  
LEROY'S TEST  
  
Leroy: Ooooooh....pretty colors.....  
  
Me: ::randomly appears:: Yo Leroy. Guess it's just us.  
  
Leroy: Uh....yeah  
  
Me: While we wait ::draws sword:: let's fight  
  
Leroy: Umm, not what me thinking...  
  
Me: C'mon, you scared cuz I kicked your ass twice?  
  
Leroy: You don't sound like Tina...  
  
Me: ::lunges at Leroy:: Then you can die ::disappears::  
  
Leroy: That....weird....  
  
Joel: ::randomly appears:: So, you shackled up with the enemies  
  
Leroy: !? You dead!!  
  
Joel: Obviously, I'm an apparation and a part of your test.  
  
Leroy: Oh.  
  
Joel: So, you gunna let me attack you?  
  
Leroy: Umm....I guess  
  
Joel: ::attacks Leroy, then disappears::  
  
Leroy: ..... that all, right??  
  
  
  
[Insert reflective speech about courage here]  
  
Diego: Why don't you just let me give the reflective speech about courage?  
  
[Because I don't wanna]  
  
Diego: Then why am I just standing here against a black backdrop?!  
  
[Because I feel like it]  
  
Diego: ::smacks forehead:: Can we just go on to the next test?  
  
[If you insist]  
  
  
  
LORENA'S TEST  
  
Lorena: Why the f-ck am I here? [The rest of this sentence cannot be printed due to excessive amounts of cursing] F-ck!!  
  
Pokemon: ::again, examines her name:: Just MAKE UP A NAME for Soa's sake!  
  
[It's funnier to call you "Pokemon"]  
  
Pokemon: ::growls:: Oh well....umm, Lorena, why do you curse so much?  
  
Lorena: Because I f-cking want to.  
  
Pokemon: Okay. Oh, wait, that wasn't the right answer. That wasn't even the right question. You failed. You die.  
  
Lorena: WTF?! Die?!  
  
Pokemon: Yup  
  
::Screen goes black::  
  
Lorena: Wait, I can't die!! I gotta help defeat Mateo!! I gotta finish the game!! I gotta go home!! F-CK!!  
  
::Back to normal::  
  
Pokemon: Hehe, just kidding!! You're not dead.  
  
Lorena: ::assaults the Pokemon with her arrows::  
  
  
  
[Insert another reflective speech about courage here]  
  
Diego: Are you gunna do that after EVERY test?  
  
[Maybe....mwhahahaha....]  
  
  
  
TIMOTY'S TEST  
  
Timoty: So damn boring....oooh, pretty colors....  
  
::ANOTHER FLASHBACK TO ROUGE!::  
  
All: WHAT THE HELL?!  
  
(It's the same damn flashback as the one from the Queen Fury, except now it has no sound)  
  
::END FLASHBACK::  
  
Timoty: Well, that was a waste of my time.  
  
Pokemon: Could you have stopped her?  
  
Timoty: No. It's a video game that has been designed previously by strange men in a dark room. I have no control whatsoever over the actions of the characters in this game  
  
Pokemon: .... Lemme consult with the judges  
  
Judges: ::consults::  
  
Pokemon: Yeah, they'll give it to you  
  
Timoty: ::shrugs::  
  
  
  
Diego: ::stands there, whistling an unfamiliar tune:: What? Oh, he's done? Aren't you gunna do your little bracket thing? Are you gunna answer me?! Ah, screw it.  
  
  
  
NIKOLE'S TEST  
  
Nikole: ::skipping around the room:: Pretty colors, pretty colors, la la la la....  
  
Bardel: Damn you and your skipping! ::shoots fireball::  
  
Nikole: What the hell?!  
  
Roddy: ::appears and shields Nikole:: Don't touch her!  
  
Nikole: Roddy!! You DO love me!!  
  
Roddy: Yeah, we already established that....  
  
Bardel: Damn you and your saving! ::shoots another fireball:: She's gotta make amends for my sister's death!  
  
Nikole: But, I can't! At least, not right now -- I gotta save the rest of the world!  
  
Bardel and Roddy: ::randomly disappear::  
  
Nikole: Oh, phooey!!  
  
  
  
[....]  
  
Diego: I'm not even gunna say anything  
  
[But you just said something right now]  
  
Diego: You know what I mean!!  
  
  
  
BOBERTO'S TEST  
  
Minister Vicente: ::grows out of the ground:: Whoa, that was interesting....  
  
Boberto: ::turns around:: Minister Vicente! Hey, I haven't seen you since the fourth chapter, bro!  
  
Minister Vicente: Well, technically, you haven't seen me since the fifteenth chapter when I was in Fletz...  
  
Boberto: Oh....I guess you're right  
  
Minister Vicente: But that's not why I'm here -- there's some Eastern tribe trying to take over Bale!  
  
Boberto: Really? Since when?  
  
Minister Vicente: I dunno, since you left....but you gotta come back  
  
Boberto: Um, how bout no  
  
Minister Vicente: No?!  
  
Boberto: No -- if I wanna go home, then I gotta continue on this journey. Go take care of the Eastern tribe yourself.  
  
Minister Vicente: O...kay...::turns into the Pokemon::  
  
Pokemon: Don't worry, there is no such thing as an Eastern tribe!  
  
Boberto: I wasn't worried.  
  
  
  
Diego: :: examines his cards:: Do you have any threes?  
  
Pokemon: Go fish  
  
Diego: ::draws a card::  
  
[::ahem::]  
  
Pokemon: ::ignore:: Do you have any fives?  
  
Diego: Damn ::gives her a card::  
  
  
  
MY TEST  
  
Diego: :: randomly appears:: You've been through so much, with the Dragon Campaign and the Black Monster, and now reuniting with the Dragoons to fight the one you used to love. Your courage, I think, is inmeasureable....  
  
Me: ::turns around:: So do you just wanna make out and get it over with?  
  
Diego: ::blushes:: What?!  
  
Me: Just because my back was turned to you doesn't mean that I couldn't hear everything you just said.  
  
Diego: Oh.....  
  
Me: And don't get too excited. I wasn't serious.  
  
Diego: ::looking very disappointed:: Oh.  
  
Me: So when's my test?  
  
  
  
[Well?]  
  
Diego: Just shut up.  
  
  
  
WESLEY'S TEST  
  
Wesley: Wow, pretty colors....  
  
[Yes, we have come to a consensus that the room has pretty colors]  
  
Wesley: Well, you know me, always stating the obvious.....  
  
Ania: ::appears, floating above Wesley::  
  
Wesley: Whoa, what is she doing here?!  
  
Ania: I'm a part of your test, DUH  
  
Wesley: Oh.  
  
Ania: Well, what are you just standing there for? Attack me!  
  
Wesley: What?!  
  
Pokemon: Yes, you might have to face your video-game-girlfriend in battle. What are you gunna do?  
  
Wesley: Umm, not attack her and attack the little bitch Mateo instead?  
  
Ania: Good answer!  
  
Pokemon: Sure, we'll give it to ya  
  
  
  
Diego: You all passed your tests! Come with me now...  
  
(So you follow him to another room where a buncha "pretty colors" fly around the room. After that, you acquire the Psyche Bomb X. Onto Moot!)  
  
Me: So what's keeping the original Signet Sphere and "Moot" protected?  
  
Diego: We have the Last Kraken ::points to a huge monster that looks like a jellyfish and an octupus had an ugly baby::  
  
Nikole: What's crackin, Kraken? hehe!  
  
Wesley: Why does everything look like mutated sea creatures down here?  
  
All: ....  
  
Lorena: Maybe because we're UNDER THE F-CKING SEA?!  
  
Diego: You went out with this guy, but not me?!  
  
Me: I...don't wanna talk about it.  
  
Mateo: [voice only] Hellooooo out there  
  
Me: Mateo, is that you?!  
  
Mateo: Yes, it is me! Wesley, I am your faaaaaaaaaatheeeeeeer.....  
  
Wesley: I KNOW!!  
  
Nikole: ::frantically looks around:: Where is he?!  
  
Mateo: I'm controlling the Last Kraken. See?  
  
Kraken: ::waves his tentacles::  
  
Me: You have magical powers now?!  
  
Mateo: Yeah, isn't it great? Now I don't need the Moon Mirror to destroy the Signet Sphere! Go, Last Kraken!  
  
Kraken: ::turns to the Signet Sphere::  
  
All: No!  
  
::Screen dissolves, battle begins::  
  
(So, you battle the Last Kraken. His attacks aren't that powerful, but he always seems to have a lot of health so after about five minutes of battling him, you just wanna scream out JUST DIE ALREADY!! Don't worry, he eventually does)  
  
All: ::cheers::  
  
(But, your fight with the Last Kraken creates a powerful blast that destroys the Signet Sphere anyway)  
  
All: Damn  
  
Diego: You guys have to leave! Go for the teleporting device, it will take you to Zenebatos, were the next Signet Sphere is! ::pushes us out the door::  
  
Wesley: What about you?!  
  
Diego: I've already lived my life, here in this video game. You seven need to live and stop Mateo. Go, heroes who defy fate ::shuts the door::  
  
Wesley: Wait! ::bangs on the door::  
  
Me: It's okay. It's how he wanted to go.  
  
Nikole: Well, that sucks! Now I'm all depressed  
  
Lorena: Maybe now you'll shut up  
  
(With Diego's sacrifice, we make our way to the big teleporter. On the way, we once again see the big mirror and we see Mateo smashing the Moon Mirror)  
  
Wesley: Why did he do that?  
  
Me: He doesn't need it anymore. The first Signet Sphere is already destroyed.  
  
Mateo: ::nyeah nyeah::  
  
(And once again, we see the Pokemon. Only, because Diego's dead, they all die too)  
  
Pokemon: NOOOOOOOO WE'RE MEEEEEEEELTIIIIIIIIIING!! ::dies::  
  
All: Idiots  
  
(Finally, to the teleporter! To Zenebatos!)  
  
All: Should we peasants rejoice?  
  
(If you want to)  
  
All: Yay.  
  
Second Author's Note: The Pokemon's name was Buckle!!  
  
Buckle: Oh, sure, NOW ya tell 'em, uck. 


	35. Chapter 34: I Want My Lawyer!

Author's Note: A future reference to the French is not meant to offend. I LOVE THE FRENCH, THE FRENCH ROCK!!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD. Um, yeah......  
  
Chapter 34: I Want My Lawyer!  
  
(We arrive at Zenebatos, and you get to buy really cool armor that totally nullifies certain types of attacks, according to each element your characters are [ie, Wesley gets armor that nullifies fire attacks]. Very useful, especially if you want to go back to Vellweb and fight the old Dragoons)  
  
Jose, Kazu, Trisha, Vincent: We're not old!! Just dead!!  
  
(Whatever. You get to ride Coolon, a giant sting ray, who will take you to anywhere on the continent)  
  
Coolon: Hello  
  
Nikole: Is there a reason that you're called Coolon? Are you cool??  
  
Coolon: Hell if I know. I'm just glad that I'm not a Pokemon  
  
Lapto 01: EVACUATION PLAN 2-B. HUMANS ARE ATTACKING ZENEBTAOS, ALL MUST FLEE TO KADESSA  
  
Wesley: Why does it speak in all caps?  
  
Me: Cuz it's an annoying little bitch like that  
  
Boberto: It's late, too.  
  
Timoty: Much like someone else we know  
  
Wesley: Don't even look at me  
  
Me: I guess this city is still functioning, just not....properly. This city always bugged me the most....spent many a day in prison here....it was just a damn necklace, I don't see what the big deal was....  
  
All: ....  
  
Me: Oh ::ahem:: sorry.  
  
Wesley: So, where now?  
  
Lorena: To the Batmobile! Come Robin!  
  
Nikole: Holy Laptos, Batman! Let's go!  
  
All: ::blink blink::  
  
Lorena: I mean -- to the f-cking Signet Sphere?  
  
Nikole: Holy Signet Spheres! Oh, wait, are we done with the Batman thing?  
  
All: ::nods::  
  
Lapto 02: NO WINGLY MAGIC REGRISTERED, NO HUMANS ALLOWED TO ENTER THE CHAMBER OF THE SIGNET SPHERE  
  
Nikole: Hey!! I'm a Wingly!!  
  
Lapto 02: NO WINGLY MAGIC REGRISTERED. NO CLOTHES REGRISTERED EITHER.  
  
Nikole: ::pouts:: Hmph!  
  
Wesley: Hey! If we can't get to the Signet Sphere cuz we're Humans, that means that Mateo can't either! ::claps his hands gleefully::  
  
All: Wow, that's just, wow.  
  
Me: I see your alter-ego, Captain Obvious has returned  
  
Wesley: Huh?  
  
Nikole: ::clapping with him:: Why are we clapping?  
  
(In order to get to the Signet Sphere, you gotta go to change the law. This means you race down pathways and through tunnels while the Wingly police chase you down and send you to jail)  
  
All: ::in jail:: DAMMIT!!  
  
Lorena: No windows, no doors, no way out.....NOOOOOO I'M F-CKING CLAUSTERPHOBIC!!!! ::runs around, frantically banging on the walls::  
  
All: ::blink blink::  
  
Me: Wait, we're missing someone  
  
Leroy: ::comes crashing in through the wall:: The po-po always trying to bring down the black man  
  
Wesley: How did he not get sent down here with the rest of us?  
  
Me: He's too big!  
  
Timoty: Thank goodness Leroy's so heavy!  
  
Leroy: ::shrugs:: Anything to bring down The Man  
  
(Yeah, you fight the power Leroy! ::raises fist:: Anyway, if you do get sent to jail, then you can get the code to change the law so the police won't chase you. And you do this!)  
  
All: ::dances around the cop, singing:: You can't get us, you can't get us, nah-nah-nah-nah-nah!!  
  
Wingly Cop: ....  
  
(Anyway, the real issue here is getting to the Signet Sphere. You stand in line after line just so you can get sent to another window!! I always imagined Zenebatos to operate kinda like the DMV....)  
  
::Elevator music plays::  
  
Lapto 03: NEXT  
  
::Sign flashes "next teller available window 3"::  
  
Lapto 03: STATE YOUR BUSINESS  
  
Wesley: Uh, I need to get to the Signet Sphere  
  
Lapto 03: PLEASE GIVE FULL AND LEGAL NAME, ID, BIRTH CERTIFICATE, AND PROOF OF RESIDENCY  
  
Wesley: Uh, I, um....  
  
Me: Let me take care of this ::hands the lapto my ID, birth certificate, and proof of residency, all from 11,000 years before:: I NEVER throw anything away  
  
Lapto 03: ::stamps it, hands it back to me:: GO TO WINDOW 6  
  
Lapto 06: ::evaluates documents, stamps them, hands them back:: GO TO WINDOW 4  
  
Lapto 04: ::evaluates documents, stamps them, hands them back:: GO TO WINDOW 6  
  
Wesley: But we just got back from window 6  
  
Lapto 04: THIS WINDOW DEALS WITH ABUSE BY MAGICAL CREATURES. YOU NEED ENTRANCE TO THE SIGNET SPHERE. GO TO WINDOW 6  
  
Lapto 06: ::evaluates documents...etc etc etc:: YES, I CAN HELP YOU HERE. BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO COME BACK IN HALF AN HOUR  
  
Wesley: Why?!  
  
Lapto 06: I'M ON MY LUNCH BREAK ::closes the window::  
  
Wesley: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! ::Sobs::  
  
(Lucky for you gamers, this is not how it happens in the game. Just in my imagination)  
  
Wesley: Just to torture me!!  
  
(::Evil laugh:: Yes, well.... anyway, we get the law changed. Now, you can go into the chamber of the Signet Sphere -- the "Great Hall")  
  
Lapto 05: ::randomly there by the save point:: WESLEY, TINA, TIMOTY, BOBERTO, NIKOLE, LEROY, LORENA.....SEVEN ACCUSED, ENTERING THE GREAT HALL  
  
Wesley: Accused? Of what?  
  
Boberto: I wouldn't even try  
  
(In the Great Hall.....)  
  
Judge Nomos: I AM NOMOS. I AM THE LAW, I AM JUSTICE.  
  
Me: Ah, yes, but Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life  
  
Nomos: SILENCE. WESLEY, TINA, TIMOTY, BOBERTO, NIKOLE, LEROY, LORENA YOU STAND ACCUSED OF TREACHERY AGAINST SOA'S WILL. THE VERDICT....  
  
Laptos: GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY [you get the idea]  
  
Boberto: What the hell?! We didn't even get a trial!!  
  
Timoty: Yeah, we get to present witnesses and an impartial jury decides our fate!  
  
Me: We are Americans!  
  
Nomos: EVEN MORE REASON TO CONVICT YOU.  
  
Wesley: He must be French....  
  
Nomos: ::now speaking with a French accent:: COME FORTH, WINGED EXECUTIONERS!  
  
::Screen dissolves, battle begins::  
  
(You now fight three winged executioners. Here's how you should go about this: attack the chick, then the dude with the reaper, then guy in the diaper)  
  
Winged Executioners: We have names ya know  
  
(I know, I just can't remember them. Anyway, they're not that hard. Once they are defeated....)  
  
Nomos: HURRY, MASTER, I COULD NOT STOP THE BETRAYERS OF SOA ::falls and breaks::  
  
Nikole: ::curses him in French::  
  
Wesley: How do you know French?  
  
Nikole: Two years in high school!  
  
(Fascinating. But, to the Signet Sphere!)  
  
Lorena: Come Robin!  
  
Mateo: ::destroys the Signet Sphere with the Moon Dagger::  
  
Wesley: ::gasp:: We are too late!  
  
Mateo: Thank you Captain Obvious  
  
Me: That's MY line, thank you very much!  
  
Mateo: Well, two down, one to go. Aww, are you gunna cry?  
  
Boberto: Wait, how did you get here before us? You didn't change any laws!  
  
Mateo: I have my ways....oh, and Wesley, I have a message for you from Ania ::punches him in the stomach::  
  
Wesley: OW! That hurt!  
  
Mateo: Ania knows only to hate now!  
  
Wesley: Like she didn't already  
  
Mateo: Yeah, I know, but that's all she does now. But don't worry, she'll get a chance to personally deliver that message to you once we reach the Moon That Never Sets....that is, if you can catch me ::disappears::  
  
Me: That's not Mateo  
  
Timoty: What do you mean?  
  
Boberto: Who is he then?  
  
Me: If I told you now, it would spoil the rest of the story  
  
All: ...  
  
Me: Besides, I don't know  
  
Wesley: Well, whoever he is, we will stop him no matter what!! ::shakes his fist in a very Dart-like manner::  
  
Lorena: I didn't think it was possible, but he's even more of an idiot when he's acting heroic.  
  
All: ::nods::  
  
Second Author's Note: This chapter's theme: damn the bureaucracy 


	36. Chapter 35: More Creepy Dead Guys

Author's Note: For all you Lavitz fans, you know what happens in this city...

Disclaimer: I don't own LoD and I probably never will (key word: probably...mwhahaha...)

Chapter 35: More Creepy Dead Guys

(So, off to Mayfil! Coolon, do your thang!)

Coolon: Umm, no

All: What?!

Coolon: Are you kidding?! I'm just a baby, and there is no way in hell I'm flying to Mayfil! That shit gives me the creeps!

All: I don't think a baby would swear like that....

(Well, since Coolon won't take you to Mayfil, you have to use the teleporting device. However, teleporting to Mayfil is restricted. That means you have to change the law AGAIN)

Wesley: BASTARDS!!

Lapto 05: GO TO WINDOW 12

Wesley: ::sobs::

(Take it like a man)

(Just outside Mayfil.....)

Mateo: ::hovering above:: Mayfil, the city where damned souls make their final journey. Fitting that this is the place will be the gateway to my final journey as well....

(Hmmm, interesting.....now we arrive)

Nikole: I don't like this place.....

Wesley: Damn, more ghosts....

Me: Little Wesleykins still scared of the ghosty-whosties?

Wesley: Damn, you know that baby talk freaks me out

Timoty: At least she's not prancing around singing "A Pirate's Life for Me"

Me: Don't tempt me....

(Now Mayfil is not exactly the cheeriest place ever. As you expected, you fight mostly darkness-based monsters named "Death" and "Angry Spirit" and stuff like that. As another option, you can fight the ghosts of Ferybrand, Regole, and the Divine Dragon)

All: Interesting

(Ferybrand and Regole are about the same difficulty level as they were when they were alive, except the Divine Dragon always seems to be harder when he's dead!)

Ghost of Divine Dragon: Mmmm, hmmmmm! That's MY revenge, beyotch! ::finger snaps::

(Yeah, well, you're a queer and you're fat!)

Ghost of Divine Dragon: You bitch, take that back!

(No!)

All: Can we please move on? We're on a time schedule, remember?

Ghost of Divine Dragon: ::pouts::

(::sigh:: I guess. Anyway, it's time to reconcile with the past. Tina, you want to do the honors?)

Ghosts: Black Monster!

Wesley: Hey! Kinda like the ghosts on the Phantom Ship! They were attacking Tina cuz they recognized her as the Black Monster! It all makes sense now.....

Boberto: You JUST got that now?

Lorena: ::eye twitch::

Me: I'm not even gunna dignify that with an insult....but as for you, ghosts -- you all can hate me if you want, I don't care anymore! I'm no longer the Black Monster. Besides, none of this is real! Once we stop Mateo, then we all can go home and resume our normal lives.

Timtoy: Actually, I wouldn't call our real lives "normal" but I guess it's close enough.

Ghosts: Whatever ::leave::

(Now it's the moment that will shock the readers, make them fall out of their seats! We turn a corner and who do we see standing before us, shirtless, gripping a spear and wearing tattered shorts??)

All: ::gasp::

(Is it be....maybe......it's.....really......)

Readers: Just TELL US dammit!!

All: MELVIN!!

Melvin: Huh?

All: OMG!!

Melvin: Wesley? Tina? Boberto? Timoty? Leroy? Hey, where have you guys been?! I haven't seen you in, like, forever! Whoa, guys, you won't believe this -- I think I'm dead!

Me: I'm sorry, but you are

Melvin: Seriously?!

All: ::nods::

Melvin: Well there must be a reason I'm sticking around this crap hole...oh wait! I remember why! It's -- it's -- ::holds his head, starts to turn blue::

Wesley: I know he's dead and all, but honestly, that does NOT look good

Melvin: ::runs away::

Wesley: Wait! ::follows::

(Melvin has lead us to a dark damp room but how's that different from the rest of this place?, now completely blue and wielding his spear)

Wesley: Melvin, what are you doing?

Melvin: Invaders! Leave this place!

Boberto: Yo bra, it's us!

Melvin: Did you just call me a woman's undergarment?

Nikole: Oh, that reminds me ::adjusts herself::

All Others: ...

Boberto: Ya know, the real Melvin wouldn't have questioned my referring to him as "bra." There's something fishy here.

Me: Yeah. Notice the screen dissolving....

::Screen dissolves, battle begins::

(The battle that makes my sister cry. Melvin stumbles in front of you, still blue, and you talk to him. Guard until he turns around)

Wesley: Hey, what's that sting ray-looking glob on his back?

Me: I don't know Wesley, but I say we attack it.

(And attack it you must. It doesn't attack you directly, but it does confuse everyone before it hides behind Melvin again)

Wesley: Sweet, the confusion doesn't affect me!

That's because your already confused state cancels out the magic's effect

Wesley: ::ponders this statement::

Don't hurt yourself now

Wesley: ::still pondering::

(Well, while he ponders, you guard against Melvin and attack the glob on his back. Yay, you have defeated the glob!)

All: ::victory dance::

Boberto: Hey, then why are we still in the battle stance?

???: Because you have to fight me now! ::evil laughter::

Wesley: Who are you?

Melvin: ::drops to the floor, a large devil emerges from him::

Zackwell: I am Zackwell, Lord of the Dead in Mayfil!

Wesley: What did you do with Melvin?

Zackwell: Your pitiful friend made a bargain with me so that he could stay in Mayfil instead of passing to the infernal world. Something about keeping watch over you worthless creatures...

Me: How dare you! My teeth are worth $1100 alone!

All: ??

Me: That's how much my braces cost. But it was worth it ::smile, teeth go "ping"::

Zackwell: What are you talking about? I'm just here to kill you and take all eight of you to the infernal world

::Another battle begins::

(Zackwell is obviously harder than that glob on Melvin's back, but he's not much to get worked up about. I would offer more tips, but I forgot how the battle goes. On with the story!)

Melvin: ::stands up, still blue::

Wesley: What the -- why is he still blue?!

Melvin: ::lunges at us::

All: Wait!

Melvin: ::takes his spear, stabs himself::

All: WTF?!

Glob: ::falls off and dies::

Melvin: ::stumbles a bit, but back to his normal color:: Damn, I hate it when that happens.

Guys: Melvin! ::dog pile::

Me: How cute, male bonding ::joins the dog pile::

(Doesn't it suck to be out of the loop?)

Nikole and Lorena: Yes!!

Melvin: ::wriggling out of the dog pile:: Wait a minute! The reason I stuck around here is because I know the way to the Signet Sphere

Wesley: How did you know about the Signet Sphere?

Melvin: Once you die, you become all-knowing. I knew about the Signet Spheres before you did.

Me: Do you want an award for that?

Melvin: Just like you, Tina -- be sarcastic to the dead guy

Me: ::innocent smile::

Melvin: I do have a point -- I know the way to the Signet Sphere. I'll use the last of my energy to create a path for you.

Timoty: Then what will happen to you?

Melvin: I'll probably go and hang out with Joel and the other dead people. See you guys once the game is over!

(Melvin, Wesley, and Boberto then do a little shoulder-clap thing before Melvin's body distergrates into a golden light leading up to the ceiling)

(Okay, once you enter up into the golden light, you can't go back to the main land. So, have you found all the Stardust you wanted? Did you fight all the optional bosses -- the Polter Armor, Faust, the Original Dragoons, the Super Virage? Did you get all the weapons and items you wanted?)

All: Yes.

(Are you sure? This is the point of no return)

All: YES!

(Alright, suit yourself)

All: ::goes up in the golden light::

(In the golden light, we curled up into little balls and rolled to the top of Mayfil. Well, except Nikole. She was swimming in the air)

Nikole: ::doing the backstroke:: I've ALWAYS wanted to do this!!

Timoty: Top floor, lingerie, women's accessories, and the Signet Sphere ::ding ding ding::

Mateo: What the hell took you guys so long?

Wesley: But how?! How do you ALWAYS beat us to the Signet Spheres?!

Mateo: Frustrating, isn't it?

Me: ::drawing my sword:: Well, at least now we can fight you and go home!

Mateo: ::throws the Moon Gem at the Signet Sphere::

Signet Sphere: ::is destroyed::

Me: Crap

Mateo: Prepare for the rebirth of the world! ::Vanishes::

(The earth shakes. The walls of Mayfil begin to crumble around us. Suddenly...)

Wesley: What's that noise?

Second A/N: Ooh, don't you HATE cliffhangers?

Readers: Yes.


End file.
